Hooray For Hollywood!

"Hey, kid, how ya doin' and welcome aboard the film set. In order to get your job as a production assistant here, you must've won out over a couple hundred other applicants. That's quite an achievement. I see by your resume that you spent four years at film school getting your BFA. Mmm. Let's see... Tuition is about 40 thou a year... so multiply that by four... Jeez, that's a cool hundred and sixty grand you're on the hook for! Too bad being a p.a. only pays eight bucks an hour. Well, if you live the spartan and austere life of a monk for the next thirty years, you should be able to pay that off..."

"So! To business... My name's Kyle Randall, I'm the third unit director on this set. But don't call me Kyle, or even Mr. Randall. Nope, when you're addressing me, the first and last words out of your cheesepipe have got to be Sir. Got that? Try it on for size. Good. You'll be reporting to me mostly through the time you spend on this set, though I plan on being in one of the makeup trailers most of the time, boinking one of the makeup girls. That means you'll be running around looking for me, and taking the heat for not being able to find me. When you do find me, you'll mostly be running personal errands for me. You know, dropping off and picking up my dry cleaning, taking my Audi TT to get washed, purchasing crack cocaine from the bad side of town, and picking my kid up from the elite private school he goes to. Oh, he's got ADD or something, and he likes to stab people and things with a pencil."

"When I'm not using you, you'll be helping out Gunther over there. See Gunther? The blond, middle-aged guy with the enormous beer gut? Yeah, that one, the guy urinating in the bushes in the front yard over there. He's in the Electrician's Union, and he pulls in seventy-five K a year. Hm? Doing what? Oh, he gets power cables from the truck in the morning, and unspools them to the power generator. Then at the end of the day, he rolls them back up and puts them into the truck. No, he doesn't plug them in or unplug them; that's another union guy's job. He's usually too drunk to do that task, so you'll be basically doing his job for him. Yes, that's right, you're still making eight bucks an hour. Yes, he's a member of the Electrician's Union, um-hm. His English isn't very good, so expect to be yelled at in drunken German most of the time. I do believe also, when he's in his cups, that he can get quite randy, so expect to have him try and have his way with you. Sexually, I mean. Well, he is in the Electrician's Union, after all. Yes, I suppose there's harassment laws and all that, but look, you really don't want to be blacklisted as a troublemaker around here, do you? I suggest you let Gunther have his way with you. It's easier for everyone in the long run, and besides, you might make a new close friend! Haw, haw."

"And when me and Gunther's not using you, you'll be working 'Security'. That means you'll be standing on the outskirts of the set with a walkie-talkie with your arms folded across your chest. We've closed off this street to traffic, so you'll be diverting cars who try to come through here. Despite the walkie-talkie, you'll essentially have no authority whatsoever, so when understandably pissed-off drivers demand an explanation from you for the massive inconvenience you're causing them, you'll be on your own. No, actually, the walkie-talkie isn't connected to anyone, it's just for show. You're there to take the heat, really. I'm not sure if we even have a permit to shoot here, that's not my department, so if the cops show up, stall 'em. Also, you'll be working with that big, bald guy in the black shirt and sunglasses over there. Yes, the one with the prison tattoos up and down his massive arms. I think his name's, 'Fuckpig'. You can learn a lot from 'Fuckpig', really. Notice how he adopts a superior attitude to any civilian who comes near the set. Oh, look, he pushed that kid off her bike while screaming, 'This is a closed set, bitch! Move along!" Now he's urinating on her bike!

Good old 'Fuckpig'! Um, I should mention that when I say, 'working with Fuckpig', I really mean, 'doing both your job and his', since when he's not punching old ladies trying to cross the street, he's passed out from shooting heroin in the port-a-potty. Interesting note: Though 'Fuckpig' and you have the same job, he's making forty an hour! Mm, yes. Forty. Well, he's a paid up Union member. Which Union? I'm not sure, really."

"Oh, right, that's another thing. You'll notice how everyone around here acts like they're some sort of super-human demi-god that deigned to come down from Olympus to make a movie. That's S.O.P. for the movie business. Since you're low man on the totem pole- well, actually, you don't even rate a spot on the pole, really - expect to be the butt of everyone else's jokes. That's called 'hazing' and it's quite common on movie sets. We like to call it 'paying your dues', but really, it's just the manifestation that we're all conscious of the fact that our jobs, and by extension, our lives, are vestigial flailing failures. We're all quite bitter about the path we've taken, resent your youth and optimism, and will be taking out our frustrations and disappointments on you."

