Today's Entry: Being an Objective, Non-judgemental Look at a Specific Sub-Culture Spawned over the Internet...

Being that the internet encourages a certain amount of anonymity in a person, various sub-cultures have come out of it over the years which encourage behavior, well, "off the beaten path", so to speak. I'd like to take this moment to share with you an overview of one of these sub-cultures, namely the 'furry' phenomenon. So what are 'furries', you ask? Good question! From what I gather, they appear to be a section of the internet population singularly obsessed with the anthropomorphication of animals. More specifically, they wish to attach their personalities to, if not outright, BE animals, with the attendant qualities we attach to specific animal types. (Dogs are loyal, cats are sly, bunnies are cute, etc.) Here then, is a collection of jokes, anecdotes and IRC chat logs that I've collected over time intended to illuminate the 'furry' world-view. Enjoy!

So these two furries are attending a 'furcon', that is, a convention catering to the 'furry' crowd. One is an old hand at this sort of thing, and is acting as a sort of 'mentor' for his friend, who is attending his first 'furcon'. In their travels, they come across a door marked, "Erotic fur-fiction room! 18+ only!" The neophyte insists they check it out, much to the bemusement of his more experienced companion. Upon entering, they see the room is filled with fellow furs in various states of costuming, some wearing simple fake ear and tail ensembles, others encased in full body suits, resembling obscure sports mascots. At one end of the room, a doughy, obese man with no shirt and a pair of felt fox ears is unfolding a piece of paper while in front of a microphone. He coughs to ensure his voice is heard above the crowd. Reading from the paper, he recites a series of numbers in a nasal voice... "19, 36, 118, 92, 207, 6, 313!" The crowd sighs and stains its collective groin in sexual release. Confused, the novice asks his friend what just happened. Adjusting his greasy eyeglasses, the 'mentor' explains...

"See, we've been all been swapping erotic fan-fiction stories for so long, that we've developed a coded system to facilitate our story telling. For instance, 19 means that the story is set in the new Battlestar Galactica universe where the Cylons are all robotic panthers and the Colonials are wolves. 36 means that President Rosalyn and Commander Adama are having sex in the main flight bay. 118 means Starbuck and Apollo catch them in mid-coitus. 92 means that they all decide to have a foursome. 207 means Starbuck goes down on the President. 6 means that at the same time, Apollo and Adama are having a 'swordfight' in Rosalyn's mouth. And finally, 313 means that the president 'snowballs' Adama's 'baby-batter' into Apollo's mouth!"

"Wow! That's hot! I gotta try that!" exclaims the novice con-goer, then without warning, rushes to the microphone to try his hand at erotic fan-fiction.

"9...21...224...13...86...91...299!"

Except for a few bursts of flatulence, the crowd is silent. Dejected, the neophyte returns to his friend.
"Aw, what happened?" he whines. "No one reacted to my story?"
"Well, kid," sighed the wiser of the two, "Some people got the gift of gab... and some don't!"
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Our Furry dictionary defines true friendship as: Getting a reacharound from your roommate after you help him into his "Dr. Franknfurter-from-the-rocky-horror-picture-show-as-a-bunny-rabbit" fur suit.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------The pale, scrawny, acne-scarred teen rolled the polygonal dice in his hand nervously. "Yeah, I may be a nerd who plays D & D in the high school cafeteria," he muttered. "But at least I'm not a furry!"

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Dear Mr. Joss Whedon:

Greetings! I am a longtime fan of your work, and I would like to get your feedback. I am an aspiring comic book artist/writer and I have taken it upon myself to render a 'fandom' version of one of your more popular tv series. I write of course, of "firefly", the tragically cancelled before its time show that has brought so much joy to so many people! In my version (see enclosed pages) I have done a 'fan' version of the show where the noble crew of the valiant spaceship, "serenity" have got caught up in a "Hatfield/McCoy" feud between two ranching families on an outerworld planet. There is a subplot also where the spunky mechanic, Kaylee, develops a crush on the son of one of the heads of the ranches. Also, you will note, I have made the noble Captain Reynolds an anthropomorphic fox, the stalwart Zoe a squirrel, her dry-witted husband Wash a hedgehog, the brutish Jayne a bear, the sensuous Inara a panther, the callow Dr. Tam and his other-worldly sister River are both gazelles, and the aforementioned Kaylee a chipmunk. Also, you will notice that they are all wearing diapers. In my version, everyone is a diaper fetishist, like me! In particular, let me draw your attention to...

