F.A.Q.s about the 44th president of the U.S.A.

1. No, he is not going to start a 'race war' once he takes office.

2. No, he is not also 'The King of Africa'.

3. Yes, as a matter of fact, it is a 'good thing' that a man in probably the most powerful political office in the world is not someone I would want to 'have a beer with'. I'd like to imagine he has better things to do than listen to me rant about comic books...

4. Yes, Rush Limbaugh's career is pretty much over at this point. He's one Vicodin overdose from a Tom Metzger tirade on his radio show.

5. Yes, it's the same with Ann Coulter. Alien Freak Porn is her only viable career option at this point.

6. No, white people, you will not have to go 'pick cotton in the fields' to make up for two hundred years of oppression. See point #1.

7. No, sorry. Racism is not officially 'over'. It will be officially over when America elects an openly gay president and the only compliant they have with him is, "So he picked that tie to go with that shirt for his inauguration?"

8. No, he is not backed by the Seven Jew Bankers Who Live In A Vault Eight Miles Below The Surface Of The Earth. Honestly, where do you come up with this?

9. No, his cabinet possibly appointing a 'Car Tsar' does not mean you'll have to exchange your SUV for a Trabant.

10. What does this mean for the Right in America? Glad you asked. Here's a breakdown of what's in store for 'em...

A) Karl Rove gets his old job back of sneaking into farmers' henhouses and sucking the yolk out of chicken eggs.
B) Bill O'Reiley manages to keep his composure for about a month, then while denouncing the administration's economic recovery plan on his show, bursts into a Tourette's-like tirade consisting of racial epithets until his manager kills the transmission. An attempt at an apology digs O'Reiley even deeper when, in his attempt to claim he was 'misquoted', proclaims that he when he said, "All niggers are faggots!", he really meant to say, "All faggots are niggers!". He is then ironically lynched immediately after the press conference.
C) Lt. Ellen Ripley shows up and blasts Ann Coulter out of the God-damned airlock, yet again.
D) Having failed Satan in his end of the deal that he made, Dick Cheney is unceremoniously sucked back to Hell.
E) Former President George Whatsisname makes history in becoming the first former president who conducts speaking engagements to have to pay people to hear him talk. Bush declares personal bankruptcy after only three stops on his infamous "My Bad" tour.

11.Yes, this will create a conundrum for political cartoonists, on account of the free ride that they've had for the past eight years.

12. Yes, the comparison to Lincoln is quite apt, considering that they both entered into a time when the economy was in the crapper, the states were divided, and the previous administration left this mess for them to clean up. If he breaks even, he'll be doing alright. Bonus: Michelle is no Mary Todd...

13. Yes, our prime minister, Stephen Harper, is, in fact, a dick.

Year in Review

Best T.V. series- The Wire. Yes, I realize this outs me as being whiter than mayo on Wonder Bread, but screw it. All that raving about it from whiteys from 'Salon' to 'The New York Times' actually is merited. Yes, it is the rare t.v. event that you can describe as being like a novel. (I don't want to get too pretentious, but comparisons to Les Miserable are not unwarranted in this case...) In fact, as I go through the rest of the series- I'm on season two now- I'll be commenting on it in the new year.

Mad Men was pretty good, too, though having Don Draper take an extended vacation through Los Angles put his character arc in a holding pattern that really didn't need to be there, I think. Also, there's talk that series creator Matthew Weiner might not be coming back next season, which, if true, doesn't bode well for the rest of the series...

Finally, I've jumped with both feet aboard the 'revamped' Battlestar Galactica franchise, with the Christmas bonus of seasons one and two coming my way. I'll be commenting on that in the new year as well.

Best comics- Acme Comics and Stories, by Chris Ware. Ware can do no wrong, as far as I'm concerned. I've noticed a huge Chris Ware backlash of recent, however. While he's done more to advance the vocabulary of the comics medium this side of Jack Kirby, I imagine the people who don't like his work are put off not only by the sheer effort into reading his work-seriously, you need a magnifying glass-but the overall bleak tone of his stories.

Best Movie- Wall-E. 'nuff said.

Well, 'Dark Knight' was okay, but 'Iron Man' beat it out for sheer comic book fun. Robert Downey Jr. has Christian Bale beat in the 'layabout rich kid' department, besides. (Yes, smarty-pants, I saw some 'real' movies, as well.)

