Maybe Huxley was Right...

Shopkeeper: "And I'm telling ya, that green beer you want me to push is no good!" Capone Thug: "We don't care if it's any good, Pops! We just care if it's sold!" -From David Mamet's screenplay of 'The Untouchables'

This post is not so much a review of "Meet the Spartans", but an explanation of why it's the top-grossing movie in the country right now. (And coming up at number 2 is 'Rambo'!) I was thinking about this after reading the umpteenth review of movie critics shaking their head in disbelief that such a thing could even exist in the same universe that's given us 'No Country for Old Men' and 'There will be Blood'. So here we go.

What's going on is not that the movie-going public are a bunch of retards, but that the movie theater is fulfilling a social outlet. Given the demographics of the population seeing 'Meet the Spartans', in broad terms, the movie is fulfilling a purpose. That is, it's giving a pretext for a bunch of friends to get together after a week of school or job and enjoy a shared experience together. In other words, the movie in and of itself is unimportant, just that there's a context for having a social outlet. And in broad terms, 'Meet the Spartans' is designed to satisfy that outlet. You're not expected to bring anything to the movie, just to spend your ten dollars, plop your butt in a seat, and have a few chuckles for eighty minutes surrounded by your loved ones. And again, in the broadest possible way, that's a perfectly okay way to spend an evening. So I don't think there's any need for hand-wringing about the dumbing-down of our contemporary culture over the release of crud like this.

But.

From what I can tell, the movie aims as low as possible...and doesn't hit it's mark. What you go in expecting to see is a bunch of slow-pitch gags ripping on pastiches of pop-culture-sort of like an eighty-minute version of 'Family Guy'- and any entertainment value is lost by mere virtue of the fact that you can see the gags coming a mile away, and you find yourself finishing the jokes before the actors on the screen do. Putting it in more concrete terms, it's like a fast-food franchise starts to sell the 'Crudburger', a lump of Grade-D meat indifferently grilled by sullen teenagers and angry immigrants, dropped on day-old buns, industrial-level ketchup and mustard, and shoved across the counter to you with an extra helping of hostility for fifty-nine cents...and marketed as such. ("Look, it's cheap and it fills a hole. What more do ya want? The Crudburger.") And you order one of the fuckin' things and bite into it...and there's a rat head in the meat patty.

Look, I'm not even going to bother discussing the movie itself- by this time, you've made up your mind about it, and there's no way any one with more than two digits in their I.Q. is gonna go see it alone. (Oh, man! I'd love to be, for a moment, one of those theater ushers looking at the sad, flabby failures of humanity going to see this movie all by themselves! I'd pull over one of my co-workers, point him out to them, ("Oh, check that dude out! He's using a length of rope to hold up his pants!") and feel morally superior to at least one person on the planet for even a few minutes...)

So I have to conclude that the makers of this hate me, hate you, and hate humanity in general. These mean, sneering, cynical pieces of shit sitting in some plush office in Hollywood alternating between lines of coke ("Oh, shit, dude! Dudedudedude! And then the King Leonidas guy says, 'What horrors will our enemies see fit to set upon us now?' and then there's this big musical dramatic build-up...and then we, like, cut to a close-up of Paris Hilton going, 'Tch. What-evah!' Dude, write that 'un down! I'm on fuckin' fire!) and doing Darvon to soften the cocaine crash. To be fair, though, I really don't think that when they're swimming in their vault full of money, they're gonna stop, feel around for a bit and say, "Oh, dude! Dude! This pile feels about ten bucks short! Oh, shit! We didn't get Tom Pajak's movie money!" "Shit, dude!" "Duuuude", and then start crying softly to themselves.

At this point in history, what we need to do is this... Institute a caste system like the one in Aldous Huxley's 'Brave New World'. People like me (and you, of course) would be the Alphas and Betas of this bold society. We wouldn't set foot in theaters that showed this type of stuff, because we'd be conditioned at birth against it. ("Now when the baby sees the picture of Carmen Electra, we zap it with the taser! And when it hears the Britney Spears song, the metal probe up it's anus heats up to over a hundred degrees!") We wouldn't eat at McDonalds, we wouldn't read 'People' magazine, we'd be free to pursue our own tastes and interests without marketing firms trying to ram indifferently make dreck like "Meet the Spartans" down our throats with the same zest and vigor that a 'new fish' is raped in a maximum-security prison.

