I Preview the Previews So's You Don't Have To...

First up, 300, by Zack Snyder, based on the Frank Miller graphic novel. (uh, can we go back to calling them 'comic books' , now? Please?)

Aw, Dood! This looks SO FREAKIN' COOL!! There's like, war rhinos and ugly dudes with chains in their nose, and -aw, this is like a Frank Frazetta painting come to life! You know, like 'The Death Dealer', which was used for the cover of that one "Thin Lizzy" album? Maybe I'm thinking of 'Nazareth's' 'Expect No Mercy'? Anyway, the Spartans are these beefy dudes with six-pack abs, which I could totally have if I got back into doing sit-ups and crunches but anyways then there's a scene where some Arab Urka-Durka dude hisses, "Our arrows will blot out the sun!" and some Spartan Justin Timberlake says "Then we will fight in the shade!" and that's what's known as "Laconic Humor". Then Gerald Butler screams and they digitally remove the spittle flying from his beard. Oh, and NIN is on the soundtrack.

If you see this movie, you are gay. Or a fat-ass secretary who's got a 'hunky fireman' calendar hanging in her work cubicle. Or a comic geek. Or - Ah, who'm I trying to kid? I'm gonna go see it like every one else...

Next, The Astronaut Farmer.
So, Billy Bob Thorton is this quiet, laconic (Hee) farmer, and he's building a rocket to launch into orbit in his back 40, and his wife looks on in loving indulgence, and his kids look up to him with stars in their eyes, (double-hee) and those mean old FBI and NASA guys wanna stop him, and the bank's gonna foreclose on his land and Jay Leno cracks a joke. And the whole trailer is one long bathetic spiel about how it's great to have a dream, no matter how 'zany', and how this is America and you can reach for the stars, and how the laconic farmer zings the NASA guys when they ask him how they can't be sure he isn't building a WMD and he says, 'cause if he was, they wouldn't have found it! Oh, snap! At the end of the trailer, we see his satisfied look as the sun shines on his spacesuit visor, so obviously, he made it, so now you don't need to see the movie.

What would've been awesome if there's the final countdown, and his family is in the yard watching him prepare to liftoff, and "3...2...1..Blastoff-BOOOM! AAAGH! OH, MY GOD! I'M ON FIRE! I'M ON FIRE! AIEEEE! WE'RE ALL ON FIRE! MY BABIES! MY BABIES! DADDEEEE! NOOOOOOOOO!" Then the next scene has the FBI and NASA guys sadly collecting all the debris and charred flesh the next day, and the lead NASA guy shakes his head and says, "And this is why space flight should be left to professional aerospace engineers who've spent years studying this sort of thing!"

And that's one to grow on.

Michael Bay's The Transformers

Such is my outrage at Hollywood's lack of creative vision that they release a big-budget version of a half-hour commercial for a series of 80's toys... that I will wait until the weekend after the one it is released before I go see it...

And finally, Across The Universe (Sorry, no poster...)

Director Julie Traylor (Titus) uses Beatles songs to map that turbulent era, the 60's, amongst a group of young people. Moulin Rouge meets Forest Gump, if you will. The lead character is named Jude, like "Hey, Jude", and his girl is called, Rita as in "Lovely Rita, Metermaid", and so on. No doubt there's a skeevy drug dealer called, "The Eggman", and some snooty Chelsea girl named Prudence shows off the "Norwegian Wood" in her flat, and there's a groovy club called, "The Octopus' Garden", and Jude gets a job as a "Paperback Writer", and Rita is "Leaving Home" and then Jude's best friend is in the throes of a heroin addiction and he asks Jude for "Help"...and then they...and then...and...then...and..and...

Watch for the sequel, "March of The Pigs", where a bunch of disaffected young Chicagoans come together during that turbulent era, the 90's, united by the music of Nine Inch Nails and- oh, for fuck sakes...