John's Top 10 of 2011

Well 2011 has come to a close, Before I reveal my top 10 I want to reveal some honorable mentions
War Horse
Bridesmaids
Tinker Tailor Solder Spy
The Muppets
Contagion
The Descendants
Super 8
In Time
Crazy Stupid Love
Beginners

Now for the big reveal

10. Midnight In Paris

9. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

8. Drive

7. Hugo

6. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

5. 50/50

4. Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 2

3. The Tree Of Life

2. The Artist

And the best film of 2011 is...........

Shame

There you have it folks 

Merry Christmas!

I hope you guys have an excellent, relaxing Christmas!  See you soon!

John's DVD pick of the week (12/20/11)

Once again I'm sorry for being MIA. This week I chose a film fighting for a spot in my top 10 it's

Midnight In Paris

That's right the Woody Allen directed film is my pick this week. Other choices are the sports drama Warrior, the action film Colombiana, Glee: The Concert Movie, the family film Dolphin Tale, and the thriller Straw Dogs.

My Vintiage pick is, in honor of this weeks releases of Both The Adventures Of Tintin and War Horse, I'm recommeding my top 5 Speilberg films of all time they are ET, Jaws, Jurassic Park, Saving Private Ryan, and Schindler's List.

Insta-specs

So maybe I'm a bit obsessed with Instagram.  And by obsessed, I mean that sometimes I post pictures there and subconsciously think that I blogged them instead.  Whoops!  Here's my feed.

Here's one of my latest snaps.  It's my customized stamp from Paperwink.  And I. Love. It.

The Dark Knight Rises Official Trailer

Christopher Hitchens 1949-2011

Saint Peter resignedly placed his account ledger on the lectern stand in front of the Pearly Gates, and, not for the last time, felt like a bad cliche in a lazy editorial cartoonist's repertoire of over-used tropes. Slowly, patiently, he signed in the departed, checking their names off in his great ledger. Just then, a motion caught his eye. A tall, slightly puffy-looking middle aged man in a tweed jacket, slacks, a tousled head of hair and a shirt unbuttoned to his sternum wandered blithely by him into Heaven's gate. An outrage! Saint Peter cleared his throat to attract the man's attention. The man coolly turned to face St. Peter, then took a final swig of the tumbler of amber liquid in his hand. The ice cubes rattled as the glass thumped on Saint Peter's lectern.

"Aha. Steward. I'll be having another Balvenie, please.", the man enunciated in a deep, plummy Oxford dialect. "Neat, this time." Saint Peter put his hands on his hips and regarded the man with a cock eye.

"Christopher Hitchens, you SHIT!", he exploded. "Just what the bloody Hell do you think you're doing?"

"Just shuffled off the mortal coil, and I'm grabbing a table inside, obviously."

"YOU?", spluttered Saint Peter. "You, of all people? First of all, there's a bloody line over to our left, in case you didn't notice, and I can't see how you didn't! And secondly-", Saint Peter paused, his finger dramatically pointing upwards to emphasize his point." Didn't you explicitly say that not only were you an avowed atheist, but you spent your final years debating learned men of God of the very existence of this place! How dare you think you can just march on in, sir?"

Hitchens calmly stared down Saint Peter. "Well, firstly, SIR!", he uttered sarcastically. "Doesn't it seem kind of silly treating the entrance to Eternal Grace like a airline check-in counter?" Hitchens dramatically paused a bit, wishing for another scotch to sip whilst dramatically pausing for emphasis.

"And secondly, does it not say, sir, in that contradictory collection of tribal proofs of Semitic lineage that you call, 'The Bible', that, and I'm literally quoting here, "The faithful will be joined with their father in Heaven, while the liars, the murderous, the treacherous will be cast down with Satan and his hordes?"

"Ee-yeess..?", said Saint Peter, sensing a trap.

"Well,", continued Hitchens. "See the gap there, between the first part of the statement and the second? What about all the people in between? The atheists and Muslims and Buddhists and Scientologists who aren't murderous or treacherous or liars? I understand the concept, that all morality comes from God and thus those on the outside are vulnerable to temptation and the devil and all that. But you know, sir, that there are good people who aren't believers. I know you do. You can't miss them. Therefore:"

"If God alone can deliver us from temptation, And,some people who don't believe in God are also able to resist temptation, then, God must offer his protection against temptation even to some who don't believe in God. One could even say that God aids the atheist's honest desire to follow one of God's rules... even while he continues to deny God. Such as myself, for instance."

Saint Peter spluttered. 'What-what hubris is this, sir?"

Hitchens turned to walk into Heaven. "I'm hoping to bone Sarah Bernhardt while I'm here, actually. Ta!" A dismissive wave of the hand, and Hitchens was away.

Saint Peter watched him leave, then sighed and turned back to his ledger. Some days, he thought, some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.


(Please note: I lifted certain parts, (well, STOLE, really,) of this dialogue from David Wong of Cracked.com. I'm not that smart, honestly.)