Better still, with this 'caste conditioning', I won't have to endure the surly, bitter hatred of the average wage monkey who has to wait upon me if I want a coffee or wish to rent a movie. You'd think they were in the SonderKommando units of WW2 or something. No, with a caste system firmly in place, I'd be faced with a cheerful smile and an eager hand just aching to sell me a phone or serve me a meal! And after they did their twelve hours of shift work, they'd head home to their cosy dormitories, pop their copy of the latest 'Family Guy' dvd into their ez-to-use player-(Only three buttons! Start-Stop-Pause for Tinkles-and-snacks!) and relax content, knowing that God was in his heaven, and all was right with the world.

Who's with me?

Spoiler Alert!

1) "Rosebud" is the name of Charles Foster Kane's sled. It symbolizes his lost innocence, before money had corrupted him.
2) Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father.
3) Laura Palmer was killed by a spirit called, 'Bob',who inhabited her father, Leyland Palmer.
4) J.R. was shot by Sue Ellen's sister, Kirstin.
5) Verbal Klimt was, in fact, Keyser Sose.
6) The little boy who sees dead people is actually helping the psychiatrist realize that he, himself is dead.
7) It was Maggie that shot Mr. Burns.
8) Harry Lime was not dead, and in fact, was running a smuggling outfit in post-war Vienna.
9) Sophie Neveu was the direct descendant of Jesus all along...
10) Bruce Wayne is Batman.
11) Mi-do is not just Dae-Su Oh's lover, she's his daughter! (ew...)
12) Clark Kent is Superman.
13) The wife did it.
14) The butler did it.
15) In the 'Director's cut', it turns out that Deckard himself is a replicant.
16) The wife's butler did it.
17) Bruce Banner is the Hulk.
18) Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in killing J.F.K. No Cubans, no Mafia, no A.F.L.-C.I.O. No grassy knoll, either.
19) The doctor is actually the evil computer Shodan
20) Marliyn Monroe died of an overdose of sleeping pills. Robert Kennedy did not, point of fact, have her killed.
21) There was no 'Zodiac Killer'. Robert Greysmith's been following a shadow.
22) There is no 'Sanctuary'.
23) There's no Santa Claus.
24) Nope, no Tooth Fairy, either.
25) Yes, there is an Easter Bunny, though. Ha, ha, just joking. He's made up, too.
26) You can't get there from here.
27) That's not an exit.
28) Jesus probably did exist, though he looked more like Samuel Jackson than Jim Caviezel.
29) There's no God. Sorry.
30) It's in the last place you looked. It's always in the last place you looked.
31) Adso, the young monk, never did find out that girl's name.
32) It was Sir William Gull who was killing the prostitutes.
33) The maid did it.
34) Lil' Ze killed Rocket's brother.
35) While Jesus could walk on water and feed the multitudes, he could not, in fact, leap tall buildings at a single bound. That's Superman you're thinking of.
36) If it's brown, flush it down. If it's yellow, let it mellow.
37) The survivors on Lost are probably all dead from the plane crash.
38) That new Michael Bay movie is going to suck.
39) So's that Uwe Boll one.
40) Don't pick at it, otherwise it won't heal.
41) To be fruitful and multiply. That's why we're here.
42) Forty-two.
43) A shrubbery.
44) Linguini's secret is revealed. However, Remy becomes a chef after all.
45) The forest god dies. Ashitaka goes to live with the people of Iron town.
46) The people in the refinery filled the tanker not with gas, but with sand. They took the gas with them when they went in the other direction.
47) Yes, Buddha did exist. No, he didn't look like Sammo Hung.
48) The pretty one wins 'American Idol'. It's always the pretty one.
49) The legs on that side of the box are fake. The magician's assistant is curled up on the other end while he's sawing through the box.
50) Alfred Borden had a twin. Meanwhile, Robert Angier used Tesla's science to duplicate himself, with fatal results.
51) It's all in Patrick Bateman's head.
52) It's all in Jacob Singer's head, too.
53) Yep, it's all in Cesare's head, also.
54) No Great Pumpkin, either.
55) I couldn't tell you what the fuck is going on in 'Lost Highway'.
56) "Mulholland Drive", either.
57) Dave Bowman becomes the Starchild. It makes sense if you read Arthur C. Clarke's book, after.
58) The Overlook possesses Jack.
59) Balian saves Jerusalem by surrendering it to the Muslims.
60) It's infected. Go to the Emergency Room.
61) Dr. Strangelove can walk, after all.
62) Ilsa gets on the plane with Laslow. Rick and Louis Renault stay behind in Casablanca.
63) No, Jesus didn't have a supercomputer in his cave. Again, that's Batman you're thinking of.
64) We won't know what Dr. Girlfriend told the Monarch until May, when season 3 starts up.
65) Yeah, there's gonna be a 'Rush Hour 4'. Yes, it will suck.
66) The Samurai defeat the bandits with the help of the townspeople. In the end, it's the villagers who 'win'.
67) Lilian Gish shoots Robert Mitchum in the caboose, and scares him off for good.
68) Pinocchio becomes a real boy.
69) Your cat got run over by a car. She didn't run away.
70) Your dog got gassed. Mom and dad didn't 'give him to a family in the country'.
71) Your pet hamster isn't 'sleeping'.
72) The One Ring gets tossed down Mount Doom. With Gollum and Frodo's finger around it.
73) The cheat code is, "Up, Down, Left, Left, Down. Then you press the green 'A' button three times." That gets you into the wizard's castle. No, there's no 'nude' cheat.
74) Reinstall it.
75) Buy low, Sell high.
76) After Intertech burns down, Peter gets a job in construction. It was Milton that burnt it down, and snuck off to Mexico with the money.
77) Tony leaves Brooklyn.
78) Colonel Mustard in the Pantry with a Candlestick.
79) Hitler dies at the end of World War 2. Stalin stays on a little longer. Truman replaces Roosevelt.
80) Marty returns to an alternate 1985, where his parents are happier, his siblings are more successful, and Biff is just a car detailer. Oh, and that truck he wanted is his.
81) Nope, no 'Jesus Belt' anywhere in the New Testament. That's 'Batman' you're thinking of. He had the belt. And the servant named 'Alfred'.
82) The lovable outcasts beat the jocks and preps at their own game, and the beach resort/ski lodge/bordello/slaughterhouse is saved.
83) The ditsy cheerleader who takes her top off halfway through the movie realizes that her faithful nerd friend was her true love all along.
84) The orphan is reunited with his/her feckless parent.
85) Yep, that's "Everybody wants to rule the world.", by Tears for Fears playing over the end credits. It was an '80's movie, after all.
86) She's a he, man.
87) Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.
88) Buttercup and Wesley get married in the end, and Inigo Montoya avenges his father.
89) While Tom Cruise wants the truth, Jack Nicholson doesn't think he can handle the truth.
90) The Death star explodes again, and the Ewoks celebrate. In the director's cut, we get to see celebrations all across the Empire.
91) The U.S. government seals up the Ark of the Covenant in a warehouse for all time.
92) Jesus didn't have 'webbing' shooting from his wrists to subdue the Roman soldiers! That's Spiderman! Who is Peter Parker, by the way.
93) Jackie Draper stopped believing in Puff, so Puff went away.
94) Once you get a million points in Pac Man, for the Atari 2600, the game resets itself.
95) Grenadine, a jigger of white rum, and grape juice. For a 'Virgin' variant, substitute the rum with club soda.
96) Put your weight on it.
97) Madonna dates the beardy guy cuz he pulls up in a truck and brings her daisies that he pulled from the yard.
98) No, no, no. Jesus does not turn green and huge on the cross and comes down to beat up on the soldiers. That's the Hulk. (see entry #17)
99) Are you sure you didn't leave them on the counter?
100) Plenty of exercise, a balanced diet, support from your friends and family, and attainable goals.
101) You're welcome.