"What's the movie about? My, you are eager, aren't you? Well, that's a good sign! I've been involved with this production since day one, and as far as I know, it's about lesbian space vampires. Yes, that's right. Yes, they're lesbians. Yes, from outer space. Mm. Actually, if this movie ever sees the light of day, it'll be a direct-to-video release that goes straight to the bargain bin at Blockbuster two weeks after it hits the 'new release' shelf. I believe when it was pitched to the studio producers, it originally started out as a young girl's coming-of-age story. My goodness, what a picayune path the movie business is, eh?"

"Look, kid. I like you. Really. Even though I'll be regularly screaming abuse at you in front of the cast and crew, and especially when there are attractive women present, and slapping the proffered lattes you bring me out of your hand because 'there's too much foam' or something, I really like you. Perhaps because you remind me of a young me, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and rarin' to be a part of the magic of the cinema. So, move in closer and I'll impart to
you the secret of the movie business."

"Yes, closer."

"I SAID 'CLOSER', YOU LITTLE SHIT!!"

"There. The secret of the movie industry is this: All movies make money. Even the shitty ones. Even the god-awful, hacked-out, indifferently acted-produced-directed ones. Someone put up huge sums of cash to finance this picture. And that some one's almost certainly got insurance on their money. And if they don't, it's a tax write-off. And, even if by some act of God, this picture makes a dime, the money guy will turn around and plow that dime into another tax write-off. And so on and so on, amen. But why, you ask. You don't think anyone in their right mind would do all this shit for free, do you? Well, you practically are, but that's because you think you're 'paying your dues', and one day it'll be you standing around with the air of a god, wearing headphones not connected to anything, sipping five dollar lattes, surveying your domain like you're the lord of all creation. All the while, a baseball cap with the movie's title sits atop your swollen head while men and women who actually make things and have actual, useful skills kowtow to your every petty whim."

"The movies that people watch and enjoy, you know, the type of films that inspired you to follow your path, were made in spite of this system, not because of it. If you really wanted to make movies, you wouldn't have gone to film school in the first place. You'd have bought a second-hand camera and just. Started. Making movies. Granted, once you reach a certain level of skill and attention as a filmmaker, this system becomes indispensable owing to it's innate efficiency.
But really, for the most part, a truly good movie's dependence on this system we're locked into is non-existent. You really should've figured that out before you took on that crushing debt. In order to pay that off before you're old and grey, you'll be stuck on sets like this, crapping out schlock for a paycheck. Well, you could always go work for your dad, and make your own movies on your own dime, I suppose. But then you wouldn't be able to impress girls at bars when you try and pick them up, would you?"

"Wow! You should really look at yourself in a mirror! You just aged a decade in two minutes! Ha-ha, I love that. See, petty ego battles and power games are really why I stay in this business. Yes, crushing the hopes and dreams of the young are all I pretty much have to look forward to these days. Well, that and porking script girls, actually."

"Okay, so your first errand of the day is to head to the DMV and wait in line for several hours to renew my driver's licence for me. Then, head over to this address on the bad side of town to purchase some crystal meth for me. Yes, mm-hmm, out of your own pocket. Well, I'll say I'm going to reimburse you, but I'll brush you off until the shoot's finished, then I'll just threaten to turn you over to the cops for trafficking, and blacklist you from working on a movie set for the rest of your life. Hurry! Go! Oh, and pick me up a Venti Latte on your way back as well, would you?"

"Not too much foam, mind, or I'll slap it out of your hand in front of everyone else on the set to their glee and your humiliation!"

"Ha-ha! Look at him run off on his stubby little legs! He's gonna work out just fine!"

Botox Culture

"That said, there are a lot of awfully talented people around. I'm more inpressed with what I see today in mainstream comics than what I saw during my Lampoon days. They do tend to look alike, but the level of quality in draftsmanship is way up there. This is what I call the 'botoxing of America'. It's like music. The work is all a little better than the work from years ago, but none of it is great. There's no one that stands out, because there's too much of it. It's true in movies, true in literature, true in books, true in publishing, true in music. There's too many comics. There's too many good guys."