Siri-ously Good Camera

Yum. My new iPhone camera or this sweet treat?  Umm...both.  This lil' jewel is from a local place called Nothing Bundt Cakes.  Unfortunate name.  Delightful product.

A pesto/chicken panini from Bruegger's Bagels. 

Gift Guide 2011: Paper Edition

This was probably the hardest gift guide to put together because there seems to be a never-ending stream of great paper items in the market.  (You should see my list of bookmarked sites.  Whew.)  Since I already did an Etsy guide, I did not dip back into my favorites here, although there are many!

The Linda & Harriett calendar is one of my perennial must-haves.  Each page is letterpressed, and the bottom half can be detached and used as a snazzy postcard.  Stylish and green.  $30

I have these nifty custom notepads from Paper Source, thanks to my pal Missy!  This style is Bebas, but they have tons more.  You get five notepads of various sizes, all with your own name.  $35

How about some monogrammed little notes from In Haus Press via Felt & Wire Shop?  These fun-size cards come five to a set with the letter of your choosing.  $8

Can you even stand this spec-ed out ant print from Rifle Paper?  It's 8 X 10 and impossibly cute.  $24

For the paper lover who has (almost) everything, let me recommend custom calling cards from Paperwink.  This style is woodcut, and you can pick from about 30 different colors.  There are also various styles.  Starts at $31 for a set of 25

To follow up with all of your great gifts this year, you could send these retro-cool thank you cards by Blanca Gomez via Red Cap Cards.  I am digging the sort of vintage storybook vibe to the colors and font.  $3.95 each or $14.95 for a set of eight

App-y as a Clam

So I gave myself a bit of an early Christmas present.  It's an iPhone.  And I'm instantly/officially/hopelessly obsessed.  It took me a while to come around, as I had what I somewhat lovingly refer to as my Jitterbug phone for three years.  I felt practically geriatric.

No longer.

What are some of your favorite apps?  So far I have Evernote, CardStar, Coupon Sherpa, Instagram, Flipboard, and Redbox.  Which ones am I missing, peeps?  And whare are some cool (legal) ways that you use your iPhone?

I plan on posting my final gift guide of the season either over the weekend or on Monday.  Thanks!

Madagascar 3 Trailer

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Postage...

But I love it!  Sending Christmas cards is one of my favorite things of the whole year.

This time around I'm going with Linda and Harriett's Happy Holidays snowshoes and a moose that says "Get Jolly!"  (I heat-embossed the snowflake.)  These styles are not currently available, but they have a few other good ones as well (at a great price!), if you still need some.

I embossed this pinecone on the moose cards.  I'm also going all DIY on some gift tags, as I did last year.  Fun times!  For those who will be getting one of these in the mail, I'm sorry I couldn't wait.  This is just a sneak peek. 

How is everyone getting ready for the holidays?

Review: Shame (****)

Steve McQueen made a real impact in the film world with his powerful debut Hunger. But like with musicians, there is always the risk that a director's second film will not live up to the high expectations the first effort sets. Yet McQueen has a good go with his dark exploration of human character in Shame.

Brandon (Michael Fassbender) is a successful and well off man living in New York City. He is also a sex addict who constantly picks up women, hires prostitutes, views internet porn daily and masturbates at any given opportunity. It affects his day to day life and he lives a lonely existence. His life is made more complex when his singer sister Sissy (Carey Mulligan), a woman with obvious problems, crashes at his place. She interferes with his life, including sleeping with his boss, David (James Badge Dale) and sets Brandon off to tackle his addiction.

Brandon is depicted as a really despicable character, but he is a man struggling with an addiction. There is a number of sexual scenes throughout Shame, but there is no eroticism as Brandon explores more depraved and disgusting acts and his life spirals out of control. Shame plays as a drug addition movie, similar to Requiem for a Dream as someone struggles to give up something hazardous.

Fassbender offers a powerful performance as a dark, sinister man with strong interplay with Mulligan as he becomes threatening towards her. Compare him to Mulligan, a much more brittle character, on the edge for different reason. She gives a heartbreaking performance as a woman who does not know how to do deal with problems and has a sadness in her eyes. Their scenes were enhanced by McQueen's direction, using hand held cameras to follows Fassbender and the conversations stick to one point, making you feel like you are really watching them in a voyeuristic matter. This makes the movie more tense as the tone changes in an instant.

McQueen employs a grainy filter, giving Shame a dark, grim look which is perfectly fitting considering the atmosphere of the movie. The visuals have a similar feel and tone as other gritty and grim New York set films such as Taxi Driver, Midnight Cowboy and American Psycho, all of which follow the horrible underbelly of the city. He has shown that he is a great actors' director, but McQueen also had some great visuals, such as a long tracking shot of Brandon jogging and Brandon watching two people having sex in their apartment.

