More Movie Ideas!

Untitled Michael Bay Project. - (aka The Greatest Fucking Movie that has ever or will ever be made!) -There's explosions. In space. Then we cut to Los Angeles. And there's more explosions. And a quick-witted, jive-talking black guy says, "Woo-wee! Hope all-ya-all white folks gots Explosion insurance!" Then we're in the President's office. And the president is an older, wiser man. And he's talking to his two advisers. One's arrogant and British. The British man says, "Mr. President, the explosions in Los Angeles... came from space." Then the president sighs and removes his glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose and says, "Is there anyone in the world who can stop these explosions?" Then his other advisor, a sanguine man with a southern accent chimes in, "Sir, there's only one man who can stop these explosions..."

And we cut to Colin Farrell, working as an expert in his office doing his job. Only he's not doing his job, the scene's been edited to make the audience think he's doing his job, only he's goofing off. Then his hot model-secretary says over the intercom, "Sir, the government's here to see you!" and Colin Farrell laughs in an ingratiating manner, and tells his secretary to tell the government that he's not in the office, but it's too late. The two advisers are already in his office, with some FBI guys with guns. They tell Colin Farrell that the government needs his help to stop the explosions in Los Angeles, only by now the explosions are spreading out to San Fransisco and Sacramento. "Call me after the explosions stop in Seattle." quips Colin Farrell. "Why?" asks the advisers. "Because...", smiles Colin Farrell, roguishly. "My ex-wife, Angelina Jolie, lives in Seattle, and maybe the explosions will blow her up, and her new husband-"

And we cut to Brad Pitt being all Brad Pitt in Seattle, and he's a professional UFC fighter, and he's doing UFC stuff to an appreciative crowd, and just before he does something Cool, he cockily turns to one of his clients, and says, "Hey... I don't get outa bed for less than a million dollars, ya dig?". Then the client smiles nervously, and hands him a check for a millon dollars. Brad smiles charmingly, then does something like, I don't know, a wicked sweet Brazilian Ju-jitsu move that takes down this Russian dude to the crowd, and they go nuts, like the Second Coming or something. Then, in the locker room, Brad Pitt endorses the check to an orphanage, cause he's really a nice guy. His phone rings. It's his new wife, Angelina Jolie. They make sexy talk. We cut to her. She is in a business suit in an office and is obviously the boss of where she works. She is also pregnant. She coos her goodbyes to Brad, then just as she hangs up, some FBI guys show up at her office. They explain the situation with the explosions in Los Angeles, and ask for her help. She's the back-up in case Colin Farrell won't help them, and according to him, she's the #2 expert in these matters. Angie fumes. "He didn't teach me everything he knows, I taught him everything I know!" So Angelina Jolie goes to Washington to help the president, and to spite her ex-husband, Colin Farrell.

As Angelina's going to Washington, some explosions happen in Portland, Oregon. They're really cool, with the camera at an angle, and exciting Hans Zimmer music, and a tanker full of gas slides sideways, crunches a bunch of cars in its path, and goes caroming off the elevated freeway that it's on into an old gas station, where a crotchety old man is sitting on a rocking chair, scowling at passersby and whittling. Then the tanker explodes, throwing the old man into a tree, where he looks around in bewilderment. "Well, I'll be jiggered", he exclaims, covered in soot.

The result of these new explosions in Portland means that the problem is bigger than just Angelina Jolie can handle on her own. So she does some soul-searching, which means Angelina stares contemplating out a window while nibbling her massive lower lip. She rubs her swollen belly while violins on the soundtrack swell. Finally, she sighs and dials a number on her phone...

...that rings the number in Colin Farrell's office. He doesn't hear it at first, as he's nursing a bottle of scotch, and rubbing his finger thoughtfully on an old framed photo of Angelina Jolie that he keeps in his desk. After some back-and-forth snarking, Farrell reluctantly agrees to help Angelina track down the explosions. One more thing, Angelina says, reluctantly. Brad Pitt, her new husband, will be working with them. Farrell blanches on his end, then sighs, hangs up, and downs the rest of his scotch.

Anyways, to make a long story short, there's more explosions, Brad Pitt goes flying upside down through a window while firing two handguns at some bad guys, Steve Buschimi and Michael Duncan Clark show up as comedy relief, a helicopter crashes into the Griffin Observatory, Yadda yadda yah. Oh, and it turns out Colin Farrell was in fact, the father of Angelina Jolie's child. He blows up at the end, leaving a bittersweet montage as the credits roll of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie cooing over some little brat in a park somewheres. The End.

