Saint Peter resignedly placed his account ledger on the lectern stand in front of the Pearly Gates, and, not for the last time, felt like a bad cliche in a lazy editorial cartoonist's repertoire of over-used tropes. Slowly, patiently, he signed in the departed, checking their names off in his great ledger. Just then, a motion caught his eye. A tall, slightly puffy-looking middle aged man in a tweed jacket, slacks, a tousled head of hair and a shirt unbuttoned to his sternum wandered blithely by him into Heaven's gate. An outrage! Saint Peter cleared his throat to attract the man's attention. The man coolly turned to face St. Peter, then took a final swig of the tumbler of amber liquid in his hand. The ice cubes rattled as the glass thumped on Saint Peter's lectern.
"Aha. Steward. I'll be having another Balvenie, please.", the man enunciated in a deep, plummy Oxford dialect. "Neat, this time." Saint Peter put his hands on his hips and regarded the man with a cock eye.
"Christopher Hitchens, you SHIT!", he exploded. "Just what the bloody Hell do you think you're doing?"
"Just shuffled off the mortal coil, and I'm grabbing a table inside, obviously."
"YOU?", spluttered Saint Peter. "You, of all people? First of all, there's a bloody line over to our left, in case you didn't notice, and I can't see how you didn't! And secondly-", Saint Peter paused, his finger dramatically pointing upwards to emphasize his point." Didn't you explicitly say that not only were you an avowed atheist, but you spent your final years debating learned men of God of the very existence of this place! How dare you think you can just march on in, sir?"
Hitchens calmly stared down Saint Peter. "Well, firstly, SIR!", he uttered sarcastically. "Doesn't it seem kind of silly treating the entrance to Eternal Grace like a airline check-in counter?" Hitchens dramatically paused a bit, wishing for another scotch to sip whilst dramatically pausing for emphasis.
"And secondly, does it not say, sir, in that contradictory collection of tribal proofs of Semitic lineage that you call, 'The Bible', that, and I'm literally quoting here, "The faithful will be joined with their father in Heaven, while the liars, the murderous, the treacherous will be cast down with Satan and his hordes?"
"Ee-yeess..?", said Saint Peter, sensing a trap.
"Well,", continued Hitchens. "See the gap there, between the first part of the statement and the second? What about all the people in between? The atheists and Muslims and Buddhists and Scientologists who aren't murderous or treacherous or liars? I understand the concept, that all morality comes from God and thus those on the outside are vulnerable to temptation and the devil and all that. But you know, sir, that there are good people who aren't believers. I know you do. You can't miss them. Therefore:"
"If God alone can deliver us from temptation, And,some people who don't believe in God are also able to resist temptation, then, God must offer his protection against temptation even to some who don't believe in God. One could even say that God aids the atheist's honest desire to follow one of God's rules... even while he continues to deny God. Such as myself, for instance."
Saint Peter spluttered. 'What-what hubris is this, sir?"
Hitchens turned to walk into Heaven. "I'm hoping to bone Sarah Bernhardt while I'm here, actually. Ta!" A dismissive wave of the hand, and Hitchens was away.
Saint Peter watched him leave, then sighed and turned back to his ledger. Some days, he thought, some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
(Please note: I lifted certain parts, (well, STOLE, really,) of this dialogue from David Wong of Cracked.com. I'm not that smart, honestly.)
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