Sights of the Season

I've been meaning to post these few pictures from the last month or so.  Here are: a pumpkin spice Bundt cake, homemade mashed potatoes, and mini-loaves of banana nut bread. 

Happy New Year, dear readers.

Merry Christmas To You

I hope you have a great Christmas.  Mine's a work in progress.  I'm "on beeper" for my company, trying to put out e-fires at hospitals around the country.  I do have the whole series of Arrested Development to keep me company, though. 

I may not post much for a week or so, but never fear; like a phoenix or a runny nose, I shall return.

ASK KEITH OLBERMANN WHILE HE'S FEUDING WITH HIS NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOUR

Dear Mr. Obermann: What difficulties did you encounter moving from ESPN to MSNBC? And who's your choice for the NHL playoffs this year? Judy from Tulsa
Dear Judy: Ted, Hi. Listen, Ted. I'm not trying to be rude here but you really need to secure your garbage cans a little better. Yeah, they're blowing over every time a strong wind hits the street, and we've got trash from your cans blowing onto my yard. Ok, I know I told you last week to switch from those noisy metal garbage cans to the new plastic ones, but Ted, listen. If you can't tie the cans to the side of your house, maybe you could keep them in your garage until Garbage Collection day? Yeah, it's Thursday at 6, same as usual. Ted, I'm not being patronizing here. I'm trying to help, okay? Well, I'll stay on my side of the fence if your garbage stays in its cans on your side of the fence, okay, pal?

Dear Mr. Olbermann: If you had known in advance what the fallout from MSNBC over your donations to the Democratic candidates would have been, would you have done things differently? Ken from Oakland

Dear Ken: Yeah, Ted, it was me who left that note in your mailbox. Well, if you weren't so defensive all the time, I'd have come by for a friendly chat. Look, the fact is, your damn kid and his friends are playing that music of theirs too damn loud! You gotta get him to turn it down!
Okay, fine, he stapled a bunch of egg cartons to the inside of the garage, great. Ted, that does jack squat if he's playing with the garage door open! Look, I called the city bylaw office, and your kid's band is violating a noise bylaw! I'm gonna get the cops next time! What? What's that? Hey, that's funny! "Buy some Earplugs!" How 'bout you teach your damn kid some manners? Ted, Ted. Listen. I'm trying to be reasonable, here.
Look- Ted, look. I'm on the community board and- Yeah, that's right! I am throwing my weight around, fella! I paid a good price for my house and I don't want my property values to plummet! You know what else? I'm smelling pot coming from there! Yeah, pot! Wouldn't that be a surprise for the cops, the next time they come by to investigate the next noise complaint! Oh, yeah? I'll mind my business when you learn to raise your kids! Up yours, too, buster!

Dear Mr. Olbermann: If one of the responsibilities of the news media is to be as objective as possible, don't you feel that the ideological schism between you and other pundits like your rival Bill O'Reilly will have negative long-term effects on the news media in general? What I mean is, the public' choice in the news is becoming so fragmented, that ultimately, its faith in the news to provide useful information in a timely manner is compromised. The news media becomes an arm of an entertainment empire, and in the end, a mis-informed public winds up acting against its own interests. As seen in the rise of the Tea Party activists, for example. To be even more succinct, wouldn't you agree it's a bad thing that if I, an American who wants the news about my own country without any spin put on it, has to log on to the Guardian U.K. web page? Kevin from Berkley

Dear Kevin: Ok, that does it, Ted. No more Mr. Nice guy! Yes, Ted, that is a lump of dog shit I'm holding here. More specifically, a lump of your dog's shit. I thought your damn kid shat on my lawn at first. Well, it wouldn't surprise me, Ted. What the fuck is that thing, Ted? It shits its body weight twice a day! No, Goddamnit, YOU FUCKING LISTEN! I paid a professional landscaper 25 grand to cover my lawn in Kentucky Blue Grass! They have to import that sod from fucking Kentucky! Oh, don't you roll your eyes at me, you fancy fuck! Firstly, you're paying to have my lawn replaced, asshole! Oh, I'll sue those fake tits off you wife if you don't pay up, fuckface! That dogshit of yours is like battery acid on my Kentucky Blue Grass! Oh, you'll pay, Ted! And you know what else? The next time I catch that shithound crapping on my lawn, I'm not calling Animal Control! No, I'm coming out with a shovel and beating that little rat-fuck shit mutant to death! I'll leave the remains in your fucking mailbox, not a letter! Fuck me? Fuck you, Ted!

