End o' the Year List...

Aw, shoot. Seems I'm running out of time this year to comment on all the stuff I've seen, so I'll just hammer down and finish my list off, real quick-like...

Pirates of the Caribbean:The Black Pearl- Well, it started out as a ride at Disneyland, didn't it? No reason to ruin the ride for anyone, is there? What, you were expecting some subtext about Imperialism in the 19th century? Worth a rental, certainly...

Hannibal Rising by Thomas Harris - Boy, how the mighty have fallen. A writer who started out from the gate as among the top thriller novelists squanders his considerable skills on a run of the mill revenge thriller. Well, to be fair, cases of Chateau Y'queam don't exactly buy themselves, these days...

Click-Why Adam Sandler's overworked architect doesn't just hit the "pause" button on his literally-universal remote, get all his work done, hit "play", and spend more time with his family, is beyond me. (Besides the fact that otherwise there'd be no movie, that is...)

Cars-Everything I said earlier about "Howl's Moving Castle" by Studio Ghibli goes double for what I think about this movie. The live-action version, "Talladega Nights: The Legend of Bobby Ray" had a few chuckles...

Buddha by Osamu Tezuka-Now that it's out in cheaper paperback format, I have no excuse to not get volumes 3 to six. When you meet Carl Barks on the road, kill him.

Guitar Hero 2-or as I call it, "Kansas-Carry On My Wayward Son-simulator"; I kinda stopped trying to beat the other songs after this one. Actually, my brother got me the full guitar-and-game-disc set for Christmas, which means, since I also have 'Guitar Hero I', that I can now do GUITAR DUELS!! Hot Diggity!

Loco Roco for the PSP- Using the L and R tabs on the top of the PSP, you move a cute, singing yellow blob around a simple world. If your friends catch you playing this, they WILL call you a huge fag. They can fuck off, however, as this game is fun. And you know, the songs are kinda catchy...

The Ultimate Calvin And Hobbes Collection- An X-mas present from my sister. So now I am obliged to name my first kid after her. (She has a unisex name, so that shouldn't be a concern...) Three fat volumes in a wood case gives me all the C+H there is. What in the name of God could I possibly have to complain about in a collection like this? Well, you know me...

I would've liked to see a process of Waterson's technique, say from penciled roughs to full-sized watercolors, but given the reluctant tone of his foreword in the first volume, I suspect it was painful enough for him putting this together in the first place. Bitch, bitch, bitch, you say. Towards the end of the strip's run, the thirty-something Waterson started sounding like an elderly journeyman, sadly shaking his head at today's fallen level of standards. His protracted fight with the marketing people at the syndicate wore out his enthusiasm for the strip enough but at least when it ended, it was on his terms. I don't think we're ever going to see anything on this level of care and craftsmanship on today's funny pages. (Patrick McDonnell's MUTTS comes within the ballpark) but given the renaissance in 'art' comics, never say never...

Grand Theft Auto-Vice City Stories for the PSP-If the GTA franchise is a big fat German Chocolate cake with double chocolate filling, this is the leftover batter in the bowl.

Markosa Publishing presents: Done2Death by Andrew Foley and Fiona Staples-It's kind of a good thing this comic that drives a Hot Topic wooden stake through the 'Goth' subculture is small-time; If Andy and Fee were more high-profile, they'd be facing a Salman-Rushdie style jihad by every black-clad, pale, flabby, HIM-listening geek in North America...

World War Z: the zombie wars, by Max Brooks(son of Mel)-George Romero meets Studs Terkel.

Willams-Sonoma: The food of New Orleans (a cookbook)- Fuck you, I ain't no queer; I just like Southern cookin', is all...

Lost Girls by Alan Moore and Melinda Gebbie- Eeyeah, it's pornography, but I didn't beat off to it, in case you were wondering. (You weren't, were you?)

Downfall- German film depicting Hitler's final days. Now even Germans agree: Hitler was a jerk. Whether Mossolini did in fact, bite his 'weenie' so it did not 'work', is not a matter of public record.

El Topo by Jodrowsky-Yeah, 'shrooms are cool. I don't feel compelled to shoot a movie after eatin' them, though.

Aaaand I'm done. See you next year!

Same coin, different sides...

