Why I Don't Play Dungeons and Dragons Anymore: A Short Film.
Cast: Brian, a skinny kid with glasses and an unruly mop of black hair.
Mark, a skinny kid with glasses and very bad acne.
Dean, a chubby kid with glasses
Kevin, an Asian kid with glasses
Mr. Pasternak, Dean's father
Two Police officers
Various background cast, some in pajamas and housecoats
THE SCENE FADES UP TO A SEMI-FURNISHED BASEMENT. THE FOUR YOUNG BOYS ARE GATHERED AROUND A CARD TABLE, ON WHICH VARIOUS ROLE-PLAYING BOOKS, PAPERS, DICE AND LEAD FIGURES ARE SPREAD OUT ON. A COUPLE OF BAGS OF CHIPS AND CHEETOS ARE WITHIN REACH, AS ARE SEVERAL BOTTLES OF SODA. DEAN HAS A LAPTOP IN FRONT OF HIM, WHICH HE IS CONCENTRATING ON AS THE SCENE FADES IN. THE SOUND FADES UP TO DIALOGUE:
Dean:
...okay, so finally you've gotten past the town guards and are in the-
Mark:
(interrupting) I still don't see why I couldn't smuggle a dagger through!
Dean:
You got searched by a third level mage! He would've detected your dagger, and he wouldn't let you into the town!
Kevin:
Right! Your barbarian was being a dick, as it was, Mark!
Mark:
(throwing up his hands) pffft! That baron had better give us weapons as well as a map to rob his rival!
Dean:
Well, first you guys gotta get to the tavern and find the baron's servant.
Brian:
(shuffling through a notebook) ...Right, right. What's the name of that bar-
Dean:
Tavern.
Brian:
-Tavern. Okay. Umm...(shuffles some more.) 'The Grinning Gryphon?' Okay, we look around for some signs or indication we can get to the tavern from here.
Dean:
Well, there's a signpost with a bunch of signs pointing in various directions to your left. Thing is, all the signs are written in Kaldash, the language around here.
Brian:
Okay...(cracks his knuckles) My Mage casts a first level 'translation' spell-
Dean:
Are you sure that's a good idea, Brian? The guard Mage told you guys the townspeople frown on strange magic users coming to their town?
Mark:
Hey, Dean?
Dean:
What, Mark?
Mark:
If this town is a major trading post, like you said, then wouldn't all the signs be in Common Tongue? I mean, It makes sense that if the townspeople want to be on a major trade route, wouldn't they try to be more accommodating to traders? Am I right? Guys?
Dean:
(sighs.) Well, Mark, the signs are what they are. Deal with it. Ok, Brian, make your roll.
Brian:
(rolls polyhedral dice) 87! I got it!
Dean:
Brian, you see one of the signs points to a tavern four blocks from here. Could be the 'grinning gryphon, could be another one. Do you guys wanna check it out?
Mark:
Hope someone speaks 'Common' at the bar!
Dean:
Tavern.
Mark:
Bar, Tavern, whatever.
Dean:
They don't have 'bars' in Medieval times, Mark.
Kevin:
So we're going to the ba-tavern, right, guys?
(MURMURS OF ASSENT FROM THE OTHER TWO PLAYERS.)
Dean:
So, after a few blocks, you come across what looks to be a tavern with a smiling griffin on the sign above.
Kevin:
(grabbing a handful of chips and munching on them.) Welp, this must be the place. Let's go in.
Mark:
Is there any writing on the sign?
Dean:
(shakes head) Doesn't need it.
Mark:
So there's no writing on the bar to tell people the name, and the signposts aren't written in Common, so we can't find the tavern unless we use a translation spell. Smart planning, dude.
Dean:
(sighs again) Mark, do you wanna argue with me or do you wanna find the Baron's contact? You guys are late enough as it is!
Brian:
Ok, so we go in and find a table. Is the bar crowded?
Dean:
Mmm...It's full but not too full. You guys can find a table, no hassle.
Kevin:
I get a beer!
Dean:
Well, hold on, Kevin. The serving wench hasn't shown up yet.
Mark:
Is she hot?
Dean:
Well, you'll have to get her attention-
Brian:
I wave in her direction.
Mark:
I shout, 'SERVICE US, SERVING WENCH!'
