Crank (D+) There's a recent subgenre of action film that's emerged; the Red Bull-ADD cinema. It's founder is Tony Scott; the brother of Ridley. When given a good script like, say, True Romance, we get a fairly enjoyable 90 minutes of distraction. Most of the time, (Domino, Top Gun), we get a headache from his work.
His offspring, as it were, make films like the Fast and Furious franchise, XXX, Charlie's Angels, and stuff like this. How appropriate that it is called 'Crank', as that is the illicit narcotic agent that everyone involved in this, from co-directors/writers Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, to the lowliest p.a. ('Paco' Jimenez, who's job it was to fetch everyone Red Bull and 'X-treme' brand corn chips) were on. This type of film has, along with its trademark hyper-quick cuts of people running and fighting everywhere, over-saturated film stock, non-sequitor shots of old Asian women staring blankly at the proceedings, and a jittery, over-cranked film speed. In the director's commentary, or promos for the film, the principals involved will, inevitably, sheepishly defend their offering with a shrug and a 'yeah-it's-pop-trash-lowest-denominator-cheap-entertainment-but-we-gots-PAID,NIGGA!' tone. Just to show us that, yeah, it's crap, they know they're turning out crap, but they're really swell, fun-loving 'duuude's' at heart, and if I was to smoke a bowl with 'em, we would have a laugh and play 'Gears of War' on the X-box 360 together.
So lemme just fire up a hit of crystal methamphetamine here, (or "Kat", as the young people call it.) and describe it to you...
*FLICK*HOOOOOT*INHALE********PHWAAAAAAAAA*****
Okay, so there's this hitman named Chev Chelios(Jason Statham) who wakes up in his sweet crib and finds a DVD with the words, 'fuck you' written on it, so he plays it and it turns out this rival hitman named Verona (Jose Pablo Cantillo, playing tough guy hitman like a junior high school student would) injected some 'Chinese shit' into him which will kill him if Chev's heart rate slows down. Sorta like 'speed' only Chelios is the bus. Got it? So Chelios spends the next 90 minutes running all over Los Angles tracking down Verona while trying to keep up his heart rate by snorting cocaine, fightin' gangsta's, wrecking his car, drinkin' Red Bull (did they pay for product placement-mmm. Red Bull. Now I'm thirsty. *GLUG*GLUG*GLUG*GLUG* Ahhhh.)takin' cabs-and what better way to pump up your heart rate than to take a cab in Los Angeles? Oh, and he fucks his girlfriend (Amy Stuart) in the middle of Chinatown while Asian women look on po-faced. Did I call it or what? Then he chops off Verona's brother's hand while he's talking to a gay guy who's tracking down Verona for him, and he throws the severed hand at the gay guy, and he says, (are you ready? Get this...) "Need a hand?" AHHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, man, I did not see that line coming, I tell you what! Okay, I'm gonna take apart and put back together this bicycle I 'found' here...Ok, where were we? Right, so Chelios finds Verona in this hotel penthouse where hot chicks in bikinis lie around in plastic spheres and turns out Chelios' and Verona's boss put the hit on Chelios 'cuz Chelios put the hit on this little old Chinese guy only Chelios didn't kill him cuz Chelios was trying to get out of the hitman life on account of his dumb girlfriend, whom he told to that his job was video game programmer. Hello? I never met a video game programmer who was as cool as Chelios. She coulda seen something was amiss. Boy, is she stupid. I wish my girlfriend would fuck me in public. Anyway, the Chinese guy brings a bunch of his hitmen over and there's a big shoot out on the roof of the penthouse, and Verona gets a coupla fingers shot off. (Chelios should said, "I FINGER you had it coming!" or something like that.) Then a helicopter comes and tries to take the kingpin guy off, but Verona shoots him and tosses him out, and just as the chopper takes off Chelios grabs Verona and they're all of a sudden five miles in the air and Chelios pulls Verona out of the chopper and rips his throat out and oh yeah, Verona shot up Chelios with the 'Chinese shit' again before that, you know, the stuff that didn't kill him earlier, and Dwight Yoakam plays Chelios' doctor, who tells him that he's, you know, fucked, cuz the 'Chinese shit' bonds with your blood or something. My skin itches. And then, Chelios is falling out of the chopper, but he has time to call his girlfriend, wait for her answering machine, and leave a message of heartfelt love for her, even though she's got the I.Q. of a radish, and it takes about five minutes for him to hit the pavement,(well, he bounces off a car, then hits the pavement) so was the chopper, like, orbiting the earth or something? My butt hurts. Chelios dies, the credits roll, and then we get an 'easter egg' shot of the movie played out like a arcade game, and it says 'game over' at the end. Hey, why is my nose bleeding?...