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip/30 Rock - So, Studio 60. It is well-written, it is intelligent, the characters relate. I find myself following the various threads in the show's plots and sub-plots. So why am I indifferent to it's inevitable cancellation? Because the way producer Aaron Sorkin portrays the behind-the-scenes at a fictional popular comedy show rings false every step of the way. In the latest episode, network owner Ed Asner reassures network exec Steven Weber that he, himself is willing to fight the FCC on a recent controversy involving their news division. (A soldier being interviewed by a imbedded newsman uttered an expletive on broadcast camera when their position was hit by an RPG. The FCC got complaints, the network is facing a hefty fine.) Steven Weber's character, Jack Rudolph, has offered his resignation as a sacrifice for the network. Ed's character, Wilson White, turns him down, pointing out, "Jack, This is the fight I've waited my whole life for!"

Now. You and I and everyone we know that the people who run a televison network are the most pusillaminous types that ever existed. Why the hell else has television been such a vast, retarded wasteland all these years? In the real world, Jack would be out before the FCC's first phone call was done. The most frustrating thing in watching 'Studio 60' is the way you know all the threads will work themselves out. I've seen enough of 'the West Wing' and 'Sportsnight' to know how producer Sorkin thinks. Let's see, the network bravely fends off the FCC, 'Studio 60' show producer Danny Tripp (Bradley Whitford) professes his love for newly pregnant studio president Jordan McDeere,(Amanda Peet) who,after some initial resistance, returns it,(during a live broadcast, no less) and visiting comic writing legend Andy Makinaw (Mark McKinney) stays on full-time after coming to grips with the death of his wife and daughter. Hell, that last part writes itself:

Matt (Danny's writing partner, played by Matthew Perry): C'mon, Andy. If it wasn't for you, the show wouldn't be knocking itself out of the park these last few episodes.

Andy: I-I dunno, Matt. That fire I had back in the day..It's getting harder and harder to light- Y'know...(he monologues) Sometimes I-I wake up in the middle of the night, and for a split second I think, Oh, thank God. Losing Kate and Andrea was just a bad dream. Then I'll look over at the empty side of the bed, and-and it'll all come back to me, y'know? How can I write about dumb jokes like Nicolas Cage's next job when my life keeps intruding? It all seems so..so..irrelevant.

Matt: Hey, man. (he reaches out to Andy, and rubs Andy's sholder in a friendly manner) This is where you belong. The show needs you. I need you. And you-(he points all around)-you need this.

Andy: I-I just...(his eyes moisten) I miss them, Matt. I miss them so much..(Matt pulls Andy to him, Andy softly weeping on Matt's shoulder. Matt looks a little uncomfortable, but soon comes back to that smug expression we all know and love...)

I wouldn't say I hated it. It's just that the characters in Sorkin's 'dramedies' function the same whether they're behind the scenes at a sports show, the White House, a sketch comedy, a Wells Fargo in nineteenth-century Wyoming, or a space station on the outskirts of Progtron 11x in the year 3030.

As for Tina Fey's show, '30 Rock', it's simply a standard sitcom. However, it's Fey's eye for detail and mood, as well as the aforementioned 'ring of truth' that makes it work. Plus, Fey's character, Liz Lemon, a nerotic single 30-something with no time for a personal life, is a nice antidote to the cute uber-women that you see all the time on T.V. these days. (including Amanda Peet.) I particularly like the dig '30 Rock' took at that standard trope in Sorkin's work, the characters following the camera around the set while they hash out their dillemas:

Liz: (after her and Kenneth, another writer, have been hashing out their problem with Tracy Jordan, their show's star) Um, where are you going? We've been walking in a circle?

Ken: Um, I was following you?

Liz: Well, I was following you!

Ken: Oh. Well, I was going that way. I'll see you later.

Prime Time Animation Special

As I've stated earlier, there are two types of prime-time animated TV shows. There's a) the Simpsons, and b) everything else. So, without further adieu, here's my take on em:

The Simpsons- I was there at the beginning, when it was that "life in hell' guy's hat into the fray of Fox television. At the time, Fox was apparently so desperate for content that they made the bumper scenes of one of the "Tracey Ullman show"(remember her? No?) into a full half hour series. It became incredibly popular right away, on account that there wasn't anything like it before on television. It was also very funny and maintained this standard for a long time. This was owing to the sensibilities of its actual father, an SNL and David Letterman graduate named George Meyer. (If you've ever used a Simpson's quote, he probably came up with the line.)

Over the years, it hasn't gone downhill as much as become the victim of inescapable inertia. In any extended narrative, sooner or later your audience is going to know all they can know about the characters, their story, and their setting, and they're just going to lose interest. It's closer to its end then its beginning; the inevitable simpsons movie is looming. The thing I wonder is, did it ever have a backlash? I recall in the first few years some people I knew were just dismissive of it, but those were the people who didn't watch television anyways. At this point, hating the Simpsons is like hating air. Or as Bart Simpson put it best: "What's wrong with television? It gives us so much and asks of us so little?"

