(I was watching the animated film Fire and Ice the other day-you know? The one by Ralph
Bakshi that was meant to be a Frazetta painting brought to glorious life? No? You don't know what I'm talking about? Well, here it is on YouTube in all its cheesy glory! Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JF1i-26N9j0
Back already? What an awesome movie! It's so cool! The way the main blond guy goes all sickhouse on the bad guys! And the brunette with the big tits and huge ass? Rowr! I'd sheath my sword in her scabbard, if you know what I mean...(I mean I'd have sex with her, that's what I mean.) And that dude with the cowl? So dark and brooding. He's a Nazareth album cover come to life! So, er, yeah. It's not a very good movie, is it? Kinda generic and phoned in, really. Seems like they took about half an hour on the script, didn't they? Looks like they put the story on autopilot.
While I was watching it, about a third of the way in, I wondered, "Hang on. Didn't I see 'Fire and Ice' already? I must have! This story seems so familiar! I was reciting lines of dialogue along with the actors! I've got to have seen this movie at least two or three times, but I swear I have no recollection of watching it before YouTube!"
It's more of the nature of the Sword-and-Sorcery genre that it's so familiar, and after a microsecond's thought, I realized that every S&S movie is essentially the same movie, only shot over and over and over again. I guess people want to watch the same movie over and over and over again. I swear on a stack of Bibles that if the film industry got its start making S&S films, we'd be all reading books and watching T.V. as our primary leisure activity. (Until the rise of the Internet, of course.)
The plot of every single S&S movie ever made since the Steve Reeves 'Hercules' movies seems to be along these lines:
A Mighty Warrior (heretofore known as MW) sets out on a journey. It's usually a journey of vengeance to confront an Evil Villian. (here tofor known as the EV.) Sometimes the quest is to retrieve a stolen item or treasure from EV's lair, or to rescue someone from EV's lair. Anyways, the point is that since the EV is not going to return the person or thing he has taken, at least willingly, the EV is going to have to die. So when you boil the story down to its essential elements, vengeance is the engine ultimately driving the story. Here's how it goes:
Mighty Warrior is wronged by Evil Villian. MW goes on a quest to EV's lair to confront and probably kill EV as an act of vengeance. MW encounters sidekicks along the way. The sidekicks may be at least one, probably two, maybe all three of the following:
The Warrior/Priestess/Noble/Humble Peasant Hot Chick who wishes to prove herself to the world/avenge her family as EV has done her wrong as well. Even if MW and Hot Chick-heretofore known as HC don't become an 'item', at some point in the movie she tenderly shows MW her boobs to get him to sleep with her. (note: this plot point doesn't appear before a S&S movie made before 1980.) He usually refuses, being of noble intent, but he appreciates the gesture, none the same.
Next we have the Comic Relief- usually a bumbling thief, who follows the MW because the MW freed him from people about to kill CR for ripping them off. You know, as an act of vengeance. If the CR's original intention is to get a bunch of loot from EV's massive lair, that motivation is usually superseded by joining in MW's quest for vengeance in a gesture of comradeship.
Finally, we come to the third character. He's not always in these things, but he's in enough of them. He's called the Doomed Anti-Hero. Maybe he's another MW who's suffered at EV's hands. Sometimes he's a former lackey of EV who wants revenge as well. And sometimes he's a current lackey of EV whom EV has charged to infiltrate MW's little plucky troupe to subvert MW's quest for revenge. Anyways, assuming he didn't sacrifice himself for MW and co's benefit before, he always dies in the final battle with EV, usually as an act of redemption.
During the quest, MW and his trope inevitably encounter the following places:
1) the Town Pub, which always has information on EV's whereabouts and where we get to witness MW's fighting prowess after some local toughs either clumsily hit on HC or threaten MW. (DAH isn't aboard yet, though we may be treated to a shot of a cowled DAH silently drinking in a corner, watching MW's fighting prowess. If we see DAH at this point, he shortly joins MW outside the Pub.) CR is either cowering behind the bar, perhaps helping himself to the libations or picking the pockets of the onlookers. Perhaps HC gets a shot of proving her marital prowess fighting the locals as well. After this plot point, we sooner or later get to the inevitable second place all Sword and Sorcery stories wind up in...