-from Comic Book Artist magazine, April 2003- interview with National Lampoon art director Michael Gross (1970-75)


...Which sums up my attitude to most mainstream entertainment today. Because there's so much money tied up in the production of a movie, or a music alblum or a t.v. show, the suits feel that they absolutely MUST have a hit. As a result, the commercial process becomes even more ruthlessly Darwinian- Executives become even more pusilaminous, and creative types, either out of cowardice or sheer economic neccesity, conform to what's more of 'the next big thing'. As a result, you get work that has it's low points filled in, but has it's high points filed down. Thus the reference by Mr. Gross to 'Botoxing'.


I'm gonna go out on a limb here and point my stubby little finger at two specific reasons why a lot of stuff coming out of the pipeline these days is so bland. One is the prevalence of 'market research' for entertainment like movies, t.v. , and well, music. ("What did you like best about the movie?" "When the hero got the girl?" "What did you like least?" "Um, when the hero lost the girl?" ...oh, bugger...) By pandering to a market that tells it, somewhat sheepishly, what that market would like to see or hear, the entertainment industry shoots itself in the foot. People don't know what they want to see until they've seen it. Otherwise, we wouldn't keep getting all these flops like "Evan Almighty" and that new Lindsey Lohan movie coming out, wouldn't we?


The second reason is CGI. Hear me out. Traditionally, the craft of filmmaking is the craft of solving problems. The lead actress cut off her long, red hair halfway through the movie, throwing the continuity off and we've got no time to get a wig? Film a scene where she just came out of the shower, and her hair's in a towel. Harrison Ford's too sick to shoot an elaborate fight scene with a sword-wielding maniac? Just have him groan in exasperation and shoot the fellow. You get the idea.


When you 'go to the CG people' for a shot, however, you're short-circuiting the whole process of story-telling. There's no wit, no craft, no pleasure in seeing a movie that's heavy on the CGI. It's like you're being bullied into enjoying yourself. "Dammit, we had an army of CGI studios work on this background of Civil-war Atlanta burning to the ground for eight months! You, the audience, are going to sit there in your seats and watch this three minute-long scene that essentially stops the movie dead in its tracks, or so help me, WE'LL TURN THIS CAR AROUND!!"


It makes directors sloppy and lazy, hamstrings the editors, and most importantly, turns the movie into a ride at Disneyland, instead of an engaging story. The upside, I guess, is that some spotty nerd who got a two-year certificate at some 'media training center' gets a job, at least...("Hey, ya know the embers flickering off the torches in the background there in that one shot?" "Eeyeah..?" "Our studio worked on those! Man, the procedurals on those were a bitch!" "Oookay, then...")





Which is why Transformers (D) stunk. Okay, I bitched about this movie before, but in my defense a) I was in another city without anything to do, and b) it was hot out and the theater was air-conditioned. Wait, what am I saying? I have no defense. Well, it was my twelve dollars and not yours. Anyway, I fell asleep halfway through the movie, woke up three-quarters of the way in, (really.) and didn't think I missed a single thing. That's how dreary it was. Autobots fight Decepticons, Shia LeBoeuf macks on Megan Fox, Micheal Bay mixes his usual visual bombast with an early 80's teen sex comedy, references are made to the 'Transformers' t.v. show...and we're done.





The Simpsons Movie (C+) What's going on here is the beginning of the end. The t.v. show's been on for so long now that it's hit critical mass a long time ago in terms of its being surprising and entertaining. Well, it's still entertaining, but in the same way that old chestnuts like the comic strip 'Garfield' are. The people involved in the Simpsons realized this a long time ago and are on the horns of a dilemma. If they stick with the show, they've all got big, fat paychecks for the forseeable future. In the entertainment industry, that's never a bad thing. However, if they all walk away from the Simpsons, they are free to head out for new territories, without the financial uncertainties that people in their position usually have. In this case, the answer seems to be thusly:


"If the movie is a smash hit (and it certainly looks that way.), we all can stop doing the show now and re-unite every few years to crap out a sequel every so often to satisfy Fox's coffers, and to be honest, our own. For both us, and the Fox network, this is a win-win situation."


