A Personal Request...

Dear Everyone Who's Forewarding Me Stuff From This Internet: Please stop. The jokes aren't funny, the petitions are stupid, and the glurge-y, sentimental stuff... Well, it's glurge-y and sentimental, isn't it?

Here's some recent examples...

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OMGLOL!! ITS FUNY CAUZ ITS TRUE!!

TOP TEN WAYS WOMEN ARE BETTAR THAN MEN:

10) Women don't need to lift up the seat when they pee, so when they sit down to pee, they don't pee on the seat so i sit in pee half the time, and the other half my hubby leaves up the seat and i go to pee and the seat is up so i sit in the damm bowl!

9) Women arent afraid to ask for directions unlike men who drive around and around looking for a place to park thats free or we go to the mall but its the wrong mall cause my dumb hubby dosent know which mall to go to!! Duh!!

8) Men stay out all night to drink beer and hit on waitresss in bars especially that little slut in the tanktop at that bar the hubby goes to but i smile nowingly cuz the hubby is impotent!!

7) Men put their hands on their balls all the time! And not just to scratch! They keep them there like their protecting their beer! Oh, and they drink beer all the time too! (I guess that's #6!)

5) Men look at gross porn on the internet and then pretend they aren't looking at porn on the internet! Women don't!

4) Men like movies where people get hit in the balls, and women don't want to see this movie! (Hey, Hollywood! make a movie where Jim Carrey and that other comedian with no eyebrows-Will Farrell? get hit in the balls! Call it "Getting hit in the Balls!" Men will give it an Oscar!!) But if I want to see "Brokeback Mountain", hubby will make a face and say that watching First Knight and Donny Darko nack on each other is gay! Dur!!

3) Men like to sit downstairs or in the garage 'fixing' stuff, but when I want to talk, he's, you guessed it, down in the 'workshop', ignoring me! I bet he's really looking at porn and YouTube videos of people getting hit in the balls! And drinking beer!

2) Men want the lights on during you-know-what time, but women don't want to look at his hairy shoulders while he's...EWWWWW!

1) My marriage is a sham based on a lie, and I wish I were dead.

FOREWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW.

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IMPORTANT MESSAGE!! ALL CONCERNED CITIZENS OF CANADA PLEASE READ THIS!!

As you know, the trial of Robert Pickton, the alleged murderer of almost 50 women began last week! This lowlife scum is getting a free room and board from you, mr. and mrs. john q. taxpayer and it is time to put down the foot and say that we are the foot! We, the concerned citizens of Canada want this monster to be publicly put to death on national tv (though if the cbc could wait until after hockey night in canada is on but if the game goes into overtime they could just broadcast the highlights and I can watch the highlights so anyway) and it should be like this. Pickton gets strapped with a bunch of c-4 explosives and gets blown up and filmed in slo-motion from a bunch of different angles so theres guts and an eyeball flying towards a camera and its like so cool and maybe you should hold a contest during halftime on the hockey game so I could like win a chance to push the button that blows up Pickton that way mr and mrs. john q. taxpayer dont have to pay for his room and board. Copy this message and send it to everyone you know that way the Harper government will know all of Canada is serious about this.

...............SUPPORT OUR TROOPS!!....................GO FLAMES!!...................

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AN INSPIRATIONAL MESSAGE:

Love is:
-like a kitten brushing your cheek as you wake up
-like a dove with a rose in its beak
-the slobber of a six-week old pup
-the innocent smile of the meek
-the laughter of a newborn babe
-like a bubble from a bubble-blowing thing
-carrying on in this mockery of an existence even though you have no arms or legs and propel yourself around on a cart with the mutated flippers you have that pass for hands and will die a virgin and your flippers mean that you can't even mastubate oh god let me die

Send your paypal donations to flipperguycantjackit@gmail.com Thank you and God bless.


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Repost this message to as many people as you can, and you'll get a big surprise tomorrow between 3 and 4 AM!!