Watch this!

'Windup...and the fastball!'

There! Yeah, that dog shit looks really good on your garage door. You know, the door your stoner asshole kid won't shut when he's playing fuckin' feedback through his fuckin' crappy-ass speakers! No, assfuck, I won't wash it off! You wash it off. And throw it in those Wal-mart garbage cans you're too fuckin' stupid to tie down! Oh, yeah? Yeah? You wanna go, Ted? Buddy, you just fucked with the wrong Marine! I ate Bill O'Reilly and crapped out Sarah Palin, bitch! Fucking George Bush is scared of me, Ted! Yeah, Ted, come on, bring the noise! There's gonna be a shitstorm, Ted! Three sounds, Ted! The 'whiff' of you swinging and missing me, the 'crack' of me knocking you flat on your ass, and the 'cha-ching' of my lawsuit against you! Swing at me and you'll have to sell your house! I win, Ted!

Ahh, that's right, go on, crawl back to your hole, Ted! I'll be watching you, bud! Yeah, real tough, flipping me off behind your screen door, Ted! Hey, Ted! Send your wife out, guy! I'll let her know what time it is! Yeah, go on, slam your front door, tough guy. Real brave.

Hm. I wonder if we have still have any of that fried chicken from last night in the fridge...

Deja Vu...Scary

Do you happen to remember this post?  Whew.  I do now.

It's because today, over on Manifold Destiny, I saw a link to this:

I thought, "Dang.  I should do a quick post on this bag from Hickoree's Hard Goods.  And I should call it It's In The Bag."  Then I searched my own blog for the word bag.  Hmmm....

All I can say now is I'm nothing if not consistent.

ASK A GUY WHO'S RUNNING A DUNGEONS & DRAGONS CAMPAIGN

Dear Guy Who's Running A Dungeons & Dragons Campaign: Help! My daughter is out of control! Ever since she started junior high, she's become like Jekyll and Hyde! She constantly sasses her mother and me, she refuses to help with chores around the house, she's always on the phone, and when she's not on the phone, she's up in her room on that Internet thingy. Worse still, she's starting to stay out later and later. Last night, she showed up at one in the morning! With makeup! Is this all just a 'teen' thing, or should I be concerned? Up To Here In Duluth

Dear Duluth: Hello, Brian? It's your turn to roll for a saving throw. What? Yes, I know your bard is immune to non-magical charms, but this succubus is using a MAGIC charm SPELL, Brian! Roll! Okay, you do get a plus 2 on your throw. Good, fifteen. Okay, that's not enough to save, so your bard drops his sword and walks- What? No, a fifteen isn't enough to save. Okay, look. It's simple math. You need an eighteen to save against magic charm, and you only rolled a fifteen. Fifteen plus two is? No, it is in fact, seventeen.

Ok, check your calculator. Thank you. Hey, Grant, it's your turn to roll.

Yes, Grant, it's a GROUP charm. That means everyone has to roll.

No, it says here in the Monster Manual that the Succubus can cast a GROUP charm once per combat session. See? Now roll. Fine, nineteen, you make it. Now roll for your henchman. Eighteen. Safe! He reels a bit but stands his- hey, where's Ian? IAN! IAN! You're up, dude! Where is he? Ian, hello-oo? Is he in the john? He is? Fine, we'll wait. What?

'Does the succubus have nice tits'?, Brian? Well, for an eight-foot demon with bat wings, red eyes, razor sharp nails, yes, I suppose she does, at that. I don't see what her 'titties' have to do with- Sorry?