The only question is, when will Fox drop the Simpsons? I'd like to think this upcoming season is it's last, but considering that in Fox's accounting ledgers, the Simpsons is the only consistent money-maker it's got on the shelf.


As for the movie itself, eh, not bad. It's an episode drawn out to movie-length meant more to reassure than to astonish. The only gag that stuck in my mind was Bart's nude skateboard run, and the controversy it ignited ruined the gag before I saw it. Let it die, fellas. Let it die.




Smoking Aces (C-) What we have here is a case of an American director (Joe Carnahan) trying to do what Guy Richie and Matthew Vaughn do so well and falling on his face. It's a 'gangster' pic where several different 'hitmen' try to take out one oily Vegas magician at the same time. Meanwhile, he's being protected by his own hired hands and the FBI, who want to have him name names. The only way this could work is as a farce, but Carnahan chooses to play it straight. Since he also wrote the script, it's really strange to see a director who fights his own work. Any quirks in the movie are tangential, and don't add up to anything. (The aggressive kid with a boner, and Jason Bateman as a depressed lawyer-I honestly thought his character was going to tie in later...)





Extras: the T.V. Series (B) Ricky Gervias occupies a unique space in the contemporary comedy firmament. The 'comedy of embarassment', if you will. It originated in England, where a sense of propriety is held in higher regard than over here in the colonies. However, with the relative success of 'Borat', the american version of 'The Office', and Larry David's 'Curb Your Enthusiasm', the 'comedy of embarassment' seems to be taking hold over here as well. It's humour based on characters without the willpower or common sense they require to achieve their goals constantly making social gaffes. It's both painful and funny at the same time.


Gervais' character in this one is a struggling actor, 'Andy Millman' who spends the first season trying to ingratiate himself with the rich and powerful in hopes of getting his own t.v. series off the ground. Season two has Andy's series getting made, however, since he's too weak-willed at his core to stand up to the B.B.C. producers, it turns into an insipid run-of-the-mill sitcom which "relies on silly wigs and stupid catch-phrases" to get a laugh. Naturally, it becomes quite popular with most people, while reviled by the cultural elite.


The following clip with David Bowie perfectly sums up the series in a nutshell: Andy trying to rub shoulders with the high priests of the current landscape, and immediately getting shot down for his troubles. Enjoy...

The Filth, The Freaks, and the Fools...

Hot Fuzz (B) - The 'Spaced' and "Shawn of the Dead" crew are back, and this time they're taking on the "Action Movie" genre. The key to parodying this genre is to have a fundamental love for it, which is why all the John Woo/John McTiernagan/Michael Bay tropes in the movie work so well. Being English, it's primary inspiration in terms of the story is from "Straw Dogs" (one of the villagers was an extra) and "The Wicker Man". The super cop protagonist so outshines his fellow officers in London that he's transferred to a small village where bodies start turning up. Turns out it's the work of a local cabal of village leaders who want to keep their place free from "Gypsies, Hippies, and Ravers". It's like neighbourhood leader types on this side of the Atlantic who reprimand their neighbours for putting basketball hoops over their garage and such...taken to an extreme level. Anyway, this all leads to a classic two gun standoff in the final act with hilarious results.

The movie works, unlike say, "Date Movie" or "Scary Movie" because while it acknowledges the genre, it doesn't condescend to it. Edgar Wright's made a solid enough film on its own that eats its cake and has it too. (Remember the opening scene in the village police station? Get it? Get it? Eh?) Favorite bits: "By the power of Greyskull!" and Timothy Dalton falling on a spike, head-villain style; "Thisth really fucking hurths!" Only complaint: Wright's repetitive quick cuts (Darren Aronofsky-lite) get, well, repetitive...

Spiderman 3 (C) - Film making by committee, and it shows. The webslinger faces not one but three antagonists in this installment, on top of the subplots straight of of "The O.C." Will Peter and M.J. stay together? Will Peter and Harry Osborn reconcile their friendship? What's the deal with Gwen Stacey? What's that upstart Edward Brock's game, anyways? Oh, and turns out it was escaped con Flint Marko who killed Uncle Ben all along...

