MOVIE NEWS!!

NEW MOVIES IN 2012!

-I'll Kill You, You Bastard! -Aging action star goes apeshit and kills a bunch of people who kidnapped and killed his daughter. Explosions, car chases, and the aging action star gets a few quips in, even.

-Who's She Gonna Fuck? - Rom/com where the adorably clumsy lead actress goes on a series of wacky dates to determine which one she's a-gonna fuck. (Spoiler alert: it's the guy in the poster) Yeah, her roommate is a gay man. Spoiler alert: the lead actress marries the guy in the movie poster at the movie's end and throws the bouquet. Her gay roommate catches it and attracts the flirtatious attention of an unlikable supporting character. He rolls his eyes in consternation at the audience!

-Zany PG-13 Comedy -C-list comedian stars as regular guy in improbable comic scenario. Hot Maxim magazine cover girl plays his improbable love interest. Lots of groin punches, pratfalls, and farting in this one. Perhaps the lead will eat fecal matter by mistake? There's probably an animal that pees and poops and masturbates, also. We made this and we don't know. Go and see.

-Action Adventure Based On Children's Toys, making, in essence, a two hour commercial that you pay money to see. We shit you not. Explosions, giant bridges and buildings collapse, hundreds of cars on a freeway go flying. From the producers of 'Meh' and the six guys who wrote, 'Ehh.' comes...'Guhhhh...'

-Franchise Picture 3: The Return of The Franchise -All your favorite characters are back! Well, except for that one guy who's agent got all uppity. Anyway, turns out there's a twist! One of the good guys is actually bad. Oooh! Guaranteed to have at least one explosion. Oh, fuck you. Like you've got anything else to fill your life with, you mindless sheep. It's Friday, you can't get a babysitter, take the damn kids to this. At least you won't have to talk to the little shit-bags for a couple of hours.

-Animated Kid's Cartoon. In 3D. It's for kids. We put some jokes in for the parents who take their kids to these things so they don't get too bored. We got a couple of real actors to do voices so the parents and man-babies who go to these things can go, "Hey, isn't that Jonah Hill playing the green thingy?", during the movie.

-Big Budget Comic Book Movie -Ooh, finally! Didn't think they'd ever get around to this one. Hey, why is that actor playing the lead superhero? He sucks! I'm going to register my contempt on the internet right after I get home! Didja know IMDB's 'trivia' section tells us that the render-farm of computers doing that one special effect took 18 months to make that one scene? Prediction: It takes a bath in the domestic market, breaks even in the foreign market, makes its profit in rentals.

-Biopic.-Contemporary actor plays idealized version of beloved classic celebrity. Details include: poor-but-humble beginnings, determined rise to top, personal tragedy, fall from grace, redemption. Last scene has 25 year old actor in old-man makeup sitting on his porch, contemplating his life's rich pageant. Gets nominated for Best Actor Oscar, doesn't win.

-Quirky Indie film. -Featuring: Bon Iver on the soundtrack, long, meditative shots of the poignantly decaying urban landscape. Probably a 'Manic Pixie Dream Girl' in this one! Oh, who are we kidding? None of you lumps are gonna see this one! Took a prize home at some film festival somewhere, as the trailer endlessly points out, anyways.

-Horror Film - Oh, don't go in there! No, don't go in there! Ah, she went in there! Now she's dead! Oh, I'm so scared! This movie is scary! Hey, why'd she go in there in the first place? The really clever bit is when 'fridge logic' kicks in about five minutes after you leave the theater.

-Oscar Bait -Goddammit, if we don't take the Oscar for Best Picture, I'm gonna burn this studio to the ground! Now get in there and get me an Oscar! Do you hear me, Respected British Stage Actors who are in this thing? Get me an Oscar! I want full retard! I want handicaps! I want abusive husbands! I want growing up covered in your parent's vomit in picturesque Dublin! Go! Go! Go!

-Eddie Murphy and/or Steve Martin comedy -It's kinda cute how they just keep trying, you know?

-Foreign Film -What the Hell is this? How am I supposed to keep up with the movie if I have to read the subtitles at the bottom? Fuck this, if I wanna read, I'll pick up a book. That one chick is hot, though. Maybe the internet has naked photos of her.