There are many moments in the movie that have little dialogue, relying on Fassbender superb abilities as an actor, particularly key in the beginning and during a long montage of Brandon wandering alone in New York, playing like a scene in the great novel Last Exit to Brooklyn. This is a movie about Brandon's continuing descent and self-sabotage and Fassbender should hopefully gain an Oscar nomination to back up his award buzz in Europe.

Shame continues McQueen's reputation as being one of the best emerging directors around, sticking to his no holds barred, brutal style which keeps a stage play quality to the presentation. Shame is tough, but worthy just for Fassbender's performance and keeps to a tradition of grim New York based film. 


It's the best film this year.

Review: Hugo (***1/2)

If I can describe this film in one word, it would be beautiful. This film has inspired me in ways that I can't even begin to explain. It's been a while since I've seen a film that spoke to me as personally as this film did. I'm a fan of Martin Scorsese and he's crafted a beautiful ode to not only cinema but also imagination and in a way, it celebrates all the things that help us escape. The world is a scary place and everyone goes through pain and suffering but if you just try and learn to dream, find your voice and not be afraid then you would be surprised what could happen.

I love how this film tells the amazing story of pioneer filmmaker Georges Melies who many of today's directors such as Steven Spielberg and James Cameron owe everything to. I love his films and I own a box set of his work, it's wonderful to see more people be introduced to him and the magic he created that continues to capture the imagination of many.

So if you love the cinema and magic then I highly recommend this masterpiece. Hugo is really something special I think.

Review: My Week With Marilyn (**1/2)

Colin Clark (Eddie Redmayne), an employee of Sir Laurence Olivier's (Kenneth Branagh), documents the tense interaction between Olivier and Marilyn Monroe (Michelle Williams) during production of The Prince and the Showgirl.


Michelle Williams makes a great attempt at capturing the essence of the magnetic Marilyn. There are moments when you could imagine it was the real thing - unfortunately, they are fleeting moments. Monroe was a complex figure and the portrayal here attempts to address it - not necessarily successfully. Kenneth Branagh too gives a top class performance - believable, but not quite as waspish as I imagine Olivier was in real life. It was Monroe's ability to play to an audience - specifically to play to the lens of a camera that is absent in this movie biopic. This production could have been about any actress - not one who truly was exceptional. Nevertheless, a fair attempt at depicting a real story.

Gift Guide 2011: House and Home Edition

This edition of the gift guide features items to make life a little more cozy and/or comforting, and everything is under $20 (individually).  

These Restoration Hardware down-filled foot duvets for guys or girls are quite nice.  I have a pair (in the color to the left), and when I'm awake and not working, there's a great chance these are my footwear of choice.  $19

Wouldn't this glass carafe from CB2 look great in a guest room or office?  One selling point is that the style can blend in with whatever decor is happening--modern, classic, eclectic.  It's like a glass chameleon.  $9.95

 This funky felt owl from At West End could sit next to that fancy carafe and provide a bit of whimsy.  It could also work in a child's room, of course.  $12

Here's a glass food storage bowl from Fishs Eddy.  I could imagine filling it with sweet treats or spiced nuts and giving the whole shebang as a gift.  $5

Kiehl's Ultimate Strength Hand Salve is a no-brainer.  I use this in the winter to keep my mitts moisturized, and a dab'll do ya.  $13-$20, depending on size

A set of Moonstruck chocolate bars?  Why, yes.  Yes, please.  The included four flavors are: dark chocolate, milk chocolate, dark chocolate espresso bean, and milk chocolate Mayan.  $16.95 

MOVIE NEWS!!

NEW MOVIES IN 2012!

-I'll Kill You, You Bastard! -Aging action star goes apeshit and kills a bunch of people who kidnapped and killed his daughter. Explosions, car chases, and the aging action star gets a few quips in, even.

-Who's She Gonna Fuck? - Rom/com where the adorably clumsy lead actress goes on a series of wacky dates to determine which one she's a-gonna fuck. (Spoiler alert: it's the guy in the poster) Yeah, her roommate is a gay man. Spoiler alert: the lead actress marries the guy in the movie poster at the movie's end and throws the bouquet. Her gay roommate catches it and attracts the flirtatious attention of an unlikable supporting character. He rolls his eyes in consternation at the audience!

-Zany PG-13 Comedy -C-list comedian stars as regular guy in improbable comic scenario. Hot Maxim magazine cover girl plays his improbable love interest. Lots of groin punches, pratfalls, and farting in this one. Perhaps the lead will eat fecal matter by mistake? There's probably an animal that pees and poops and masturbates, also. We made this and we don't know. Go and see.

-Action Adventure Based On Children's Toys, making, in essence, a two hour commercial that you pay money to see. We shit you not. Explosions, giant bridges and buildings collapse, hundreds of cars on a freeway go flying. From the producers of 'Meh' and the six guys who wrote, 'Ehh.' comes...'Guhhhh...'