Perversely, I found myself tuning out during the big fight scenes- CGI characters have no real weight to them, so when our heroes hit their heads or get thrown through wall, you don't feel any tension. Sam Raimi has enough skill as a director so the 'soap opera' moments held my interest more.

It seems Superhero movies are a law of diminishing returns unto themselves. On one hand, you have to please the long-term comic fans so favorites like the symbiont costume 'Venom' has to make an appearance. On the other hand, you've still got to shoehorn a semblance of story into the film. When 'Spiderman 4' shows up, you know- you KNOW Flash Thompson and 'The Lizard' will make an appearance. And the Lizard'll kidnap Mary Jane. And Peter'll show up to rescue her. And the subplot with Gwen will resolve itself when the Lizard (or was it the Hunter?) kills her off. And M.J. says, "Go get 'em, Tiger!" and...and...

Ehh...

Blades Of Glory (C) - The only people who give a shit about competitive figure skating are, well, competitive figure skaters. And their parents. And sexless nerds. So the only reason to see this film is if you're a Will Farrel (and Will Arnett) fan. I'll level with you; Farrel's brand of 'improv' comedy is hit or miss with me. Mostly 'hit', though it's the type of comedy which can get real self-indulgent and lazy real quickly. Could it be that Farrel appreciates the high level of skill and improvisation that real figure skaters need to master their craft? Nah, he came on board after Ben Stiller passed on his role. Worth a few chuckles, at least. (I liked the video of coach Craig T. Nelson's first attempt to create the "Iron Lotus" stunt, with predictably lethal results.)

As for Jon Heder, well... I hated 'Napoleon Dynamite' so much that he's kinda ruined for me as a comic actor, or really, as an actor. He's too wispy to play straight man, like he does here. This is really mean of me, but in less than a year, he'll be competing with actors like Andy Samburg (who I thought for a minute was Heder in that upcoming 'Hot Rod') for Jon Heder-like roles. I laughed when his character was disowned by his step-father for getting booted out of the figure skating circuit, but in retrospect, I'm not sure I was enjoying his character's pain, or Heder's.

Korean Animation

Wonderful Days (C-) and Aachi & Sipakk (B-)

Korea's developed quite a reputation for a high level of craftsmanship with it's animation studios. Mostly owing to its studios doing 90% of the grunt work for American productions like 'The Simpsons', 'Family Guy', and such. These two recent examples show what Korea's capable of when left to its own devices. Well, that and there's some new law in Korea making local theaters show local films at least 100 days out of the year.

Wonderful Days (aka Sky Blue) is beautifully animated, there's no doubt. It's just a Generic Post-Apocalyptic World Where the Bad Guy goes, "Nyah-ha", the Beautiful Heroine is a Cop Dedicated to Enforcing the Law in this World, And she runs into Her Former Lover Who is Now on the Side of the Rebels Dedicated to Overthrowing the Bad Guy. Surprise, surprise, she joins forces with him after some initial skirmishes and they both triumph. Is there a flow-chart from which all these type of movies are supposed to come from that I'm not aware of? It's technically proficient, but I'd give it a pass unless you're the type of cgi-obsessive animation geek-completest that has to see this type of thing.

As for Aachi and Sipakk, well... The setup is that the world's only form of viable energy comes from, er, 'dooky'. More specifically, 'Dooky' from you and me. In order to harvest this source, everybody has a ring put into their ass (keep reading), and every time they 'pinch a loaf', they are rewarded with an addictive Popsicle. Still with me? One side effect is that these Popsicles become a black-market commodity, like cocaine or meth. The two leads team up with a porn actress who's had a whole bunch of 'rings' put into her 'end', making her the goose that lays golden 'eggs', as it were. Complications arise when a cult leader who commands a bunch of addicted pygmies and the powers that be get wind of her 'abilities'.

I tell you what, I love this type of sophomoric humour and over-the-top violence. And the Dave Cooper-inspired design is perfect for this type of story. While it gets a little too reliant on in-jokes at times, it's pretty funny. I suspect it came out of the years of Korean animators toiling on mindless American animation, finally snapping, and crafting this vulgar little gem as a not so subtle 'Cho-Ka'! to their earlier toil.

Here's a clip...