Best video game- Grand Theft Auto IV. Duh. Honorable mentions: Fallout 3, LittleBig Planet (which ate up all my free time at my brother's place during the holidays.)

Guiltiest pleasure: Loveline with Dr. Drew and Stryker- It's a 'breeder' version of Dan Savage's advice column, in that there's no pretext of helping people out with, er, intimate issues, and anyone who calls up is going to get it, both barrels. Their advice seems to consist of: "Seek Professional medical attention", "Stop sleeping with that person you are sleeping with." and, "Don't worry about it. Yes, it's fucked up, but you're not hurting yourself or others so really, don't worry about it." (As a pointless aside, they had on Tom Morello, the guitarist for Rage Against the Machine, who encapsulated in a nutshell why politics in America are so fucked. In a nutshell: our man briefly worked as an aide to a senator, fielding calls from his constituents. One voter phoned the office, and wanted to know what the congressman was going to do about 'all them Messkins and Nigras' moving into her community. Morello, understandably, told her to go fuck herself and hung up. The next day, the congressman raked him over the coals for 'alienating a voter'. So Morello quit.)

New Gem in the Outhouse Dept: Virus comics, by a chap from Toronto improbably named Winston Roundtree. Unlike 99.9% of web cartoonists, he can actually draw, (his work has an Evan Dorkin quality to it) and he has a genuine point of view. Enjoy it while you can, for like all cartoonists with actual talent like Tim Krider or Tristan Farnon who foolishly put their work up on the Internet, he will eventually come to his senses and go on to do something that pays better and has more dignity attached to it. Like picking up spit from the floor of a sleazy bar with his bare hands, or biting the heads off chickens in a sideshow. For example.

Playing Catch-up...

Death Race-2008-(D-) Well, it was directed by Paul W.S. Anderson, who's essentially Uwe Boll with more money. I actually sympathize with the producers who have to work with this guy. For instance:

Paul Anderson: So let's put a big-ass eighteen-wheeler in the competition, blowing away all the other drivers, yeah?

Producer: But Paul, that makes no sense? If we have a story where a bunch of convicts are racing around a track in souped up cars trying to blast each other away, on pay-per-view... why, oh, why would the warden drop this aforementioned 'death truck' in the middle of the race, blatantly killing off all the participants? Wouldn't that be like having one team on a football field suddenly stop playing defense and start reading the newspapers that they just pulled out from under their jerseys? I don't think paying customers would appreciate such a blatant fix in the show they're watching?

P.A. Fine, you don't like it? Fire me, pay me out, and good luck recouping your money after I walk off this turd half-way through production and you go further in the hole getting this project back on track.

Pro: (sighs) Oh...kay. An eighteen wheeler, it is...

P.A. I loves my job!

Venture Brothers -Season 3 (C)

To be honest, this season's been the weakest one yet. I realize the creators Jackson Publick and Doc. Hammer felt the need to catch up on some characters' back stories, but to be honest...the audience didn't. I've noticed that the series tends to reference 'Star Wars' a lot, and I think it's picked up some of the Star Wars franchise's bad habits. Like giving us information that we didn't really need to know. We don't know how Master Billy Quizboy lost his hand and eye and we don't care to know. We don't care about Rusty's dad's inner life, or the fact Cato may have killed Jonas Sr., or yadda yadda ya. As a result, this season's been a bunch of filler episodes that don't go anywhere, and worse yet, don't let us see the characters we want to see.

Entourage- (C+) It's 'Sex and the City' for men. Well, unlike 'Sex', since it's about the trials and tribulations of an A-list actor and his friends/servants, there's an undercurrent of insecurity running through the series. Which gives it more depth than 'Sex', if just for that. Also, Jeremy Piven as the young actor's agent is a hoot and a half.

Generation Kill- (B) Even though this mini-series was produced by David Simon (of 'The Wire') and based on the award-winning book of the same name by Evan Wright, this series kinda got sunk in the ratings. I suspect the reason for that is that Americans tend to view the Iraq war with the same level of discomfort that they view a relative who's a drug-addled prostitute. Also, like the Wire, Simon brings the most clear-eyed, unsentimental view that he can to a soldier's life in the field. And by clear-eyed, I mean cynical. We see poor decisions from officers, lack of support, incompetent officers not being punished, good officers being investigated...well, it goes on. For what it's worth, the Forward Recon marines know full well what they've gotten themselves into, and it wasn't ideals like patriotism and payback for 9/11 that put them in Iraq.