His offspring, as it were, make films like the Fast and Furious franchise, XXX, Charlie's Angels, and stuff like this. How appropriate that it is called 'Crank', as that is the illicit narcotic agent that everyone involved in this, from co-directors/writers Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, to the lowliest p.a. ('Paco' Jimenez, who's job it was to fetch everyone Red Bull and 'X-treme' brand corn chips) were on. This type of film has, along with its trademark hyper-quick cuts of people running and fighting everywhere, over-saturated film stock, non-sequitor shots of old Asian women staring blankly at the proceedings, and a jittery, over-cranked film speed. In the director's commentary, or promos for the film, the principals involved will, inevitably, sheepishly defend their offering with a shrug and a 'yeah-it's-pop-trash-lowest-denominator-cheap-entertainment-but-we-gots-PAID,NIGGA!' tone. Just to show us that, yeah, it's crap, they know they're turning out crap, but they're really swell, fun-loving 'duuude's' at heart, and if I was to smoke a bowl with 'em, we would have a laugh and play 'Gears of War' on the X-box 360 together.
So lemme just fire up a hit of crystal methamphetamine here, (or "Kat", as the young people call it.) and describe it to you...
*FLICK*HOOOOOT*INHALE********PHWAAAAAAAAA*****
Okay, so there's this hitman named Chev Chelios(Jason Statham) who wakes up in his sweet crib and finds a DVD with the words, 'fuck you' written on it, so he plays it and it turns out this rival hitman named Verona (Jose Pablo Cantillo, playing tough guy hitman like a junior high school student would) injected some 'Chinese shit' into him which will kill him if Chev's heart rate slows down. Sorta like 'speed' only Chelios is the bus. Got it? So Chelios spends the next 90 minutes running all over Los Angles tracking down Verona while trying to keep up his heart rate by snorting cocaine, fightin' gangsta's, wrecking his car, drinkin' Red Bull (did they pay for product placement-mmm. Red Bull. Now I'm thirsty. *GLUG*GLUG*GLUG*GLUG* Ahhhh.)takin' cabs-and what better way to pump up your heart rate than to take a cab in Los Angeles? Oh, and he fucks his girlfriend (Amy Stuart) in the middle of Chinatown while Asian women look on po-faced. Did I call it or what? Then he chops off Verona's brother's hand while he's talking to a gay guy who's tracking down Verona for him, and he throws the severed hand at the gay guy, and he says, (are you ready? Get this...) "Need a hand?" AHHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, man, I did not see that line coming, I tell you what! Okay, I'm gonna take apart and put back together this bicycle I 'found' here...Ok, where were we? Right, so Chelios finds Verona in this hotel penthouse where hot chicks in bikinis lie around in plastic spheres and turns out Chelios' and Verona's boss put the hit on Chelios 'cuz Chelios put the hit on this little old Chinese guy only Chelios didn't kill him cuz Chelios was trying to get out of the hitman life on account of his dumb girlfriend, whom he told to that his job was video game programmer. Hello? I never met a video game programmer who was as cool as Chelios. She coulda seen something was amiss. Boy, is she stupid. I wish my girlfriend would fuck me in public. Anyway, the Chinese guy brings a bunch of his hitmen over and there's a big shoot out on the roof of the penthouse, and Verona gets a coupla fingers shot off. (Chelios should said, "I FINGER you had it coming!" or something like that.) Then a helicopter comes and tries to take the kingpin guy off, but Verona shoots him and tosses him out, and just as the chopper takes off Chelios grabs Verona and they're all of a sudden five miles in the air and Chelios pulls Verona out of the chopper and rips his throat out and oh yeah, Verona shot up Chelios with the 'Chinese shit' again before that, you know, the stuff that didn't kill him earlier, and Dwight Yoakam plays Chelios' doctor, who tells him that he's, you know, fucked, cuz the 'Chinese shit' bonds with your blood or something. My skin itches. And then, Chelios is falling out of the chopper, but he has time to call his girlfriend, wait for her answering machine, and leave a message of heartfelt love for her, even though she's got the I.Q. of a radish, and it takes about five minutes for him to hit the pavement,(well, he bounces off a car, then hits the pavement) so was the chopper, like, orbiting the earth or something? My butt hurts. Chelios dies, the credits roll, and then we get an 'easter egg' shot of the movie played out like a arcade game, and it says 'game over' at the end. Hey, why is my nose bleeding?...
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