-Franchise Picture 3: The Return of The Franchise -All your favorite characters are back! Well, except for that one guy who's agent got all uppity. Anyway, turns out there's a twist! One of the good guys is actually bad. Oooh! Guaranteed to have at least one explosion. Oh, fuck you. Like you've got anything else to fill your life with, you mindless sheep. It's Friday, you can't get a babysitter, take the damn kids to this. At least you won't have to talk to the little shit-bags for a couple of hours.

-Animated Kid's Cartoon. In 3D. It's for kids. We put some jokes in for the parents who take their kids to these things so they don't get too bored. We got a couple of real actors to do voices so the parents and man-babies who go to these things can go, "Hey, isn't that Jonah Hill playing the green thingy?", during the movie.

-Big Budget Comic Book Movie -Ooh, finally! Didn't think they'd ever get around to this one. Hey, why is that actor playing the lead superhero? He sucks! I'm going to register my contempt on the internet right after I get home! Didja know IMDB's 'trivia' section tells us that the render-farm of computers doing that one special effect took 18 months to make that one scene? Prediction: It takes a bath in the domestic market, breaks even in the foreign market, makes its profit in rentals.

-Biopic.-Contemporary actor plays idealized version of beloved classic celebrity. Details include: poor-but-humble beginnings, determined rise to top, personal tragedy, fall from grace, redemption. Last scene has 25 year old actor in old-man makeup sitting on his porch, contemplating his life's rich pageant. Gets nominated for Best Actor Oscar, doesn't win.

-Quirky Indie film. -Featuring: Bon Iver on the soundtrack, long, meditative shots of the poignantly decaying urban landscape. Probably a 'Manic Pixie Dream Girl' in this one! Oh, who are we kidding? None of you lumps are gonna see this one! Took a prize home at some film festival somewhere, as the trailer endlessly points out, anyways.

-Horror Film - Oh, don't go in there! No, don't go in there! Ah, she went in there! Now she's dead! Oh, I'm so scared! This movie is scary! Hey, why'd she go in there in the first place? The really clever bit is when 'fridge logic' kicks in about five minutes after you leave the theater.

-Oscar Bait -Goddammit, if we don't take the Oscar for Best Picture, I'm gonna burn this studio to the ground! Now get in there and get me an Oscar! Do you hear me, Respected British Stage Actors who are in this thing? Get me an Oscar! I want full retard! I want handicaps! I want abusive husbands! I want growing up covered in your parent's vomit in picturesque Dublin! Go! Go! Go!

-Eddie Murphy and/or Steve Martin comedy -It's kinda cute how they just keep trying, you know?

-Foreign Film -What the Hell is this? How am I supposed to keep up with the movie if I have to read the subtitles at the bottom? Fuck this, if I wanna read, I'll pick up a book. That one chick is hot, though. Maybe the internet has naked photos of her.

-Remake of Classic Film. -Oh, hey, they cast the original's lead actor as a supporting player! That's a neat bit of meta-commentary that's never happened before. #sarcasm. IMDB's 'Trivia' section says they spent five million in CGI editing out his expressions of shame and self-loathing.

-Reboot of Film made a decade ago. IMDB's 'Trivia' section tells us that when the studio approached the original lead actor to reprise his iconic role from ten years ago, he refused. His IMDB listing says he's working as a drywaller in San Bernadino, now.

-White Person Saves The Minorities. -White person shows up, saves the minorities. You're welcome, minorities! Now stop being so uppity! Fuckin' ingrates.

-Mickey Roarke Tries Again. -This is the one, folks! This time, for reals, Mickey is back to the top! Oh, wait. The movie came out and Roarke called it a 'piece of shit'. Well, maybe next time...

-Adaptation of Tween Novel -Meh. Hey, why are they casting a white teenage girl in the lead? Wasn't the main character in the original novel...Black? Ah, fuckit.

-And Yet Another Nicolas Cage Movie -The object lesson in Cage's fall from grace is that once you become a successful movie star, you tend to assume the money tap will never stop flowing. When it inevitably does, dropping millions of dollars on castles you've never visited, let alone lived in seems like a really bad move, in retrospect.

-George Clooney Drama - Clooney plays a man on the edge! When he finds out what the higher-ups have been to, it's up to him to blow the whistle! But it could mean he loses...everything...Also starring: Tilda Swinton as the icy lawyer, Phillip Seymour Thomas as Clooney's oily boss, and some hot chick as his wife/girlfriend. Directed by Stephen Soudeberg or somebody like that.

-I Lost a Bunch of Money Investing in Bernie Madoff's Ponzi Scheme, So Now I'm Stuck Doing These Crap-fests. -starring: Kevin Bacon, Kyra Sedgwick, John Malkovich. Also: Patrick Stewart, Ben Kingsley, and Michael Caine. (who didn't actually lose any money to Madoff, they just, you know, love money.)