-Remake of Classic Film. -Oh, hey, they cast the original's lead actor as a supporting player! That's a neat bit of meta-commentary that's never happened before. #sarcasm. IMDB's 'Trivia' section says they spent five million in CGI editing out his expressions of shame and self-loathing.

-Reboot of Film made a decade ago. IMDB's 'Trivia' section tells us that when the studio approached the original lead actor to reprise his iconic role from ten years ago, he refused. His IMDB listing says he's working as a drywaller in San Bernadino, now.

-White Person Saves The Minorities. -White person shows up, saves the minorities. You're welcome, minorities! Now stop being so uppity! Fuckin' ingrates.

-Mickey Roarke Tries Again. -This is the one, folks! This time, for reals, Mickey is back to the top! Oh, wait. The movie came out and Roarke called it a 'piece of shit'. Well, maybe next time...

-Adaptation of Tween Novel -Meh. Hey, why are they casting a white teenage girl in the lead? Wasn't the main character in the original novel...Black? Ah, fuckit.

-And Yet Another Nicolas Cage Movie -The object lesson in Cage's fall from grace is that once you become a successful movie star, you tend to assume the money tap will never stop flowing. When it inevitably does, dropping millions of dollars on castles you've never visited, let alone lived in seems like a really bad move, in retrospect.

-George Clooney Drama - Clooney plays a man on the edge! When he finds out what the higher-ups have been to, it's up to him to blow the whistle! But it could mean he loses...everything...Also starring: Tilda Swinton as the icy lawyer, Phillip Seymour Thomas as Clooney's oily boss, and some hot chick as his wife/girlfriend. Directed by Stephen Soudeberg or somebody like that.

-I Lost a Bunch of Money Investing in Bernie Madoff's Ponzi Scheme, So Now I'm Stuck Doing These Crap-fests. -starring: Kevin Bacon, Kyra Sedgwick, John Malkovich. Also: Patrick Stewart, Ben Kingsley, and Michael Caine. (who didn't actually lose any money to Madoff, they just, you know, love money.)

Movie News:

Atlas Shrugged: Part 1 comes to DVD and Blu-Ray last month, albeit with a error: “Ayn Rand’s timeless novel of courage and self-sacrifice comes to life…”, incorrectly reads the copy on the back. This is obviously an egregious error of the utmost ineptitude and the producers apologize for the mistake. New covers will be sent to people who register via their web-site. The new copy should, of course, read, "The pointless, unwatchable, low-budget film version of Rand's bloating door-stopper has now, inexplicably been turned into an over-priced drink coaster. Don't hold your breath for parts 2 and 3, folks! By the way, thanks for your money, STUPID!"

Also out on DVD/Blu-ray this week:

-Adorably Quirky! This warm-hearted indie flick stars Michael Cera and Zooey Deschaniels as lovable misfits looking for love. Various reviewers have called it, 'Different', 'Offbeat', and 'Quirkily Adorable'. Some catchy indie-musicians on the soundtrack, though. (Now on Itunes!)

-'Punching, Shooting, and Brooding' In this British thriller, Jason Statham punches, Clive Owen shoots, and Daniel Craig broods.

-'Low Budget Sci-Fi Direct-to-Video Title Cunningly Titled So You'll Think It's A Video Release Of A Big-Budget Sci-Fi Movie That's Still In Theaters'

-'Low Budget Film With A Now-Major Star In It That They Did Before They Hit It Big So Now Their Face Is On The Cover Even Though They're In It For Only Five Minutes'

-'Overpriced Box Set Of Old T.V. Series That You'll Buy, Watch Maybe Three Episodes Of, Then Will Sit Gathering Dust For The Rest Of Eternity.'

-'Director's Cut' -Comes with five extra minutes of footage, commentary track with embittered director getting drunk and passive/aggressive during the course of the commentary.

