"I'd buy that for a dollar!..."

Idiocracy: My understanding is that Fox passively-aggressively released this into six theaters across America, then rhetorically shrugged its shoulders when asked why it was a flop. What we have here is social satire of the Swiftian kind masquerading as light comedy. The premise of this film is as follows: Since stupid people tend to breed more prodigiously than smart ones, the world will eventually breed out smart people, leaving morons to grow food, handle the economy, manage the justice system... you get the idea. Into this world comes a perfectly average army grunt from our times, the victim of a military hibernation experiment gone horribly wrong. (Luke Wilson-the less famous one) He comes paired with a prostitute. (Maya Rudolph) who finds that in a world where Starbucks sells handjobs instead of coffee, she makes out very well indeed. The rest of the movie deals with their struggle (well, Luke's struggle, really) to come to grips in a world where the crops are dying off because the main source of irrigation is a sports drink and not water. ("Water? You mean, like, from a toilet?")

With such a broad target as the dumbing down of our existence, however, creator Mike Judge gives us a film that is both savage and soft-centered. It feels both drawn-out and too short. I suspect giving the audience a feel-good message at the end (..."and so, Joe finally discovered that in the end, it was better to lead than to get out of the way"...) helped sell the film to Fox, but couldn't get it an audience. Kinda dumb move, all around, really.

While I'm here, I might as well point out that bemoaning the dearth of intellect in our culture has been going on since the early 50's, at least. There's a somewhat famous sci-fi story called, "The Marching Morons" by a C.F. Kornbluth which Mike Judge pretty much replicates except for the ending. And later, the Simpsons gives us an episode wherein it's revealed that Homer's stupidity is caused by a crayon in the nose poking his brain. Once the crayon is removed, Homer develops an above-average intellect. However, repelled by the crass, pandering nature of the mass culture, Homer decides to put the crayon back in his head to retain his pre-smarts bliss.

Yeah, if you're someone who put in the time to get an education and enjoys making an effort to discover new media to enrich your life, I suppose the onslaught of pandering garbage that's out there makes you want to turn up CBC Radio and take your glasses off and rub the bridge of your nose in despair. Let's not forget, however, that a little over a hundred years ago, deep thinkers honestly thought that the proletariat had no soul. And saying "Nigger" in polite company was OK. And a member of the British Parliament loudly denounced a bill to outlaw child prostitution on the grounds that if he wanted to find succor between the thighs of a ten year old girl, who's business was that between his and God's? And.. you get the idea.

My point is, people are, in incremental ways, slowly getting smarter. Yeah, yeah, not fast enough to please me, but still... And in this time, where the U.S. is stuck in a military quagmire that no one with more than two digits in their I.Q. and major stock in Haliburton thought was a good idea even in theory, when major oil companies claim there's no such thing as 'global warming', where armies of Creationists drag their knuckles across the pavement, where Paris Hilton hasn't been dragged from a nightclub and burned alive, where I can be called a 'fag' for following the traffic rules by my fellow motorists...

Hope burns eternal...

I'm rolling a d20 of hate...

...for the entire Sword and Sorcery genre- I should probably point out that beating on this genre, intrinsically, is like slapping around a eight year old girl with one hand tied behind her back. Nonetheless, I feel it is my duty to piss and moan about it, since that is why these 'blog' things were invented, innit? Here goes...

In the beginning, there was Lord of the Rings, an enjoyable bildungsroman romp by a linguistics professor at Oxford that highlighted his love of Celtic and Nordic culture. Over on this side of the Atlantic, you had Robert E. Howard cranking out pulp entertainment in the pages of 'Amazing Stories'.

