MOVIE NEWS!!

NEW MOVIES IN 2012!

-I'll Kill You, You Bastard! -Aging action star goes apeshit and kills a bunch of people who kidnapped and killed his daughter. Explosions, car chases, and the aging action star gets a few quips in, even.

-Who's She Gonna Fuck? - Rom/com where the adorably clumsy lead actress goes on a series of wacky dates to determine which one she's a-gonna fuck. (Spoiler alert: it's the guy in the poster) Yeah, her roommate is a gay man. Spoiler alert: the lead actress marries the guy in the movie poster at the movie's end and throws the bouquet. Her gay roommate catches it and attracts the flirtatious attention of an unlikable supporting character. He rolls his eyes in consternation at the audience!

-Zany PG-13 Comedy -C-list comedian stars as regular guy in improbable comic scenario. Hot Maxim magazine cover girl plays his improbable love interest. Lots of groin punches, pratfalls, and farting in this one. Perhaps the lead will eat fecal matter by mistake? There's probably an animal that pees and poops and masturbates, also. We made this and we don't know. Go and see.

-Action Adventure Based On Children's Toys, making, in essence, a two hour commercial that you pay money to see. We shit you not. Explosions, giant bridges and buildings collapse, hundreds of cars on a freeway go flying. From the producers of 'Meh' and the six guys who wrote, 'Ehh.' comes...'Guhhhh...'

-Franchise Picture 3: The Return of The Franchise -All your favorite characters are back! Well, except for that one guy who's agent got all uppity. Anyway, turns out there's a twist! One of the good guys is actually bad. Oooh! Guaranteed to have at least one explosion. Oh, fuck you. Like you've got anything else to fill your life with, you mindless sheep. It's Friday, you can't get a babysitter, take the damn kids to this. At least you won't have to talk to the little shit-bags for a couple of hours.

-Animated Kid's Cartoon. In 3D. It's for kids. We put some jokes in for the parents who take their kids to these things so they don't get too bored. We got a couple of real actors to do voices so the parents and man-babies who go to these things can go, "Hey, isn't that Jonah Hill playing the green thingy?", during the movie.

-Big Budget Comic Book Movie -Ooh, finally! Didn't think they'd ever get around to this one. Hey, why is that actor playing the lead superhero? He sucks! I'm going to register my contempt on the internet right after I get home! Didja know IMDB's 'trivia' section tells us that the render-farm of computers doing that one special effect took 18 months to make that one scene? Prediction: It takes a bath in the domestic market, breaks even in the foreign market, makes its profit in rentals.

-Biopic.-Contemporary actor plays idealized version of beloved classic celebrity. Details include: poor-but-humble beginnings, determined rise to top, personal tragedy, fall from grace, redemption. Last scene has 25 year old actor in old-man makeup sitting on his porch, contemplating his life's rich pageant. Gets nominated for Best Actor Oscar, doesn't win.

-Quirky Indie film. -Featuring: Bon Iver on the soundtrack, long, meditative shots of the poignantly decaying urban landscape. Probably a 'Manic Pixie Dream Girl' in this one! Oh, who are we kidding? None of you lumps are gonna see this one! Took a prize home at some film festival somewhere, as the trailer endlessly points out, anyways.

-Horror Film - Oh, don't go in there! No, don't go in there! Ah, she went in there! Now she's dead! Oh, I'm so scared! This movie is scary! Hey, why'd she go in there in the first place? The really clever bit is when 'fridge logic' kicks in about five minutes after you leave the theater.

-Oscar Bait -Goddammit, if we don't take the Oscar for Best Picture, I'm gonna burn this studio to the ground! Now get in there and get me an Oscar! Do you hear me, Respected British Stage Actors who are in this thing? Get me an Oscar! I want full retard! I want handicaps! I want abusive husbands! I want growing up covered in your parent's vomit in picturesque Dublin! Go! Go! Go!

-Eddie Murphy and/or Steve Martin comedy -It's kinda cute how they just keep trying, you know?

-Foreign Film -What the Hell is this? How am I supposed to keep up with the movie if I have to read the subtitles at the bottom? Fuck this, if I wanna read, I'll pick up a book. That one chick is hot, though. Maybe the internet has naked photos of her.

-Remake of Classic Film. -Oh, hey, they cast the original's lead actor as a supporting player! That's a neat bit of meta-commentary that's never happened before. #sarcasm. IMDB's 'Trivia' section says they spent five million in CGI editing out his expressions of shame and self-loathing.

-Reboot of Film made a decade ago. IMDB's 'Trivia' section tells us that when the studio approached the original lead actor to reprise his iconic role from ten years ago, he refused. His IMDB listing says he's working as a drywaller in San Bernadino, now.