Kevin:
Nice one, Mark!
Mark:
Fuck you, Kevin. I want service-
Dean:
A couple of big guys are starting to head over to your table. They might be tavern bouncers.
Kevin:
Oooh, shit! I get up and try to calm 'em down. Do they speak Common?
Dean:
They do. But they demand a 'cover charge' to make up for your rude barbarian friend. Comes to ten gold pieces.
Mark:
What? That's extortion! I pull out my ax-
Dean: You can't, Mark. You left it at the guard house with your other weapons, remember? Doy!
Mark: Doy yourself, tons-o-fun!
Brian:
Guys, we gotta keep a low profile! Kevin, pay them off and apologize profusely! Mark, shut the fuck up!
Dean:
Make a roll, Kevin.
Kevin:
(rolls dice.) Er.. 63?
Dean:
They take your coins and head back behind the bar. Your party's caught everyone's attention in the bar.
Kevin, Mark, and Brian, altogether:
TAVERN!!
Dean:
Right, right. Jeez. Okay, so the wench finally comes over, and she doesn't look like she's in a good-
Mark: Is she hot?
Dean:
Well, she's not bad, looks like she's been around the block a few times, but-
Mark:
I wanna do her!
Brian, Kevin, and Dean:
NOW?
Mark:
Hell, yeahs! My barbarian's gots to get his freak on! Hah, hah, hah!
Kevin:
Mark, we gotta find the Baron's contact! We don't have time to-
Mark:
Hey, assmunch! I been following you guys around this whole time, doing what you want! I wanna do what I want to do, for a change!
Dean:
(shrugs) Ok, Mark, what do you say to her?
MARK GOES SILENT. HE STARTS TO BLUSH.
Mark:
(stammers)
Dean:
Jesus. Ok, Romeo, make a roll on your Charisma.
MARK ROLLS THE DICE.
Mark:
93! Yes! (pumps fists) I take her to the back room and-
Dean:
(chortles.) Whey-hey! Hold on there, Peter North! Your Charisma is only 8, which means you need a 95 to-
Mark:
WHAT? FUCK YOU, DEAN! YOU'RE CHEATING!
Dean:
Keep your voice down, Mark!
Brian:
Yeah, man. Jeez!
Mark:
AND FUCK YOU, BRIAN! I GOT AN '18' CHARISMA! I FUCK THE SERVING WENCH!
Dean:
Mark! Shut-the-hell-up! I got your stats on my computer here, and they say you got only an '8'! Remember when you rolled up this character, and you wanted an '18' on your strength, so I let you take points off your charisma to put on your strength!
Mark:
I took them off my constitution, Lard-ass!
Dean:
Let me see your character sheet!
Mark:
Jesus Christ, I don't believe this! I'm not giving you my sheet! Fuck you!
Brian:
(deftly passes a sheet by Mark to Dean) Here you go!
Mark:
GIMME THAT, YOU ASSHOLE!
Dean:
(picks up sheet and reads it.) Well, Mark... You put a '1' in front of your '8' for charisma...in a different pen color, no less, and you whited-out all your other stats and gave yourself '18's, '17's, in all your other stats. What the hell, man?
THE SOUND OF A DOOR OPENS, AND THE SILHOUETTE OF DEAN'S DAD APPEARS IN THE BACKGROUND.
Mr. Pasternak:
What the hell is going on down here? Dammit, boys, I told you to keep it down!
DEAN SLAPS HIS FOREHEAD AND GROANS. BRIAN AND KEVIN LOOK AT THEIR SHOES. MARK IS SEETHING. MR. PASTERNAK STARTS TO COME DOWN THE STAIRS.
Dean:
Sorry, Dad...
Mr. Pasternak:
Sorry isn't going to cut it this time, young man. You guys, this game is over. Good night, fellas-
Mark:
BUT THESE GUYS ARE CHEATING, MR. PASTERNAK! THEY WON'T LET ME FUCK THE-
Mr. Pasternak:
HEY!! YOU DON'T USE THAT KIND OF TALK IN MY HOUSE!! GET OUT, SON!
Dean:
You're the cheater, Mark!