In this day and age, however, the whole genre hasn't progressed much beyond that. As a genre it's generally related to the craposphere, and not without good reason. There is little or nothing you can take from it and apply to your own life. It is a vacation from life. Its primary consumers are adolescents indulging in power fantasies and blue collar types envisioning a primal world where might makes right. Also, note if you will the constant harping about the decadence of civilization. This brings me to the sword & sorcery genre as it stands now. I'd like to bounce the bitch ball off the heads of these particular offenders:

Dungeons & Dragons:The Role-playing game: What started as a side line for tabletop medieval war gamers in the sixties turned into a phenomenon in the eighties. The game allows you to role-play a character in a medieval/fantasy setting where you can pretend to be a thief, wizard, barbarian, whatever. The style of play is open-ended, in that if you wish to rob travellers on a pilgrimage, set up your own church, storm a wizard's castle, gallivant through a dungeon, or plot and scheme, Black adder-like, in a nobleman's courtroom, you are perfectly free to do so. Ideally, this is in a relaxed social environment with like-minded friends with the same atmosphere of a good poker game.

The trouble is, in order to play this game, you are obliged to understand and be proficient at the underlying rules, which take up literally hundreds of pages. Creative accounting, as it were. The type of people who gravitate towards RP G's tend to be obsessive, introverted types (NEEERRRRRDDDDSSS!!!) who enjoy that type of anal-retentive detailing. That tends to drain all the fun out of it. This leads me to:

MMORPGs: World of Warcraft and it's predecessor, Everquest. If D&D is a gateway drug, than MMORPGs are crystal meth. Watching a MMORPG player, I'm reminded of a lab rat with a diode wired into the pleasure part of its brain. If the rat presses a switch, its brain is flooded with endorphins. The rat will literally starve to death pressing the switch above all its other biological concerns. (How do you kill that which has no life?)

The Lord of The Rings movies: Y'know, I tried watching the DVD of the first one of Peter Jackson's series a while back and I had to turn it off after fifteen minutes. When these came out in theaters, I felt more obliged to see them as opposed to wanting to see them. Well, I saw the first one in a theater; the other two I felt I could wait for a DVD release. It's one of those things you experience, like a six-hour German opera or a performance by a Japanese noise band. (as opposed to something you enjoy.) The point is, this is as good a movie as you're ever going to see of the whole genre. Peter Jackson, is at worst, a competent journeyman filmmaker. In watching it, you realize (well, I did...) that the genre has a ceiling to its level of entertaining an audience. As for how low it can go...

Dungeons and Dragons: the movie- In the press releases for this little cinematic turd, I was informed that the director/producer, one Courtney Solomon, spent TEN YEARS of his life getting this to the big screen. Just think about that...

"Hey, Courtney, wanna shoot some hoops?" "Naw, man, I gotta get ready for a budget meeting with some producers for my DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS movie!"

"Hey, Courtney, you goin' for that promotion at work?" "Naw, man. I quit my job to bring DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS to the big screen!!"

"Courtney, my darling. Let us make love.." "Naw, baby. DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS is my one true love!" Follow that dream, buddy. Follow that dream.

Eragon: Keeping with the spiteful and vindictive tone of this blog, I've considerately decided to pass my snidest judgement on Eragon, a movie I haven't seen and a book I haven't read. Why? It's a Sword and Sorcery trope, dur. From what I understand, it shamelessly cribs from both Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. This makes it a photocopy of a photocopy. It's a twenty-first century knock-off of those Golan-Globus direct-to-video filmed-in-Spain-where-the-actors-speak-their-lines-phonetically crapfests that came out all the time in the eighties. But why such animosity, you ask? The book was 'written' by a sixteen year old kid home-schooled by his rich parents. His publishing deal came about when his self-published novel (well, his parents published it.) fell into Carl Hiakseen's stepson's lap, who sent it to a publisher. The rest, is history.

