"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr(gasp)rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, me hearties!"

Pirates of the Caribbean: Sweet Jesus, Isn't It Over Yet? (C+) The Hip Movie Critic thing to do in this case is to use this movie as a dismissive example of how summer movies are just an updated version of the State Fair. That is, one goes to the Fair, you see the prize-winning pigs, ride the tilt-o-whirl, eat some corn dogs, and generally have a good time. Unless it rains or someone breaks into your car in the parking lot or something like that...

Which is what the whole PotC franchise is about, really. (Remember, it was a ride at Disneyland first.) And since I'm not hip, nor a movie critic, I don't really have any complaints about the ride. Well, after I saw the first two, I'm kinda obliged to see this one, like the Lord of the Rings, Matrix, and Star Wars trilogy. And, you know, I'd say it was worth my time and money. And unlike Peter Jackson, director Gore Verblinski sets up his action sequences so there's some payoff. And you know, Johnny Depp isn't too bad. In fact, the movie just drags when he's not on screen. Well, it kinda drags anyway, but you know what I mean...

I don't want to analyze it too deeply, (oops, here I go...) but where it succeeds as a ride, it fails as a movie. The story jumps all over the place, just so the audience feels they're getting their money's worth. Except for Depp, none of the other characters has any connection to the audience. I suspect Geoffery Rush came back since people really liked him in the first one. Though really, he has no reason whatsoever to help the others out. And Keira Knightly and Orlando Bloom have no chemistry together. In fact, if they were brother and sister, it wouldn't affect the story one bit. And Chow Yun Fat's role could've been played by a mannequin with a tape recorder. (His costume has more appeal then his character.) There's no emotional high points to the movie. Characters reunite or discover family members have died, and their reaction is, "Oh, nice to see you." or, "Aww...".

It's awfully nice to look at, though. The special effects don't overwhelm the story, unlike the usual summer blockbuster film fare. There's one scene where a bunch of rocks reveal themselves as crabs, then lift and carry a ship to the sea. Referring to my earlier point about emotional impacts, it has more of a charge to it than Elizabeth Swann's discovering her father's been killed. Between you and me, my big highlight was seeing Keith Richards as Depp's daddy...