2) The Inhospitable Wilderness. Maybe it's all Jungle, maybe it's all Desert, could be a lava filled volcano. Maybe an abandoned city, if the budget is big enough. It's big, it's wild and the opening shot has its vast panoramic vista defined by EV's lair way in the background, usually surrounded by ominous storm clouds. We then cut to a close up of our heroes regarding the Inhospitable Wilderness with both awe and determination. Then the MW or the HC say, 'Well, the sooner we get started..." and start to move on. (If the DAH hasn't been introduced yet, this is the setting we meet him. If he's already been introduced, he mutters some specific fact about the Inhospitable Wilderness being especially lethal. This seemingly random fact plays a part in the party's later escape from the Inhospitable Wilderness.) The CW reluctantly follows, uttering some laconic statement about their impending demise. Sure enough, the Inhospitable Wilderness has various Impediments to the MW's band passing through. Maybe magic Lava Golems, Zombies, Killer Monkeys, whatever. Anyways, while the troupe is quite adept at killing the Impediments, it becomes obvious that there are eventually, just too many Impediments to defeat in combat. So the troupe has to run to the other side of the Inhospitable Wilderness. Perhaps a trap has been set off and is closing/closing in on the troupe, its arrival with the troupe either killing them outright, trapping them forever, or providing a lethal impediment to their egress from the Inhospitable Wilderness, leaving them to the fates of the Impediments. The music takes a thrilling tone, the action is more frenetic, and just as the music reaches its peak...the trope reaches safety. Please note: the sooner that DAH has joined the troupe in the film, the more likely he dies sacrificing himself to save the rest at this point.
3) The Romantic/Comedic interlude. It's late, they're tired...'We camp tonight!', exclaims the MW. Assuming the DAH hasn't sacrificed himself at this point, he might suggest a breather to the eager MW. "It would be foolish to proceed now, my hotheaded friend! EV's scouts are everywhere! And work best...at night..." The CR attempts to bond with DAH,who's sharpening his weapon by the campfire. This attempt is usually and laconically rebuffed. "Have you ever had a Bloodsword through your stomach, oh overly-loquacious thief?" "er..I'll just leave you alone.." "You do that." And the HC and the MW gets some alone time. It's at this point that the MW gives us the plot of the movie. "...Things were happy in my land. The Gemstone of Ar'ah stood as a tribute to my people's industry and goodness. The people worked hard and reaped the benefits of their labour...suddenly, EV and his army appeared...demanded tribute...my people are a proud one...my father died protecting my mother and siblings with a full quarrel of arrows in him...I was knocked out and left for dead... Where once stood the Gemstone, now stands an empty hole, like a pockmark on a virgin's face...swore on their funeral pyre..since that day, I've honed my body to be an instrument of vengeance..." The HC expresses sympathy, then if she doesn't bare her chest yet, shares her story of woe. To emphasise his exemplary character, he refuses to fuck her, as it would 'deter me from my vengeance' or some other gay shit.
And it's at this point the movie shoots itself in the foot. "When you avenge your family, what will you do then?" the HC not unreasonably asks. To which he replies, with a wry smile, "Don't know. I haven't thought that far ahead. (Neither has the screenwriter.) Perhaps I'll settle down." It's obvious the movie, indeed the entire of revenge in a fictional narrative, doesn't think this all through. Understand this as a basic moral concept: If you hit me, you have done a bad thing. If I hit you back, I have not redressed the balance, I have committed a bad thing. Two bad things have been done. If a father shoots his daughter's rapist, his actions are understandable from a biological perspective. But from a legal and moral perspective, he has done Evil.
When a fictional narrative presents revenge as a positive act by a protagonist, it does not account for that simple moral perspective. Which is why we have real movies like 'Oldboy' and 'Irreversible' to present the true nature of revenge. Ultimately, that's why I personally don't have any real interest in the sword-and-sorcery genre as a valid entertainment medium. It is a vacation from life. There is nothing you can take from that genre and apply to your own life.