Venture Brothers- Currently my favorite animated show. Season 2 gives us answers to questions that were brought up in season 1 (How can the Venture boys, so naive and accident-prone, survive in their father's world? Who are Dean and Hank's mom, anyway?) and answers to questions we didn't have. F'r instance, how low will Rusty go to line his pockets? (He's running about neck and neck with Eric Cartman.) How much of a schmuck is Dr. Orpheus? (Pretty big a schmuck, really.) Is any cow of classic Saturday morning cartoons sacred? (Nope.) Will Dr. Girlfriend ever find true love? (ha-ha.) It leaves us on a cliffhanger both genuine and anti-climactic. (Is Dr.Girlfriend-well, Dr. Mrs. Monarch, now, actually-carrying Phantom Limb's child?) Oh, by the way, in case you were wondering about those earlier questions... 1) They can't. They're clones. and 2) Brock's predecessor.

South Park- Honestly, I've said all I need to say about South Park in an earlier post. With the finish of season ten, two points I made need to be reinterated: When Parker and Stone have a Libertarian axe to grind, the show suffers. Also, the season's best moments have the kids just being kids.

Futurama- Matt Groning's baby. It took me a while to get into it. My problem was the same as everyone else's. The show looked enough like 'The Simpsons' that you thought you were getting "The Simpsons in the Future", which clearly wasn't the case. Once I came on board, the Fox network in its infinite wisdom passively-aggressively moved it from time slot to time slot so the dropping rating would get it cancelled. I understand that it's been picked up again, but the post-cancellation 'family guy' fiasco leaves me a little skeptical.

Sealab 2021- Adult Swim wiseacres took a forgettable Alex Toth-designed adventure series from the early 70's, and with the judicious use of Flash animation, turned it into a goof fest. Unfortunately, one of the lead cast members, Harry Goz, passed away in 2003. Since then, the show came to a screeching halt. I'd recommend renting seasons 1 to 3, and passing on anything afterwards.

Beavis and Butthead/King of the Hill- A conspiracy-minded individual might think that Mike Judge was being deliberately surpressed by the Powers That Be. Office Space was one of the sharpest satires of the American workplace that I've ever seen, only trumped by the British t.v. series, The Office. The studio involved in its production, however, seemed bound and determined to drop it down a black hole. His last film, Idiocrasy, looks to suffer the same fate. Did Beavis and Butthead piss off that many people in high places? As for King of the Hill, it's more likely to bring a wry smile to my face than outright laughs. I should point out that Judge's take on suburban American values is dead on.

Family Guy/American Dad- When Seth McFarlane came up with 'Family Guy', it was dismissed by most people (myself included) as a lame Simpsons ripoff. After I broke down and starting watching it, It occurred to me that it really wasn't that bad for the first three seasons. One advantage McFarlane had over 'The Simpsons' is that he's not required to have his characters act in an ethical manner to reassure an audience. If hypothetically, Peter Griffin, the head of the Griffin clan in "Family Guy" were to have an affair with another woman, it wouldn't be as much of a shocker if say, Marge was to cheat on Homer. Mainly because 'Family Guy' is as indifferent to its characters' inner worlds as 'The Simpsons' is conscious of its characters' inner worlds.

However, one of the reasons the Simpsons is so popular is that it's world view is meant to reassure the viewers as well as entertain them. With 'Family guy', however, the sitcom family setup is just a framework to hang jokes on. If 'Family Guy's' writers thought about the implications of their setup, the show would become like one of HBO's 'prestige' series, like 'The Sopranos'. Think about this: Brian, the family dog, is witty, articulate, and yearning for a better living situation then he has now. As a result, he turns to alcohol to numb his feelings. Meg, the daughter, is anxious to be accepted by her peer group, but realizes that she has no personality characteristics that make her stand out. Stewie, the super-genius toddler is a latent homosexual. Once you start to delve into the deeper implications of these characters, you realize that depression, homosexuality and alcoholism aren't exactly grounds for broad comedy, which is what 'Family Guy' is supposed to be. A braver and more skilled person than McFarlane could mine these situations for laughs, but you couldn't get something like that on the FOX network. (Maybe the Edward Albee or Tennesee Williams network, perhaps?..)