THE SCENE CUTS TO THE FRONT OF A HOUSE ON A TYPICAL SUBURBAN STREET. BRIAN, KEVIN, AND MARK ARE BEING HERDED BY MR. PASTERNAK OUT TO THE CURB. MARK IS NEAR TEARS. BRIAN AND KEVIN ARE DEEPLY EMBARRASSED. DEAN IS NERVOU8LY SHUFFLING NEXT TO HIS FATHER, LOOKING AT THE GROUND.
Mr. Pasternak:
If you guys can't keep it down, and be respectful-
Mark:
(finally losing it as he stands on the curb, facing the others.) FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK! THESE GUYS AREN'T RESPECTING ME!! THEY WON'T LET ME FUCK THE WAITRESS, THEY WON'T LET ME KEEP MY AXE, THEY'RE PICKING ON ME ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME! YOU SUCK AS A DUNGEON MASTER, DEAN! I'M GONNA GET MY OWN GROUP AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE MORE FUCKING FUN THEN YOU EVER HAD! SO HA! YOU CUNT! (Mark is crying by the end of this tirade.)
Mr. Pasternak:
Kid, go home, or I'm calling the cops. (SOME LIGHTS ARE STARTING TO GO ON IN THE NEARBY HOUSES. SOME DOGS START BARKING IN THE BACKGROUND. SOME CONFUSED,SLEEPY VOICES MAY ALSO BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. "What's happening?" "Shut up!", that sort of thing.
Mark:
(sobbing and crying) IT'S-IT'S NOT FAIR!!! EVERYONE'S PICKING ON ME!! EVERYONE HATES ME!! I CHANGED MY CHARACTER SHEET SO I'D HAVE A CHANCE WITH YOU CHEATING COCKSUCKERS!! FUCK-FUCK-FUCK YOU ALL!! (Mark breaks down, sobbing.)
BACKGROUND SOUND IS NOW ANGRY NEIGHBORS YELLING THINGS LIKE, 'I'm calling the cops',' shut the hell up, already!', AND THE LIKE. THE DOGS BARKING HAS INCREASED. PERHAPS A CAR SIREN IS GOING OFF.
Mr. Pasternak: (exasperated.) Hell with it. I'm calling the cops. (He goes back inside.)
Dean:
(softly) I am so grounded.Cast: Brian, a skinny kid with glasses and an unruly mop of black hair.
Mark, a skinny kid with glasses and very bad acne.
Dean, a chubby kid with glasses
Kevin, an Asian kid with glasses
Mr. Pasternak, Dean's father
Two Police officers
Various background cast, some in pajamas and housecoats
THE SCENE FADES UP TO A SEMI-FURNISHED BASEMENT. THE FOUR YOUNG BOYS ARE GATHERED AROUND A CARD TABLE, ON WHICH VARIOUS ROLE-PLAYING BOOKS, PAPERS, DICE AND LEAD FIGURES ARE SPREAD OUT ON. A COUPLE OF BAGS OF CHIPS AND CHEETOS ARE WITHIN REACH, AS ARE SEVERAL BOTTLES OF SODA. DEAN HAS A LAPTOP IN FRONT OF HIM, WHICH HE IS CONCENTRATING ON AS THE SCENE FADES IN. THE SOUND FADES UP TO DIALOGUE:
Dean:
...okay, so finally you've gotten past the town guards and are in the-
Mark:
(interrupting) I still don't see why I couldn't smuggle a dagger through!
Dean:
You got searched by a third level mage! He would've detected your dagger, and he wouldn't let you into the town!
Kevin:
Right! Your barbarian was being a dick, as it was, Mark!
Mark:
(throwing up his hands) pffft! That baron had better give us weapons as well as a map to rob his rival!
Dean:
Well, first you guys gotta get to the tavern and find the baron's servant.
Brian:
(shuffling through a notebook) ...Right, right. What's the name of that bar-
Dean:
Tavern.
Brian:
-Tavern. Okay. Umm...(shuffles some more.) 'The Grinning Gryphon?' Okay, we look around for some signs or indication we can get to the tavern from here.
Dean:
Well, there's a signpost with a bunch of signs pointing in various directions to your left. Thing is, all the signs are written in Kaldash, the language around here.