My Karma Ran Over Your Dogma

Some Koan Dialogues...

A young monk appeared at the monastery one evening and asked to speak to the head monk.
The head monk, a wizened old man, painfully tottered up to meet the young monk. After several moments regarding one another, the young monk spoke.
"Good evening, sir. I have heard that you are the wisest man in these parts. May I ask you a question?"
The head monk nodded slowly.
"Would you like to hear about the exciting magazine subscriptions I'm offering to-" The head monk sighed in exasperation and turned to hobble off.
"Damn salesmen...", he muttered.

Kitsune the Fox Spirit and PoPo, the Racoon Spirit were regarding the full moon one night.
"Tell me, Popo.", said Kitsune. "What is the nature of man?"
"Fuck that!", snarled Popo. "What I wanna know is, who stole our tent?"

Master Yoshi was about to set off on a thousand mile journey of enlightenment. He was to travel to where the clouds meet the mountains, and perhaps encounter the Celestial Dragon which lived on the border between Heaven and Earth. For his supplies he was to carry a wooden block to rest his head on when he slept, a cup of water to drink, and a handful of seeds to nourish him. As he about to leave the temple, he regarded the younger monks calmly.
"A journey of a thousand miles...". He paused for effect. "Begins with a single step."
And with those words he walked through the main gate and down the road.
When he had gone out of sight, Manji the head disciple turned to the other monks.
"Party time!", he cried.