Well, Brian, since you're under her enchantment, I don't think this is the time to 'Do her', is it? IAN! HURRY UP!


Dear Guy Who's Running A Dungeons & Dragons Campaign: I just purchased an older house. It's very nice, built about forty years ago with solid construction, treated wood siding, attic in the garage, two stories. My problem is the gutters along the roof are in need of replacing. They seem to be the old tin/aluminum ones, that warp after a while, and they're making my house look kind of run down. My question is two-fold: What type of gutter would you recommend I replace them with, and secondly, is there a gutter on the market that blocks out debris like leaves and such? A reasonably priced gutter would be okay, but I'm concerned with climbing a ladder for two stories to clean out the gutters every spring. Thanks! Houseproud in Cleveland

Dear Houseproud: What the Christ is Ian doing in there? IAN! HURRY UP! God, if he clogs my mom's basement toilet again, I swear I'll- Hm?

Well, no, Brian, your henchman can't attack, on account of he's by the dungeon entrance, guarding your horses.

Well, you could call him, if it wasn't for the facts that A: You're under an enchantment, and currently have no free will and B: Cell phones aren't available in the world of Medieval Kluthor. Okay, Grant, your henchman can get Brian's henchman, but he can't break off the fight until the next turn, then it'll take five to six turns to go get Brian's henchman, and another five to six turns to come back, so the party won't have access to your henchman's sword. If that's what you guys want, fine. But we're waiting for IAN! IAN! COME ON, MAN!

Oh, what were you doing in there, giving birth? It's your turn to- OH, CHRIST, IAN! TURN THE FAN ON! Jeez! Um, my mom's got some air freshener in there, could you-? Thanks.

*cough*

God in Heaven, what did you eat? Anyways, it's your turn, roll for a save.

Yeah, it's the succubus, she's using a group charm spell. Okay, roll. Whoop, the dice fell off the table. Roll again.

I don't care if it's a twenty, Ian, it fell off the table, it doesn't count. Roll again. No, we agreed last time that dice that fall off the table don't count. Yes, I let it go last week because Brian got all upset and shit when he bounced that dice attacking the Orc chief, and it was one in the morning and some of us have to work at KFC in the A.M. Namely, me.

Yes, Brian, you were near tears. No, you weren't 'angry', you were almost crying.

NO! NO, I'M NOT LETTING HIS ROLL STAND! Ian, roll. Ok, it's eighteen, you're safe, you big baby. Well, if you guys hadn't blown a gasket over a rule that we already agreed on, we'd be moving on. Grant, stop playing 'Angry Bird' on your Iphone and pay attention. Brian, Grant wants to send his henchman to get your henchman to help you fight the succubus, but I told him-

Well, you could use your Magic Remote Message spell, Brian, if you weren't, and I say this again, enchanted. For the second fucking time, already. Are you sure you guys want to send him on? He can't attack this round, and it'll take ten rounds for him to get Brian's henchman? Okay, he's breaking combat this round. Ian, didn't you turn on the bathroom fan?


Dear Guy Who's Running A Dungeons & Dragons Campaign: I recently purchased a 87' Monte Carlo in great condition except for one thing. It leaks oil. A lot. I've already replaced the oil filter, and the oil tray in the engine, but I'm still getting an oil leak. I've heard Monte Carlo's are notorious for leaking oil, but this is getting kind of ridiculous! Oh, I've checked the oil hose, and it's fine, by the way. Thanks in advance! Oil Be Back, in Oxnard

Dear OBB: Okay, Grant, roll for a hit. That's a twelve, with plus three for demons on your sword, and that's a hit. Roll for damage. Six. No, Grant,your bonus is just for a hit, not for damage. Well, yeah, but Succubus aren't Chaotic Evil, they're Neutral Evil. Your sword bonus is for Chaotic Evil, remember? Okay, look at the Monster Manual. What, Ian?

