Just look for the Union Label...

As of midnight, last Monday, as of 12:01 am, the Writer's Guild of America voted to go on strike, effectively crippling the nation's talk-shows and reality t.v. programming. Here, as far as I can understand, is their specific beef:

The Internet's become a pervasive aspect of our culture, and movie and TV studios are increasingly turning to the Internet as a distributor of not just promotional content, but actual content, in and of itself. The Writer's guild is concerned that any revenue gained of the aforementioned content to the studios is not going to trickle its way down to them in the form of residuals. It's another version of the Writer's strike in '88, when writers got shafted on residuals owing to video-tape sales and rentals. In essence, the issue of non-payouts for DVD sales sort of punishes writers for doing work that turns out to be popular.

In practical terms, since George Meyer wrote for 'The Simpsons', and since the Simpson's DVD boxed sets have turned out to be major sellers, Meyer doesn't see a penny off the DVD sales. (Well, in his particular case, since he's also a producer, he might-I'm not sure- but you get what I'm saying.) Hence, the hypothetical writer is stuck trying to get more work so's they can put foccacia on the table. And they can't spend as much time as they'd like working on their scripts, as their deadlines pile up.

In terms of the Internet, well, if NBC wants to broadcast episodes of '30 Rock' over their website, any money they get from ad revenue on NBC's site isn't going to the writers. While any money that the writers receive from such an agreement wouldn't be all that much, it'd sure be better than no money at all, if you see what I mean.

Here's my solution: Let ME come up with new shows and movie ideas for you, Hollywood Producers! Since I'm not a member of
the Writer's Guild, I won't come pestering you-all for any money! All I ask is a simple 'tip o' the hat' to my genius-ness! Gentlemen: start your Blackberrys...

T.V. Shows:

The Businesswoman...And the Fag! - She's a successful high-powered attorney who's sharing her condo in Manhattan with a gay guy! Get this... He's not just any 'gay guy'! Nope, this'uns a five-alarm-queer-as-a-three-dollar-bill FAG! (in pink, bold-face lettering with flashing gold filigree!) A gay man so gay he makes Chris Crocker look like Sly Stallone! He shrieks, flaps his hands excitedly, jumps up and down on the furniture, steals money from the businesswoman's purse to buy meth, and blows Latinos right there in their living room while she's throwing a baby shower. She reacts by throwing down her briefcase, putting her fists on her hips, and silently fuming!

The Chimpanzee...and the Kitten! - Twenty-two minutes of a chimp in a cage with a kitten! How fucking cute is that, I ask you? Go ahead, try and out-cute it, I dare you! Go ahead, I'm waiting... Well? You can't, can you? Coo and marvel at the chimp's almost human-behavior as it picks up and pets the kitty! Aww! (Course, the chimp being a chimp, it may just as soon fuck the kitten and bite it's head off as cuddle it, but that's show business, innit?)

Attractive Women in Skimpy Bikinis With Perhaps a Sheen of Baby Oil Upon Their Bodies Suggestively Leaning Against Expensive Sports Cars. - Exactly what the title implies. The only question is, will it be a full hour, or just a half-hour?

Redneck White Trash Teens Do Stupid, Self-destructive Stuff.- Teenagers from 'Underprivileged' environments spit, cuss like sailors (bleeped for television), smack each other in the head with blunt objects, ride abandoned shopping carts off cliffs, set themselves aflame, devour cleaning products like they were Beluga Caviar, scream, punch their girl/boyfriends, drink cheap beer, vomit, and get pregnant. Gives the viewer a sense of moral superiority, or if the viewer themselves is a dimwitted redneck, some good hobby ideas to get them out of the house.

Who's My Daddy? - An adorable little child goes door-to-door trying to find his biological father. It's a comedy with a heart!

Scream, and Scream some More! - Kid's game show where the contestants try to out-shriek one another. Whomever screams the loudest and longest wins a prize! Kids at home can play along!

Ain't This Some Life? - Blue collar home-based sitcom where a moderately successful stand-up comic plays an average working joe we can all relate to married to an improbably attractive woman. They spend the first twenty minutes screeching cruel insults at each other in a tone of such vehemence and volume that a sane person would leave the room in tears. Occasionally, an aged relative or their children enter the set, and everybody begins berating and insulting one another. The twist is, in the final two minutes, sentimental music plays in the background and everyone tells everyone else that in spite of it all, they do truly care for one another!

What A Ride! - A ruggedly handsome fellow with a devil-may-care attitude and his goofy sidekick travel the highways and byways of this nation looking for adventures, lending a hand to folks along the way, and teaching their new friends (and learning!) some valuable life lessons. They're also both sexual deviants with a penchant for brutal anal rape.

Two Minute Hate - for the Fox network. Screen is just a picture of Osama Bin Laden with some dubbed dialogue overlaid. Viewers get to scream at their T.V. for the next two minutes. And next week, Hillary Clinton!

Army Man - Made in conjunction with the U.S. Armed Forces. Hour long infomercial exploring your career options in today's armed forces! Learn a valuable trade! Travel the world! Make new friends! Learn what it's like getting half your head blown away by a I.W.D.! Marvel at the technical skill of the surgeons at Walter Reed Hospital as they perform extensive surgery on your mangled features so your hideousness makes your loved ones only recoil and cry in horror instead of vomit! Rehabilitate yourself after months of hard work so you can grasp a fork, work a t.v. remote, drool discreetly, and sign your name legibly enough to the form that denies your disability claim!

Tomorrow... my free-of-charge movie ideas! (or 'springboards', as the Hollywood insider jargon puts it...)