The wind and the sun had made a bet. A lovely young woman was travelling on the road below them, and the wind had bet the sun he could blow her travelling robe off her, revealing her supple form. The wind blew and blew, but the harder he blew, the tighter the woman clutched the robe around her.
Finally, the wind gave up. The sun smiled, and then began to shine brighter and hotter. As the woman got hotter, she finally removed her travelling robe, showing her beauty. Truly, the sun was victorious!
"What-ever, fag.", sneered the wind.

The travelling monk approached the noodle vendor.
"How may I serve you today, good sir?", asked the vendor.
"Make me one with every- OW!", exclaimed the monk, who had just been struck by a large stick the vendor had pulled from beside his cart.
"I swear, if I hear that damn joke one more time...", threatened the vendor, waving the stick at the monk.

Jumaji the disciple asked Haru the elder, "Teach me enlightenment."
Haru responded, "Show me the face you had before you were born."
Without missing a beat, Jumanji pulled a mask out from under his robe and put it on. It was a cheap knock-off of that "Scream" mask.
"Arrgh.", said Jumanji, waving his hands mock-menacingly at Haru.
Haru sighed. It was going to be a long day.

Naru the Wanderer happened upon a young man who had got stuck down a well.
"Oh, thank goodness!", exclaimed the young man. "Throw that rope next to you down here and pull me up!"
Naru smiled.
"Young man...", said Naru. "You only think you are trapped down a well. In reality, the well is trapped around you."
And with those words, Naru left the young man. The young man's curses had a strange echoing ring to them. Naru figured the young man's house was near, and he could go in and help himself to the young man's stuff.

Sayara the warrior-poet was being chased by a tiger through the forest. Suddenly he slipped, and fell off a cliff. His hand lunged out and he caught himself on an overhanging branch. Regarding his surroundings, he saw another tiger below him, pacing and licking its chops. Above him, the first tiger snarled aggressively. Then, Sayara espied a single, plump berry on a vine dangling next to him. He plucked the berry and ate it. It was delicious.
"I am so fucked.", thought Sayara.

Two little boys were having an argument. The first little boy claimed that his uncle, Ito, the town magistrate, had the power to bring inanimate objects to life. The other little boy disagreed. Just then, who should appear but Ito himself. The first little boy pleaded with his uncle to demonstrate his power. Ito smiled. "I will prove my power by bringing the stone lion which guards the nearby bridge to life.", he said. "But before I do, you two had better return home to say goodbye to your families." "Why?", asked the boys. Ito said, "Because when I wake him, he will be very hungry, and will eat us all." The two boys reconsidered this request, then left Ito to go back to burning bugs with a magnifying glass.

A visitor to the temple asked Hanara to teach him the way of the Buddha. Hanara asked the visitor if he had eaten breakfast yet. The visitor replied that he had. Then said Hanara, "Now go wash out your bowl." And while the visitor was doing just that, Hanara stole his SUV, which was in the guest parking lot.

For thirty days and thirty nights, Irulan, a student of the Buddha, sought to emulate the Bodhisattva himself by sitting under a Bunyan tree to find enlightenment. What the Buddha didn't tell anyone was that he had been sitting under the tree all that time so's to avoid his wife, who wanted him to clean the gutters on the roof or some other spring cleaning bullshit that she always had planned when March came around. Fuck that shit. He was Buddha!

Late one night, as a rising summer wind blew around the temple, two monks faced one another, their faces animated by the flickering candlelight.
"What is the sound of one hand clapping?", asked the first monk. The outside wind rose a bit in intensity, flickering the candles. The second monk pondered for a moment, than leaned across and slapped the first one.
"You are so dead, fucker.", snarled the first monk.

Enlightenment can come in the most unexpected of ways. For instance, one day, several monks were tending the garden next to the temple when Brother Shochu dropped his hoe in shock. The others looked at him in bewilderment.
"What has happened, Shochu?" they cried. "Why do you stop working?"
"Brothers!", cried Shochu. "I have reached enlightenment!"
Just then, all the monks in the garden reached enlightenment, cheering and dancing around in joy.
Then a village idiot showed up, dancing and singing until his pants fell down around his ankles.
"Aha!", he exclaimed. "I have reached enlightenment, as well!"
This made the monks angry, as the idiot had 'harshed their buzz', as the young people say.
So they threw rocks at him until he ran off.
Stupid idiot.

