Dear Mr. Obermann: What difficulties did you encounter moving from ESPN to MSNBC? And who's your choice for the NHL playoffs this year? Judy from Tulsa
Dear Judy: Ted, Hi. Listen, Ted. I'm not trying to be rude here but you really need to secure your garbage cans a little better. Yeah, they're blowing over every time a strong wind hits the street, and we've got trash from your cans blowing onto my yard. Ok, I know I told you last week to switch from those noisy metal garbage cans to the new plastic ones, but Ted, listen. If you can't tie the cans to the side of your house, maybe you could keep them in your garage until Garbage Collection day? Yeah, it's Thursday at 6, same as usual. Ted, I'm not being patronizing here. I'm trying to help, okay? Well, I'll stay on my side of the fence if your garbage stays in its cans on your side of the fence, okay, pal?
Dear Mr. Olbermann: If you had known in advance what the fallout from MSNBC over your donations to the Democratic candidates would have been, would you have done things differently? Ken from Oakland
Dear Ken: Yeah, Ted, it was me who left that note in your mailbox. Well, if you weren't so defensive all the time, I'd have come by for a friendly chat. Look, the fact is, your damn kid and his friends are playing that music of theirs too damn loud! You gotta get him to turn it down!
Okay, fine, he stapled a bunch of egg cartons to the inside of the garage, great. Ted, that does jack squat if he's playing with the garage door open! Look, I called the city bylaw office, and your kid's band is violating a noise bylaw! I'm gonna get the cops next time! What? What's that? Hey, that's funny! "Buy some Earplugs!" How 'bout you teach your damn kid some manners? Ted, Ted. Listen. I'm trying to be reasonable, here.
Look- Ted, look. I'm on the community board and- Yeah, that's right! I am throwing my weight around, fella! I paid a good price for my house and I don't want my property values to plummet! You know what else? I'm smelling pot coming from there! Yeah, pot! Wouldn't that be a surprise for the cops, the next time they come by to investigate the next noise complaint! Oh, yeah? I'll mind my business when you learn to raise your kids! Up yours, too, buster!
Dear Mr. Olbermann: If one of the responsibilities of the news media is to be as objective as possible, don't you feel that the ideological schism between you and other pundits like your rival Bill O'Reilly will have negative long-term effects on the news media in general? What I mean is, the public' choice in the news is becoming so fragmented, that ultimately, its faith in the news to provide useful information in a timely manner is compromised. The news media becomes an arm of an entertainment empire, and in the end, a mis-informed public winds up acting against its own interests. As seen in the rise of the Tea Party activists, for example. To be even more succinct, wouldn't you agree it's a bad thing that if I, an American who wants the news about my own country without any spin put on it, has to log on to the Guardian U.K. web page? Kevin from Berkley
Dear Kevin: Ok, that does it, Ted. No more Mr. Nice guy! Yes, Ted, that is a lump of dog shit I'm holding here. More specifically, a lump of your dog's shit. I thought your damn kid shat on my lawn at first. Well, it wouldn't surprise me, Ted. What the fuck is that thing, Ted? It shits its body weight twice a day! No, Goddamnit, YOU FUCKING LISTEN! I paid a professional landscaper 25 grand to cover my lawn in Kentucky Blue Grass! They have to import that sod from fucking Kentucky! Oh, don't you roll your eyes at me, you fancy fuck! Firstly, you're paying to have my lawn replaced, asshole! Oh, I'll sue those fake tits off you wife if you don't pay up, fuckface! That dogshit of yours is like battery acid on my Kentucky Blue Grass! Oh, you'll pay, Ted! And you know what else? The next time I catch that shithound crapping on my lawn, I'm not calling Animal Control! No, I'm coming out with a shovel and beating that little rat-fuck shit mutant to death! I'll leave the remains in your fucking mailbox, not a letter! Fuck me? Fuck you, Ted!
Watch this!
'Windup...and the fastball!'
There! Yeah, that dog shit looks really good on your garage door. You know, the door your stoner asshole kid won't shut when he's playing fuckin' feedback through his fuckin' crappy-ass speakers! No, assfuck, I won't wash it off! You wash it off. And throw it in those Wal-mart garbage cans you're too fuckin' stupid to tie down! Oh, yeah? Yeah? You wanna go, Ted? Buddy, you just fucked with the wrong Marine! I ate Bill O'Reilly and crapped out Sarah Palin, bitch! Fucking George Bush is scared of me, Ted! Yeah, Ted, come on, bring the noise! There's gonna be a shitstorm, Ted! Three sounds, Ted! The 'whiff' of you swinging and missing me, the 'crack' of me knocking you flat on your ass, and the 'cha-ching' of my lawsuit against you! Swing at me and you'll have to sell your house! I win, Ted!
Ahh, that's right, go on, crawl back to your hole, Ted! I'll be watching you, bud! Yeah, real tough, flipping me off behind your screen door, Ted! Hey, Ted! Send your wife out, guy! I'll let her know what time it is! Yeah, go on, slam your front door, tough guy. Real brave.
Hm. I wonder if we have still have any of that fried chicken from last night in the fridge...
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