NOTED T.V. PRODUCER/WRITER'S DEATH A SUICIDE

(Los Angeles-A.P.) The LAPD coroner's office has reported that prominent producer/writer Joss Whedon's gruesome death was, in fact, a suicide. "Considering the brutality and thoroughness of his end, our initial reports that Mr. Whedon was the victim of a psychopath are false." said LAPD coroner Ronald Weiss. "Mr. Whedon's wounds were self-inflicted, as incredible as it seems. In all my years in this capacity, I've never seen a human being as determined to end his own life as the late Mr. Whedon. If the gallon of bleach he had ingested hadn't killed him, the deep cuts to both his jugular and femoral arteries surely would have. Not to mention the fact that the fellow had managed to feed both his arms down his kitchen garburator."

Mr. Whedon's reason for suicide remains a mystery. He had a highly anticipated remake of "Wonder Woman" due to be released this summer, and by earlier accounts from friends and family, seemed "in high spirits". Sarah Michelle Gellar, the star of his hit series "Buffy: the Vampire Slayer", released this statement:

"I'm deeply shocked to learn this news. I considered Joss a dear friend as well as a joy to work with. I can't begin to imagine what could've drove him to this level of despair. He must have been, from a mental sense, standing on the mouth of Hell."...

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The sullen, heavy-set young man in the Insane Clown Posse t-shirt resembled a breeder hog forced to stand upright as he regarded me with a hostile stare. His eyes were dead, surrounded by flab and acne. "Yeah, I'm a Juggalo!" he snarled. "But I ain't no damned furry!!" Then he spat tobacco juice into a empty beer can.

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Q: Why did the furry cross the road?
A: His disability claim for a motorized wheelchair was approved! Now he didn't have exert himself so much to waddle all that way to the 7-Eleven to get his Super Big Gulp refilled! Whee!

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Dear Mr.(Name Withheld):

We thank you for your interest in pursuing a career in animation here at Disney Studios. However, we feel firstly, your portfolio work is not up to the standard we have here. Secondly, Disney studios will not now, nor ever, be producing animated hard-core pornography.

Good luck, and thank you for your interest in Disney!

Sincerely, Dennis Bates, HR Resources, Disney Studios.



P.S. What the Hell is wrong with you?

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Three furries were sitting in front of their T.V. watching "The Fox and the Hound" and masturbating. The first furry asked his friends, "Hey, guys? If you could have sex with anyone in the world, who would you have sex with? I, myself, would totally bang Babs Bunny from Space Jam!" The other two began masturbating at a faster pace.

The second one said, "Aw, man! I'd, like, fuck Dot from Animaniacs in the ass while Gadget from "Chip n Dales' Rescue Rangers was 'tossin' my salad!" The other two began 'pumpin' it' faster.

The third one piped in, "Ohh, boy! I'd fuck Marge Simpson!" At this, the other two stopped in mid-beat and looked at him.

"Dude! That's gross! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I-I mean if she was a chipmunk! C'mon, guys!", stammered the third one.

"OHHHHH!" responded the first two, the mental image spurring them all to orgasm.

On the t.v. the animated hound exclaimed, "Ahm a hound-dawg!", as arcs of semen coated the picture tube.

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The chubby, bespectacled man stuffed another handful of Cheetos into his mouth. Flecks of orange detritus spattered from his mouth as he spoke.

"Yeah, I may be a thirty-five year old man who lives in his mom's basement and has every episode of all the Star Trek series on my hard drive..." He paused to cram another handful of Cheetos into his gaping maw. "But at least I'm not a furry!"

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"A Furry's Lament"

Listen, o wanderers, to the tale I weave.
Let my sad song to your hearts do cleave.
About my story 'bout a noble otter named Jake.
And his love for a panther girl which she did forsake.
Our hero spent many an hour on IRC,
wooing this girl with vigor and glee.
Jake spent over a couple hundred bucks for her on hentai porn.
But the panther girl his love did scorn.
And later on Jake discovered whilst he did grieve,
That his true love was this fat guy named Steve.

Also, I'm a little short on my rent this month so if anyone out there could donate some cash to my PayPal account at lonelyotter567@gmail.net, I'd really appreciate it! Yiff!

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From the Internet Acronym Dictionary:

RTFM: Read The (Fricking) Manual
LOL: Laughing Out Loud
IJTTHSWARLDAHBMSIHTSO: I Just Tried To Have Sex With A Real Live Dog And He Bit Me So I Have To Sign Off Now
IIDFASPITNFMIWHMFMDLTGIINXSHAS:If I Don't Find A Sex Partner In The Next Fifteen Minutes, I Will Hang Myself From My Doorknob Like That Guy In INXS. Huggles And Skritches!
ROTFL: Rolling On The Floor Laughing

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