Grumpy Old Previews...and Reviews...

Die Even More Harder Than Ever Before- The action genre is basically a silly one. I watched the first three in a row, and it had occurred to me that even the makers of these things have to acknowledge that. For instance, the line, "I don't believe this!!" or a variant thereof pops up in every Die Hard film. I'd have to look through a bunch more to confirm this, but I believe this type of line comes up in every action film ever made, since the beginning of the genre. It's an understanding of the filmmakers that the fundamental premise is ludicrous, and if you stopped to think about the actual mechanics of the film in question, your enjoyment of it would be seriously hampered. I'd say it's also a subconscious acknowledgement by the filmmakers that what they are engaged in is a fundamentally silly genre that, while it puts bread on the table and gas in the Hummer, is not really what they signed up for when they first entered the movie business.

Still, the action movie's continued success indicates to us that culturally, we haven't progressed much from the early days of cinema, where the novelty of showing top-hatted patrons the thrill of having an onrushing train come directly at them hasn't worn off quite yet.

Transformers-the movie- Here's something to think about: Let's say that 'Demolition Man', that Stallone movie from years back, where Sly is frozen and put into a futuristic overly-politically correct world (where fine dining is Taco Bell and popular music is radio jingles), became a t.v. show. A running gag in the show would be where the camera would pan by a movie theater, and the titles on the marquee would be advertising ninety-minute commercials. "Country Crock Margarine-the movie" "Diet Pepsi-free: the movie". Do you see where I'm going with this?

Michael Bay is just a more successful version of Uwe Boll, really. There'll be explosions, swooping camera shots, bombastic scores, and the Magical Black Guy. (The MBG, in Bay's movies, is a colourful urban character that's thrown in to comment on the movie for no other reason than to add a bit of 'hipness' to it. Sort of the same broad reason T.V. in the 70's had Ray Charles do a walk-on now and again. He was a bike courier in Armageddon, he conducted a rail car in The Rock, he was Michael Clark Dugan in The Island, and in Bad Boys he was, um, Martin Lawrence and Will Smith. Here he plays a used car dealer.)

The Bourne Supremacy- The well's running dry for this particular franchise. Still, for what it's worth, it did motivate the James Bond franchise to bring their character more down to earth. Matt Damon's okay, I guess. Though if you put Matthew McConaughey or even Luke Wilson in the lead, you probably wouldn't notice any difference.

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Reviews:

Hostel II (F)

I hated this one, but not because it's a sadistic exercise in pointless bloodletting. (though it is...) It's using an atom bomb to smash a fly. See, the 'gore-nography' sub-genre of horror goes as far back as the turn of the century Paris, with it's 'Grand Guginol' theater. If I were to look at it in a semiotic sense, the horror film in general is like a form of cultural vaccination. We get exposed to an inert form of transgressive behavior, kind of like riding a really scary roller coaster, and perhaps we feel better equipped to handle life's real horrors.

The sub-genre of 'gore-no' films, however, is like sticking our hands in really hot water to see how long we can last. A more intense form of inoculation, if you will. What keeps it from being more prevalent is in it's low budget and spotty distribution. The better ones, like Peter Jackson's 'Dead Alive' and Takashi Miike's "Ichi the Killer" work because their tongue is planted firmly in their cheek. Being low budget, the creators of these films have to spend their time and money in a more thoughtful way than someone like director Eli Roth is capable of. (If his mock horror trailer from the movie, 'Grind house' was really made, you'd have seen all the good parts already...)

What really sucked about Hostel is that, a) Eli Roth plays his work straight, so much that the torture segments throw you out of the movie. b) he spent way too much money in making and promoting it, and c) when the box office receipts started to fall off, he acted really hurt and surprised that not too many people feel like spending their evenings at the local cineplex watching young women get tortured and murdered. Cue my monocle popping off my face into my gin and tonic. When you think about it, if you think about it, while the premise is creepily logical (an underground company stages events for clients to sadistically torture and murder wayward tourists), the way they procure their victims is ludicrous. If the company is in Eastern Europe, wouldn't it make more sense economically to grab impoverished locals off the street for fodder than to undertake the time and expense, (and legal risks) to procure young American tourists?