So. Given the to-do this Chris Paolini's gotten over the success of his 'Eragon' novel, how many more Paolini wanna-bes do you think will be crawling out of the woodwork? Hundreds, if not thousands, of self-published 'novels' about noble heroes and epic quests and ferocious dragons with good hearts and dwarf comic reliefs who fall down a lot on their butts and evil wizards with long fingernails who say things like, "Now, my plan is complete!" and "Fools! You let them get away!" and "This isn't the end, Seth Trueheart!" (cause the kid who wrote the storys' first name is Seth) and fair maidens who are like, totally hot, like Trish Corscaden in like, my Math 20 class, but she's not a stuck-up bitch like Trish, and the fair maiden,(who's named Trisha) is like, a cross between Buffy on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Princess Leia and at the climax of my novel, Seth totally swings across the Cavern of Lava to rescue Trisha, and she's all like, "Oh, Seth, I love you so much I'm totally willing to overlook your acne!" and when they swing back across the Cavern Seth kinda cops a feel of Trisha's boob, but she's cool with that cuz he rescued her, and who should be facing Seth but the Inner Guard of the Lich Warlord, these five guys who totally look like the defensive line of the high school football team, and the head Inner Guard is like, Todd Ames, who pushed me into a locker last week, so he's goin' down. Then Seth totally goes Jet Li Sickhouse on their asses, and the dwarf comes in to help, and Seth's all like, "No! These ones are mine!" and then the dwarf falls on his butt, and after the side of the Cavern of Lava Seth swung back on looks like a cross between Jackson Pollock and a meat grinder, the dragon shows up and says,"Young prince, you had the power in you all along!" (cuz', you see, Seth was a lost prince of the realm all along, so he like, totally gets his own castle where he gets servants to take out the garbage and mow the lawn so his parents can fuck off) and gives Seth the fabled Bong of Eurpideis the Wise, winks knowingly, and flys off into the sunset, and Trisha totally sticks her tongue down Seth's throat, and then the credits roll,and like, Evanessence is on the soundtrack, and like, I figure, as an 'Easter egg' for dudes who stick around until after the credits are over, like, we give 'em a bonus scene, where the dwarf falls on his butt.

Fuck off, Paolini. Fuck off and die, you spoiled little shitbag.

Mann and DePalma

The Black Dahlia- DePalma's latest is an adaptation of James Ellroy's take on the famous unsolved Black Dahlia murder in post-war L.A. In spite of all DePalma's directing troupes, it still comes off as a standard pot-boiler detective thriller. It's frustrating in retrospect, how DePalma resolves the murder (corrupt landowner throws his partner a young ingenue to rape and torture as a 'reward') given that the plot winds up with so many red herrings. Also using 'Bucky' Bleichert's (Josh Harnett) point of view as opposed to 'Lee' Blanchard's (Aaron Eckhart) P.O.V. is really unfulfilling. It seems Blanchard had more at stake in the murder than Bucky, who, really, was always on the outside. Also, Hillary Swank isn't my idea of what makes a femme fatale. She's more Faye Dunaway in 'Chinatown' than Kathleen Turner in 'Body Heat'. Still, it's worth a look if at least for DePalma's stylistic touches (the discovery of Elisabeth Smart's body while Bucky and Lee investigate an unrelated case, and the perversely funny dinner with Madeline Linscott's family shot from Bucky's point of view, for example) and Dante Ferreti's production design.

The thing is, this got a real thumping in the press when it came out that I don't think it really deserved. One charge that's dogged DePalma his entire career is that he's a misogyist, since women tend to get the worst of it in his films. I don't see that as being the case with DePalma. As an audience, we're inclined to empathise more for a woman that a man. For example, in 'Dahlia', there's a scene where Elisabeth Short is seen shooting a screen test while an offscreen director (played by DePalma-the man talks in italics!) berates her. Without missing a beat, she gives him the seductress that he wants to see. In this world, Short could've had a film career if her luck had held out... I suspect that DePalma's main theme in his movies, voyerism, carries a sting in it most critics don't like to have rubbed in their face. Well, what the hell is watching a movie but an act of voyerism?

Miami Vice- If you really want to nitpick, I suppose you could make a case that Michael Mann's been making the same movie over and over again since "Manhunter". Dedicated professionals butt heads, break hearts, kill and are killed in the line of their job. The center conflict arises when the pros have to block one another's path. In Mann's case, it's a pleasure to watch him at work because he's as aware of that trap of repetition as we are. He shows us the process in which the cops chase the robbers, and the process in which the robbers elude the cops, and how both sides grant the other a grudging respect. (They'd have to, or they'd be dead.)