Brian:
Okay...(cracks his knuckles) My Mage casts a first level 'translation' spell-
Dean:
Are you sure that's a good idea, Brian? The guard Mage told you guys the townspeople frown on strange magic users coming to their town?
Mark:
Hey, Dean?
Dean:
What, Mark?
Mark:
If this town is a major trading post, like you said, then wouldn't all the signs be in Common Tongue? I mean, It makes sense that if the townspeople want to be on a major trade route, wouldn't they try to be more accommodating to traders? Am I right? Guys?
Dean:
(sighs.) Well, Mark, the signs are what they are. Deal with it. Ok, Brian, make your roll.
Brian:
(rolls polyhedral dice) 87! I got it!
Dean:
Brian, you see one of the signs points to a tavern four blocks from here. Could be the 'grinning gryphon, could be another one. Do you guys wanna check it out?
Mark:
Hope someone speaks 'Common' at the bar!
Dean:
Tavern.
Mark:
Bar, Tavern, whatever.
Dean:
They don't have 'bars' in Medieval times, Mark.
Kevin:
So we're going to the ba-tavern, right, guys?
(MURMURS OF ASSENT FROM THE OTHER TWO PLAYERS.)
Dean:
So, after a few blocks, you come across what looks to be a tavern with a smiling griffin on the sign above.
Kevin:
(grabbing a handful of chips and munching on them.) Welp, this must be the place. Let's go in.
Mark:
Is there any writing on the sign?
Dean:
(shakes head) Doesn't need it.
Mark:
So there's no writing on the bar to tell people the name, and the signposts aren't written in Common, so we can't find the tavern unless we use a translation spell. Smart planning, dude.
Dean:
(sighs again) Mark, do you wanna argue with me or do you wanna find the Baron's contact? You guys are late enough as it is!
Brian:
Ok, so we go in and find a table. Is the bar crowded?
Dean:
Mmm...It's full but not too full. You guys can find a table, no hassle.
Kevin:
I get a beer!
Dean:
Well, hold on, Kevin. The serving wench hasn't shown up yet.
Mark:
Is she hot?
Dean:
Well, you'll have to get her attention-
Brian:
I wave in her direction.
Mark:
I shout, 'SERVICE US, SERVING WENCH!'
Kevin:
Nice one, Mark!
Mark:
Fuck you, Kevin. I want service-
Dean:
A couple of big guys are starting to head over to your table. They might be tavern bouncers.
Kevin:
Oooh, shit! I get up and try to calm 'em down. Do they speak Common?
Dean:
They do. But they demand a 'cover charge' to make up for your rude barbarian friend. Comes to ten gold pieces.
Mark:
What? That's extortion! I pull out my ax-
Dean: You can't, Mark. You left it at the guard house with your other weapons, remember? Doy!
Mark: Doy yourself, tons-o-fun!
Brian:
Guys, we gotta keep a low profile! Kevin, pay them off and apologize profusely! Mark, shut the fuck up!
Dean:
Make a roll, Kevin.
Kevin:
(rolls dice.) Er.. 63?
Dean:
They take your coins and head back behind the bar. Your party's caught everyone's attention in the bar.
Kevin, Mark, and Brian, altogether:
TAVERN!!
Dean:
Right, right. Jeez. Okay, so the wench finally comes over, and she doesn't look like she's in a good-
Mark: Is she hot?
Dean:
Well, she's not bad, looks like she's been around the block a few times, but-
Mark:
I wanna do her!
Brian, Kevin, and Dean:
NOW?
Mark:
Hell, yeahs! My barbarian's gots to get his freak on! Hah, hah, hah!
Kevin:
Mark, we gotta find the Baron's contact! We don't have time to-
Mark:
Hey, assmunch! I been following you guys around this whole time, doing what you want! I wanna do what I want to do, for a change!
Dean:
(shrugs) Ok, Mark, what do you say to her?
MARK GOES SILENT. HE STARTS TO BLUSH.
Mark:
(stammers)
Dean:
Jesus. Ok, Romeo, make a roll on your Charisma.
MARK ROLLS THE DICE.
Mark:
93! Yes! (pumps fists) I take her to the back room and-
Dean:
(chortles.) Whey-hey! Hold on there, Peter North! Your Charisma is only 8, which means you need a 95 to-
Mark:
WHAT? FUCK YOU, DEAN! YOU'RE CHEATING!
