On 'Jack and Jill"

Just for giggles, after I had seen the trailers for that new Adam Sandler movie, I decided to write a synopsis of the movie, based solely on the trailers. Here's what I came up with, off the top of my head:

"Adam Sandler plays a successful professional who makes at least six figures a year at a job which he seems to do without a lot of effort or sacrifice. His wife is younger and very attractive, and his children are cute and probably adopted. Into this bucolic existence comes his twin sister, also played by Sandler, to visit for the holidays. While Sandler's male character is successful and socially well-adjusted, his twin sister is probably working as a wage slave at an office, single, and appears to lack some social graces. This causes friction between them during her stay, as illuminated via a series of broad physical sight gags, one of which inevitably has Sandler getting hit in the testicles by his sibling. Oh, and there's a scene where she makes a big deal about going to the 'Olive Garden', because, you know, PRODUCT PLACEMENT! Adding to Sandler's discomfort, a famous actor, Al Pacino of 'Dog Day Afternoon', takes a fancy to his sister, and begins to court her. This adds more tension to her presence. Finally, an argument between them ensues involving the actor's courtship of her, which climaxes when the twin sister character breaks into Sandler's 'upset woman' trope, then hits him in the nuts, and goes to stay in a hotel. A montage follows where the sister is holed up in said motel, sadly watching Lifetime movies and chick flicks on the hotel cable and wolfing down pints of Haggen-Das. (We see a pile of empty ice cream containers behind her to emphasize her sorrow. Also, PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!) Meanwhile, Sandler's 'Jack' is gloomily watching old home videos of him and his sister interacting when they were younger. Poignant piano music is playing. He sentimentally chuckles in fond reminiscence upon viewing a scene where his sister hits him in the nuts and he falls down. Perhaps his eyes are tearing up. Then his wife appears, gives him a comforting touch on the shoulder, and gives him the speech about how family is important and his sister may be annoying, but she's the only sister he has, and nothing can change it. (It should be noted that the wife in this movie acts more like the caretaker to a special needs child, than a spouse.) This inspires 'Jack' to mend the bridge betwixt him and his sister, who's had a similar epiphany via a showing of 'Steel Magnolias' on her hotel's Starz cable channel. PRODUCT PLACEMENT!! As neither are where the other person thinks they are, a zany, madcap romp through Los Angles ensues, with the famous actor joining forces with 'Jack' to hunt down the sister. The sister, it turns out, has taken a detour to an old abandoned school playground where her and her brother used to practice their 'double dutch' skills, and in the act of nostalgia, has gotten herself in peril. She sees a ball that she threw up on the roof to torment her brother, and attempts to climb up on the roof to get it. In so doing, she loses her footing on the rusty drainpipe she's standing on, and is dangling perilously off the edge of the school roof. Her brother and Al Pacino of 'And Justice For All' happen to come upon her, assume she's trying to commit suicide, and rush to the top of the roof to rescue her. In trying to rescue her, 'Jack' has to hold Al Pacino by his pants to steady him while Pacino reaches out for 'Jill'. While reaching out to 'Jill', Al confesses his love for her and makes a marriage proposal. This shocks 'Jack' so much, that he loses his grip on Al, and Al falls forward to his doom. At the last minute, Al catches 'Jill' and 'Jack' grabs the cuff of Al's pants, yanking them down around his ankles. Al Pacino was in such movies as 'Heat' and 'Serpico', by the way. 'Jill' tearfully agrees to a de-pantsed Al's offer of marriage. The movie's final scene has Al Pacino marrying 'Jill', much to 'Jack's bemusement. (At the Olive Garden. PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!) We are then treated to a scene of 'Godfather' actor Al Pacino gleefully french-kissing Adam Sandler in drag, with lots of tongue and slobber, much to the wedding party's discomfort. 'Jill' then throws the bouquet, which by a million-to-one shot, hits 'Jack' square in the nuts. Fortunately, 'Jack' planned ahead, and is wearing a protective cup down there on this, his sister's special day. (At some point during the movie, probably during the wedding, we're treated to a cameo by Rob Schnider.) You no longer need to see this movie, America! You're welcome."
So. After having seen the Red Letter Media episode on Jack and Jill, I now realize that when I tried to predict the story, I made the unfortunate mistake of swinging too high. Here, as far as I can tell, is the actual story:

Adam Sandler plays a successful ad executive who makes at least six figures a year at a job which he seems to do without a lot of effort or sacrifice. His wife is younger and very attractive, and his children are cute and one, at least, is adopted. (Maybe the other one is as well, I don't know. I need to stress that I didn't see this movie.) His current task at work is to convince Al Pacino, the star of 'The Godfather' to appear in an ad promo for his company's client, Dunkin' Donuts. PRODUCT PLACEMENT!! (Because 'Pacino' rhymes with 'Cappuccino', you see.) Into this bucolic existence comes his twin sister, also played by Sandler, to visit for the holidays. While Sandler's male character is successful and socially well-adjusted, his twin sister is probably working as a wage slave at an office, single, and appears to lack most social graces. This causes friction between them during her stay, as illuminated via a series of broad physical sight gags, none of which has Sandler getting hit in the testicles by his sibling, surprisingly enough.. Oh, and there's a scene where she makes a big deal about going on a 'Royal Caribbean Cruise Line' PRODUCT PLACEMENT!! because, you know, PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!. And when I say PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!, I mean they literally stop the movie to show a commercial for the 'Royal Caribbean Cruise Line'. The 'Jill' character even evidently says stuff like, 'Oh, look at all the wonderful activities they have on board this amazing cruise liner!' or something like that, I don't know, I didn't see this movie.