"Saw X: No More Mr. Nice Guy" - Hoo, boy, are you all in for it now! See, Jigsaw's warped legacy lives on! His cunning modus operandi has warped the mind of an impressionable young man (played by Shia LaBoeuf) into continuing Jigsaw's sadism-disguised-as-moral-righteousness mayhem! One victim kept their DVD rentals a day late? They have to eat their own tongue and eyes! One guy used Bittorrent? He's gotta kill, rape, and eat his daughter! Took up two parking spaces? Drano enema. Didn't replace the empty toilet paper roll? Sledgehammer. Testicles. You can't begin to imagine the crazy shit this new guy (dubbed "Brain Buster") has got in store...

"Boo!" - Get out those plans for a villa in Tuscany, Sholmo! This'un's here a licence to print money, practically! A young married couple starts their new life together in a little country house the grizzled locals claim is haunted! Complicating matters is that the wife miscarried their first child last month, making her a tad moody. Are the creepy little dwarfs the couple see glimpses of in the house just manifestations of their grief, or is there something more at stake here? The gimmick: During the movie, in random intervals, a grotesque undead monster suddenly pops in front of the camera and screams at the audience, scaring the shit out of them!

"Fred Basset: the movie" - keeping with the recent trend of strip-mining comics for film ideas, I give you this. We make Fred Basset CGI, with the voice of Sir Ian Mckellan. And the story is- oh, hell, I don't know, maybe Fred and his chum Yorkie (voiced by Stephen Fry) go looking for his lost collar or something. And maybe Sir Ben Kingsley can reprise his role as Don Logan from 'Sexy Beast' or something. No swearing though, it's a kid's movie. Look, I'm trying, okay? Tell you what, if this movie does happen, for reals? We can all go ahead and just declare Art legally dead...

"Pong: the movie" - Look, I said I was trying, alright?

"Die, Foreigner, Die!" - Hahh. Okay, so we go retro here. You got this rogue government agent who just decides to go apeshit and wipe out every non-American he sees from Albanian to Zulu. Guns, bombs, piano wire, the whole nine yards. Heavy on the red gravy, you dig? And we put Megan Fox (you know, the hot girl from Transformers?) in, and she's always reaching up to get something off a shelf, and she's got a tank top on and low-slung jeans so we're always getting shots of her bare stomach. Okay, that'll work...

"Ninjas and Kittens" - There ya go. Writes itself, really.

Wars Beyond The Stars... - Space opera set in a long-ago time, in a far-away galaxy... A young man who lives on a remote planet with a couple of robots encounters an old man who recruits him to help rescue a captured princess aboard- What? No, you're thinking of 'Star Wars', the 1977 blockbuster by George Lucas. My idea's totally different. Anyways, the princess is aboard this giant space station, and the head bad guy dresses in black and has his face covered- No, not like 'Darth Vader'! My bad guy's totally different! Look, read my idea first, okay? Alright, so the young man and the old guy and the robots hire this cynical spaceship pilot with a dog-like co-pilot- Hey! HEY! Can you even read English? My idea is nothing like that 'Star Wars' movie! Hello? I'm doing a 'homage' to Akira Kurosawa's 'The Hidden Fortress', only it's set in outer space! Can I continue? Thank you!

So the pilot takes them in his ship to the planet the princess is on, only it's been destroyed! Then they see the massive space station, only get this- they think it's a small moon, so they don't know how the planet was destroyed! It turns out the bad guy's space station blew up the planet- Huh? *sigh* NO. FOR. THE. LAST. FREAKING. TIME. IT. IS. NOT. LIKE. 'STAR WARS'! Yes, I know about the 'Death Star', I did not say, 'Death Star' anywhere in my pitch, did I? Well? Go back and read it. Go on, I can wait... No 'Death Star' anywhere, is there! Now, then, if I may finish my pitch...

The space station captures the ship in a 'Gravity Ray' (not 'Tractor Beam') and pulls it into a docking port on the station. Our heroes hide from the evil soldiers who search the ship, then the pilot and the young man slip from their hiding place on the ship to knock out a couple of evil soldiers and don their uniforms so they can sneak around the station and find the princess- What. No, you rolled your eyes at me. No, you rolled your fucking eyes at me like I'm telling you the plot to 'Star Wars'.

Okay, you know what? Fuck you. I can't believe you people. All you do is bitch and moan about how Hollywood hasn't made an original movie in years, that it's all comic-book adaptations and remakes... And then a visonary like me gives you a fresh, unadulterated original piece of quality entertainment that will be enjoyed for years, no, scratch that, DECADES to come...

And you piss all over it. Well, don't come crying to me to entertain you when you go to the theaters and all that's playing is, "Fart: the movie!", and "Fart: the Movie II", and "Saw 500: Jigsaw's Legacy's Legacy" and "Boring Romantic Drama where an Independent Woman Confronts her Terrible Past. (Her Daddy Molested Her)...I tried.

Lord knows, I tried...