Concrete, Bulletproof, Invisible and Fried: My Life As A Revolting Cock - (D) Being a fan boy when it comes to the WaxTrax! legacy of industrial music, this book seemed like a godsend to me. It's Revolting Cocks/Ministry flunky Chris Connolly's look back on his time in the Al Jorgenson circus. Unfortunately, he's just not a good writer. Also, since Motley Crue's and Neil Strauss' 'The Dirt', these type of books have a standard of sleazy entertainment to live up to, and this book just doesn't cut it. Observe:
A condensation of 'The Dirt'
Nikki Sixx: Yeah, so I was in the back seat of the sports car Tommy Lee was drivin', gettin' my dick sucked by 'Molly Mounds', that week's headliner at the Spearamint Rhino, and eatin' some Popeye's fried chicken! Meanwhile, Vince Neil's in the front, next to Tommy, and he's just sulkin' away and sluggin' back some Jack Daniels and snortin' ketamine.
Vince Neil: I'm gettin' drunker and more pissed, cuz when we was at the Rhino, Miss Mounds was like, all over me. Then we get into Tommy's car with Nikki, and she starts goin' down on him! I mean, what the fuck, girl? And she's trying to impress us all by makin' noises like a suckling piglet, and Nikki's slurpin' and chomping away on his take-out, to accentuate the gobbling noises that she's making just to annoy me!
Nikki : Ha, ha! Yeah, so finally, Vince can't take it anymore, drops trou, and starts to try and climb into the back, loudly and drunkenly demanding that Molly let me and him have a 'swordfight' in her mouth!
Tommy Lee: Heh, that was funny. Thing is, Vince's drunken squirming bumped me while I was drivin' and I crashed the car into one of those illegal immigrant Mexican kids sellin' bags of oranges by the side of the road! The kid's parents start screaming and cryin', so's I hadda pay 'em a hundred bucks to shut them up. Then Molly starts gettin' hysterical and cryin', so's we booted her ass out on the freeway. I think she o.d.'ed on Drano and baby laxative a couple weeks later.
Vince Neil: Good times, man. Good times.
Vs. a condensation of 'Concrete, Bulletproof, Invisible and Fried: My Life As A Revolting Cock'
"...so our tour van pulled into the parking lot of the community center, and we did some meth to sharpen up for the show, and we did the show, and about fifty skinhead kids showed up, and there was a fight in the parking lot, and after the show some kid puked on the ground, and Al Jourgenson's an egomaniac, and then I read a book and fell asleep until our next show in Pigfuck, Iowa. Oh, and a friend of mine o.d'ed on some drugs, and he died..."
Sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll is supposed to be fun, innit?
Rambo (D-) It's like a parody of the Rambo series, only... it's actually a Rambo movie! Seriously, if they added some cameo appearances by bottom feeders like Paris Hilton and that Clay Aitkins guy, and a bunch of jokey pop-culture references, they'd have a 'Meet the Spartans' type movie. But no, your only enjoyment will be watching a sixty-one year old Stallone hobble around in the rain until it's time to unleash his party piece. And that is to climb up onto an M-60 and shoot up hundreds of bad guys. And to make matters worse, it looks as if they CGI'ed the hell out of this one. Furthermore, the CGI is so badly done, I'm thinking that the same people who did it also did Stallone's eyebrows. Really, look at his eyebrows in this! He's starting to look like his mother! Bodies just don't sprout bullet holes, they blow up like ants under a magnifying glass in the hot sun! Buckets of CG'd blood rain across the screen! Boom! Splat! Gush! I swear I even saw a bloody turd bolus fly out from an unrestrained lower intestine!
Looking back, I'm starting to think that it's Sly's revenge on all the people who wanted yet another Rambo movie. "Oh, so's yuh wan annuder Rhambo, ehs? Oh, ho, hoooo...I'm-a gunna give youse all annuder Rambo, see! Heh-heh-heh... Dere! Dat shud shudem all ub."
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