Dean:
Keep your voice down, Mark!
Brian:
Yeah, man. Jeez!
Mark:
AND FUCK YOU, BRIAN! I GOT AN '18' CHARISMA! I FUCK THE SERVING WENCH!
Dean:
Mark! Shut-the-hell-up! I got your stats on my computer here, and they say you got only an '8'! Remember when you rolled up this character, and you wanted an '18' on your strength, so I let you take points off your charisma to put on your strength!
Mark:
I took them off my constitution, Lard-ass!
Dean:
Let me see your character sheet!
Mark:
Jesus Christ, I don't believe this! I'm not giving you my sheet! Fuck you!
Brian:
(deftly passes a sheet by Mark to Dean) Here you go!
Mark:
GIMME THAT, YOU ASSHOLE!
Dean:
(picks up sheet and reads it.) Well, Mark... You put a '1' in front of your '8' for charisma...in a different pen color, no less, and you whited-out all your other stats and gave yourself '18's, '17's, in all your other stats. What the hell, man?
THE SOUND OF A DOOR OPENS, AND THE SILHOUETTE OF DEAN'S DAD APPEARS IN THE BACKGROUND.
Mr. Pasternak:
What the hell is going on down here? Dammit, boys, I told you to keep it down!
DEAN SLAPS HIS FOREHEAD AND GROANS. BRIAN AND KEVIN LOOK AT THEIR SHOES. MARK IS SEETHING. MR. PASTERNAK STARTS TO COME DOWN THE STAIRS.
Dean:
Sorry, Dad...
Mr. Pasternak:
Sorry isn't going to cut it this time, young man. You guys, this game is over. Good night, fellas-
Mark:
BUT THESE GUYS ARE CHEATING, MR. PASTERNAK! THEY WON'T LET ME FUCK THE-
Mr. Pasternak:
HEY!! YOU DON'T USE THAT KIND OF TALK IN MY HOUSE!! GET OUT, SON!
Dean:
You're the cheater, Mark!
THE SCENE CUTS TO THE FRONT OF A HOUSE ON A TYPICAL SUBURBAN STREET. BRIAN, KEVIN, AND MARK ARE BEING HERDED BY MR. PASTERNAK OUT TO THE CURB. MARK IS NEAR TEARS. BRIAN AND KEVIN ARE DEEPLY EMBARRASSED. DEAN IS NERVOU8LY SHUFFLING NEXT TO HIS FATHER, LOOKING AT THE GROUND.
Mr. Pasternak:
If you guys can't keep it down, and be respectful-
Mark:
(finally losing it as he stands on the curb, facing the others.) FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK! THESE GUYS AREN'T RESPECTING ME!! THEY WON'T LET ME FUCK THE WAITRESS, THEY WON'T LET ME KEEP MY AXE, THEY'RE PICKING ON ME ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME! YOU SUCK AS A DUNGEON MASTER, DEAN! I'M GONNA GET MY OWN GROUP AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE MORE FUCKING FUN THEN YOU EVER HAD! SO HA! YOU CUNT! (Mark is crying by the end of this tirade.)
Mr. Pasternak:
Kid, go home, or I'm calling the cops. (SOME LIGHTS ARE STARTING TO GO ON IN THE NEARBY HOUSES. SOME DOGS START BARKING IN THE BACKGROUND. SOME CONFUSED,SLEEPY VOICES MAY ALSO BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. "What's happening?" "Shut up!", that sort of thing.
Mark:
(sobbing and crying) IT'S-IT'S NOT FAIR!!! EVERYONE'S PICKING ON ME!! EVERYONE HATES ME!! I CHANGED MY CHARACTER SHEET SO I'D HAVE A CHANCE WITH YOU CHEATING COCKSUCKERS!! FUCK-FUCK-FUCK YOU ALL!! (Mark breaks down, sobbing.)
BACKGROUND SOUND IS NOW ANGRY NEIGHBORS YELLING THINGS LIKE, 'I'm calling the cops',' shut the hell up, already!', AND THE LIKE. THE DOGS BARKING HAS INCREASED. PERHAPS A CAR SIREN IS GOING OFF.