And after their resurrection after season 3, the writing got even slacker than before. The 'manatee' gag is a symptom of this malaise. Here's an example: One of the pre-cancellation shows had as a plot Meg's attempt to be a 'flag girl' (sort of a sub-cheerleader) on her school's football team. During her first show, some popular teens bombarded the flag girls with raw meat. Later, during family dinner, Stewie serves her some dinner,"in the manner to which you're accustomed", by flinging meat in her face. Upset, Meg runs off crying. Stewie than says, "Come talk to me when you want to learn what cool really is..", then the scene changes to one of Stewie in a tuxedo, sitting on a stool, smoking a cigarette. (He's doing a recital of Elton John's 'rocket man' in the style of William Shatner's performance of it during a science-fiction awards ceremony in the early 80's.) As cruel as I've made it sound here, It's a pretty funny bit all by itself, but if you get the reference to the Shatner bit, it's funnier. It takes the show into a weird left turn, but it still references the plot.

Not so, once season 4 starts up. You could sum up the plot in a short sentence (Brian goes on a date) with the 'manatee' gags stopping the show dead in its tracks. Every gag can be summed up thusly:THIS EVENT THAT I AM FACED WITH IS MORE AWKWARD THEN THE TIME I DID THAT RANDOM EVENT IN THE PAST THAT HAS NO CONNECTION TO MY CHARACTER OR THE STORYLINE OF THIS SHOW WHATSOEVER. OH, AND IF WE CAN STICK A REFERENCE TO 80'S POP CULTURE IN THIS FLASHBACK, THE MORE OBSCURE THE BETTER, SO BE IT. At this point it smacks more of lazy writers than a t.v. show staking its own ground. I suspect that at this point in his career, Seth McFarlane views 'Family Guy' as more of an albatross hanging around his neck than the cornerstone of his professional life.

As proof, I'd point to 'American Dad', which is what McFarlane was working on when 'Family Guy' got cancelled.It's slightly better written, leaving me to suspect that 'Family Guy' is the recipient of any leftover gags that didn't make 'American Dad'. It has 'Family Guy's' improbable cast members: Where 'Family Guy' has the urbane dog and the evil-genius baby, 'American Dad' has the effeminate space alien and the Germanic pet fish. Thing is, once McFarlane came up with them, he didn't give them anything to do, making them largely redundant.

Boondocks- It's a good thing Aaron McGruder is himself black; any cracker coming up with shit this stupid would've got dragged out of his studio by the scruff of his redneck by Jesse Jackson and rightfully tarred and feathered.

Korgoth the Barbarian-This is, in animated form, the barbarian in a post-apocolyptic wasteland comic me and my friends drew in high school. (If you're under twenty-five and reading this, you and your friends probably drew manga crap. You're missing out, my young friend...) And unlike my efforts, it is awesome. When Korgoth (voice of Deidrich Bader from the Drew Carey show, perfect in every way) rips the skin from an aggressor by his pony-tail, throws alcohol on the exposed flesh, then sets it on fire, I howled like a baboon. And so will you. My only concern is that Adult Swim is still on the fence about it's existence as a series. C'mon, Adult Swim! This could be the greatest moment in your lives! What are you, homos? Fuck... If you'll excuse me, I'm now going to put on my jean jacket with my "Iron Maiden" logo sewn on, hop into my Mustang, blast classic "Led Zep" on my ipod and head to the nearest high school parking lot, smoking DuMaurier cigs and looking cool.

Metalocolypse, 12 oz. Mouse, Tom Goes to the Mayor- Kind of an act of aggression against an audience. If we make these shows unfunny, that's funny, right? You get the impression the mindset behind these is like a teenager forced to do a tedious chore around the house. "If I do a bad enough job on this, they'll never ask me to do it again!" Sure showed me, anyways.

Ren and Stimpy: the Lost Years-Series creator John Kricfalusi's constant harping against studio interference with his work has made him a pariah in the animation industry. And not without good reason. When Spike TV brought him on board, their order of 'Do what Thou Wilt' gave him what he wanted all along. Trouble is, John K. can't tell a story to save his life. And imagine the face of the t.v. exec who greenlit him. "It's crap, it's late, and it's over budget? Oh, this was a GOOD idea!" At this point in his career, any producer who considers dealing with him is going to see him as a bigger liability than an asset. All he's managed to do in his professional life is prove to t.v. execs that keeping creative control in their hands was the right thing to do all along...