The other subtext you'll find in the S&S genre is the comment on the decadence of civilization. When the protagonist has to interact with civilized elements, like merchants, nobles, and others involved in the building of order and a society, it's usually to the protagonists' detriment. (This is also an element in the classic western, but that's not germane to the discussion now.) The merchant who hires the MW's services to obtain a macguffin usually tries to renege on his part of the deal, namely paying the MW for his troubles. The noble who hires the MW to fight his battles for him usually betrays the MW at some point in the second act. The seemingly kindly town mayor who hires the MW to rescue his daughter from brigands usually blames the MW for taking his daughter's virtue. All who betray the MW meet a gruesome fate at the end, hopefully ironic. (The greedy merchant has liquid gold poured down his throat/the two-timing noble's brigands discover his betrayal and tear him limb from limb/ the town mayor's daughter gives it up for the MW and spends the rest of the movie dressed like the fleet's in town, if you see what I mean, for instance.) And so on and so on.
At the end of the day, the S&S genre is escapist pulp entertainment, and revenge as the engine to motivate a character is the most basic one that the dramatic world has. You have to remember that the pulp fiction market in its time, tended to crank this stuff out at quite a clip, being that the pay rate per word was barely enough to live on. So things like nuance, moral shades of grey, and the like tended to go out the window when you were on a deadline. In the schlock movie biz, sword and sorcery epics were around the cheapest genre to poop out, especially in Europe, where they already had the settings on hand just lying around. But if you're looking for any depth or meaning to that particular genre, well, you're gonna be looking a long time. It's an escape from reality. Dr. Tolken's work, on the top end of that scale, had the benefit of the knowledge of a linguistics professor bringing his knowledge of language, history and folklore to his stories. And to be honest, Randall in Clerks 2 had the most succinct critique of that saga I've ever seen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92iU4Tn8iSw
Anyways, back to the generic S&S: Finally, we reach the climax, 4) the EV's Stronghold. Maybe the band sneaks in through a sewer or back door, perhaps the CW, finding some courage, tricks some guards into a shadowy alley and the guards' uniforms are taken from their subdued forms. Or they go in swinging. Or his thieving skills come to the front and he scales a wall to let them in the Stronghold from the other side. Finally, we reach the EV. He makes some gloating speech about his evil nature. Perhaps he says, in essence, "Hey, I am what I am." He then offers to have the MW join him or die. If -oops, WHEN the MW turns him down, he angrily strikes. Or it's at this point the DAH makes his move and betrays the group. If we're being really grim, either the HC or the CR, but not both, perish at the DAH's hands. The MW angrily strikes down the DAH to confront the EV. (Note: if the DAH was working for the EV and decides to throw his lot in with the MW's side, this is where the EV angrily kills the DAH.) Sometimes the EV has a Loyal Lackey fight his battles for him. If the DAH is still here, he fights the LL, while the MW fights the EV. Maybe the LL kills the DAH, much to the EV's glee and the MW's consternation. It's at this point the MW kills the LL. At this point the EV makes a gloating comment about how the MW's good traits will be his undoing. Another mighty battle between the EV and the MW ensues. After striking some serious damage against the MW, the EV is brought to his knees. The EV pleads for mercy. The MW snorts in derision, makes some laconic comment about the EV, then kills him. "Noooooooo!" cries the EV as he dies. If any in the MW's party have died in the aftermath, the survivors make some comment about how they'll be missed and the nature of their courage. The final shot is of the MW walking off triumphantly into the sunset. If the HC is still around, they kiss. If the CR is around, a friendly smile and comradely clasp of the arms is to be had. Triumphant music. End credits with a lot of Spanish/and or Italian last names on the crew and cast come up. The end.
In summation, if you've seen one S&S, you've seen 'em all. So I propose that if you must, absolutely have to watch a S&S film, there is one film you need to see, and then your obligations to that genre will have been fulfilled. Will it be 'Conan the Barbarian', 'Willow'? 'Krull'? 'Fire and Ice'? Any of the Ray Harryhausen or Steve Reeves ones? No.
The one movie you must see to satisfy your "S&S' jones is the following one:
The Wizard of Oz.
You're welcome.
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