Ratatouille (A-) What a pleasure to see craftsmen being allowed to do that what they do best. It says something about the creative culture at Pixar in that even their mediocre stuff, like 'Cars', is still watchable at least, and still heads and shoulders over everything that comes out of the 3d animation line these days. In this case, the pleasure is not in the story, which is okay in and of itself, (Rat that loves food comes to Paris and becomes a chef) but in the subtle details that add up to make the sum more than its parts.

Notice how the various textures all have their own specific glow. Notice how all the rats move. In a bunch, they're repulsive, one on one, they're adorable. See how much better animated the water is in this picture than 'Finding Nemo'. (So much so that I'm sure they worked to make it a bit more 'cartoony' in the final steps, if you know what I mean.) The craftsmanship here is so advanced and surefooted that a character's glance and heave of the chest is all you need to know about them.

The only nit I have to pick, well, two - The little monologue by Anton Ego (Peter O'Toole) rings a tad false for me - is that Pixar tends to run out of story before they run out of movie. You could sum up their last three movie endings as: "And, uh, trust us on this, everything worked out for everyone in the end. Bye!" Still, it would be the height of corporate stupidity on Disney's part if they started mucking around with the good thing they've got with John Lassiter's band of geniuses.

On Web Cartooning...

As the old saying goes, the great thing about the Internet is that anyone can participate; the bad thing about the Internet is that ANYONE can participate...

I don't see much of a point in bringing up bad Internet comics to make fun of; it's not like the 'camp' factor in bad movies. When it comes to comics on the web, if it isn't a fuckin' masterpiece, I don't even want to look at it. Thanks to Scott McCloud's 'Reinventing Comics', a lot of people without any innate skills felt that if they put up their derivative, self-involved, whiny crap, they might be able to get money for 'em. Here's a good rule of thumb: If a comic has 'furries', 'goths', 'gay college students', long-winded socio-political tirades masquerading as story-lines, 'nice-guys-finish-last' story-lines, drawn in a quasi-anime style, or horror of horrors, all of 'em in one package... it blows goats for nickels and gives change, figuratively speaking.

Instead, I'd like to point out four really good ones for the benefit of you all here. First off, we have Chris Onstad's Achewood, which seems to have 'furries' as it's protagonists. Actually, they're a collection of Onstad's toy animal collection brought to life in a demented manner. Onstad's line could be described as 'Adobe Illustrator Lite', and on casual glance, his strips have an improv feel to them. It's his quick wit and matter-of-fact weirdness that keeps the strip entertaining. My personal favorite storyline of his would be the "Great Outdoor Fight", in which rap mogul Ray Steckels and depressed slacker pal Roast Beef attend a Darwinian fight competition that Ray's been invited too, as he's B-O-C (blood of champions-Ray's dad won a match in the 70's) Oh, hell, just check it out here.

Tristan Farnon's Leisuretown is also a delight, though he's stopped putting out any new work for a while. I imagine the labour-intensive method of photographing bendy animals and painstakingly photoshopping them into urban settings took a toll from him. Coupled with the typical 'net audience' complaint of 'Hey, where's our free entertainment,man! What a rip-off! Farnon, you sell-out!", it probably discouraged him. Though I'd put good money on his return, if not to 'Leisuretown', then to something else. Humour this clever and subversive can't stay dormant for long...

In keeping with the blunt, snarky tone of my blog, I must tell you that political cartoons suck. Suck, suck, suck. The last truly great political cartoon I ever saw was one of a former B.C. Premier, Bill Vanderzalm, pulling the wings off a fly and saying, "It's a fun thing, don't you see?" (I now have no idea of what the issue in question was about, or even who drew it, but it made me laugh...) The vast majority of them tend not to rise beyond the cliche of a pig in a tuxedo eating out of a trough saying 'Taxpayer, restrain thyself!'. And that's what passes for discourse in our culture. I can't think of any body on the right side of the political spectrum successfully engaging in cartoon demagoguery, it would be like being the Iraqi Minister of Propaganda. Well, there's that 'tard that does that 'Mallard Fillmore' cartoon, but he got busted for a DWI a while back, and if I was a Republican, I'd still want him arrested for impersonating a cartoonist.