-'25th Anniversary Edition' -$70 'limited edition' box set. Comes with Blu-ray, Dvd, and Digital Copy (Which is only valid until next week.) Also, extra disc full of pointless extras like forty-minute documentary on catering staff, and a 'collectible' gee-gaw that's broken once you've bought this and actually opened the box. Wait until next month, when they're selling this on Amazon for five bucks. The digital copy won't be valid anymore, and the collectible gee-gaw is missing, but hey. Five bucks.

-'Another Goddamned Adam Sandler Comedy' Fuck. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck. Also starring: Rob Schneider, David Spade, Nick Swanson, Farts, Bodily Fluids In Food And On Clothing And Hair, Product Placement, Fuck.

-'Dreamworks Animated Kids Film' -cover shows lead character displaying 'tude. And by 'tude, we mean, 'looks at viewer with smug expression and raised eyebrow. Starring: Overpriced Comedic Actor doing weird voice so you don't recognize him. Also starring: Indie/Alt-comedians known for their R-rated stand-up routines inexplicably doing voice-over work in a children's movie. Valuable life lessons are learned.

Holiday Previews: Yep, it's the movies that you've waited all year to see that have been hyped up this past year. You probably even saw these previews in the theater this summer before watching 'Green Lantern' and left thinking more about the trailers then the movie you just saw! This is the Oscar-bait, folks! Added bonus: Since they come out during the holidays, you can take your relatives that you only see during this time so it'll count for actually spending time with 'em! Enjoy!

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows: What I always liked about the 'Holmes' character is how he was such a hard-drinkin', hard-livin', hard-lovin' brawler in the original stories. Oh, he wasn't? Ah, well. Future rental.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo: It's kinda grim when you consider that director David Fincher has more talent on display when he's just 'phoning in' a film (like this one) than most other filmmakers have had in their entire careers.

The Muppet Movie: They're Baaaaaack! Ok, if I had to take a kid to a movie, this would be the one. That grinding sound you're hearing is Frank Oz's teeth.

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy: Gary Oldman's one of those actors who plays great villains, but meh heroes. But since I'm at the age now where I relate more to George Smiley than James Bond, it's worth a look, anyhoo. I think Smiley defeats one of the bad guys in this by making him a cup of tea to death...

Mission Impossible-Ghost Protocol: Tom Cruise does more running in this one. Hey, didja all notice that he runs like a girl! Really! After this and the upcoming 'San Francisco Fire' movie, Brad Bird slinks back to Pixar.

Hugo: I actually want to see this. Hence, no snarky comments. Well, here's one: I recall the original book being sold in stores as a 'graphic novel', being that it had illustrations in it like the original Alice in Wonderland. That's not a 'graphic novel', it's a 'book with illustrations'. Also: No ol' Squishy-face DiCaprio in this one, Marty? Augh! That was two snarky comments! Sorry, sorry.

The Adventures of Tintin: I don't have a good feeling about this one. Peter Jackson is an okay director, but he's never done a movie that I really liked. I think it'll tank for two reasons: People who are interested in Tintin aren't going to want to see this, (because it's not really a Tintin story) and people who don't know anything about Tintin aren't going to have any reason to want to see this. (The advertising emphasises the voice actors and the director and the producer, instead of the Tintin franchise. Never a good sign.) Back in the 60's, a couple of live-action Tintin movies were made in Europe, and they were outgrossed by Pippi Longstocking, if I'm not mistaken. The second reason is that the character design is like the one in 'Mars needs Mom's', which didn't outsell 'Theater closed for repairs' in ticket sales.

If I really had to think about why Herge's 'Tintin' comics are so popular, I'd say Tintin in and of himself isn't the reason. He doesn't have any distinguishing personality characteristics, he isn't particularly funny or witty, and he gets out of a lot of his perils in the comics by sheer luck. He's merely a reason to keep the story moving. All the supporting characters have basically one character trait to differentiate them from Tintin. (Captain Haddock is a surly drunk, Professor Calculus is hard of hearing and absent-minded, Thompson and Thomson are bumbling incompetents, etc.) And yet...