*long pause*

Ian, your henchman can't attack the succubus because he's running back to the entrance to get Brian's henchman.

No, you can't call him back, he's gone.

No, you can't roll for him to hear you call him back because he's gone. What part of that do you not understand? Okay, Ian, roll. What's that smell? The bathroom fan's on but... Eight. That's a miss. Okay, So the succubus rears back and takes a swing at Brian- Huh?

*longer pause, puts head in hands* BRIAN-LISTEN-VERY-CLOSELY. AND FOR THE-THIRD-AND-FINAL-FUCKING-TIME!

YOU-ARE-UNDER-THE-SUCCUBUS'-ENCHANTMENT. YOU-MISSED-YOUR-ATTACK-BECAUSE-YOU-ARE-ENCHANTED. YOU-CAN-ROLL-TO-BREAK-THE-ENCHANTMENT-IN-TWO-TURNS-BUT-YOU-ARE-NOW-HELPLESS. DO-YOU-UNDERSTAND? You CANNOT attack.

God!

What, Grant?

No, Grant. Your henchman can't pull out his Demon Stone because, as I keep pointing out, he's getting Brian's henchman back at the dungeon entrance. Can I finish this round? Okay, the Succubus rolls, that's a hit, and- no, Brian, a fifteen is a hit!

No, see, your armor class is-

No, Brian, this is basic math, again. Grant, I swear to fuck if you don't put that Iphone away, I'm going to-to...

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL? IAN, ARE YOU SITTING IN MY HOUSE AT MY TABLE WITH ACTUAL SHIT IN YOUR PANTS? THE FUCK, DUDE? THE FUCK? YOU SPENT TEN MINUTES IN MY MOM'S BATHROOM IN HER BASEMENT TAKING A SHIT AND YOU AREN'T FINISHED? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? SHUT-THE-FUCK-UP, BRIAN!! GRANT, GIVE ME THAT IPHONE OR I'LL TAKE IT FROM YOU AND SMASH IT OVER YOUR STUPID CUNT-LICKING, ASS-FUCK SHITHEAD!

*long, awkward pause*

Ok, you know what? Get out. All of you. Get the fuck out of my house. Now. Fuck all you assholes. I spent a week working on this dungeon and for what? So you assholes can act like retards, whine, carry on, argue over every rule in the book, try to have sex with female monsters that are trying to kill you, BRIAN, play games on your phone, GRANT, and finally, and unbelievably, IAN, not be toilet trained. I was going to lay my final throne of the Lich-Queen Xymoxia on you fucking ingrates, but you know what? You're all going to miss out! That's right, Brian! I had a +4 Vorpal sword over her throne and you could'a got your greasy little palms on it! Ha, ha! But now you're not gonna! You all would've got 5000 experience points, which would've put Ian and Grant up a level, 2000 gold pieces each, and five, count 'em five fucking healing potions! If you fuckin' gaylords can't act like adults and treat Dungeons and Dragons with the gravitas and respect it deserves, the world is going to continue to see table-top RPGs as juvenile, sophomoric, lightweight entertainment for nerds. And you guys are just perpetuating the stereotypes. So once again, good job, fuck all of you, get your shit, and get the hell out. Goodbye, forever, asshats.

Excuse me, Grant, what was that?

Well, yeah, Grant, obviously I'm still on for our World of Warcraft clan's raid this next Tuesday. Dur!

If Only You Could Wear It...

I am talking about LearnVest.  I first heard about this on The Nate Show, and I recently saw a little mention in a magazine.  An investigation ensued.

This is a website dedicated to uncomplicating our finances.  Retirement, taxes, insurance, real estate.  It's all there--and more.  And it's all free.  They even have a daily e-mail.  (Check!) 

I've only spent about thirty minutes at this point, but so far it is excellent.  It's easy to see how this could have an Etsy effect (wherein you start out looking at one thing and find yourself, three hours later, with so much more in your mental inventory). 