As proof, I'd point to "Miami Vice", which is light years in style and content from the goofy t.v. show in the 80's. I watched some episodes of that a while back and it devolved pretty quickly into self-parody. Pastel suits, anyone? In the movie's case, it's a conflict between the Miami-Dade county vice squad and multi-national drug cartels. The only reason the cartel loses is because its side blinks first. If I have any complaints, Mann's use of long takes to set a mood can slow the pace of the film down to a parody of itself, as well as kill the pacing. Also, digital video looks cheap, no matter how you shoot it. (I'll admit it worked better in Collateral than here.) Still, you got to give Michael Mann props for trying...

End o' the Year List...

Aw, shoot. Seems I'm running out of time this year to comment on all the stuff I've seen, so I'll just hammer down and finish my list off, real quick-like...

Pirates of the Caribbean:The Black Pearl- Well, it started out as a ride at Disneyland, didn't it? No reason to ruin the ride for anyone, is there? What, you were expecting some subtext about Imperialism in the 19th century? Worth a rental, certainly...

Hannibal Rising by Thomas Harris - Boy, how the mighty have fallen. A writer who started out from the gate as among the top thriller novelists squanders his considerable skills on a run of the mill revenge thriller. Well, to be fair, cases of Chateau Y'queam don't exactly buy themselves, these days...

Click-Why Adam Sandler's overworked architect doesn't just hit the "pause" button on his literally-universal remote, get all his work done, hit "play", and spend more time with his family, is beyond me. (Besides the fact that otherwise there'd be no movie, that is...)

Cars-Everything I said earlier about "Howl's Moving Castle" by Studio Ghibli goes double for what I think about this movie. The live-action version, "Talladega Nights: The Legend of Bobby Ray" had a few chuckles...

Buddha by Osamu Tezuka-Now that it's out in cheaper paperback format, I have no excuse to not get volumes 3 to six. When you meet Carl Barks on the road, kill him.

Guitar Hero 2-or as I call it, "Kansas-Carry On My Wayward Son-simulator"; I kinda stopped trying to beat the other songs after this one. Actually, my brother got me the full guitar-and-game-disc set for Christmas, which means, since I also have 'Guitar Hero I', that I can now do GUITAR DUELS!! Hot Diggity!

Loco Roco for the PSP- Using the L and R tabs on the top of the PSP, you move a cute, singing yellow blob around a simple world. If your friends catch you playing this, they WILL call you a huge fag. They can fuck off, however, as this game is fun. And you know, the songs are kinda catchy...

The Ultimate Calvin And Hobbes Collection- An X-mas present from my sister. So now I am obliged to name my first kid after her. (She has a unisex name, so that shouldn't be a concern...) Three fat volumes in a wood case gives me all the C+H there is. What in the name of God could I possibly have to complain about in a collection like this? Well, you know me...

I would've liked to see a process of Waterson's technique, say from penciled roughs to full-sized watercolors, but given the reluctant tone of his foreword in the first volume, I suspect it was painful enough for him putting this together in the first place. Bitch, bitch, bitch, you say. Towards the end of the strip's run, the thirty-something Waterson started sounding like an elderly journeyman, sadly shaking his head at today's fallen level of standards. His protracted fight with the marketing people at the syndicate wore out his enthusiasm for the strip enough but at least when it ended, it was on his terms. I don't think we're ever going to see anything on this level of care and craftsmanship on today's funny pages. (Patrick McDonnell's MUTTS comes within the ballpark) but given the renaissance in 'art' comics, never say never...

Grand Theft Auto-Vice City Stories for the PSP-If the GTA franchise is a big fat German Chocolate cake with double chocolate filling, this is the leftover batter in the bowl.

Markosa Publishing presents: Done2Death by Andrew Foley and Fiona Staples-It's kind of a good thing this comic that drives a Hot Topic wooden stake through the 'Goth' subculture is small-time; If Andy and Fee were more high-profile, they'd be facing a Salman-Rushdie style jihad by every black-clad, pale, flabby, HIM-listening geek in North America...