Mr. Pasternak: (exasperated.) Hell with it. I'm calling the cops. (He goes back inside.)
Dean:
Brian:
I don't believe this...
Kevin:
(putting his hands to his head) Incredible...
JUST THEN, SOME FLASHING LIGHTS APPEAR. A COP CAR PULLS UP ON THE STREET NEXT TO THE SOBBING MARK. TWO COPS GET OUT. THE OTHER BOYS LOOK EVEN MORE UNCOMFORTABLE.
Cop #1:
Is there a problem here, fellas? (cop #2 is kneeling next to Mark)
Mark:
(Suddenly springing up, startling cop#2) OH! OH! ARREST THEM, OFFICERS! THEY'RE CHEATERS! THEY'RE DISCRIMINATING AGAINST ME 'CAUSE I'M HALF ARMENIAN ON MY MOM'S-
Cop #1:
Whoa, calm down, son-
Mark:
(punches cop in shoulder) FUCK YOU, PIG!! DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!! THOSE COCKSUCKERS ARE GANGING UP ON ME! ARREST THEM!
COP #2 RESPONDS BY PULLING OUT SOME PEPPER SPRAY AND BLASTING MARK IN THE FACE WITH IT. MARK BENDS OVER, COUGHING AND SOBBING.
CUT TO: THE REMAINING THREE KIDS, OPEN-MOUTHED IN SHOCK.
CUT TO: MARK SWINGING WILDLY, SCREAMING INCOHERENTLY. COP #1 PULLS HIS BATON AND SMASHES MARK IN THE TEETH, KNOCKING A FEW OUT. MARK DROPS LIKE A SACK OF ACNE-SCARRED POTATOES. THE POLICE THEN LOAD HIM IN THE BACK OF THE SQUAD CAR AND DRIVE OFF.
CUT TO: THE THREE KIDS ON THE FRONT STEP, WATCHING THE COPS LEAVE.
Dean:
So, I, um, heard the community soccer league is signing up for the 13 to 16 year old league. You guys wanna play some soccer this summer?
Brian and Kevin:
Sure, yeah.
OVERLAY TITLE READS: 'THIS WAS BASED ON A TRUE STORY'.
FADE TO BLACK.
I don't believe this...
Kevin:
(putting his hands to his head) Incredible...
JUST THEN, SOME FLASHING LIGHTS APPEAR. A COP CAR PULLS UP ON THE STREET NEXT TO THE SOBBING MARK. TWO COPS GET OUT. THE OTHER BOYS LOOK EVEN MORE UNCOMFORTABLE.
Cop #1:
Is there a problem here, fellas? (cop #2 is kneeling next to Mark)
Mark:
(Suddenly springing up, startling cop#2) OH! OH! ARREST THEM, OFFICERS! THEY'RE CHEATERS! THEY'RE DISCRIMINATING AGAINST ME 'CAUSE I'M HALF ARMENIAN ON MY MOM'S-
Cop #1:
Whoa, calm down, son-
Mark:
(punches cop in shoulder) FUCK YOU, PIG!! DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!! THOSE COCKSUCKERS ARE GANGING UP ON ME! ARREST THEM!
COP #2 RESPONDS BY PULLING OUT SOME PEPPER SPRAY AND BLASTING MARK IN THE FACE WITH IT. MARK BENDS OVER, COUGHING AND SOBBING.
CUT TO: THE REMAINING THREE KIDS, OPEN-MOUTHED IN SHOCK.
CUT TO: MARK SWINGING WILDLY, SCREAMING INCOHERENTLY. COP #1 PULLS HIS BATON AND SMASHES MARK IN THE TEETH, KNOCKING A FEW OUT. MARK DROPS LIKE A SACK OF ACNE-SCARRED POTATOES. THE POLICE THEN LOAD HIM IN THE BACK OF THE SQUAD CAR AND DRIVE OFF.
CUT TO: THE THREE KIDS ON THE FRONT STEP, WATCHING THE COPS LEAVE.
Dean:
So, I, um, heard the community soccer league is signing up for the 13 to 16 year old league. You guys wanna play some soccer this summer?
Brian and Kevin:
Sure, yeah.
OVERLAY TITLE READS: 'THIS WAS BASED ON A TRUE STORY'.
FADE TO BLACK.
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