I have already read articles on getting a better cell phone rate, making your own 'green' cleaners, and brushing up on your auto insurance policy.

Confession: The site is targeted at women.  Don't care.  They break it down, Outkast-style.  Ok.  That's a bit strong, but for real, it's simple and easy to follow, without condescending to the reader.  I really recommend this to everyone, but it would be especially good for younger people who are just graduating and starting to work/save money.  Spoiler alert: one of my resolutions for 2011 is to learn more about investing and jump on it.

Mini-Gift Guide 2010

Ok.  So the gifts aren't mini, but this should be a fairly concise guide to finding something for most people on your list, most under $20.  Tah der.  Remember to buy locally when possible, too, but these are some ideas for those with limited options and/or time.  Please bear with me and read on until the end.  It's worth it!  Promise.

Oh, and the rules I gift-shop by. 

1. Shop year-round.  (Whoops.  Well, this guide is a great place to start, if you're a little behind.  And you'll know for next year.)  This strategy allows you to constantly browse for items on sale or out of season that could be useful later.  Think birthdays as well.

2. Only buy it if you're sure it's something the person will use, read, display, eat, play with, or wear (this can be the trickiest one--see #4).

3. Is this something you'd rather have for yourself?  If you answered yes, then get a duplicate.  You'll only come to resent your loved one.

4. Consider the person's lifestyle.  Are they trying to watch their weight?  Well, stay away from Godiva.  If she's a T-shirt and jeans person, avoid fancy jewelry or sweaters.  She will not wear them.  I had to learn this lesson from some of my family members.

5. Only give a gift card if it's a last resort or you just want to help them purchase something they've mentioned that you do not want to spring for.  Hehe.  Is the person just impossible to buy for?  Do they already have everything they could possibly want?  Have they dropped no hints throughout the year?  You can always donate to a charity in their name.  I like St. Jude and Gilda's Club.  The organization will usually mail a card to the "in honor of" person, and your donation should be tax deductible.  It's a win-win.

Without further ado, here are some ideas that should be crowd pleasers.

2011 Planner from Dozi on Etsy.  Confession: I ripped these right off of Freck.  She won't mind.  They're great and a steal at $11.50 each.

Silver bowls from Jamali Garden.  Ina would approve.  These are $12 each, and you could present one as-is or fill it with candy.  Ghirardelli squares, anyone?!

 Aveda's Shampure Candle.  This is my new favorite thing.  The candle with recycled/reusable glass container is $32 and burns for about 50 hours.  The refill candle is $22.  It's an earthy scent, so girls and guys should dig this.

 Stationery from Rifle Paper Co.  I feel that paper is always a good gift.  This set would be ideal for dog lovers, but Rifle has an excellent selection for other people in your life.  The price is $16 for a set of 8.  That's only $2 per card (with envelope), which is not too shabby.  For a licensed character at Hallmark, you'll spend twice this.  Also consider something like this for children.  It's never too early to teach good manners (like sending thank you cards) in this day and age.

How to Be Popular at FredFlare.  You cannot go wrong with cheeky books.  The cover alone is worth the $13.95. 

 iPod case from Byrd & Belle.  Yes, I blogged about these before, but they warrant a second look.  Angie, the designer, makes cases for just about any Apple product your techie's heart could desire.  This one is $26, and it will be unlike anything s/he will see in stores.

Hopefully this guide has given you some good ideas.  I don't have a promo code or a giveaway or anything except a thank you for taking time out of your day to visit Specs Appeal, throw a little comment love my way, and share part of your lives with me.  I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season.

Christmas, Real Simple Style

I may have hinted at this before, but if you're not signed up for one or all of Real Simple's free daily e-mails (or the magazine itself), you're missing out.  Today's message was no exception.  There was a nifty link to several decorating ideas.  To wit:



You know how much I like a shoe form.  :)

Aren't these cool ideas?  See more here.  Their ideas are actually doable and would not cost a fortune.  Oh, and I'm trying to get in the spirit.  Can you tell?