World War Z: the zombie wars, by Max Brooks(son of Mel)-George Romero meets Studs Terkel.

Willams-Sonoma: The food of New Orleans (a cookbook)- Fuck you, I ain't no queer; I just like Southern cookin', is all...

Lost Girls by Alan Moore and Melinda Gebbie- Eeyeah, it's pornography, but I didn't beat off to it, in case you were wondering. (You weren't, were you?)

Downfall- German film depicting Hitler's final days. Now even Germans agree: Hitler was a jerk. Whether Mossolini did in fact, bite his 'weenie' so it did not 'work', is not a matter of public record.

El Topo by Jodrowsky-Yeah, 'shrooms are cool. I don't feel compelled to shoot a movie after eatin' them, though.

Aaaand I'm done. See you next year!

Same coin, different sides...

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip/30 Rock - So, Studio 60. It is well-written, it is intelligent, the characters relate. I find myself following the various threads in the show's plots and sub-plots. So why am I indifferent to it's inevitable cancellation? Because the way producer Aaron Sorkin portrays the behind-the-scenes at a fictional popular comedy show rings false every step of the way. In the latest episode, network owner Ed Asner reassures network exec Steven Weber that he, himself is willing to fight the FCC on a recent controversy involving their news division. (A soldier being interviewed by a imbedded newsman uttered an expletive on broadcast camera when their position was hit by an RPG. The FCC got complaints, the network is facing a hefty fine.) Steven Weber's character, Jack Rudolph, has offered his resignation as a sacrifice for the network. Ed's character, Wilson White, turns him down, pointing out, "Jack, This is the fight I've waited my whole life for!"

Now. You and I and everyone we know that the people who run a televison network are the most pusillaminous types that ever existed. Why the hell else has television been such a vast, retarded wasteland all these years? In the real world, Jack would be out before the FCC's first phone call was done. The most frustrating thing in watching 'Studio 60' is the way you know all the threads will work themselves out. I've seen enough of 'the West Wing' and 'Sportsnight' to know how producer Sorkin thinks. Let's see, the network bravely fends off the FCC, 'Studio 60' show producer Danny Tripp (Bradley Whitford) professes his love for newly pregnant studio president Jordan McDeere,(Amanda Peet) who,after some initial resistance, returns it,(during a live broadcast, no less) and visiting comic writing legend Andy Makinaw (Mark McKinney) stays on full-time after coming to grips with the death of his wife and daughter. Hell, that last part writes itself:

Matt (Danny's writing partner, played by Matthew Perry): C'mon, Andy. If it wasn't for you, the show wouldn't be knocking itself out of the park these last few episodes.

Andy: I-I dunno, Matt. That fire I had back in the day..It's getting harder and harder to light- Y'know...(he monologues) Sometimes I-I wake up in the middle of the night, and for a split second I think, Oh, thank God. Losing Kate and Andrea was just a bad dream. Then I'll look over at the empty side of the bed, and-and it'll all come back to me, y'know? How can I write about dumb jokes like Nicolas Cage's next job when my life keeps intruding? It all seems so..so..irrelevant.

Matt: Hey, man. (he reaches out to Andy, and rubs Andy's sholder in a friendly manner) This is where you belong. The show needs you. I need you. And you-(he points all around)-you need this.

Andy: I-I just...(his eyes moisten) I miss them, Matt. I miss them so much..(Matt pulls Andy to him, Andy softly weeping on Matt's shoulder. Matt looks a little uncomfortable, but soon comes back to that smug expression we all know and love...)

I wouldn't say I hated it. It's just that the characters in Sorkin's 'dramedies' function the same whether they're behind the scenes at a sports show, the White House, a sketch comedy, a Wells Fargo in nineteenth-century Wyoming, or a space station on the outskirts of Progtron 11x in the year 3030.