Movie News:

Atlas Shrugged: Part 1 comes to DVD and Blu-Ray last month, albeit with a error: “Ayn Rand’s timeless novel of courage and self-sacrifice comes to life…”, incorrectly reads the copy on the back. This is obviously an egregious error of the utmost ineptitude and the producers apologize for the mistake. New covers will be sent to people who register via their web-site. The new copy should, of course, read, "The pointless, unwatchable, low-budget film version of Rand's bloating door-stopper has now, inexplicably been turned into an over-priced drink coaster. Don't hold your breath for parts 2 and 3, folks! By the way, thanks for your money, STUPID!"

Also out on DVD/Blu-ray this week:

-Adorably Quirky! This warm-hearted indie flick stars Michael Cera and Zooey Deschaniels as lovable misfits looking for love. Various reviewers have called it, 'Different', 'Offbeat', and 'Quirkily Adorable'. Some catchy indie-musicians on the soundtrack, though. (Now on Itunes!)

-'Punching, Shooting, and Brooding' In this British thriller, Jason Statham punches, Clive Owen shoots, and Daniel Craig broods.

-'Low Budget Sci-Fi Direct-to-Video Title Cunningly Titled So You'll Think It's A Video Release Of A Big-Budget Sci-Fi Movie That's Still In Theaters'

-'Low Budget Film With A Now-Major Star In It That They Did Before They Hit It Big So Now Their Face Is On The Cover Even Though They're In It For Only Five Minutes'

-'Overpriced Box Set Of Old T.V. Series That You'll Buy, Watch Maybe Three Episodes Of, Then Will Sit Gathering Dust For The Rest Of Eternity.'

-'Director's Cut' -Comes with five extra minutes of footage, commentary track with embittered director getting drunk and passive/aggressive during the course of the commentary.

-'25th Anniversary Edition' -$70 'limited edition' box set. Comes with Blu-ray, Dvd, and Digital Copy (Which is only valid until next week.) Also, extra disc full of pointless extras like forty-minute documentary on catering staff, and a 'collectible' gee-gaw that's broken once you've bought this and actually opened the box. Wait until next month, when they're selling this on Amazon for five bucks. The digital copy won't be valid anymore, and the collectible gee-gaw is missing, but hey. Five bucks.

-'Another Goddamned Adam Sandler Comedy' Fuck. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck. Also starring: Rob Schneider, David Spade, Nick Swanson, Farts, Bodily Fluids In Food And On Clothing And Hair, Product Placement, Fuck.

-'Dreamworks Animated Kids Film' -cover shows lead character displaying 'tude. And by 'tude, we mean, 'looks at viewer with smug expression and raised eyebrow. Starring: Overpriced Comedic Actor doing weird voice so you don't recognize him. Also starring: Indie/Alt-comedians known for their R-rated stand-up routines inexplicably doing voice-over work in a children's movie. Valuable life lessons are learned.

Holiday Previews: Yep, it's the movies that you've waited all year to see that have been hyped up this past year. You probably even saw these previews in the theater this summer before watching 'Green Lantern' and left thinking more about the trailers then the movie you just saw! This is the Oscar-bait, folks! Added bonus: Since they come out during the holidays, you can take your relatives that you only see during this time so it'll count for actually spending time with 'em! Enjoy!

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows: What I always liked about the 'Holmes' character is how he was such a hard-drinkin', hard-livin', hard-lovin' brawler in the original stories. Oh, he wasn't? Ah, well. Future rental.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo: It's kinda grim when you consider that director David Fincher has more talent on display when he's just 'phoning in' a film (like this one) than most other filmmakers have had in their entire careers.

The Muppet Movie: They're Baaaaaack! Ok, if I had to take a kid to a movie, this would be the one. That grinding sound you're hearing is Frank Oz's teeth.

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy: Gary Oldman's one of those actors who plays great villains, but meh heroes. But since I'm at the age now where I relate more to George Smiley than James Bond, it's worth a look, anyhoo. I think Smiley defeats one of the bad guys in this by making him a cup of tea to death...

Mission Impossible-Ghost Protocol: Tom Cruise does more running in this one. Hey, didja all notice that he runs like a girl! Really! After this and the upcoming 'San Francisco Fire' movie, Brad Bird slinks back to Pixar.

Hugo: I actually want to see this. Hence, no snarky comments. Well, here's one: I recall the original book being sold in stores as a 'graphic novel', being that it had illustrations in it like the original Alice in Wonderland. That's not a 'graphic novel', it's a 'book with illustrations'. Also: No ol' Squishy-face DiCaprio in this one, Marty? Augh! That was two snarky comments! Sorry, sorry.

The Adventures of Tintin: I don't have a good feeling about this one. Peter Jackson is an okay director, but he's never done a movie that I really liked. I think it'll tank for two reasons: People who are interested in Tintin aren't going to want to see this, (because it's not really a Tintin story) and people who don't know anything about Tintin aren't going to have any reason to want to see this. (The advertising emphasises the voice actors and the director and the producer, instead of the Tintin franchise. Never a good sign.) Back in the 60's, a couple of live-action Tintin movies were made in Europe, and they were outgrossed by Pippi Longstocking, if I'm not mistaken. The second reason is that the character design is like the one in 'Mars needs Mom's', which didn't outsell 'Theater closed for repairs' in ticket sales.