Adding to Sandler's discomfort, Al Pacino of 'Dog Day Afternoon', takes a fancy to his sister while Jack and Jill are attending a Lakers' game. This gives Jack hope that he can convince Pacino, an
award-winning actor with a solid body of legitimate work behind him, to appear in his company's Dunkin' Donuts campaign. (If Pacino does not appear in this Dunkin' Donuts ad campaign, Jack is
evidently in no danger of losing his job, nor will his company go under. So there are no stakes within the film to have Pacino sign on with Adam Sandler's character's ad agency. ) So I guess Pacino is on the same cruise as Jack, his family, and Jill, so Jack dresses up as Jill to flirt with Pacino, the star of 'Dog Day Afternoon' to sweeten the pot of Pacino signing on with Jack's ad company. I think. And I believe that Pacino, the star of 'And Justice For All' and 'Serpico' does it, and we get to see Pacino do an ad for Dunkin' Donuts and that's the movie.

In between all this is a scene where Jack takes Jill to a petting zoo or something and Jill gets on a pony and she's too overweight to ride it, so the pony's legs splay out from it at an angle that suggests that the pony would've been put down in real life to spare it further agony. They would've shot the pony right there. In front of all the little kids. In the face. And this all is played for laughs, I imagine. Again, I did not see this movie. Oh, and there's a scene where Jack and his family, including Jill, attend his Mexican gardener's family picnic, and there's a bunch of mean racist jokes at the expense of Mexicans, but since it's all coming out of the mouth of the Mexican gardener, it's okay, I think. And an old lady gets hit in the face by a ball or something, and since they're at a Mexican picnic, someone stuffs some chili peppers under her nose and that revives her and then she eats the peppers and I guess that's all supposed to be funny, because old ladies don't eat hot peppers? And Jill eats authentic Mexican food and gets the shits and it's funny, too. I guess.

Where I dropped the ball in my earlier, sarcastic assessment of this film is that I assumed Katie Holmes, as Sandler's 'Jack' character's wife would behave like Sandler's characters mother instead of his spouse. Instead, her job is to do nothing. She evidently stands off to the side the entire movie and makes no effort to interact with the other characters. Perhaps marrying Tom Cruise was not such a good idea, in retrospect. What else did I get wrong? Pacino and 'Jill' don't get married, I think, though there's a scene where Pacino licks 'Jill' armpit, and it's all hairy and that's supposed to be funny. I believe that 'Jill' finds true love with the Mexican gardener. Also, more surprisingly, while David Spade, Dana Carvey, and Chris Farley's brother have cameos, there's no Rob Schinder to be seen.

And I foolishly assumed that any jokes in this movie would be crafted. It's all non-stop, wall-to-wall people falling down and smacking each other and easy, physical comedy that makes you long for the wit and sophistication of the Three Stooges. Surprisingly, while I predicted plenty of shot's to the nuts, there are none to be found. There's no scenes of fake sentiment to fool the 'tards silly or bored or unlucky enough to see this movie to think it has a heart. There's no mention of the Olive Garden restaurant franchise, either. I suspect that when Sandler and co. wrote this, they had a hard enough time stuffing in PRODUCT PLACEMENT!! references to Coca-Cola, Oreo's, Pepto-Bismol, Sony electronics, Royal Carribean Cruise Lines, Dunkin' Donuts, and American Airlines, perhaps there were other products, I don't know. Again, I did not see this movie. Maybe Olive Garden made them an offer, and it just wasn't enough money.

So here's what I don't get. When you go to a movie in a theater these days, you have to sit through several commercials. Then you sit through several movie trailers, which are commercials themselves.

Then you sit through this movie, which is ninety minutes of product placement. And you just paid fifteen dollars to do this! Shouldn't the movie studio pay you? Or let you in for free, at least? This whole experience has taught me that I, too, can be a hacky, shitty, low-brow writer/director of hacky, shitty, unfunny, racist, mean-spirited 'comedies'. If I'm only willing to lower my standards. And throw any ability to craft a coherent, enjoyable story out the window. Don't you people get it? I accidentally wrote a better movie that the actual film, 'Jack and Jill', by MISTAKE!

I suspect what happened is that Sandler has taken stock of his career. He's weighed the balance and found his rewards wanting. If he makes an 'Adam Sandler' comedy, while it will make bank, the critics will hate it and that will turn off a bigger audience. When he appears in a 'real' movie, like 'Punchdrunk Love' or 'Love Reign Over Me' or 'Spanglish', no one will see them and the critics will respond with, 'Meh'. So at this point, he's realized that he's a middle-aged man who's stock in trade is playing screaming, violent, idiot man-children for comic effect. While this trope has its charms in a twenty-something actor, once the actor in question hits his forties, the appeal begins to diminish, not surprisingly. So now he's at the stage in his life where he's just gone, 'Fuck it, time to cash out.' And so he does. Watch for his next film, 'Open For Business!' In this one, Sandler plays a middle-aged, filthy rich comic actor who needs to get ninety product placements in a ninety minute movie! Can he do it? Go and see...