What a kiss means:

A kiss on the top of the head means: You're mine.
A kiss on the stomach means: I want you.
A kiss on the phylum (that's those two little flesh lines from your nose to the top of your mouth)means: I'm nearsighted.
A kiss on the top of your foot (which doesn't have a medical term, I think) means: I'm a foot fetishist, and your shoes are getting a dose of my own special organic foot sauce later tonight while you're sleeping, if you know what I mean.
A kiss on the neck means: I'm really a vampire, and I wander the earth for fresh victims-ok, I'm a goth jagoff who dresses in black, hangs out in Denny's with other goths drinking coffee moaning about how our parents are jerks, we all listen to the same droning, derivative slop goth music, all dress the same, hold the same opinions on everything, and spend all our free time whining about how we're so 'different'.
A kiss on the shoulder means: If you even think about leaving me, I will kill you.
A kiss on the illiac of the spine (you know, the base) means I want to 'toss your salad', and if you don't let me, I will pout and sulk and go sleep on the couch. Bitch.
A kiss on the belly button means: I'm horny and-AAUGH! PTUI! YOU'VE GOT A HAIRBALL THERE! CLEAN THAT THING OUT, WON'T YOU? UCK! GROSS! I'm sleeping on the couch! Again.

If you repost this, the love of your life will be thinking of you!

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Hey, d00d! Saw these 'dumb blonde' jokes and thought I'd send 'em to ya. Cuz' I know how much you like jokes and stuff!
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So a dumb blonde and Stephen Harper walk into a bar and Harper orders a drink. The bartender gives Harper his drink then asks the blonde what she wants. The blonde simpers and says, "Tee Hee! What do I know! I'm just a girl!" Then she sleeps with everyone in the bar except me.
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Q: What do you call a blonde going to University to study economics?
A: A lying whore who sleeps with everyone she knows except you!
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Our Bachelor's Dictionary defines Altruism as: A dumb blonde that sleeps with homeless guys hooked on meth, but won't sleep with you because she "values our friendship!" Lying whore.
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So this dumb blonde is on her first date, and she stops by this mean jock douchebag's house to pick him up. She phones him on her cell, and he says that he'll be out in a minute. While she's waiting, she has to cut a wicked fart. So she turns on the A/C to cover up the fart, and lets rip the biggest, smelliest, juciest beefer that she ever has. Fortunatly, by the time the jock douche comes out of his house and gets in the car, the smell has dissapated. The jock greets her by sticking his toungue down her throat, then asks her where she wanted to go for the date. The blonde shrugs, and says, "I don't know, let's ask that guy sitting in the back seat who originally asked me out in the first place!" Then I went home and played World of Warcraft. Bitch.
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Q:How can you tell when a dumb blonde is lying?
A: Her mouth is moving. (from all the other guys dicks that she's sucking on!!) Whore.

.........Make sure you repost these to everyone you know!...........................


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"Footsteps"

A man was praying to Jesus Christ. "Jesus," said the man. "I look upon my life and see two sets of footprints in the sand. But during some of the most difficult times in my life, I see only one. What's the dilly, Yo?"

"My son," said Jesus. "Those times where there was only one set of footprints, I was off buying you a puppy!"

"Oh, right!" exclaimed the man. "Thanks for the puppy, Jesus! I named him 'Rags'!" "Anytime, guy." said Jesus. Then Jesus winked, mimed a gun in his hand, "clicked" the hammer, and went away.

Then the man went off and firebombed an abortion clinic.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxCHOOSE LIFE!XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXCHOOSE LIFEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

...so, yeah. Just stop it.

"I'd buy that for a dollar!..."

Idiocracy: My understanding is that Fox passively-aggressively released this into six theaters across America, then rhetorically shrugged its shoulders when asked why it was a flop. What we have here is social satire of the Swiftian kind masquerading as light comedy. The premise of this film is as follows: Since stupid people tend to breed more prodigiously than smart ones, the world will eventually breed out smart people, leaving morons to grow food, handle the economy, manage the justice system... you get the idea. Into this world comes a perfectly average army grunt from our times, the victim of a military hibernation experiment gone horribly wrong. (Luke Wilson-the less famous one) He comes paired with a prostitute. (Maya Rudolph) who finds that in a world where Starbucks sells handjobs instead of coffee, she makes out very well indeed. The rest of the movie deals with their struggle (well, Luke's struggle, really) to come to grips in a world where the crops are dying off because the main source of irrigation is a sports drink and not water. ("Water? You mean, like, from a toilet?")