If I really had to think about why Herge's 'Tintin' comics are so popular, I'd say Tintin in and of himself isn't the reason. He doesn't have any distinguishing personality characteristics, he isn't particularly funny or witty, and he gets out of a lot of his perils in the comics by sheer luck. He's merely a reason to keep the story moving. All the supporting characters have basically one character trait to differentiate them from Tintin. (Captain Haddock is a surly drunk, Professor Calculus is hard of hearing and absent-minded, Thompson and Thomson are bumbling incompetents, etc.) And yet...

What Herge and his assistants gave us was a world that we could get utterly lost in. The world of Herge was clear, incredibly detailed, and looked a lot like the one we lived in, except for all that moral grey stuff. The villains were utterly, well, villainous, our friends and allies were absolutely with us, the perils were thrilling as well as being, well, perilous. It was a world that could only exist in the comics, and specifically, the comics of Herge. That, ultimately, is why I don't have high hopes for the movie.

We're at the stage in history where computer animation is taken as a given, so the novelty of rendering and animating these characters as realistically as possible has worn off long ago. I'd describe the style on display here as 'Realistic/Cartoony', where the art is taken as close as possible to the 'uncanny valley' as can be done. The thing is, movie goer's find this style off-putting. As evidenced in Robert Zemeckis' ill-fated 'Polar Express' and 'Beowulf'. I'm reminded of an old National Lampoon article where an illustrator rendered classic newspaper characters as realistically as possible with appropriately grim captions depicting their fate. (Popeye suffered from a grotesque case of the bends, Henry was born without a mouth, Little Orphan Annie had glaucoma, etc.) As a counter-example, I'll point to the style on display in 'Rango', which is 'Cartoony/Realistic'. The characters themselves are caricatures of lizards, birds, and the occasional person rendered in as 'real' a style as can be done within the parameters of the caricature.. Their animation, however, is highly stylized. This manages to circumvent the whole 'uncanny valley' issue in modern computer animation.

War Horse: Like every Spielberg film in the last two decades, it will have individual scenes of undeniable impact and power. Like every Spielberg film in the last two decades, it will be a case of the sum not being greater than the parts.

Alvin and The Chipmunks: Chip-wrecked: Fuck off. If I had to take a kid to a movie, and they really, REALLY wanted to see this one, I'd bribe them with a new video game console, instead.

Harold and Kumar's 3d Christmas: Fuck you. I'ma gonna see this. I'm probably gonna laugh. It's probably not going to be as good as the first one, in retrospect, but fuck you, nonetheless.

West Elm + Etsy = Less Than Three*

By now it's pretty clear that I heart West Elm.  And Etsy.  Imagine my sheer delight to hear of the two teaming up for a Handmade Holiday Workshop.  I just got home after attending with Ashley and was so excited that I had to blog right away.

All of the Etsy sellers are local Nashvillians.  First up was Hummingbird Factory.  Seller Ashley has really neat screenprinted items, like tea towels, zippered cases, pillows, and much more.

I bought five of these tags!  Two have navy blue anchors, and three have dark brown pinecones.  They will be used on my gifts this year.

Next up was The Shabby Creek Cottage.  Gina showed an edited collection of her range of country/beachy wares.  She uses a lot of burlap, aqua, and stripes.  Ummm....yes!! 

See that little packet to the right?  I bought that!  It's a set of chalkboard tags with jute string.  SO neat!

I also perused really clever stationery at Adelyn Stone.

It's rather dreadful that my stationery collection is so jam-packed.  I had to just walk away, or I would've gone a bit crazy.  She's definitely added to my favorites, though!

And I wanted to give a little pic-love to the host of the event.

(Missy, aren't these cool?!  Wink!)

Best of all, the event benefitted Oasis Center, a local charity that offers youth counseling, shelter, college assistance, and tons of activities.  It was a wonderful night!

*Less than three is <3.  I got that little phrase from a card from Kristan Lynn, the seller at Adelyn Stone.

On 'Jack and Jill"

Just for giggles, after I had seen the trailers for that new Adam Sandler movie, I decided to write a synopsis of the movie, based solely on the trailers. Here's what I came up with, off the top of my head:

"Adam Sandler plays a successful professional who makes at least six figures a year at a job which he seems to do without a lot of effort or sacrifice. His wife is younger and very attractive, and his children are cute and probably adopted. Into this bucolic existence comes his twin sister, also played by Sandler, to visit for the holidays. While Sandler's male character is successful and socially well-adjusted, his twin sister is probably working as a wage slave at an office, single, and appears to lack some social graces. This causes friction between them during her stay, as illuminated via a series of broad physical sight gags, one of which inevitably has Sandler getting hit in the testicles by his sibling. Oh, and there's a scene where she makes a big deal about going to the 'Olive Garden', because, you know, PRODUCT PLACEMENT! Adding to Sandler's discomfort, a famous actor, Al Pacino of 'Dog Day Afternoon', takes a fancy to his sister, and begins to court her. This adds more tension to her presence. Finally, an argument between them ensues involving the actor's courtship of her, which climaxes when the twin sister character breaks into Sandler's 'upset woman' trope, then hits him in the nuts, and goes to stay in a hotel. A montage follows where the sister is holed up in said motel, sadly watching Lifetime movies and chick flicks on the hotel cable and wolfing down pints of Haggen-Das. (We see a pile of empty ice cream containers behind her to emphasize her sorrow. Also, PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!) Meanwhile, Sandler's 'Jack' is gloomily watching old home videos of him and his sister interacting when they were younger. Poignant piano music is playing. He sentimentally chuckles in fond reminiscence upon viewing a scene where his sister hits him in the nuts and he falls down. Perhaps his eyes are tearing up. Then his wife appears, gives him a comforting touch on the shoulder, and gives him the speech about how family is important and his sister may be annoying, but she's the only sister he has, and nothing can change it. (It should be noted that the wife in this movie acts more like the caretaker to a special needs child, than a spouse.) This inspires 'Jack' to mend the bridge betwixt him and his sister, who's had a similar epiphany via a showing of 'Steel Magnolias' on her hotel's Starz cable channel. PRODUCT PLACEMENT!! As neither are where the other person thinks they are, a zany, madcap romp through Los Angles ensues, with the famous actor joining forces with 'Jack' to hunt down the sister. The sister, it turns out, has taken a detour to an old abandoned school playground where her and her brother used to practice their 'double dutch' skills, and in the act of nostalgia, has gotten herself in peril. She sees a ball that she threw up on the roof to torment her brother, and attempts to climb up on the roof to get it. In so doing, she loses her footing on the rusty drainpipe she's standing on, and is dangling perilously off the edge of the school roof. Her brother and Al Pacino of 'And Justice For All' happen to come upon her, assume she's trying to commit suicide, and rush to the top of the roof to rescue her. In trying to rescue her, 'Jack' has to hold Al Pacino by his pants to steady him while Pacino reaches out for 'Jill'. While reaching out to 'Jill', Al confesses his love for her and makes a marriage proposal. This shocks 'Jack' so much, that he loses his grip on Al, and Al falls forward to his doom. At the last minute, Al catches 'Jill' and 'Jack' grabs the cuff of Al's pants, yanking them down around his ankles. Al Pacino was in such movies as 'Heat' and 'Serpico', by the way. 'Jill' tearfully agrees to a de-pantsed Al's offer of marriage. The movie's final scene has Al Pacino marrying 'Jill', much to 'Jack's bemusement. (At the Olive Garden. PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!) We are then treated to a scene of 'Godfather' actor Al Pacino gleefully french-kissing Adam Sandler in drag, with lots of tongue and slobber, much to the wedding party's discomfort. 'Jill' then throws the bouquet, which by a million-to-one shot, hits 'Jack' square in the nuts. Fortunately, 'Jack' planned ahead, and is wearing a protective cup down there on this, his sister's special day. (At some point during the movie, probably during the wedding, we're treated to a cameo by Rob Schnider.) You no longer need to see this movie, America! You're welcome."
So. After having seen the Red Letter Media episode on Jack and Jill, I now realize that when I tried to predict the story, I made the unfortunate mistake of swinging too high. Here, as far as I can tell, is the actual story:

Adam Sandler plays a successful ad executive who makes at least six figures a year at a job which he seems to do without a lot of effort or sacrifice. His wife is younger and very attractive, and his children are cute and one, at least, is adopted. (Maybe the other one is as well, I don't know. I need to stress that I didn't see this movie.) His current task at work is to convince Al Pacino, the star of 'The Godfather' to appear in an ad promo for his company's client, Dunkin' Donuts. PRODUCT PLACEMENT!! (Because 'Pacino' rhymes with 'Cappuccino', you see.) Into this bucolic existence comes his twin sister, also played by Sandler, to visit for the holidays. While Sandler's male character is successful and socially well-adjusted, his twin sister is probably working as a wage slave at an office, single, and appears to lack most social graces. This causes friction between them during her stay, as illuminated via a series of broad physical sight gags, none of which has Sandler getting hit in the testicles by his sibling, surprisingly enough.. Oh, and there's a scene where she makes a big deal about going on a 'Royal Caribbean Cruise Line' PRODUCT PLACEMENT!! because, you know, PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!. And when I say PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!, I mean they literally stop the movie to show a commercial for the 'Royal Caribbean Cruise Line'. The 'Jill' character even evidently says stuff like, 'Oh, look at all the wonderful activities they have on board this amazing cruise liner!' or something like that, I don't know, I didn't see this movie.