Robot Chicken- Stop-motion blackout gags using action figures ("For the last time, they are not DOLLS!") as cast members. It's at it's best when it uses the actual B and C-list celebrities to comment on their own status quo. Creators Seth Green and Matthew Senrich keep the pace short and fast. Which is good, since the skits that go over a few minutes get really tedious. I understand that Senrich was responsible for those 'action figure photo-funnies' you'd see in Wizard magazine. Which was the only good part of that particular waste of trees.

SNL TV Funhouse- To me, Robert Smiegel, the creator of 'TV Funhouse' is one of the sharpest minds working in comedy today. He operates by way of a mental judo; he uses corporate entertainment's thoughtless use of catchphrases and hype against it that in a precise way that is fresh and startling. His 'Triumph the Insult Comic Dog' took the piss against such worthy targets as Bon Jovi and 'Star Wars' geeks.

In 'TV Funhouse', he uses the idioms of hacked-out commercial fare to comment on the way entertainment conglomorates force crap down our throats. The throwaway shorts like "The Ambiguously Gay Duo" and "Shazang" are pretty good, too. I'd like to take a moment, however, to highlight a couple of his masterpieces, "Behind the Disney Vault" and "Conspiracy Theory Rock".

"Conspiracy Theory Rock" uses the framework of those old "Schoolhouse Rock" cartoons to depict the connection General Electric and NBC have, and how G.E. exerts pressure on NBC to serve its own interests, contrary to the public good as they are. The thing is, this is the type of information you can get from the Nexus/Lexus database, and not from some nutbag with a website. Not surprisingly, the cartoon is abruptly cut off two-thirds of the way in...

"Behind the Disney Vault" turns around the skeevy stunt Disney pulls when it releases its classic films for a short while, then 'throws them into the Disney vault forever' or at least until Disney releases a new 'special-SPECIAL edition' four months later. Mickey takes two kids into the Disney vault, where they discover that Walt Disney not only froze his own head, but that of Vivian Leigh. (She was already dead!!) Plans for Disney's Civil War theme park (this is true, by the way...) and a bound and gagged Jim Henson (He wouldn't sell!) are also revealed. And of course, the version of "Song of the South" that Jew-hating, HUAC- ass-kissing, union-busting Unca Disney played at parties...(Zip-a-dee-doo-dah! Zip-a-dee-ay! Negros are inferior in every way...)

Four for Wednesday

Superman Returns- Seems more like the sequel to an earlier Superman movie starring Brandon Routh than, you know, a real movie. He's a little too, er, 'pretty' to make an effective Superman, too. Since we're dropped in the middle of the whole story, it's up to us to play catch-up. Superman's speech about 'the father becomes the son' rings hollow, since the whole movie is dependent on us all developing a deep emotional bond with the characters. The trouble is, since these are all new interpretations of the Superman icons, we don't have any chance to develop the connection we need with the characters. Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor is pretty cool, though. Nobody does passive-aggression and the 'slow burn' in the way he does it. That final scene with him and his gun moll seems more like a bit of business thrown in to please a focus group. Also, the aforementioned gun moll's second thoughts about Luthor's plans doesn't go anywhere, does it? In the original, we at least had Valerie Perrine save Superman's bacon then pleading, "My mom lives in Hackensack"...

That's My Bush-Trey Parker and Matt Stone's homage to cheeseball 80' sitcoms. In watching it's faithful replication of those old sitcom plot chestnuts,(hero has to be in two places at the same time, hero has to get a new job, opposing characters are trapped together to resolve their differences, etc.) I'm reminded of the movie, "Permanent Midnight", starring Ben Stiller. It's based on a true story by a sitcom writer(Jerry Stahl) and his struggle with heroin addiction. I've never seen that movie, but something had occurred to me. Here you have a person stuck in the depths of a grim drug abuse problem which, from all accounts will destroy not just your life, but your personality. Your existence will consist of A) stealing,lying, robbing and selling your body to obtain money to purchase heroin with. B) finding a dealer who is 'holding' and getting the junk. C) shooting up and having a very brief window of respite from the pain and misery your junkie lifestyle has become before cycling back to A. Above.

Now, in "Permanent Midnight", the Stahl character does all this and STILL manages to crank out scripts for "Alf","thirtysomething", and "Moonlighting". Doesn't that tell you all something about the level of standards in television script-writing? As for "That's my Bush", it's funny, but I suspect the premise ran dry about the time they came up with the last episode. Which is fortunate, since 9/11 happened about this time in history, which would put Parker, Stone, and Comedy Central in an awkward position, to say the least.