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen- The Black Dossier by Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neil (C+) Like most beardos, I'm of the opinion that the last substantial piece Moore did in comics was 'From Hell', and all his work since, even his 'LoEG' stuff is kinda like a bottle of pop with the lid off. It's still pretty good, but the fizz is off, as they say. Anyways, what's interesting here is that Trey Parker, of all people, beat Moore to the punch in the exploration of the theme of how the world of our imagination is as real as the meatspace we currently inhabit. ( I'm referring to the three-parter 'Imaginationland' episodes in this season of South Park, don'tyaknow.)

What's odd in both cases how Moore and Parker, in making references to popular characters in our collective imagination, they go for the broadest, most easily digestible characters in pop culture. I can understand why 'South Park' would make references to say, 'The Cavity Creeps' from an old Crest gel commercial, for instance. But it would've been kinda nice to have Moore make a passing reference to maybe, Atticus Finch from 'To Kill a Mockingbird' or Holden Caulfield from 'Catcher in the Rye'. Heck, even Steerpike from 'Gormenghast' would've been a nice touch. The problem with keeping your references to pulp fiction characters from the turn of last century is that you're giving a new life to characters who outlived their relevance decades ago, past the point to where even the people who created them stopped giving a crap about them. More, well, 'literary' characters in the story would've made the ending monologue have that much more resonance.I did like the appearance of 'Chitty chitty Bang-Bang' in Q's labs, though. (Geddit? Ian Fleming created both of 'em...)

And while I'm here... South Park-season 12 (B-) After a decade, Parker and Stone have finally figured out that pushing their Libertarian agenda doesn't make for good entertainment, while exploring the world beyond the four main characters does. In particular, the last two episodes were my favorite, if only because they highlight what an old fogey I am becoming. I'm talking, of course, about the show's commentary on 'High School Musical' and the Goth-lite 'True Blood/ Twilight' fandom. The former's appeal, as far as I can tell, is that tweenagers love watching asexual, scrubbed teenagers sing and dance about being popular, and the latter's appeal, as far as I can tell, is that vampire teenagers are cool and sexy and melodramatic as long as they aren't, you know, having sex or drinking blood. The final episode depicts how old-school Goth kids predictably react to this Goth-lite epidemic. With sneering, passive contempt, of course. Then with Butter's help, they burn down the local Hot Topic, which as we all know, is one of the primary offenders of repackaging the discontent of youth, and then selling it back to them at a hefty mark-up.

Mad Men, Ep. 13. "Meditations in an Emergency"

With the Cuban Missile Crisis looming in the background, Sterling-Cooper's merger looms in the foreground. Betty learns she's pregnant, Don comes back home to an ambivalent Betty and a failed power grab by Duck.

-We'll be seeing a lot more of Father Gill next season, I think. I like how the writers have made him a staunch hard-liner in terms of addressing his parish, without making him out to be a hypocrite (He doesn't come onto Peggy) or an asshole. He's a rare character in

televison, the idealist who pushes his values as far as he can in the real world without coming across as naive or cruel. Any conflict that he's involved with in season 3 will examine the point at which Gill has to re-evaluate his effectiveness as a priest.

-I'm torn between Betty's dalliance with the random guy in the bar. Half of me says, "You go, girl!" and the other half is disappointed. (but not surprised.) She can't take a moral high ground against Don's cheating anymore, and with the upcoming pregnancy, she won't be inclined to stray, for at least a long while.

-The showdown between Duck and Don during the merger is like watching the coyote try to catch the road runner. Duck was so sure he could put Don on a short leash, the waves of humiliation he felt after learning Don 'Doesn't have a contract' glowed red off him. Looks like there's a new replacement for 'Office Drunk' with the abscence of Freddy Rumsen...

-"This doesn't affect the merger, does it?" quips Roger after Duck's humiliation. Oh, Roger! Always with the one-liners...

Part of the pleasure of watching "Mad Men" for me is seeing how the story unfolds on a tightrope. As I've said before, we've got likeable characters doing unlikeable things, which makes it hard to really empathise with most of them. Glimpses into Duck's home life and the incredible self-loathing he has, even has me sympathising for him a bit. (He's the closest thing, besides Jimmy Barrett, to a villian on the show.)