What Herge and his assistants gave us was a world that we could get utterly lost in. The world of Herge was clear, incredibly detailed, and looked a lot like the one we lived in, except for all that moral grey stuff. The villains were utterly, well, villainous, our friends and allies were absolutely with us, the perils were thrilling as well as being, well, perilous. It was a world that could only exist in the comics, and specifically, the comics of Herge. That, ultimately, is why I don't have high hopes for the movie.

We're at the stage in history where computer animation is taken as a given, so the novelty of rendering and animating these characters as realistically as possible has worn off long ago. I'd describe the style on display here as 'Realistic/Cartoony', where the art is taken as close as possible to the 'uncanny valley' as can be done. The thing is, movie goer's find this style off-putting. As evidenced in Robert Zemeckis' ill-fated 'Polar Express' and 'Beowulf'. I'm reminded of an old National Lampoon article where an illustrator rendered classic newspaper characters as realistically as possible with appropriately grim captions depicting their fate. (Popeye suffered from a grotesque case of the bends, Henry was born without a mouth, Little Orphan Annie had glaucoma, etc.) As a counter-example, I'll point to the style on display in 'Rango', which is 'Cartoony/Realistic'. The characters themselves are caricatures of lizards, birds, and the occasional person rendered in as 'real' a style as can be done within the parameters of the caricature.. Their animation, however, is highly stylized. This manages to circumvent the whole 'uncanny valley' issue in modern computer animation.

War Horse: Like every Spielberg film in the last two decades, it will have individual scenes of undeniable impact and power. Like every Spielberg film in the last two decades, it will be a case of the sum not being greater than the parts.

Alvin and The Chipmunks: Chip-wrecked: Fuck off. If I had to take a kid to a movie, and they really, REALLY wanted to see this one, I'd bribe them with a new video game console, instead.

Harold and Kumar's 3d Christmas: Fuck you. I'ma gonna see this. I'm probably gonna laugh. It's probably not going to be as good as the first one, in retrospect, but fuck you, nonetheless.

West Elm + Etsy = Less Than Three*

By now it's pretty clear that I heart West Elm.  And Etsy.  Imagine my sheer delight to hear of the two teaming up for a Handmade Holiday Workshop.  I just got home after attending with Ashley and was so excited that I had to blog right away.

All of the Etsy sellers are local Nashvillians.  First up was Hummingbird Factory.  Seller Ashley has really neat screenprinted items, like tea towels, zippered cases, pillows, and much more.

I bought five of these tags!  Two have navy blue anchors, and three have dark brown pinecones.  They will be used on my gifts this year.

Next up was The Shabby Creek Cottage.  Gina showed an edited collection of her range of country/beachy wares.  She uses a lot of burlap, aqua, and stripes.  Ummm....yes!! 

See that little packet to the right?  I bought that!  It's a set of chalkboard tags with jute string.  SO neat!

I also perused really clever stationery at Adelyn Stone.

It's rather dreadful that my stationery collection is so jam-packed.  I had to just walk away, or I would've gone a bit crazy.  She's definitely added to my favorites, though!

And I wanted to give a little pic-love to the host of the event.

(Missy, aren't these cool?!  Wink!)

Best of all, the event benefitted Oasis Center, a local charity that offers youth counseling, shelter, college assistance, and tons of activities.  It was a wonderful night!

*Less than three is <3.  I got that little phrase from a card from Kristan Lynn, the seller at Adelyn Stone.

On 'Jack and Jill"

Just for giggles, after I had seen the trailers for that new Adam Sandler movie, I decided to write a synopsis of the movie, based solely on the trailers. Here's what I came up with, off the top of my head:

"Adam Sandler plays a successful professional who makes at least six figures a year at a job which he seems to do without a lot of effort or sacrifice. His wife is younger and very attractive, and his children are cute and probably adopted. Into this bucolic existence comes his twin sister, also played by Sandler, to visit for the holidays. While Sandler's male character is successful and socially well-adjusted, his twin sister is probably working as a wage slave at an office, single, and appears to lack some social graces. This causes friction between them during her stay, as illuminated via a series of broad physical sight gags, one of which inevitably has Sandler getting hit in the testicles by his sibling. Oh, and there's a scene where she makes a big deal about going to the 'Olive Garden', because, you know, PRODUCT PLACEMENT! Adding to Sandler's discomfort, a famous actor, Al Pacino of 'Dog Day Afternoon', takes a fancy to his sister, and begins to court her. This adds more tension to her presence. Finally, an argument between them ensues involving the actor's courtship of her, which climaxes when the twin sister character breaks into Sandler's 'upset woman' trope, then hits him in the nuts, and goes to stay in a hotel. A montage follows where the sister is holed up in said motel, sadly watching Lifetime movies and chick flicks on the hotel cable and wolfing down pints of Haggen-Das. (We see a pile of empty ice cream containers behind her to emphasize her sorrow. Also, PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!) Meanwhile, Sandler's 'Jack' is gloomily watching old home videos of him and his sister interacting when they were younger. Poignant piano music is playing. He sentimentally chuckles in fond reminiscence upon viewing a scene where his sister hits him in the nuts and he falls down. Perhaps his eyes are tearing up. Then his wife appears, gives him a comforting touch on the shoulder, and gives him the speech about how family is important and his sister may be annoying, but she's the only sister he has, and nothing can change it. (It should be noted that the wife in this movie acts more like the caretaker to a special needs child, than a spouse.) This inspires 'Jack' to mend the bridge betwixt him and his sister, who's had a similar epiphany via a showing of 'Steel Magnolias' on her hotel's Starz cable channel. PRODUCT PLACEMENT!! As neither are where the other person thinks they are, a zany, madcap romp through Los Angles ensues, with the famous actor joining forces with 'Jack' to hunt down the sister. The sister, it turns out, has taken a detour to an old abandoned school playground where her and her brother used to practice their 'double dutch' skills, and in the act of nostalgia, has gotten herself in peril. She sees a ball that she threw up on the roof to torment her brother, and attempts to climb up on the roof to get it. In so doing, she loses her footing on the rusty drainpipe she's standing on, and is dangling perilously off the edge of the school roof. Her brother and Al Pacino of 'And Justice For All' happen to come upon her, assume she's trying to commit suicide, and rush to the top of the roof to rescue her. In trying to rescue her, 'Jack' has to hold Al Pacino by his pants to steady him while Pacino reaches out for 'Jill'. While reaching out to 'Jill', Al confesses his love for her and makes a marriage proposal. This shocks 'Jack' so much, that he loses his grip on Al, and Al falls forward to his doom. At the last minute, Al catches 'Jill' and 'Jack' grabs the cuff of Al's pants, yanking them down around his ankles. Al Pacino was in such movies as 'Heat' and 'Serpico', by the way. 'Jill' tearfully agrees to a de-pantsed Al's offer of marriage. The movie's final scene has Al Pacino marrying 'Jill', much to 'Jack's bemusement. (At the Olive Garden. PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!) We are then treated to a scene of 'Godfather' actor Al Pacino gleefully french-kissing Adam Sandler in drag, with lots of tongue and slobber, much to the wedding party's discomfort. 'Jill' then throws the bouquet, which by a million-to-one shot, hits 'Jack' square in the nuts. Fortunately, 'Jack' planned ahead, and is wearing a protective cup down there on this, his sister's special day. (At some point during the movie, probably during the wedding, we're treated to a cameo by Rob Schnider.) You no longer need to see this movie, America! You're welcome."
So. After having seen the Red Letter Media episode on Jack and Jill, I now realize that when I tried to predict the story, I made the unfortunate mistake of swinging too high. Here, as far as I can tell, is the actual story:

Adam Sandler plays a successful ad executive who makes at least six figures a year at a job which he seems to do without a lot of effort or sacrifice. His wife is younger and very attractive, and his children are cute and one, at least, is adopted. (Maybe the other one is as well, I don't know. I need to stress that I didn't see this movie.) His current task at work is to convince Al Pacino, the star of 'The Godfather' to appear in an ad promo for his company's client, Dunkin' Donuts. PRODUCT PLACEMENT!! (Because 'Pacino' rhymes with 'Cappuccino', you see.) Into this bucolic existence comes his twin sister, also played by Sandler, to visit for the holidays. While Sandler's male character is successful and socially well-adjusted, his twin sister is probably working as a wage slave at an office, single, and appears to lack most social graces. This causes friction between them during her stay, as illuminated via a series of broad physical sight gags, none of which has Sandler getting hit in the testicles by his sibling, surprisingly enough.. Oh, and there's a scene where she makes a big deal about going on a 'Royal Caribbean Cruise Line' PRODUCT PLACEMENT!! because, you know, PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!. And when I say PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!, I mean they literally stop the movie to show a commercial for the 'Royal Caribbean Cruise Line'. The 'Jill' character even evidently says stuff like, 'Oh, look at all the wonderful activities they have on board this amazing cruise liner!' or something like that, I don't know, I didn't see this movie.

Adding to Sandler's discomfort, Al Pacino of 'Dog Day Afternoon', takes a fancy to his sister while Jack and Jill are attending a Lakers' game. This gives Jack hope that he can convince Pacino, an
award-winning actor with a solid body of legitimate work behind him, to appear in his company's Dunkin' Donuts campaign. (If Pacino does not appear in this Dunkin' Donuts ad campaign, Jack is
evidently in no danger of losing his job, nor will his company go under. So there are no stakes within the film to have Pacino sign on with Adam Sandler's character's ad agency. ) So I guess Pacino is on the same cruise as Jack, his family, and Jill, so Jack dresses up as Jill to flirt with Pacino, the star of 'Dog Day Afternoon' to sweeten the pot of Pacino signing on with Jack's ad company. I think. And I believe that Pacino, the star of 'And Justice For All' and 'Serpico' does it, and we get to see Pacino do an ad for Dunkin' Donuts and that's the movie.

In between all this is a scene where Jack takes Jill to a petting zoo or something and Jill gets on a pony and she's too overweight to ride it, so the pony's legs splay out from it at an angle that suggests that the pony would've been put down in real life to spare it further agony. They would've shot the pony right there. In front of all the little kids. In the face. And this all is played for laughs, I imagine. Again, I did not see this movie. Oh, and there's a scene where Jack and his family, including Jill, attend his Mexican gardener's family picnic, and there's a bunch of mean racist jokes at the expense of Mexicans, but since it's all coming out of the mouth of the Mexican gardener, it's okay, I think. And an old lady gets hit in the face by a ball or something, and since they're at a Mexican picnic, someone stuffs some chili peppers under her nose and that revives her and then she eats the peppers and I guess that's all supposed to be funny, because old ladies don't eat hot peppers? And Jill eats authentic Mexican food and gets the shits and it's funny, too. I guess.

Where I dropped the ball in my earlier, sarcastic assessment of this film is that I assumed Katie Holmes, as Sandler's 'Jack' character's wife would behave like Sandler's characters mother instead of his spouse. Instead, her job is to do nothing. She evidently stands off to the side the entire movie and makes no effort to interact with the other characters. Perhaps marrying Tom Cruise was not such a good idea, in retrospect. What else did I get wrong? Pacino and 'Jill' don't get married, I think, though there's a scene where Pacino licks 'Jill' armpit, and it's all hairy and that's supposed to be funny. I believe that 'Jill' finds true love with the Mexican gardener. Also, more surprisingly, while David Spade, Dana Carvey, and Chris Farley's brother have cameos, there's no Rob Schinder to be seen.

And I foolishly assumed that any jokes in this movie would be crafted. It's all non-stop, wall-to-wall people falling down and smacking each other and easy, physical comedy that makes you long for the wit and sophistication of the Three Stooges. Surprisingly, while I predicted plenty of shot's to the nuts, there are none to be found. There's no scenes of fake sentiment to fool the 'tards silly or bored or unlucky enough to see this movie to think it has a heart. There's no mention of the Olive Garden restaurant franchise, either. I suspect that when Sandler and co. wrote this, they had a hard enough time stuffing in PRODUCT PLACEMENT!! references to Coca-Cola, Oreo's, Pepto-Bismol, Sony electronics, Royal Carribean Cruise Lines, Dunkin' Donuts, and American Airlines, perhaps there were other products, I don't know. Again, I did not see this movie. Maybe Olive Garden made them an offer, and it just wasn't enough money.