Casino Royale-Blonde. James Blonde. A reimagining of the Bond franchise, and not a moment too soon, I'd say. Honestly, if they kept going the way they were, Brosnan would've had to fly to Mars without a spacesuit and shoot laser beams from his eyes. In casting Daniel Craig, they've found a Bond closer to the one depicted in Ian Fleming's books ('a face like Hoagy Carmichael') than any of the blandly handsome fellows of the last two decades. Not that Brosnan and Dalton stunk, mind you, but they seemed more like 'placemarker' Bonds than the real deal. Plus, the scripts haven't been this down to earth since From Russia with Love. (If you haven't guessed by now, I'm a Connery-as-Bond kinda guy.) I'll give Craig his day in court, but I'll hold off final judgment on him 'til the next film. Hope they don't re-do 'Dr. No'.

Brick- Film Noir shot as indie film teen drama. It's closer in tone to 'Bugsy Malone' then 'River's Edge'. The thing is, the way it's shot seems more like a conceit than an actual working premise. Two things about the classic Noir drama one must keep in mind: The plot needs a 'gotcha' at the end to tie all the loose threads together("You're good, sweetheart, Real good. But you forgot that in playin' everyone else, ya also played yerself...") and secondly, we need to feel a genuine connection to the characters. There's a reference to an earlier case the protagonist handled on behalf of the 'authorities'(in this case, the school principal) which hints at some lost innocence in him.("I gave you Jerr to see him eaten, not to see you fed.") but the whole story seems more like an exercise by a high-school drama club as opposed to a real story where there's something at stake.

Top Ten List, Number Four...

Silence of the Lambs- Now, honestly. You can't tell me at some point in your life you haven't seen a friend or co-worker putting some kind of emollient on his or her skin and not said, "It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again!" (And if that person has your sensibilities, they of course responded, "Put the lotion in the fuckin' baaaasket!") Jonathan Demme takes Robert Harris' tightly woven mix of detective procedural and character-driven suspense thriller to give us a movie which deservedly swept the 1991 Oscars.

So, consider the character of Clarice Starling.(Played by the very capable Jodie Foster) When we first meet her, she's unglamourously running through an FBI trainee obstacle field. She's summoned to meet the FBI head of Behavioral Science, Jack Crawford.(Scott Glenn) Note how on the way to meet Crawford, Demme sticks Starling in an elevator surrounded by several male FBI trainees, all dwarfing her. Later on, in a scene set in a rural southern funeral home, she's surrounded by the hostile presence of a crowd of rural policemen. Usually, in thrillers with a female protagonist, she's always given a husband or boyfriend to act as the stable force in her life. (and, y'know, save her bacon in the film's third act...) In Starling's case, Crawford is as likely to use her up as a military captain sending troops to take an enemy hill. While he's a mentor of sorts, Crawford is not the asset Starling uses to track down the killer of young women, Buffalo Bill.(Ted Levine,in a creepy performance) That role goes to a most unlikely candidate...

Hannibal Lecter. He's become a pop icon of malevolence right up there with Dr. Mabuse or Baron Corvo. Lecter made an appearance in Harris' earlier book, 'Red Dragon' (filmed by Michael Mann as Manhunter, and the inferior remake by Brett Ratner.) In 'Red Dragon', Lecter's 'help' caused the protagonist permanent mental, and physical damage. He aids Starling in her search, mainly to show off his considerable intellect, partially to open a door to escape, partially to engage in causing more suffering...and because this monster may be attracted to Starling. Her meetings with him are like watching a feeder bird in a crocodile's mouth.

Hannibal Lecter: I will listen now. After your father's murder, you were orphaned. You were ten years old. You went to live with cousins on a sheep and horse ranch in Montana. And...?

Clarice Starling: [tears begin forming in her eyes] And one morning, I just ran away.

Hannibal Lecter: No "just", Clarice. What set you off? You started at what time?

Clarice Starling: Early, still dark.

Hannibal Lecter: Then something woke you, didn't it? Was it a dream? What was it?

Clarice Starling: I heard a strange noise.

Hannibal Lecter: What was it?

Clarice Starling: It was... screaming. Some kind of screaming, like a child's voice.

Hannibal Lecter: What did you do?

Clarice Starling: I went downstairs, outside. I crept up into the barn. I was so scared to look inside, but I had to.

Hannibal Lecter: And what did you see, Clarice? What did you see?

Clarice Starling: Lambs. The lambs were screaming.

Hannibal Lecter: They were slaughtering the spring lambs?

Clarice Starling: And they were screaming.

Hannibal Lecter: And you ran away?