Adding to Sandler's discomfort, Al Pacino of 'Dog Day Afternoon', takes a fancy to his sister while Jack and Jill are attending a Lakers' game. This gives Jack hope that he can convince Pacino, an
award-winning actor with a solid body of legitimate work behind him, to appear in his company's Dunkin' Donuts campaign. (If Pacino does not appear in this Dunkin' Donuts ad campaign, Jack is
evidently in no danger of losing his job, nor will his company go under. So there are no stakes within the film to have Pacino sign on with Adam Sandler's character's ad agency. ) So I guess Pacino is on the same cruise as Jack, his family, and Jill, so Jack dresses up as Jill to flirt with Pacino, the star of 'Dog Day Afternoon' to sweeten the pot of Pacino signing on with Jack's ad company. I think. And I believe that Pacino, the star of 'And Justice For All' and 'Serpico' does it, and we get to see Pacino do an ad for Dunkin' Donuts and that's the movie.

In between all this is a scene where Jack takes Jill to a petting zoo or something and Jill gets on a pony and she's too overweight to ride it, so the pony's legs splay out from it at an angle that suggests that the pony would've been put down in real life to spare it further agony. They would've shot the pony right there. In front of all the little kids. In the face. And this all is played for laughs, I imagine. Again, I did not see this movie. Oh, and there's a scene where Jack and his family, including Jill, attend his Mexican gardener's family picnic, and there's a bunch of mean racist jokes at the expense of Mexicans, but since it's all coming out of the mouth of the Mexican gardener, it's okay, I think. And an old lady gets hit in the face by a ball or something, and since they're at a Mexican picnic, someone stuffs some chili peppers under her nose and that revives her and then she eats the peppers and I guess that's all supposed to be funny, because old ladies don't eat hot peppers? And Jill eats authentic Mexican food and gets the shits and it's funny, too. I guess.

Where I dropped the ball in my earlier, sarcastic assessment of this film is that I assumed Katie Holmes, as Sandler's 'Jack' character's wife would behave like Sandler's characters mother instead of his spouse. Instead, her job is to do nothing. She evidently stands off to the side the entire movie and makes no effort to interact with the other characters. Perhaps marrying Tom Cruise was not such a good idea, in retrospect. What else did I get wrong? Pacino and 'Jill' don't get married, I think, though there's a scene where Pacino licks 'Jill' armpit, and it's all hairy and that's supposed to be funny. I believe that 'Jill' finds true love with the Mexican gardener. Also, more surprisingly, while David Spade, Dana Carvey, and Chris Farley's brother have cameos, there's no Rob Schinder to be seen.

And I foolishly assumed that any jokes in this movie would be crafted. It's all non-stop, wall-to-wall people falling down and smacking each other and easy, physical comedy that makes you long for the wit and sophistication of the Three Stooges. Surprisingly, while I predicted plenty of shot's to the nuts, there are none to be found. There's no scenes of fake sentiment to fool the 'tards silly or bored or unlucky enough to see this movie to think it has a heart. There's no mention of the Olive Garden restaurant franchise, either. I suspect that when Sandler and co. wrote this, they had a hard enough time stuffing in PRODUCT PLACEMENT!! references to Coca-Cola, Oreo's, Pepto-Bismol, Sony electronics, Royal Carribean Cruise Lines, Dunkin' Donuts, and American Airlines, perhaps there were other products, I don't know. Again, I did not see this movie. Maybe Olive Garden made them an offer, and it just wasn't enough money.

So here's what I don't get. When you go to a movie in a theater these days, you have to sit through several commercials. Then you sit through several movie trailers, which are commercials themselves.

Then you sit through this movie, which is ninety minutes of product placement. And you just paid fifteen dollars to do this! Shouldn't the movie studio pay you? Or let you in for free, at least? This whole experience has taught me that I, too, can be a hacky, shitty, low-brow writer/director of hacky, shitty, unfunny, racist, mean-spirited 'comedies'. If I'm only willing to lower my standards. And throw any ability to craft a coherent, enjoyable story out the window. Don't you people get it? I accidentally wrote a better movie that the actual film, 'Jack and Jill', by MISTAKE!

I suspect what happened is that Sandler has taken stock of his career. He's weighed the balance and found his rewards wanting. If he makes an 'Adam Sandler' comedy, while it will make bank, the critics will hate it and that will turn off a bigger audience. When he appears in a 'real' movie, like 'Punchdrunk Love' or 'Love Reign Over Me' or 'Spanglish', no one will see them and the critics will respond with, 'Meh'. So at this point, he's realized that he's a middle-aged man who's stock in trade is playing screaming, violent, idiot man-children for comic effect. While this trope has its charms in a twenty-something actor, once the actor in question hits his forties, the appeal begins to diminish, not surprisingly. So now he's at the stage in his life where he's just gone, 'Fuck it, time to cash out.' And so he does. Watch for his next film, 'Open For Business!' In this one, Sandler plays a middle-aged, filthy rich comic actor who needs to get ninety product placements in a ninety minute movie! Can he do it? Go and see...