You, along with the main characters, can't really explain why the main characters behave the way they do, it just 'feels right'. So when Betty screws the stranger at the bar, it makes sense. When Duck abandons his beloved dog on Madison Avenue, it feels like the type of self-punishing behavior a guy like Duck would engage in. When Peggy, smiling, twists the knife on Pete informing him of their kid, it feels right. (Peggy knows more than Pete how their raising a kid together would be a really bad idea. Also, she's ruthless enough to enjoy letting him know about that little fact.)

So when the show goes through it's missteps- like the 'real Don Draper's wife' bit, for example, it's disapponting. My concern is that when viewers stop watching "Mad Men", it'll turn into a soap opera in order to regain viewers, and lose the spark it had in becoming one of the most compelling shows on T.V. right now.

GEORGE W. BUSH WINS THIRD TERM AS PRESIDENT IN SURPRISE UPSET

(AP) The 2008 presidential election ended in a surprise sweep with incumbent president George W. Bush being re-elected in an unprecedented landslide. With the Bush-Cheney ticket written in electronic voting booths by an overwhelming 98% of the American population, as well as the American citizenry voting near-unanimously to repeal the fifteenth amendment- which forbids a standing U.S. President to serve more than two terms in office-the final count came as a surprise to a populace subjected to a long, arduous process previously dominated by Republican candidate and war hero John McCain, and that Negro fellow for the Democrats.

Flanked by several members of the First Brigade of the Third Infantry, President-Elect Bush expressed his surprise and delight in the eleventh-hour decision by the American public.

"Well, now...", he chuckled to a select group of reporters from Fox news. "This is an unexpected but welcome surprise. I had no idea that the American people's faith in me as their president was so deep and abiding that they would not only vote Republican, but with one voice, demand that I and Mr. Cheney be the instrument through which America guides the world for a third, unprecedented term of office. After much deliberation, and prayer, both Mr. Cheney and I humbly accept. Thank you and God bless!"

This moving speech was only slightly marred by the unwelcome appearance of some unwashed socialist leftist types yelling incoherently about 'rigged booths' and 'scandal', but they were quickly dispatched by the police with the aid of small-arms fire, drowned out by the subsequent fireworks display and Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the U.S.A."

Reactions from the other candidates were mixed. Republican hopeful John McCain refused to comment, leaving his party headquarters in his SUV in what appeared to be, "a snit", reported Republican campaign workers. Vice-President nominee Sarah Palin appeared confused for a moment, asking everyone in earshot, "So, does this mean I'm President now? Hm?" before being ushered on a car back to a plane to Alaska, her home state.

The colored Democrat candidate evidently was so enraged that he stomped his feet and raised his voice, prompting several Homeland Security officers to usher him and his staff and family to Guantanamo Bay for not only their own protection, but to ensure America's safety and security in the transitional process ahead.

While this historic and unprecedented event raises several questions about the electoral process, most of these questions are ultimately of no importance or consequence to the American public, and as of this time, it is strongly suggested that every American refrain from pursuing any alternate lines of inquiry.

In an unrelated note, the newly-created Ministry of Plenty proudly announced that the national chocolate ration will be increased to twenty grammes per week.

Ep. 11 "The Jet Set"

While Pete sorta works in L.A., Don gets caught up by some 'Beautiful People'. Peggy's attempt to connect with Kurt brings up an awkward revelation. Duck attempts to grab the reins at Sterling Cooper.

As I mentioned last time, Mad Men has episodes that are mostly set-up, and episodes that are mostly pay-off. This'un's a 'pay-off' episode, with Kurt's revelation, Duck's revealing his true intentions at Sterling-Cooper, and Don's final line.

-When is Pete not an oaf? Sitting in his suit at the hotel pool, (and lamely hitting on girls in bikinis) and bullying the hotel bartender. He seemed pretty excited over the MIRV presentations at the Kubrick-influenced meeting room. Contrast that with Don's obvious unease.