So here's what I don't get. When you go to a movie in a theater these days, you have to sit through several commercials. Then you sit through several movie trailers, which are commercials themselves.

Then you sit through this movie, which is ninety minutes of product placement. And you just paid fifteen dollars to do this! Shouldn't the movie studio pay you? Or let you in for free, at least? This whole experience has taught me that I, too, can be a hacky, shitty, low-brow writer/director of hacky, shitty, unfunny, racist, mean-spirited 'comedies'. If I'm only willing to lower my standards. And throw any ability to craft a coherent, enjoyable story out the window. Don't you people get it? I accidentally wrote a better movie that the actual film, 'Jack and Jill', by MISTAKE!

I suspect what happened is that Sandler has taken stock of his career. He's weighed the balance and found his rewards wanting. If he makes an 'Adam Sandler' comedy, while it will make bank, the critics will hate it and that will turn off a bigger audience. When he appears in a 'real' movie, like 'Punchdrunk Love' or 'Love Reign Over Me' or 'Spanglish', no one will see them and the critics will respond with, 'Meh'. So at this point, he's realized that he's a middle-aged man who's stock in trade is playing screaming, violent, idiot man-children for comic effect. While this trope has its charms in a twenty-something actor, once the actor in question hits his forties, the appeal begins to diminish, not surprisingly. So now he's at the stage in his life where he's just gone, 'Fuck it, time to cash out.' And so he does. Watch for his next film, 'Open For Business!' In this one, Sandler plays a middle-aged, filthy rich comic actor who needs to get ninety product placements in a ninety minute movie! Can he do it? Go and see...

John's DVD pick of the week (11/29/11)

Hey guys sorry I've been on MIA These past few weeks. This week I chose a fun Indie It's

Our Idiot Brother

That's right the Paul Rudd leading esamble is my pick this week. The other big releases are The Jesse Eisenberg action comedy 30 Minutes Or Less, the romantic comedy Friends With Benefits, the kids flick The Smurfs, and the Anne Hathaway drama One Day. I have not seen any of these four but I'll see the first two at some point.

My vintage pick is... In honor of this week's release of Shame, I'm recommending Steve McQueen's (that's the director's name) previous film it's Hunger, so pick it up at some point.

It's no secret that I'm a fan of a good homemade pizza.  Well, sort of homemade.  Here was tonight's dinner-in-a-hurry.

I used store-bought crust, pre-grilled chicken, mozzarella, and (squeezable!) pizza sauce.  It took about 15 minutes total, including oven time.

I finished it off with some freshly cracked black pepper.  Nums.

Review: The Muppets (***1/2)

It's difficult not to get swept up by the hype of the first theatrically-released Muppet movie in 12 years. The preview trailers have been going viral since this past summer, and the Muppets & their human co-stars have been hitting the talk show circuit like never before. Audiences who don't catch on to this Muppet fever will be missing a refreshingly entertaining movie.

"The Muppets" lives up to most of its hype. It's a solid, stand-alone movie with a great storyline. While the film may be considered a tribute, which in many ways it is, very rarely does a tribute make a great movie. Any TV show can put the Muppets on proverbial pedestals using archive footage. "The Muppets" succeeds by breathing new life into characters we've known for years, and bringing them back down from their high pedestals so they're easier to see.

It really takes a Muppet fanatic to reintroduce these classic characters about whom the movie alleges everyone forgot. In the movie, that fanatic is Walter, who is himself a Muppet that the world treats like a human being, albeit a very short human being. When Walter accompanies his best friend and roommate Gary (Jason Segel) and his longtime girlfriend Mary (Amy Adams) to Los Angeles, Walter's ultimate goal is to take a tour of the famed Muppet theater. He soon finds that the theater's glory days are long gone, and the Muppets themselves have since gone their separate ways.