As for Tina Fey's show, '30 Rock', it's simply a standard sitcom. However, it's Fey's eye for detail and mood, as well as the aforementioned 'ring of truth' that makes it work. Plus, Fey's character, Liz Lemon, a nerotic single 30-something with no time for a personal life, is a nice antidote to the cute uber-women that you see all the time on T.V. these days. (including Amanda Peet.) I particularly like the dig '30 Rock' took at that standard trope in Sorkin's work, the characters following the camera around the set while they hash out their dillemas:

Liz: (after her and Kenneth, another writer, have been hashing out their problem with Tracy Jordan, their show's star) Um, where are you going? We've been walking in a circle?

Ken: Um, I was following you?

Liz: Well, I was following you!

Ken: Oh. Well, I was going that way. I'll see you later.

Prime Time Animation Special

As I've stated earlier, there are two types of prime-time animated TV shows. There's a) the Simpsons, and b) everything else. So, without further adieu, here's my take on em:

The Simpsons- I was there at the beginning, when it was that "life in hell' guy's hat into the fray of Fox television. At the time, Fox was apparently so desperate for content that they made the bumper scenes of one of the "Tracey Ullman show"(remember her? No?) into a full half hour series. It became incredibly popular right away, on account that there wasn't anything like it before on television. It was also very funny and maintained this standard for a long time. This was owing to the sensibilities of its actual father, an SNL and David Letterman graduate named George Meyer. (If you've ever used a Simpson's quote, he probably came up with the line.)

Over the years, it hasn't gone downhill as much as become the victim of inescapable inertia. In any extended narrative, sooner or later your audience is going to know all they can know about the characters, their story, and their setting, and they're just going to lose interest. It's closer to its end then its beginning; the inevitable simpsons movie is looming. The thing I wonder is, did it ever have a backlash? I recall in the first few years some people I knew were just dismissive of it, but those were the people who didn't watch television anyways. At this point, hating the Simpsons is like hating air. Or as Bart Simpson put it best: "What's wrong with television? It gives us so much and asks of us so little?"

Venture Brothers- Currently my favorite animated show. Season 2 gives us answers to questions that were brought up in season 1 (How can the Venture boys, so naive and accident-prone, survive in their father's world? Who are Dean and Hank's mom, anyway?) and answers to questions we didn't have. F'r instance, how low will Rusty go to line his pockets? (He's running about neck and neck with Eric Cartman.) How much of a schmuck is Dr. Orpheus? (Pretty big a schmuck, really.) Is any cow of classic Saturday morning cartoons sacred? (Nope.) Will Dr. Girlfriend ever find true love? (ha-ha.) It leaves us on a cliffhanger both genuine and anti-climactic. (Is Dr.Girlfriend-well, Dr. Mrs. Monarch, now, actually-carrying Phantom Limb's child?) Oh, by the way, in case you were wondering about those earlier questions... 1) They can't. They're clones. and 2) Brock's predecessor.

South Park- Honestly, I've said all I need to say about South Park in an earlier post. With the finish of season ten, two points I made need to be reinterated: When Parker and Stone have a Libertarian axe to grind, the show suffers. Also, the season's best moments have the kids just being kids.

Futurama- Matt Groning's baby. It took me a while to get into it. My problem was the same as everyone else's. The show looked enough like 'The Simpsons' that you thought you were getting "The Simpsons in the Future", which clearly wasn't the case. Once I came on board, the Fox network in its infinite wisdom passively-aggressively moved it from time slot to time slot so the dropping rating would get it cancelled. I understand that it's been picked up again, but the post-cancellation 'family guy' fiasco leaves me a little skeptical.

Sealab 2021- Adult Swim wiseacres took a forgettable Alex Toth-designed adventure series from the early 70's, and with the judicious use of Flash animation, turned it into a goof fest. Unfortunately, one of the lead cast members, Harry Goz, passed away in 2003. Since then, the show came to a screeching halt. I'd recommend renting seasons 1 to 3, and passing on anything afterwards.

