ASK A GUY WHO'S RUNNING A DUNGEONS & DRAGONS CAMPAIGN

Dear Guy Who's Running A Dungeons & Dragons Campaign: Help! My daughter is out of control! Ever since she started junior high, she's become like Jekyll and Hyde! She constantly sasses her mother and me, she refuses to help with chores around the house, she's always on the phone, and when she's not on the phone, she's up in her room on that Internet thingy. Worse still, she's starting to stay out later and later. Last night, she showed up at one in the morning! With makeup! Is this all just a 'teen' thing, or should I be concerned? Up To Here In Duluth

Dear Duluth: Hello, Brian? It's your turn to roll for a saving throw. What? Yes, I know your bard is immune to non-magical charms, but this succubus is using a MAGIC charm SPELL, Brian! Roll! Okay, you do get a plus 2 on your throw. Good, fifteen. Okay, that's not enough to save, so your bard drops his sword and walks- What? No, a fifteen isn't enough to save. Okay, look. It's simple math. You need an eighteen to save against magic charm, and you only rolled a fifteen. Fifteen plus two is? No, it is in fact, seventeen.

Ok, check your calculator. Thank you. Hey, Grant, it's your turn to roll.

Yes, Grant, it's a GROUP charm. That means everyone has to roll.

No, it says here in the Monster Manual that the Succubus can cast a GROUP charm once per combat session. See? Now roll. Fine, nineteen, you make it. Now roll for your henchman. Eighteen. Safe! He reels a bit but stands his- hey, where's Ian? IAN! IAN! You're up, dude! Where is he? Ian, hello-oo? Is he in the john? He is? Fine, we'll wait. What?

'Does the succubus have nice tits'?, Brian? Well, for an eight-foot demon with bat wings, red eyes, razor sharp nails, yes, I suppose she does, at that. I don't see what her 'titties' have to do with- Sorry?

Well, Brian, since you're under her enchantment, I don't think this is the time to 'Do her', is it? IAN! HURRY UP!


Dear Guy Who's Running A Dungeons & Dragons Campaign: I just purchased an older house. It's very nice, built about forty years ago with solid construction, treated wood siding, attic in the garage, two stories. My problem is the gutters along the roof are in need of replacing. They seem to be the old tin/aluminum ones, that warp after a while, and they're making my house look kind of run down. My question is two-fold: What type of gutter would you recommend I replace them with, and secondly, is there a gutter on the market that blocks out debris like leaves and such? A reasonably priced gutter would be okay, but I'm concerned with climbing a ladder for two stories to clean out the gutters every spring. Thanks! Houseproud in Cleveland

Dear Houseproud: What the Christ is Ian doing in there? IAN! HURRY UP! God, if he clogs my mom's basement toilet again, I swear I'll- Hm?

Well, no, Brian, your henchman can't attack, on account of he's by the dungeon entrance, guarding your horses.

Well, you could call him, if it wasn't for the facts that A: You're under an enchantment, and currently have no free will and B: Cell phones aren't available in the world of Medieval Kluthor. Okay, Grant, your henchman can get Brian's henchman, but he can't break off the fight until the next turn, then it'll take five to six turns to go get Brian's henchman, and another five to six turns to come back, so the party won't have access to your henchman's sword. If that's what you guys want, fine. But we're waiting for IAN! IAN! COME ON, MAN!

Oh, what were you doing in there, giving birth? It's your turn to- OH, CHRIST, IAN! TURN THE FAN ON! Jeez! Um, my mom's got some air freshener in there, could you-? Thanks.

*cough*

God in Heaven, what did you eat? Anyways, it's your turn, roll for a save.

Yeah, it's the succubus, she's using a group charm spell. Okay, roll. Whoop, the dice fell off the table. Roll again.

I don't care if it's a twenty, Ian, it fell off the table, it doesn't count. Roll again. No, we agreed last time that dice that fall off the table don't count. Yes, I let it go last week because Brian got all upset and shit when he bounced that dice attacking the Orc chief, and it was one in the morning and some of us have to work at KFC in the A.M. Namely, me.

Yes, Brian, you were near tears. No, you weren't 'angry', you were almost crying.

NO! NO, I'M NOT LETTING HIS ROLL STAND! Ian, roll. Ok, it's eighteen, you're safe, you big baby. Well, if you guys hadn't blown a gasket over a rule that we already agreed on, we'd be moving on. Grant, stop playing 'Angry Bird' on your Iphone and pay attention. Brian, Grant wants to send his henchman to get your henchman to help you fight the succubus, but I told him-

Well, you could use your Magic Remote Message spell, Brian, if you weren't, and I say this again, enchanted. For the second fucking time, already. Are you sure you guys want to send him on? He can't attack this round, and it'll take ten rounds for him to get Brian's henchman? Okay, he's breaking combat this round. Ian, didn't you turn on the bathroom fan?