-White Person Saves The Minorities. -White person shows up, saves the minorities. You're welcome, minorities! Now stop being so uppity! Fuckin' ingrates.

-Mickey Roarke Tries Again. -This is the one, folks! This time, for reals, Mickey is back to the top! Oh, wait. The movie came out and Roarke called it a 'piece of shit'. Well, maybe next time...

-Adaptation of Tween Novel -Meh. Hey, why are they casting a white teenage girl in the lead? Wasn't the main character in the original novel...Black? Ah, fuckit.

-And Yet Another Nicolas Cage Movie -The object lesson in Cage's fall from grace is that once you become a successful movie star, you tend to assume the money tap will never stop flowing. When it inevitably does, dropping millions of dollars on castles you've never visited, let alone lived in seems like a really bad move, in retrospect.

-George Clooney Drama - Clooney plays a man on the edge! When he finds out what the higher-ups have been to, it's up to him to blow the whistle! But it could mean he loses...everything...Also starring: Tilda Swinton as the icy lawyer, Phillip Seymour Thomas as Clooney's oily boss, and some hot chick as his wife/girlfriend. Directed by Stephen Soudeberg or somebody like that.

-I Lost a Bunch of Money Investing in Bernie Madoff's Ponzi Scheme, So Now I'm Stuck Doing These Crap-fests. -starring: Kevin Bacon, Kyra Sedgwick, John Malkovich. Also: Patrick Stewart, Ben Kingsley, and Michael Caine. (who didn't actually lose any money to Madoff, they just, you know, love money.)

Movie News:

Atlas Shrugged: Part 1 comes to DVD and Blu-Ray last month, albeit with a error: “Ayn Rand’s timeless novel of courage and self-sacrifice comes to life…”, incorrectly reads the copy on the back. This is obviously an egregious error of the utmost ineptitude and the producers apologize for the mistake. New covers will be sent to people who register via their web-site. The new copy should, of course, read, "The pointless, unwatchable, low-budget film version of Rand's bloating door-stopper has now, inexplicably been turned into an over-priced drink coaster. Don't hold your breath for parts 2 and 3, folks! By the way, thanks for your money, STUPID!"

Also out on DVD/Blu-ray this week:

-Adorably Quirky! This warm-hearted indie flick stars Michael Cera and Zooey Deschaniels as lovable misfits looking for love. Various reviewers have called it, 'Different', 'Offbeat', and 'Quirkily Adorable'. Some catchy indie-musicians on the soundtrack, though. (Now on Itunes!)

-'Punching, Shooting, and Brooding' In this British thriller, Jason Statham punches, Clive Owen shoots, and Daniel Craig broods.

-'Low Budget Sci-Fi Direct-to-Video Title Cunningly Titled So You'll Think It's A Video Release Of A Big-Budget Sci-Fi Movie That's Still In Theaters'

-'Low Budget Film With A Now-Major Star In It That They Did Before They Hit It Big So Now Their Face Is On The Cover Even Though They're In It For Only Five Minutes'

-'Overpriced Box Set Of Old T.V. Series That You'll Buy, Watch Maybe Three Episodes Of, Then Will Sit Gathering Dust For The Rest Of Eternity.'

-'Director's Cut' -Comes with five extra minutes of footage, commentary track with embittered director getting drunk and passive/aggressive during the course of the commentary.

-'25th Anniversary Edition' -$70 'limited edition' box set. Comes with Blu-ray, Dvd, and Digital Copy (Which is only valid until next week.) Also, extra disc full of pointless extras like forty-minute documentary on catering staff, and a 'collectible' gee-gaw that's broken once you've bought this and actually opened the box. Wait until next month, when they're selling this on Amazon for five bucks. The digital copy won't be valid anymore, and the collectible gee-gaw is missing, but hey. Five bucks.

-'Another Goddamned Adam Sandler Comedy' Fuck. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck. Also starring: Rob Schneider, David Spade, Nick Swanson, Farts, Bodily Fluids In Food And On Clothing And Hair, Product Placement, Fuck.

-'Dreamworks Animated Kids Film' -cover shows lead character displaying 'tude. And by 'tude, we mean, 'looks at viewer with smug expression and raised eyebrow. Starring: Overpriced Comedic Actor doing weird voice so you don't recognize him. Also starring: Indie/Alt-comedians known for their R-rated stand-up routines inexplicably doing voice-over work in a children's movie. Valuable life lessons are learned.

Holiday Previews: Yep, it's the movies that you've waited all year to see that have been hyped up this past year. You probably even saw these previews in the theater this summer before watching 'Green Lantern' and left thinking more about the trailers then the movie you just saw! This is the Oscar-bait, folks! Added bonus: Since they come out during the holidays, you can take your relatives that you only see during this time so it'll count for actually spending time with 'em! Enjoy!