Clarice Starling: No. First I tried to free them. I... I opened the gate to their pen, but they wouldn't run. They just stood there, confused. They wouldn't run.

Hannibal Lecter: But you could and you did, didn't you?

Clarice Starling: Yes. I took one lamb, and I ran away as fast as I could.

Hannibal Lecter: Where were you going, Clarice?

Clarice Starling: I don't know. I didn't have any food, any water and it was very cold, very cold. I thought, I thought if I could save just one, but... he was so heavy. So heavy. I didn't get more than a few miles when the sheriff's car picked me up. The rancher was so angry he sent me to live at the Lutheran orphanage in Bozeman. I never saw the ranch again.

Hannibal Lecter: What became of your lamb, Clarice?

What impresses me about Starling is her sheer tenacity. It impresses Crawford enough to keep her on the 'Buffalo Bill' case and Lecter is impressed by her to aid her indirectly. (She stands her ground when another inmate at the asylum where Lecter is housed flings his 'baby-batter' at her-EWWWWW!! and Lecter changes his earlier sneering opinion of her.) In Starling's dealings with Lecter, she gains his help by sharing her deep personal traumas with him, knowing his capacity for cruelty on a whim, knowingly offering him her throat. (There's a sample of this when the bound Lecter, facing the kidnap victim's mother, monstrously taunts her anxiety...)

Demme and his cinematographer, Tak Fujimoto, keep the movie shot low-key,like under a cloudy day, de-glamorizing the sets. Check out, also, how canny Demme has most of the other characters when talking to Starling, talking AT the viewer, placing us in the centre of the tension. It's one hell of a departure from his earlier, sweet-natured polychromatic films like "Married to the Mob" and "Something Wild".

My Brush With Fame...(Sorta...)

So, Wednesday I was walking from my place to the supermarket to do some shoppin', as you do. A film crew had set up some craft and talent trailers in front of my apartment for a single day of shooting. They were doing a scene in a nearby record store meant to double as a place in Denver or something. Calgary is nothing if not outstanding in its sheer generic quality of cityscape. I mean, if you had to be placed in a Witness Protection program, I'd suggest Calgary. It's literally the last place on the planet anyone who wanted to 'whack' you would look. Don't get me wrong, I love this place. It's just that I've seen so many 'made-for-tv' type movie productions set up in downtown Calgary, I've taken it as just par for the course. Anyways, back to my story...

Passing by the trailers, I heard a girl's voice that sounded an awful lot like "Meg" from "Family Guy".

"Excuse me, you gotta light?"

"Um, sure.", I suavely said, reaching into my back pocket for my Zippo like James Bond would, if he had a back pocket. Checking the girl out. Dark, curly hair, slightly Slavic features, about five two, five three. Amazing pale grey-blue eyes. Dressed for Canadian winter. Nearby, an Andy-Dick-resembling P.A. had what I assumed was her pug-dog on a leash. I realized then I hadn't had a smoke since I got home from work, and didn't have any on me.

"Er, Here ya go, eh, you gotta smoke on you?" Real smooth and James Mason-like, Tom.

"Sure, that's a fair trade, smoke for a light. Hang on.", she perked, hopping into her trailer, then hopping out again.

"It's American, if that's alright."

"Hey, fine with me."

She proffered a smoke to me while using my Zippo to light hers. Gee, she was pretty, in a Jackie-from-That-70's-Show kinda way.

"Thanks, here's your lighter."

"You're welcome, have a good 'un." And so I continued to the store, lost in thought about the movie industry while she fussed over her pug-dog. Man, that girl was nice. And cute. I guess aspiring actresses 'nic-out' like everyone else. That girl kinda looked like Mila Kunis. Prettier, though.

Didn't think much of it 'til I got to work that evening, flipped through the paper before my shift started...

The Hell? What's THIS article?

"...and shooting in town, SOME RANDOM ACTOR GINK in "Straight-Edge" also starring MILA KUNIS?..."

Holy shit! I bummed a smoke off MILA KUNIS? MEG? Man, if I had known, Id've become Gibbering Starstruck Fanboy then and there! Can I take your picture, Miss Kunis? No one's gonna believe I met "Meg" from "Family Guy"! Why'd you do "American Psycho 2: Electric Boogaloo?" What's Macaulay Culkin got that I don't, anyways? Seth McFarland should give 'Meg' more to do in "Family Guy", dammit! Shee...

Mila Kunis smokes Parliaments. They taste terrible.

Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan

(Forward: I've been selected to host a review/response to the "Borat" movie by the Deputy Minister of Cultural Affairs in Kazakhstan, a fellow by the name of Gennedy Y. Yaktusk. Hence, my interruption of my Top Ten Movies list. Enjoy...)

Hello to all North Americans, and Alaska, too! I am Gennedy Y. Yaktusk, Head Deputy Minister of Cultural Affairs based in the very fine (and cosmopolitan!) city of Alma-ata! I hope you are doing fine, and cordially invite you all to visit our splendid homeland! This unfortunate movie starring Sascha Jew Baron Cohen, has perhaps perpetuated many vile stereotypes of my proud country. I, of course, realize it is humorous satire, and were Jew Cohen's repellent television anchorman based in say, Ashkhabad or Tashkent, I would not, how you say, "be batting an eyelid". But he presents a racist, hairy stereotype of Eastern Europe as backward, ill-bred, and overly sexyful. Such is not the case, I most hurriedly assure you! The Jew Baron Cohen displays beloved Kazakhstan as anal opening of a country with dirt, straw, in-breeding, and keeping of billy-goats on straw roofs. I chuckle in condescending manner to think of Kazakhstan being portrayed in such an ill manner.

Were you, gentle viewer, to come to visit lovely Alma-ata in the spring, you would gape and slap your forehead in astonishment! Here you will feel you are in bustling major Western city, like Berlin or London or Saskatoon! Here you see paved roads and amber streetlights in fine working order! And upon our streets you will find the young peoples with their Ipods listening to "The Jets" and "The Franz Ferdinand" while "getting down" upon the sidewalk (clear of feces, I hasten to add) with their "fresh" Nike-brand trainers. We host many Western companies here, providing cheap, industrious labour to make your Xboxes and Adidas to be enjoyed by even Negros! I, myself, am proud owner of 2001 Ford Escort with Blaupunkt stereo. So, you see, Jew Baron Cohen and director Larry Charlestein's cheap shots at small but proud Kazakhstan fail like Lesotho football club into FIFA series!

Jew Baron Cohen portrays idiot newsperson to America with fat hairy mutant producer to learn "America" from "Jew York City". This is foolish on face of it. Perhaps, if Jew Cohen stop to think of it, would not Kazakhstan have good "vibe" with America owing to our plethora of Satellite T.V.? Perhaps, in fairness, would Vice-President Richard Cheney be coming to Alma-ata to witness our modern, progressive state? (an aside: there is no "Running of the Jew" festival anywhere in Kazakhstan, on account of the last Jew report was back in 1942. Foolish.) Suddenly, he is taken by image of prominent she-male, Tommy-Lee Anderson, mistakes him for a woman, falls in love, and lies to his producer to pursue unnatural relationship with Lee-Anderson transsexual in Los Angeles.

Along the way, Borat (Jew Cohen) encounters many examples of America, where he takes cheap shots at gun owners, etiquette teachers, rodeo owners, and antique store owners. Maybe America should be protesting "Borat", instead, eh? I note with disgust the scene where Jew Cohen and fat mutant hairy producer get into "Royale Battle" in their apartment, and roll about in homo-erotic display of fat, hairy, sweaty display of hairy, fatty, fatness. I still shudder at widescreen hairy man-buttocks being offered for my supposed amusement. Finally, he is arrived in Los Angeles, and tries to "kidnap" Tommy-Lee Anderson, with expected results. He does, however, find true love with American Negro prostitute, whom he marries and takes back to homeland.

This type of humor, I am to admit, is 'hit and miss'. A sequence with White Peoples dinner club seems unnecessarily cruel, since the people who are the "joke's butt" are guilty of nothing more than your famous "Southern Hospitality." (Silly Jew Cohen! In Kazakhstan, we have much knowledge of flush toilet in which to deposit feces! Also, is proper etiquette to procure Negro prostitute after dessert!) It is one thing to mock the pompous and ignorant, like racist rodeo owner and drunken fraternity-boys who bemoan end of slavery. It is quite another to humiliate people over their need to be friendly and accommodating. Ultimately, the laughs are low indeed. Almost as low, say, as someone impersonating the fractured-English style writing of an non-native English speaker in order to review a movie.

Thank you, and good day! God Bless Kazakhstan!

(Afterword: Turns out this 'Gennedy' guy is a hoax. He tried to hook me on one of those "Nigerian 409" scams, later on. As for what I thought of "Borat", Boy, was it mean, but I laughed like an idiot through most of it. My only serious quibble- It was pretty easy to tell which encounters were scripted, and which ones were real. That kinda threw me off...)