-Don's encounter with the 'jet set'. Your first thought is that these people are way too friendly, maybe they're con-artists? The thing is, Don's too self-assured to come across as a potential mark, and while it's obvious Don has money, he doesn't have enough to make a long-con worth while. So I suppose these people are what they appear to be. That is, self-involved new-rich types who live a life of rootless privilege. It's this rootless aspect which appeals to Don, which is why he impulsively jumps into Joy's convertible to Palm Springs.

-However, even a life of rootless privilege has its costs, which is evident to Don upon the arrival of a member of the jet set hauling his kids around. (It's no coincidence they resemble Don and Betty's kids.) It's that incident, coupled with Don's passing out from heatstroke and his anxiety at the MIRV demonstration - and perhaps the glimpse of the Betty doppleganger at the episode's beginning? which makes Don place a phone call and give us the jaw-dropper of the season this far:

"Hello, this is Dick Whitman. I'd love to see you soon."

-Kurt's 'coming out' is right up there with Adam's suicide and Peggy's pregnancy as one of Mad Men's false notes. (Though Sal's reaction is priceless...) Looks like Ken, Pete and Harry are gonna be doin' some queer-stompin' in the halls of Sterling-Cooper pretty soon. Yee-haw! Seriously, though, Kurt has nothing to gain from coming out of the closet, and in all likelihood, will get booted from S.C. for being a 'pervert'. ( You can imagine a red-faced, furious Bert Cooper firing Kurt: "This company has a reputation to uphold, mister- or should I say, missy!! Why can't you be a normal man like that Salvatore in the art department?" ) The only reason I can see for it is so's Kurt can be a dramatic counterpoint to the repressed Sal in season 3.

-Duck looks to be the series' 'bad guy', with his motivations for trying to get his former employers to buy out Sterling-Cooper. (It's more to spite Don and Roger than to prove his business acumen.) The results are somewhat anticlimactic, however. Roger and Bert seem to warm to the idea right away, which makes Duck's fall off the wagon over his betrayal somewhat pointless.

Episode 10, "The Inheritance"

Betty visits her ailing father and confronts both Don and Glen, that creepy neighbour kid. Betty also makes a tentative connection with an unusual contact. Paul's girlfriend asks for a bigger commitment from him. Pete confronts his family about legacies.

-"Madmen" seems to be divided into episodes that mostly set up, and episodes that mostly pay off. (Episode 13 of last season being a 'pay-off' episode, for example.) This episode's a set-up one, with the impending trip to L.A., Pete's intent to adopt, and Paul taking a 'Freedom Train' to Birmingham with his girlfriend.

-It's Betty's story here, with her realization that for all intents and purposes, she's now an orphan. It's a tribute to the nuanced writing on this show that while Betty toys with Don and Glen, she never loses our sympathy. She's going to let Don back home, eventually. It's just a question of when. (And when she kicked Don out again, weren't you thinkin' 'You go, girl!')

-We haven't seen the last of Glen Bishop, the creepy kid of divorcee' Helen. I figured she'd be back this season. She was too prominent a character in season 1 to be pitched on the discard pile. And yes, Betty putting him in one of Don's t-shirts and combing his hair in Don's 70-30 split was intentional...

-"He has no people! You can't trust someone like that!" exclaims Betty's dad, before he mistakes Betty for his late wife in the wrongest way possible. While that statement sums up Don in a nutshell, I bet Betty lets Don back home after her father's funeral.

-Pete's Creepy Family makes an appearance, and I suspect Pete and Trudy will adopt a child, more out of Pete's need to spite than out of any desire to have a real family.

-Harry's the most morally grounded character on the show. He feels genuine guilt over his drunken office fling with secretary Hildy from last season, which Hildy smooths over during the baby shower. Remember his bit of slapstick over opening Ken Cosgrove's pay stub?

-This episode's best moment? "Well, Happy birthday!", exclaims Bert Cooper as he pops his head into the baby shower.

-Paul is rapidly becoming unlikable to me personally. His treatment of his girlfriend makes me hope she dumps him in Birmingham. ("From a Marxist standpoint, the markets dictate a colorblind society. The consumer has no color," he smugly pontificates to the black passengers on the bus.) You just know when the rocks start flying, Paul'll be hightailing it back to New York, rationalizing all the way. ("Ultimately, I can effect more change in one day in my position at Sterling-Cooper than walking a hundred miles through Georgia!", he will say, than demand a double martini from the stewardess on his first class trip back home...)