And really, the Left isn't much better, sad to say. If they're not being spineless, like Stephanie McMillian (she's like a nicer 'Mallard Fillmore' guy), they're being plain out of step with reality, like Ted Rall. When he's not pissing on 9/11 widows or espousing conspiracy theories, he just plain sucks as a cartoonist. (Most of the criticism against him would be blunted if he were a better draftsman.)

So it warms my black little heart to endorse the work of Tim Krieder. He's a skilled artist with the disciplined, elegant line of Kilban, Gerald Scarfe, and Ralph Steadman. With a little DuMaurier thrown in, I may add. Plus, his observations are well-thought out and astute. He realizes that the Left in America is as much to blame for the resurgence of the Right in America, and gives out the slaps accordingly. A kinder, gentler Christopher Hutchens, if you will. His cartoons of Dubya and Dubya's new best pal, Dick Cheney are a thing of joy and beauty. Krieder's rendition of Cheney, especially, capture the essence of what it means to be that horrid, small-minded, mean-spirited, selfish, cruel, sneering, hypocritical, tight-assed, greedy, grasping, hollow-souled, rotten, insensitive, criminal, lesbian-breeding, lawyer-shooting, useless fuck-pig son-of-a-bitch.

Ahem.

In his latest cartoon (see here) in the third panel we see a parasitical alien mind being transferred from Cheney to (I presume) Giuliani. "Ahh...", it hisses in what is no doubt a guttural, sibilant tone: "Such luxuriant hair!" That, to me, is, in essence, the heart and soul of the Bush administration.

And finally, let me point you all in the direction of one Steve LeCoulliard, a fine chap whom I've had the pleasure of working with at one time. If he were living in France thirty years ago, you'd see his name mentioned amongst Peyo, Uderzo, and Franquin in the classic "Bigfoot" school of Euro-cartooning. Well, I think so. Plus, there's a hint of Leiji Matsumoto and Akira Toriyama in his character design. He's currently running a 'Robin Hood' comic in his blog space which is turning out to be a hoot and a half. Please do check it out, won't you? (Consider this all penance for that truly libelous post I put in in his name several months back...)

"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr(gasp)rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, me hearties!"

Pirates of the Caribbean: Sweet Jesus, Isn't It Over Yet? (C+) The Hip Movie Critic thing to do in this case is to use this movie as a dismissive example of how summer movies are just an updated version of the State Fair. That is, one goes to the Fair, you see the prize-winning pigs, ride the tilt-o-whirl, eat some corn dogs, and generally have a good time. Unless it rains or someone breaks into your car in the parking lot or something like that...

Which is what the whole PotC franchise is about, really. (Remember, it was a ride at Disneyland first.) And since I'm not hip, nor a movie critic, I don't really have any complaints about the ride. Well, after I saw the first two, I'm kinda obliged to see this one, like the Lord of the Rings, Matrix, and Star Wars trilogy. And, you know, I'd say it was worth my time and money. And unlike Peter Jackson, director Gore Verblinski sets up his action sequences so there's some payoff. And you know, Johnny Depp isn't too bad. In fact, the movie just drags when he's not on screen. Well, it kinda drags anyway, but you know what I mean...

I don't want to analyze it too deeply, (oops, here I go...) but where it succeeds as a ride, it fails as a movie. The story jumps all over the place, just so the audience feels they're getting their money's worth. Except for Depp, none of the other characters has any connection to the audience. I suspect Geoffery Rush came back since people really liked him in the first one. Though really, he has no reason whatsoever to help the others out. And Keira Knightly and Orlando Bloom have no chemistry together. In fact, if they were brother and sister, it wouldn't affect the story one bit. And Chow Yun Fat's role could've been played by a mannequin with a tape recorder. (His costume has more appeal then his character.) There's no emotional high points to the movie. Characters reunite or discover family members have died, and their reaction is, "Oh, nice to see you." or, "Aww...".

It's awfully nice to look at, though. The special effects don't overwhelm the story, unlike the usual summer blockbuster film fare. There's one scene where a bunch of rocks reveal themselves as crabs, then lift and carry a ship to the sea. Referring to my earlier point about emotional impacts, it has more of a charge to it than Elizabeth Swann's discovering her father's been killed. Between you and me, my big highlight was seeing Keith Richards as Depp's daddy...