Predictions for 2008

A new year, new ideas, new hopes. So I keep telling myself. Let's gaze into the crystal ball, shall we, and find out what this year has in store for us...

STILL NO A) FLYING CARS OR JET PACKS; B) FOOD PILLS; C) MOVING SIDEWALKS; D) SILVER METALLIC JUMPSUITS WITH SHOULDER, ELBOW AND KNEE JOINTS; E) SASSY, 'BACKTALKING' ROBOT SERVANTS THIS YEAR, EITHER...

-I was hopin' 2007 was the year for all of those; no dice. Science is movin' forward on the 'robots one can have sex with' though, which is a step in the 'sassy robot servant' direction. (Though, seriously, Science, what the fuck? 'We can either cure cancer in 2008, or... we can make sex dolls slightly more realistic so's you can delay your self-loathing a little while longer!' Science marches on...)*

If the Gernsbackian future isn't gonna happen, then I guess I'll be spending the summer of 2008 in my souped-up Ford Falcon, fighting mohawked thugs on the crumbling highways for puddles of gas and water. Then in late September-early October, I'll stumble on a beleaguered handful of scrappy orphans who've taken refuge in an abandoned Government test faculty. I'll teach them how to fight back against the ravenous hordes, and they'll teach me...to laugh at love again.

BRITNEY SPEARS DIES.

No-brainer, this one. Do her and Amy Winehouse have some kinda contest going on? "Race you to the bottom?" "Sure."

WRITER'S STRIKE ENDS IN A DRAW.

Another no-brainer. Everybody goes back to work, both sides claim victory, and 'Speed Racer' hits theaters in May! "Race you to the bottom?" "Sure."

JOHN MCCAIN WINS PRESIDENCY.

Think about this: If McCain delivers his opening speech at the Republican convention naked, covered in blood, and with a dead baby impaled on the end of his erect penis... And if his speech is peppered with the phrases, "I will rain darkness on the land", "I wish the American people had but one throat so I could strangle it in a single go" and "Flat tax"... He'd STILL win the presidency. Because, you know... Obama and Clinton...

RECESSION HITS U.S.

Which for me, being Canadian, is a good thing. Since, you know, strong Canadian dollar and all. Sure, we might get some blow back down the road, but I'm taking a trip to Washington State around March-April and I kinda relish the idea of being treated like a spoiled boy-king once the septics get wind of my pseudo-Scot accent. Store clerks fighting with knives for my money, fellatio from waitresses, astonished gapes from little children as I fill up my gas tank to the maximum... Oh, boy, I can't wait!

BILL PASSED TO STOP PEOPLE SAYING '(INSERT NOUN HERE) RAPED MY CHILDHOOD!'

At least I'm hoping so. Also, here's some more words and phrases that should send the users to the slammer: "Thrown under the bus", "Threw up in my mouth a little.", "(Noun) Mc(Noun-eson)", "Whateves", "My Nigga!"(especially coming out of the mouths of soccer moms.), "LoLCATS".

'THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS'

Yes. Fuck, yes. I only hope Heath Ledger's 'Joker' doesn't try to get fruity with Christian Bale's 'Batman'. Also, Iron Man! Because if your superhero is a millionaire drunk fuck-up, who better to play him than Robert Downey Jr.? So now we're done? I mean with movies made from comic books? No more? I mean, where are we gonna go from here? Aquaman? Sub-Mariner? Plastic Man? I understand Frank Miller is adapting 'The Spirit', which is an idea that makes me throw up in my- I mean soil my pantaloons in a huff. (Catchphrase copyright ME 2008)

NEW FASHION TREND FOR 2008- INNER CITY YOUTHS DRESS, BEHAVE LIKE EDWARDIAN DANDIES.

Peep little Tyrone, Omar and Jamal 'chillin' on the corner, dressed like they're attending the Eton Regatta. Instead of "Yo, this shit is wack!", their lingo becomes, "I say, Omar! Little Caesar made some quite untoward comments regarding my mother, so perhaps we could commandeer your Escalade and we might perhaps pay a visit to the crumbling brownstone where he abides, so I may pepper his front steps with 9 millimeter slugs from this Israeli-made sub-machine gun?" "Smashing idea, old boy!"

GENETIC ENGINEERING GOES OFF THE RAILS.

In light of the recent fluorescent pigs and cats scientists have thoughtfully provided us, (The material benefit to such endeavors being that if said Oinky or Fluffy glows under U.V. lighting, science can determine that the affected specimen has, in fact, fluorescent DNA.) biologists 'go wild' in 2008! Chimps with nine assholes! Chickens that levitate! Mice that read Proust! Paramecium that resemble Garamond fonts! The possibilities are endless! (Yes, yes, nit-pickers.
I am in fact aware that the fluorescent thingy is to easily determine that not just the fluorescent DNA takes hold, but any other re-sequencing. Yes, I know it has a genuine benefit. I was on a roll. Fuck off.)

MADONNA TO APPEAR IN GUY RICHIE REMAKE OF JIM HENSON'S CLASSIC, 'THE DARK CRYSTAL'

Well, she does kinda look like a Skeksis these days, truth be told.


*(You know, tangenting from that sex doll thing, I got to thinking: Let's say you got, for free, one of those Realdolls. Like, you won it in a contest that you entered as a gag, thinking there was no way in hell you'd win. And now it's sitting in your living room! Your wife or girlfriend (or mom) wouldn't allow it in the house! You couldn't tell anybody about it. I mean, the first thing anyone would ask you is, "So, did you fuck it, yet?" "No, I'm not gonna fuck it! I won it in a contest! You don't think I'd shell out thousands of my hard-earned dollars on something like that, do you?" "Mm-hmmm.." And if you're single, well, you're done. May as well never leave the house. Worse yet, you can't dispose of it in the garbage! How'd that look, you come out the next day and some skanky bum's rootin' through your trash, then rootin' your trash! And if a neighbour jumped to the wrong conclusions and called the police... Boy, you'd have some 'splaning to do, wouldn't you? You could sell it on EBay, I suppose, but then you'd have to deal with someone who actually WANTED one of those creepy things! He'd probably try and pay you in used condoms or something... Ew...)