With such a broad target as the dumbing down of our existence, however, creator Mike Judge gives us a film that is both savage and soft-centered. It feels both drawn-out and too short. I suspect giving the audience a feel-good message at the end (..."and so, Joe finally discovered that in the end, it was better to lead than to get out of the way"...) helped sell the film to Fox, but couldn't get it an audience. Kinda dumb move, all around, really.

While I'm here, I might as well point out that bemoaning the dearth of intellect in our culture has been going on since the early 50's, at least. There's a somewhat famous sci-fi story called, "The Marching Morons" by a C.F. Kornbluth which Mike Judge pretty much replicates except for the ending. And later, the Simpsons gives us an episode wherein it's revealed that Homer's stupidity is caused by a crayon in the nose poking his brain. Once the crayon is removed, Homer develops an above-average intellect. However, repelled by the crass, pandering nature of the mass culture, Homer decides to put the crayon back in his head to retain his pre-smarts bliss.

Yeah, if you're someone who put in the time to get an education and enjoys making an effort to discover new media to enrich your life, I suppose the onslaught of pandering garbage that's out there makes you want to turn up CBC Radio and take your glasses off and rub the bridge of your nose in despair. Let's not forget, however, that a little over a hundred years ago, deep thinkers honestly thought that the proletariat had no soul. And saying "Nigger" in polite company was OK. And a member of the British Parliament loudly denounced a bill to outlaw child prostitution on the grounds that if he wanted to find succor between the thighs of a ten year old girl, who's business was that between his and God's? And.. you get the idea.

My point is, people are, in incremental ways, slowly getting smarter. Yeah, yeah, not fast enough to please me, but still... And in this time, where the U.S. is stuck in a military quagmire that no one with more than two digits in their I.Q. and major stock in Haliburton thought was a good idea even in theory, when major oil companies claim there's no such thing as 'global warming', where armies of Creationists drag their knuckles across the pavement, where Paris Hilton hasn't been dragged from a nightclub and burned alive, where I can be called a 'fag' for following the traffic rules by my fellow motorists...

Hope burns eternal...

I'm rolling a d20 of hate...

...for the entire Sword and Sorcery genre- I should probably point out that beating on this genre, intrinsically, is like slapping around a eight year old girl with one hand tied behind her back. Nonetheless, I feel it is my duty to piss and moan about it, since that is why these 'blog' things were invented, innit? Here goes...

In the beginning, there was Lord of the Rings, an enjoyable bildungsroman romp by a linguistics professor at Oxford that highlighted his love of Celtic and Nordic culture. Over on this side of the Atlantic, you had Robert E. Howard cranking out pulp entertainment in the pages of 'Amazing Stories'.

In this day and age, however, the whole genre hasn't progressed much beyond that. As a genre it's generally related to the craposphere, and not without good reason. There is little or nothing you can take from it and apply to your own life. It is a vacation from life. Its primary consumers are adolescents indulging in power fantasies and blue collar types envisioning a primal world where might makes right. Also, note if you will the constant harping about the decadence of civilization. This brings me to the sword & sorcery genre as it stands now. I'd like to bounce the bitch ball off the heads of these particular offenders:

Dungeons & Dragons:The Role-playing game: What started as a side line for tabletop medieval war gamers in the sixties turned into a phenomenon in the eighties. The game allows you to role-play a character in a medieval/fantasy setting where you can pretend to be a thief, wizard, barbarian, whatever. The style of play is open-ended, in that if you wish to rob travellers on a pilgrimage, set up your own church, storm a wizard's castle, gallivant through a dungeon, or plot and scheme, Black adder-like, in a nobleman's courtroom, you are perfectly free to do so. Ideally, this is in a relaxed social environment with like-minded friends with the same atmosphere of a good poker game.