Beavis and Butthead/King of the Hill- A conspiracy-minded individual might think that Mike Judge was being deliberately surpressed by the Powers That Be. Office Space was one of the sharpest satires of the American workplace that I've ever seen, only trumped by the British t.v. series, The Office. The studio involved in its production, however, seemed bound and determined to drop it down a black hole. His last film, Idiocrasy, looks to suffer the same fate. Did Beavis and Butthead piss off that many people in high places? As for King of the Hill, it's more likely to bring a wry smile to my face than outright laughs. I should point out that Judge's take on suburban American values is dead on.

Family Guy/American Dad- When Seth McFarlane came up with 'Family Guy', it was dismissed by most people (myself included) as a lame Simpsons ripoff. After I broke down and starting watching it, It occurred to me that it really wasn't that bad for the first three seasons. One advantage McFarlane had over 'The Simpsons' is that he's not required to have his characters act in an ethical manner to reassure an audience. If hypothetically, Peter Griffin, the head of the Griffin clan in "Family Guy" were to have an affair with another woman, it wouldn't be as much of a shocker if say, Marge was to cheat on Homer. Mainly because 'Family Guy' is as indifferent to its characters' inner worlds as 'The Simpsons' is conscious of its characters' inner worlds.

However, one of the reasons the Simpsons is so popular is that it's world view is meant to reassure the viewers as well as entertain them. With 'Family guy', however, the sitcom family setup is just a framework to hang jokes on. If 'Family Guy's' writers thought about the implications of their setup, the show would become like one of HBO's 'prestige' series, like 'The Sopranos'. Think about this: Brian, the family dog, is witty, articulate, and yearning for a better living situation then he has now. As a result, he turns to alcohol to numb his feelings. Meg, the daughter, is anxious to be accepted by her peer group, but realizes that she has no personality characteristics that make her stand out. Stewie, the super-genius toddler is a latent homosexual. Once you start to delve into the deeper implications of these characters, you realize that depression, homosexuality and alcoholism aren't exactly grounds for broad comedy, which is what 'Family Guy' is supposed to be. A braver and more skilled person than McFarlane could mine these situations for laughs, but you couldn't get something like that on the FOX network. (Maybe the Edward Albee or Tennesee Williams network, perhaps?..)

And after their resurrection after season 3, the writing got even slacker than before. The 'manatee' gag is a symptom of this malaise. Here's an example: One of the pre-cancellation shows had as a plot Meg's attempt to be a 'flag girl' (sort of a sub-cheerleader) on her school's football team. During her first show, some popular teens bombarded the flag girls with raw meat. Later, during family dinner, Stewie serves her some dinner,"in the manner to which you're accustomed", by flinging meat in her face. Upset, Meg runs off crying. Stewie than says, "Come talk to me when you want to learn what cool really is..", then the scene changes to one of Stewie in a tuxedo, sitting on a stool, smoking a cigarette. (He's doing a recital of Elton John's 'rocket man' in the style of William Shatner's performance of it during a science-fiction awards ceremony in the early 80's.) As cruel as I've made it sound here, It's a pretty funny bit all by itself, but if you get the reference to the Shatner bit, it's funnier. It takes the show into a weird left turn, but it still references the plot.

Not so, once season 4 starts up. You could sum up the plot in a short sentence (Brian goes on a date) with the 'manatee' gags stopping the show dead in its tracks. Every gag can be summed up thusly:THIS EVENT THAT I AM FACED WITH IS MORE AWKWARD THEN THE TIME I DID THAT RANDOM EVENT IN THE PAST THAT HAS NO CONNECTION TO MY CHARACTER OR THE STORYLINE OF THIS SHOW WHATSOEVER. OH, AND IF WE CAN STICK A REFERENCE TO 80'S POP CULTURE IN THIS FLASHBACK, THE MORE OBSCURE THE BETTER, SO BE IT. At this point it smacks more of lazy writers than a t.v. show staking its own ground. I suspect that at this point in his career, Seth McFarlane views 'Family Guy' as more of an albatross hanging around his neck than the cornerstone of his professional life.