A young monk was summoned to the Hierophant's palace, to instruct one of the Hierophant's consorts in the ways of the Buddha.
When the monk entered the room with the consort, he was struck by her beauty. Her alabaster skin, her lips like plums, her long eyelashes, her shapely neck and bosom. Comporting himself, he started the lesson.
"What is the nature of Satori?", he asked the girl.
She giggled coquettishly.
"I don't know, silly!", she demurred. "I've never satoried!"
"This girl ain't too bright.", thought the monk. "But I'm gonna fuck her anyways."

EXTRA BONUS! THE GREATEST STORY OF ALL TIME!

A long time ago, three monks set out on a journey across the sea to China to travel the Bodhisattva's path. One monk was short and fat, the second was tall and skinny, and the third was of average height and build. Then their boat got caught in a storm, and sank. Then they washed up on shore, all tired and battered and such. Then, I think, a talking raven showed up and said something. So they followed the raven to a cave where an ogre had kidnapped a local princess or something. I don't know, the story was kinda long and meandering. The monks kept digressing about "The right path",and "the nature of man" and stuff. Look, I'll be honest with you, I drifted off towards the end. Some old guy in a diaper told me this on a mountain top in India and he had, like three teeth in his head and he was sort of hard to understand with all his mumbling. So I guess it ended with the monks rescuing the princess and finding the ogre's gold, since, you know, that's how these stories all end, right? He wanted a donation for telling me this story, and I'm like, Hello? If I wanted fairy-tale bullshit, I'd have stayed home and rented "Lord of the Rings", again, am I right? That's not what makes this a great story, though. On the way back to the village I was staying, I picked up this American trust-fund hippy chick, who was travelling through Southeast Asia on Daddy's dime. So we got to talking that night in the local pub, and while I'm yakking away, I notice her nipples are pointing out through her J. Crew sweater. You guessed it, I fucked her like a flapjack later on. That was awesome. I kept the old diaper guy's begging bowl as a souvenir of my Indian adventure. Like he was gonna fight me for it. He was what, 90 pounds soaking wet? Yeah, it's back at my place if you wanna see it. Oh, shit, that's right! It's at my brother's up in Edmonton. I think his dog broke it. We were using it as a Frisbee in his backyard and she snatched it out of the air and ran off with it. Dumb dog. The girl? I think her name was 'Caylee' or 'Kylee' or some dumb 'alternate' spelling nonsense. She gave me her e-mail address but she lives in like, Seattle. So fuck that shit. Still, it was a pretty awesome trip, all in all. You should go. The flight home sucked, though. I had to sit through 'Duce Bigalow: American Gigolo' twice, for the inflight movie, if you can believe it.

Predictions for 2008

A new year, new ideas, new hopes. So I keep telling myself. Let's gaze into the crystal ball, shall we, and find out what this year has in store for us...

STILL NO A) FLYING CARS OR JET PACKS; B) FOOD PILLS; C) MOVING SIDEWALKS; D) SILVER METALLIC JUMPSUITS WITH SHOULDER, ELBOW AND KNEE JOINTS; E) SASSY, 'BACKTALKING' ROBOT SERVANTS THIS YEAR, EITHER...

-I was hopin' 2007 was the year for all of those; no dice. Science is movin' forward on the 'robots one can have sex with' though, which is a step in the 'sassy robot servant' direction. (Though, seriously, Science, what the fuck? 'We can either cure cancer in 2008, or... we can make sex dolls slightly more realistic so's you can delay your self-loathing a little while longer!' Science marches on...)*

If the Gernsbackian future isn't gonna happen, then I guess I'll be spending the summer of 2008 in my souped-up Ford Falcon, fighting mohawked thugs on the crumbling highways for puddles of gas and water. Then in late September-early October, I'll stumble on a beleaguered handful of scrappy orphans who've taken refuge in an abandoned Government test faculty. I'll teach them how to fight back against the ravenous hordes, and they'll teach me...to laugh at love again.

BRITNEY SPEARS DIES.

No-brainer, this one. Do her and Amy Winehouse have some kinda contest going on? "Race you to the bottom?" "Sure."

WRITER'S STRIKE ENDS IN A DRAW.

Another no-brainer. Everybody goes back to work, both sides claim victory, and 'Speed Racer' hits theaters in May! "Race you to the bottom?" "Sure."

JOHN MCCAIN WINS PRESIDENCY.