The trouble is, in order to play this game, you are obliged to understand and be proficient at the underlying rules, which take up literally hundreds of pages. Creative accounting, as it were. The type of people who gravitate towards RP G's tend to be obsessive, introverted types (NEEERRRRRDDDDSSS!!!) who enjoy that type of anal-retentive detailing. That tends to drain all the fun out of it. This leads me to:

MMORPGs: World of Warcraft and it's predecessor, Everquest. If D&D is a gateway drug, than MMORPGs are crystal meth. Watching a MMORPG player, I'm reminded of a lab rat with a diode wired into the pleasure part of its brain. If the rat presses a switch, its brain is flooded with endorphins. The rat will literally starve to death pressing the switch above all its other biological concerns. (How do you kill that which has no life?)

The Lord of The Rings movies: Y'know, I tried watching the DVD of the first one of Peter Jackson's series a while back and I had to turn it off after fifteen minutes. When these came out in theaters, I felt more obliged to see them as opposed to wanting to see them. Well, I saw the first one in a theater; the other two I felt I could wait for a DVD release. It's one of those things you experience, like a six-hour German opera or a performance by a Japanese noise band. (as opposed to something you enjoy.) The point is, this is as good a movie as you're ever going to see of the whole genre. Peter Jackson, is at worst, a competent journeyman filmmaker. In watching it, you realize (well, I did...) that the genre has a ceiling to its level of entertaining an audience. As for how low it can go...

Dungeons and Dragons: the movie- In the press releases for this little cinematic turd, I was informed that the director/producer, one Courtney Solomon, spent TEN YEARS of his life getting this to the big screen. Just think about that...

"Hey, Courtney, wanna shoot some hoops?" "Naw, man, I gotta get ready for a budget meeting with some producers for my DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS movie!"

"Hey, Courtney, you goin' for that promotion at work?" "Naw, man. I quit my job to bring DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS to the big screen!!"

"Courtney, my darling. Let us make love.." "Naw, baby. DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS is my one true love!" Follow that dream, buddy. Follow that dream.

Eragon: Keeping with the spiteful and vindictive tone of this blog, I've considerately decided to pass my snidest judgement on Eragon, a movie I haven't seen and a book I haven't read. Why? It's a Sword and Sorcery trope, dur. From what I understand, it shamelessly cribs from both Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. This makes it a photocopy of a photocopy. It's a twenty-first century knock-off of those Golan-Globus direct-to-video filmed-in-Spain-where-the-actors-speak-their-lines-phonetically crapfests that came out all the time in the eighties. But why such animosity, you ask? The book was 'written' by a sixteen year old kid home-schooled by his rich parents. His publishing deal came about when his self-published novel (well, his parents published it.) fell into Carl Hiakseen's stepson's lap, who sent it to a publisher. The rest, is history.

So. Given the to-do this Chris Paolini's gotten over the success of his 'Eragon' novel, how many more Paolini wanna-bes do you think will be crawling out of the woodwork? Hundreds, if not thousands, of self-published 'novels' about noble heroes and epic quests and ferocious dragons with good hearts and dwarf comic reliefs who fall down a lot on their butts and evil wizards with long fingernails who say things like, "Now, my plan is complete!" and "Fools! You let them get away!" and "This isn't the end, Seth Trueheart!" (cause the kid who wrote the storys' first name is Seth) and fair maidens who are like, totally hot, like Trish Corscaden in like, my Math 20 class, but she's not a stuck-up bitch like Trish, and the fair maiden,(who's named Trisha) is like, a cross between Buffy on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Princess Leia and at the climax of my novel, Seth totally swings across the Cavern of Lava to rescue Trisha, and she's all like, "Oh, Seth, I love you so much I'm totally willing to overlook your acne!" and when they swing back across the Cavern Seth kinda cops a feel of Trisha's boob, but she's cool with that cuz he rescued her, and who should be facing Seth but the Inner Guard of the Lich Warlord, these five guys who totally look like the defensive line of the high school football team, and the head Inner Guard is like, Todd Ames, who pushed me into a locker last week, so he's goin' down. Then Seth totally goes Jet Li Sickhouse on their asses, and the dwarf comes in to help, and Seth's all like, "No! These ones are mine!" and then the dwarf falls on his butt, and after the side of the Cavern of Lava Seth swung back on looks like a cross between Jackson Pollock and a meat grinder, the dragon shows up and says,"Young prince, you had the power in you all along!" (cuz', you see, Seth was a lost prince of the realm all along, so he like, totally gets his own castle where he gets servants to take out the garbage and mow the lawn so his parents can fuck off) and gives Seth the fabled Bong of Eurpideis the Wise, winks knowingly, and flys off into the sunset, and Trisha totally sticks her tongue down Seth's throat, and then the credits roll,and like, Evanessence is on the soundtrack, and like, I figure, as an 'Easter egg' for dudes who stick around until after the credits are over, like, we give 'em a bonus scene, where the dwarf falls on his butt.