Dear Guy Who's Running A Dungeons & Dragons Campaign: I recently purchased a 87' Monte Carlo in great condition except for one thing. It leaks oil. A lot. I've already replaced the oil filter, and the oil tray in the engine, but I'm still getting an oil leak. I've heard Monte Carlo's are notorious for leaking oil, but this is getting kind of ridiculous! Oh, I've checked the oil hose, and it's fine, by the way. Thanks in advance! Oil Be Back, in Oxnard

Dear OBB: Okay, Grant, roll for a hit. That's a twelve, with plus three for demons on your sword, and that's a hit. Roll for damage. Six. No, Grant,your bonus is just for a hit, not for damage. Well, yeah, but Succubus aren't Chaotic Evil, they're Neutral Evil. Your sword bonus is for Chaotic Evil, remember? Okay, look at the Monster Manual. What, Ian?

*long pause*

Ian, your henchman can't attack the succubus because he's running back to the entrance to get Brian's henchman.

No, you can't call him back, he's gone.

No, you can't roll for him to hear you call him back because he's gone. What part of that do you not understand? Okay, Ian, roll. What's that smell? The bathroom fan's on but... Eight. That's a miss. Okay, So the succubus rears back and takes a swing at Brian- Huh?

*longer pause, puts head in hands* BRIAN-LISTEN-VERY-CLOSELY. AND FOR THE-THIRD-AND-FINAL-FUCKING-TIME!

YOU-ARE-UNDER-THE-SUCCUBUS'-ENCHANTMENT. YOU-MISSED-YOUR-ATTACK-BECAUSE-YOU-ARE-ENCHANTED. YOU-CAN-ROLL-TO-BREAK-THE-ENCHANTMENT-IN-TWO-TURNS-BUT-YOU-ARE-NOW-HELPLESS. DO-YOU-UNDERSTAND? You CANNOT attack.

God!

What, Grant?

No, Grant. Your henchman can't pull out his Demon Stone because, as I keep pointing out, he's getting Brian's henchman back at the dungeon entrance. Can I finish this round? Okay, the Succubus rolls, that's a hit, and- no, Brian, a fifteen is a hit!

No, see, your armor class is-

No, Brian, this is basic math, again. Grant, I swear to fuck if you don't put that Iphone away, I'm going to-to...

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL? IAN, ARE YOU SITTING IN MY HOUSE AT MY TABLE WITH ACTUAL SHIT IN YOUR PANTS? THE FUCK, DUDE? THE FUCK? YOU SPENT TEN MINUTES IN MY MOM'S BATHROOM IN HER BASEMENT TAKING A SHIT AND YOU AREN'T FINISHED? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? SHUT-THE-FUCK-UP, BRIAN!! GRANT, GIVE ME THAT IPHONE OR I'LL TAKE IT FROM YOU AND SMASH IT OVER YOUR STUPID CUNT-LICKING, ASS-FUCK SHITHEAD!

*long, awkward pause*

Ok, you know what? Get out. All of you. Get the fuck out of my house. Now. Fuck all you assholes. I spent a week working on this dungeon and for what? So you assholes can act like retards, whine, carry on, argue over every rule in the book, try to have sex with female monsters that are trying to kill you, BRIAN, play games on your phone, GRANT, and finally, and unbelievably, IAN, not be toilet trained. I was going to lay my final throne of the Lich-Queen Xymoxia on you fucking ingrates, but you know what? You're all going to miss out! That's right, Brian! I had a +4 Vorpal sword over her throne and you could'a got your greasy little palms on it! Ha, ha! But now you're not gonna! You all would've got 5000 experience points, which would've put Ian and Grant up a level, 2000 gold pieces each, and five, count 'em five fucking healing potions! If you fuckin' gaylords can't act like adults and treat Dungeons and Dragons with the gravitas and respect it deserves, the world is going to continue to see table-top RPGs as juvenile, sophomoric, lightweight entertainment for nerds. And you guys are just perpetuating the stereotypes. So once again, good job, fuck all of you, get your shit, and get the hell out. Goodbye, forever, asshats.

Excuse me, Grant, what was that?

Well, yeah, Grant, obviously I'm still on for our World of Warcraft clan's raid this next Tuesday. Dur!