Think about this: If McCain delivers his opening speech at the Republican convention naked, covered in blood, and with a dead baby impaled on the end of his erect penis... And if his speech is peppered with the phrases, "I will rain darkness on the land", "I wish the American people had but one throat so I could strangle it in a single go" and "Flat tax"... He'd STILL win the presidency. Because, you know... Obama and Clinton...

RECESSION HITS U.S.

Which for me, being Canadian, is a good thing. Since, you know, strong Canadian dollar and all. Sure, we might get some blow back down the road, but I'm taking a trip to Washington State around March-April and I kinda relish the idea of being treated like a spoiled boy-king once the septics get wind of my pseudo-Scot accent. Store clerks fighting with knives for my money, fellatio from waitresses, astonished gapes from little children as I fill up my gas tank to the maximum... Oh, boy, I can't wait!

BILL PASSED TO STOP PEOPLE SAYING '(INSERT NOUN HERE) RAPED MY CHILDHOOD!'

At least I'm hoping so. Also, here's some more words and phrases that should send the users to the slammer: "Thrown under the bus", "Threw up in my mouth a little.", "(Noun) Mc(Noun-eson)", "Whateves", "My Nigga!"(especially coming out of the mouths of soccer moms.), "LoLCATS".

'THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS'

Yes. Fuck, yes. I only hope Heath Ledger's 'Joker' doesn't try to get fruity with Christian Bale's 'Batman'. Also, Iron Man! Because if your superhero is a millionaire drunk fuck-up, who better to play him than Robert Downey Jr.? So now we're done? I mean with movies made from comic books? No more? I mean, where are we gonna go from here? Aquaman? Sub-Mariner? Plastic Man? I understand Frank Miller is adapting 'The Spirit', which is an idea that makes me throw up in my- I mean soil my pantaloons in a huff. (Catchphrase copyright ME 2008)

NEW FASHION TREND FOR 2008- INNER CITY YOUTHS DRESS, BEHAVE LIKE EDWARDIAN DANDIES.

Peep little Tyrone, Omar and Jamal 'chillin' on the corner, dressed like they're attending the Eton Regatta. Instead of "Yo, this shit is wack!", their lingo becomes, "I say, Omar! Little Caesar made some quite untoward comments regarding my mother, so perhaps we could commandeer your Escalade and we might perhaps pay a visit to the crumbling brownstone where he abides, so I may pepper his front steps with 9 millimeter slugs from this Israeli-made sub-machine gun?" "Smashing idea, old boy!"

GENETIC ENGINEERING GOES OFF THE RAILS.

In light of the recent fluorescent pigs and cats scientists have thoughtfully provided us, (The material benefit to such endeavors being that if said Oinky or Fluffy glows under U.V. lighting, science can determine that the affected specimen has, in fact, fluorescent DNA.) biologists 'go wild' in 2008! Chimps with nine assholes! Chickens that levitate! Mice that read Proust! Paramecium that resemble Garamond fonts! The possibilities are endless! (Yes, yes, nit-pickers.
I am in fact aware that the fluorescent thingy is to easily determine that not just the fluorescent DNA takes hold, but any other re-sequencing. Yes, I know it has a genuine benefit. I was on a roll. Fuck off.)

MADONNA TO APPEAR IN GUY RICHIE REMAKE OF JIM HENSON'S CLASSIC, 'THE DARK CRYSTAL'

Well, she does kinda look like a Skeksis these days, truth be told.


*(You know, tangenting from that sex doll thing, I got to thinking: Let's say you got, for free, one of those Realdolls. Like, you won it in a contest that you entered as a gag, thinking there was no way in hell you'd win. And now it's sitting in your living room! Your wife or girlfriend (or mom) wouldn't allow it in the house! You couldn't tell anybody about it. I mean, the first thing anyone would ask you is, "So, did you fuck it, yet?" "No, I'm not gonna fuck it! I won it in a contest! You don't think I'd shell out thousands of my hard-earned dollars on something like that, do you?" "Mm-hmmm.." And if you're single, well, you're done. May as well never leave the house. Worse yet, you can't dispose of it in the garbage! How'd that look, you come out the next day and some skanky bum's rootin' through your trash, then rootin' your trash! And if a neighbour jumped to the wrong conclusions and called the police... Boy, you'd have some 'splaning to do, wouldn't you? You could sell it on EBay, I suppose, but then you'd have to deal with someone who actually WANTED one of those creepy things! He'd probably try and pay you in used condoms or something... Ew...)