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows: What I always liked about the 'Holmes' character is how he was such a hard-drinkin', hard-livin', hard-lovin' brawler in the original stories. Oh, he wasn't? Ah, well. Future rental.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo: It's kinda grim when you consider that director David Fincher has more talent on display when he's just 'phoning in' a film (like this one) than most other filmmakers have had in their entire careers.

The Muppet Movie: They're Baaaaaack! Ok, if I had to take a kid to a movie, this would be the one. That grinding sound you're hearing is Frank Oz's teeth.

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy: Gary Oldman's one of those actors who plays great villains, but meh heroes. But since I'm at the age now where I relate more to George Smiley than James Bond, it's worth a look, anyhoo. I think Smiley defeats one of the bad guys in this by making him a cup of tea to death...

Mission Impossible-Ghost Protocol: Tom Cruise does more running in this one. Hey, didja all notice that he runs like a girl! Really! After this and the upcoming 'San Francisco Fire' movie, Brad Bird slinks back to Pixar.

Hugo: I actually want to see this. Hence, no snarky comments. Well, here's one: I recall the original book being sold in stores as a 'graphic novel', being that it had illustrations in it like the original Alice in Wonderland. That's not a 'graphic novel', it's a 'book with illustrations'. Also: No ol' Squishy-face DiCaprio in this one, Marty? Augh! That was two snarky comments! Sorry, sorry.

The Adventures of Tintin: I don't have a good feeling about this one. Peter Jackson is an okay director, but he's never done a movie that I really liked. I think it'll tank for two reasons: People who are interested in Tintin aren't going to want to see this, (because it's not really a Tintin story) and people who don't know anything about Tintin aren't going to have any reason to want to see this. (The advertising emphasises the voice actors and the director and the producer, instead of the Tintin franchise. Never a good sign.) Back in the 60's, a couple of live-action Tintin movies were made in Europe, and they were outgrossed by Pippi Longstocking, if I'm not mistaken. The second reason is that the character design is like the one in 'Mars needs Mom's', which didn't outsell 'Theater closed for repairs' in ticket sales.

If I really had to think about why Herge's 'Tintin' comics are so popular, I'd say Tintin in and of himself isn't the reason. He doesn't have any distinguishing personality characteristics, he isn't particularly funny or witty, and he gets out of a lot of his perils in the comics by sheer luck. He's merely a reason to keep the story moving. All the supporting characters have basically one character trait to differentiate them from Tintin. (Captain Haddock is a surly drunk, Professor Calculus is hard of hearing and absent-minded, Thompson and Thomson are bumbling incompetents, etc.) And yet...

What Herge and his assistants gave us was a world that we could get utterly lost in. The world of Herge was clear, incredibly detailed, and looked a lot like the one we lived in, except for all that moral grey stuff. The villains were utterly, well, villainous, our friends and allies were absolutely with us, the perils were thrilling as well as being, well, perilous. It was a world that could only exist in the comics, and specifically, the comics of Herge. That, ultimately, is why I don't have high hopes for the movie.

We're at the stage in history where computer animation is taken as a given, so the novelty of rendering and animating these characters as realistically as possible has worn off long ago. I'd describe the style on display here as 'Realistic/Cartoony', where the art is taken as close as possible to the 'uncanny valley' as can be done. The thing is, movie goer's find this style off-putting. As evidenced in Robert Zemeckis' ill-fated 'Polar Express' and 'Beowulf'. I'm reminded of an old National Lampoon article where an illustrator rendered classic newspaper characters as realistically as possible with appropriately grim captions depicting their fate. (Popeye suffered from a grotesque case of the bends, Henry was born without a mouth, Little Orphan Annie had glaucoma, etc.) As a counter-example, I'll point to the style on display in 'Rango', which is 'Cartoony/Realistic'. The characters themselves are caricatures of lizards, birds, and the occasional person rendered in as 'real' a style as can be done within the parameters of the caricature.. Their animation, however, is highly stylized. This manages to circumvent the whole 'uncanny valley' issue in modern computer animation.

War Horse: Like every Spielberg film in the last two decades, it will have individual scenes of undeniable impact and power. Like every Spielberg film in the last two decades, it will be a case of the sum not being greater than the parts.

Alvin and The Chipmunks: Chip-wrecked: Fuck off. If I had to take a kid to a movie, and they really, REALLY wanted to see this one, I'd bribe them with a new video game console, instead.

Harold and Kumar's 3d Christmas: Fuck you. I'ma gonna see this. I'm probably gonna laugh. It's probably not going to be as good as the first one, in retrospect, but fuck you, nonetheless.