Dear Everyone Who's Forewarding Me Stuff From This Internet: Please stop. The jokes aren't funny, the petitions are stupid, and the glurge-y, sentimental stuff... Well, it's glurge-y and sentimental, isn't it?
Here's some recent examples...
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OMGLOL!! ITS FUNY CAUZ ITS TRUE!!
TOP TEN WAYS WOMEN ARE BETTAR THAN MEN:
10) Women don't need to lift up the seat when they pee, so when they sit down to pee, they don't pee on the seat so i sit in pee half the time, and the other half my hubby leaves up the seat and i go to pee and the seat is up so i sit in the damm bowl!
9) Women arent afraid to ask for directions unlike men who drive around and around looking for a place to park thats free or we go to the mall but its the wrong mall cause my dumb hubby dosent know which mall to go to!! Duh!!
8) Men stay out all night to drink beer and hit on waitresss in bars especially that little slut in the tanktop at that bar the hubby goes to but i smile nowingly cuz the hubby is impotent!!
7) Men put their hands on their balls all the time! And not just to scratch! They keep them there like their protecting their beer! Oh, and they drink beer all the time too! (I guess that's #6!)
5) Men look at gross porn on the internet and then pretend they aren't looking at porn on the internet! Women don't!
4) Men like movies where people get hit in the balls, and women don't want to see this movie! (Hey, Hollywood! make a movie where Jim Carrey and that other comedian with no eyebrows-Will Farrell? get hit in the balls! Call it "Getting hit in the Balls!" Men will give it an Oscar!!) But if I want to see "Brokeback Mountain", hubby will make a face and say that watching First Knight and Donny Darko nack on each other is gay! Dur!!
3) Men like to sit downstairs or in the garage 'fixing' stuff, but when I want to talk, he's, you guessed it, down in the 'workshop', ignoring me! I bet he's really looking at porn and YouTube videos of people getting hit in the balls! And drinking beer!
2) Men want the lights on during you-know-what time, but women don't want to look at his hairy shoulders while he's...EWWWWW!
1) My marriage is a sham based on a lie, and I wish I were dead.
FOREWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW.
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IMPORTANT MESSAGE!! ALL CONCERNED CITIZENS OF CANADA PLEASE READ THIS!!
As you know, the trial of Robert Pickton, the alleged murderer of almost 50 women began last week! This lowlife scum is getting a free room and board from you, mr. and mrs. john q. taxpayer and it is time to put down the foot and say that we are the foot! We, the concerned citizens of Canada want this monster to be publicly put to death on national tv (though if the cbc could wait until after hockey night in canada is on but if the game goes into overtime they could just broadcast the highlights and I can watch the highlights so anyway) and it should be like this. Pickton gets strapped with a bunch of c-4 explosives and gets blown up and filmed in slo-motion from a bunch of different angles so theres guts and an eyeball flying towards a camera and its like so cool and maybe you should hold a contest during halftime on the hockey game so I could like win a chance to push the button that blows up Pickton that way mr and mrs. john q. taxpayer dont have to pay for his room and board. Copy this message and send it to everyone you know that way the Harper government will know all of Canada is serious about this.
...............SUPPORT OUR TROOPS!!....................GO FLAMES!!...................
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AN INSPIRATIONAL MESSAGE:
Love is:
-like a kitten brushing your cheek as you wake up
-like a dove with a rose in its beak
-the slobber of a six-week old pup
-the innocent smile of the meek
-the laughter of a newborn babe
-like a bubble from a bubble-blowing thing
-carrying on in this mockery of an existence even though you have no arms or legs and propel yourself around on a cart with the mutated flippers you have that pass for hands and will die a virgin and your flippers mean that you can't even mastubate oh god let me die
Send your paypal donations to flipperguycantjackit@gmail.com Thank you and God bless.
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Repost this message to as many people as you can, and you'll get a big surprise tomorrow between 3 and 4 AM!!
What a kiss means:
A kiss on the top of the head means: You're mine.
A kiss on the stomach means: I want you.
A kiss on the phylum (that's those two little flesh lines from your nose to the top of your mouth)means: I'm nearsighted.
A kiss on the top of your foot (which doesn't have a medical term, I think) means: I'm a foot fetishist, and your shoes are getting a dose of my own special organic foot sauce later tonight while you're sleeping, if you know what I mean.
A kiss on the neck means: I'm really a vampire, and I wander the earth for fresh victims-ok, I'm a goth jagoff who dresses in black, hangs out in Denny's with other goths drinking coffee moaning about how our parents are jerks, we all listen to the same droning, derivative slop goth music, all dress the same, hold the same opinions on everything, and spend all our free time whining about how we're so 'different'.
A kiss on the shoulder means: If you even think about leaving me, I will kill you.
A kiss on the illiac of the spine (you know, the base) means I want to 'toss your salad', and if you don't let me, I will pout and sulk and go sleep on the couch. Bitch.
A kiss on the belly button means: I'm horny and-AAUGH! PTUI! YOU'VE GOT A HAIRBALL THERE! CLEAN THAT THING OUT, WON'T YOU? UCK! GROSS! I'm sleeping on the couch! Again.
If you repost this, the love of your life will be thinking of you!
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Hey, d00d! Saw these 'dumb blonde' jokes and thought I'd send 'em to ya. Cuz' I know how much you like jokes and stuff!
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So a dumb blonde and Stephen Harper walk into a bar and Harper orders a drink. The bartender gives Harper his drink then asks the blonde what she wants. The blonde simpers and says, "Tee Hee! What do I know! I'm just a girl!" Then she sleeps with everyone in the bar except me.
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Q: What do you call a blonde going to University to study economics?
A: A lying whore who sleeps with everyone she knows except you!
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Our Bachelor's Dictionary defines Altruism as: A dumb blonde that sleeps with homeless guys hooked on meth, but won't sleep with you because she "values our friendship!" Lying whore.
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So this dumb blonde is on her first date, and she stops by this mean jock douchebag's house to pick him up. She phones him on her cell, and he says that he'll be out in a minute. While she's waiting, she has to cut a wicked fart. So she turns on the A/C to cover up the fart, and lets rip the biggest, smelliest, juciest beefer that she ever has. Fortunatly, by the time the jock douche comes out of his house and gets in the car, the smell has dissapated. The jock greets her by sticking his toungue down her throat, then asks her where she wanted to go for the date. The blonde shrugs, and says, "I don't know, let's ask that guy sitting in the back seat who originally asked me out in the first place!" Then I went home and played World of Warcraft. Bitch.
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Q:How can you tell when a dumb blonde is lying?
A: Her mouth is moving. (from all the other guys dicks that she's sucking on!!) Whore.
.........Make sure you repost these to everyone you know!...........................
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"Footsteps"
A man was praying to Jesus Christ. "Jesus," said the man. "I look upon my life and see two sets of footprints in the sand. But during some of the most difficult times in my life, I see only one. What's the dilly, Yo?"
"My son," said Jesus. "Those times where there was only one set of footprints, I was off buying you a puppy!"
"Oh, right!" exclaimed the man. "Thanks for the puppy, Jesus! I named him 'Rags'!" "Anytime, guy." said Jesus. Then Jesus winked, mimed a gun in his hand, "clicked" the hammer, and went away.
Then the man went off and firebombed an abortion clinic.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxCHOOSE LIFE!XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXCHOOSE LIFEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
...so, yeah. Just stop it.
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