Fuck off, Paolini. Fuck off and die, you spoiled little shitbag.

Mann and DePalma

The Black Dahlia- DePalma's latest is an adaptation of James Ellroy's take on the famous unsolved Black Dahlia murder in post-war L.A. In spite of all DePalma's directing troupes, it still comes off as a standard pot-boiler detective thriller. It's frustrating in retrospect, how DePalma resolves the murder (corrupt landowner throws his partner a young ingenue to rape and torture as a 'reward') given that the plot winds up with so many red herrings. Also using 'Bucky' Bleichert's (Josh Harnett) point of view as opposed to 'Lee' Blanchard's (Aaron Eckhart) P.O.V. is really unfulfilling. It seems Blanchard had more at stake in the murder than Bucky, who, really, was always on the outside. Also, Hillary Swank isn't my idea of what makes a femme fatale. She's more Faye Dunaway in 'Chinatown' than Kathleen Turner in 'Body Heat'. Still, it's worth a look if at least for DePalma's stylistic touches (the discovery of Elisabeth Smart's body while Bucky and Lee investigate an unrelated case, and the perversely funny dinner with Madeline Linscott's family shot from Bucky's point of view, for example) and Dante Ferreti's production design.

The thing is, this got a real thumping in the press when it came out that I don't think it really deserved. One charge that's dogged DePalma his entire career is that he's a misogyist, since women tend to get the worst of it in his films. I don't see that as being the case with DePalma. As an audience, we're inclined to empathise more for a woman that a man. For example, in 'Dahlia', there's a scene where Elisabeth Short is seen shooting a screen test while an offscreen director (played by DePalma-the man talks in italics!) berates her. Without missing a beat, she gives him the seductress that he wants to see. In this world, Short could've had a film career if her luck had held out... I suspect that DePalma's main theme in his movies, voyerism, carries a sting in it most critics don't like to have rubbed in their face. Well, what the hell is watching a movie but an act of voyerism?

Miami Vice- If you really want to nitpick, I suppose you could make a case that Michael Mann's been making the same movie over and over again since "Manhunter". Dedicated professionals butt heads, break hearts, kill and are killed in the line of their job. The center conflict arises when the pros have to block one another's path. In Mann's case, it's a pleasure to watch him at work because he's as aware of that trap of repetition as we are. He shows us the process in which the cops chase the robbers, and the process in which the robbers elude the cops, and how both sides grant the other a grudging respect. (They'd have to, or they'd be dead.)

As proof, I'd point to "Miami Vice", which is light years in style and content from the goofy t.v. show in the 80's. I watched some episodes of that a while back and it devolved pretty quickly into self-parody. Pastel suits, anyone? In the movie's case, it's a conflict between the Miami-Dade county vice squad and multi-national drug cartels. The only reason the cartel loses is because its side blinks first. If I have any complaints, Mann's use of long takes to set a mood can slow the pace of the film down to a parody of itself, as well as kill the pacing. Also, digital video looks cheap, no matter how you shoot it. (I'll admit it worked better in Collateral than here.) Still, you got to give Michael Mann props for trying...