In reality, it's Jason Segel who is the Muppet fanatic. Segel co-wrote the screenplay with Nicholas Stoller (director of "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" (2008)), and also served as executive producer. He does a good job acting in the movie, knowing precisely when to take a step back and have the film's real stars take center stage. As a screenwriter, he also allows virtually every classic Muppet to have their screen time, as the Muppets are brought together the same way Jake and Elwood reunited the old band in "The Blues Brothers" (1980). Each character's appearance reminds us why they were so revered way back in "The Muppet Show" days.

While the plot about a Texas oilman wanting to demolish the Muppet theater because they're oil underneath has been done before, but Chris Cooper, as villain Tex Richman, lives up to his clever name. He's funny while also being a convincing villain. He performs a rap number (yes, Chris Cooper raps) that is desultory, but amusing if only for its randomness.

If the thought of Cooper rapping alone makes you cringe, there are plenty of other highly original songs that will wash out that memory quickly. All the songs, most of which were written by Bret McKenzie (one half of the band/comedy duo, Flight Of The Conchords), are well-written. My favorite was "Life's A Happy Song. 

"Pictures In My Head", sung by Kermit, is also surprisingly touching, with Kermit's walking through a hallway of Muppet paintings adding to the sentiment. It could rank as the best Muppet movie song since "Together Again" from "The Muppets Take Manhattan" (1984). The aforementioned songs, and perhaps even "Life's a Happy Song", have strong possibilities to be nominated for Best Original Song at the upcoming Academy Awards.

With all these original tunes, it's a wonder why they wasted precious royalty money on the terrible Starship song "We Built This City". Alas, this is the chosen song the Muppets sing while renovating the Muppet theater. 

While the songs add heart to a movie that makes the term "franchise reboot" seem too myopic, the movie would not be worth watching if it was not funny. Fortunately, most of the Muppet gags are gut-bustingly hilarious. Some gags are self-referential with characters breaking the fourth wall without even have to look at the camera. Others are the zany gags you'd expect from seeing "The Muppet Show", but are clever and hilarious too.

While the trailers had their share of recent movie parodies, the film fortunately eases up on them. There's one reference to "Kill Bill", but it's slight and capricious. I also laughed at the 80's Robot.

All the classic Muppet characters make their mark in ways they haven't done since "The Muppet Christmas Carol" (1992), the last great Muppet movie. The few newer Muppets that are allocated screen time happen to shine, fortunately. Walter is a great new Muppet, and has a lot of heart of which the late Jim Henson would whole-heartedly approve.

Dozens of celebrity cameos abound here, but the film's strength is knowing who the real stars of the movie are and why we love them. I just hope younger audience members get the same message.

Gift Guide 2011: Etsy Edition

I love a gift guide.  And this year I thought I'd break mine up into small editions to keep things easier.  First up is Etsy. 

Where to start?  These picks came from countless hours of perusing blogs, magazines, and Etsy itself.  Most of my favorites are of the paper variety, but I tried to branch out a bit.  I am a fan of supporting independent businesses and craftspeople whenever possible.  You end up with unique, creative gifts while helping someone else live their dreams.  Hokey but accurate.

A milk & honey candle from Sweet Petula.  It's vegetable wax in a clean scent, and it will burn for 60+ hours in that snazzy frosted (reusable) glass.  $24

A linen-covered journal in awesome chevron stripes from Holli Zollinger.  And a kraft paper binding, naturally.  Let your recipient sketch, list, and doodle to their heart's content.   $12

A jar of chocolate spoon fudge from Nicole's Treats.  Handmade in a really nifty 4 oz. jar, with two mini spoons!  Nummy.  $9

A monogrammed porcelain tray from Jeanette Risco.  Customizable, 6.75" x 5.25", and just the right size for an array of finger sandwiches or your favorite cosmetics containers.  $31

A chevron jotter from Wit & Whistle.  I love a chevron.  Guilty.  At 3.5" by 5" and in sturdy kraft paper, it's perfect for marking down websites, coupon codes, blog ideas, etc. in an old-school way.  $5.75

A set of me & you pencils from Knot & Bow.  Now, aren't these sweet?  A veritable who's who of the great food pairings, along with a lil' sentiment for a best friend or a significant otre, to round out the set of six.  $12

(Note: I received permission from all sellers to use their images and to link to their Etsy stores.)