As proof, I'd point to 'American Dad', which is what McFarlane was working on when 'Family Guy' got cancelled.It's slightly better written, leaving me to suspect that 'Family Guy' is the recipient of any leftover gags that didn't make 'American Dad'. It has 'Family Guy's' improbable cast members: Where 'Family Guy' has the urbane dog and the evil-genius baby, 'American Dad' has the effeminate space alien and the Germanic pet fish. Thing is, once McFarlane came up with them, he didn't give them anything to do, making them largely redundant.

Boondocks- It's a good thing Aaron McGruder is himself black; any cracker coming up with shit this stupid would've got dragged out of his studio by the scruff of his redneck by Jesse Jackson and rightfully tarred and feathered.

Korgoth the Barbarian-This is, in animated form, the barbarian in a post-apocolyptic wasteland comic me and my friends drew in high school. (If you're under twenty-five and reading this, you and your friends probably drew manga crap. You're missing out, my young friend...) And unlike my efforts, it is awesome. When Korgoth (voice of Deidrich Bader from the Drew Carey show, perfect in every way) rips the skin from an aggressor by his pony-tail, throws alcohol on the exposed flesh, then sets it on fire, I howled like a baboon. And so will you. My only concern is that Adult Swim is still on the fence about it's existence as a series. C'mon, Adult Swim! This could be the greatest moment in your lives! What are you, homos? Fuck... If you'll excuse me, I'm now going to put on my jean jacket with my "Iron Maiden" logo sewn on, hop into my Mustang, blast classic "Led Zep" on my ipod and head to the nearest high school parking lot, smoking DuMaurier cigs and looking cool.

Metalocolypse, 12 oz. Mouse, Tom Goes to the Mayor- Kind of an act of aggression against an audience. If we make these shows unfunny, that's funny, right? You get the impression the mindset behind these is like a teenager forced to do a tedious chore around the house. "If I do a bad enough job on this, they'll never ask me to do it again!" Sure showed me, anyways.

Ren and Stimpy: the Lost Years-Series creator John Kricfalusi's constant harping against studio interference with his work has made him a pariah in the animation industry. And not without good reason. When Spike TV brought him on board, their order of 'Do what Thou Wilt' gave him what he wanted all along. Trouble is, John K. can't tell a story to save his life. And imagine the face of the t.v. exec who greenlit him. "It's crap, it's late, and it's over budget? Oh, this was a GOOD idea!" At this point in his career, any producer who considers dealing with him is going to see him as a bigger liability than an asset. All he's managed to do in his professional life is prove to t.v. execs that keeping creative control in their hands was the right thing to do all along...

Robot Chicken- Stop-motion blackout gags using action figures ("For the last time, they are not DOLLS!") as cast members. It's at it's best when it uses the actual B and C-list celebrities to comment on their own status quo. Creators Seth Green and Matthew Senrich keep the pace short and fast. Which is good, since the skits that go over a few minutes get really tedious. I understand that Senrich was responsible for those 'action figure photo-funnies' you'd see in Wizard magazine. Which was the only good part of that particular waste of trees.

SNL TV Funhouse- To me, Robert Smiegel, the creator of 'TV Funhouse' is one of the sharpest minds working in comedy today. He operates by way of a mental judo; he uses corporate entertainment's thoughtless use of catchphrases and hype against it that in a precise way that is fresh and startling. His 'Triumph the Insult Comic Dog' took the piss against such worthy targets as Bon Jovi and 'Star Wars' geeks.

In 'TV Funhouse', he uses the idioms of hacked-out commercial fare to comment on the way entertainment conglomorates force crap down our throats. The throwaway shorts like "The Ambiguously Gay Duo" and "Shazang" are pretty good, too. I'd like to take a moment, however, to highlight a couple of his masterpieces, "Behind the Disney Vault" and "Conspiracy Theory Rock".

"Conspiracy Theory Rock" uses the framework of those old "Schoolhouse Rock" cartoons to depict the connection General Electric and NBC have, and how G.E. exerts pressure on NBC to serve its own interests, contrary to the public good as they are. The thing is, this is the type of information you can get from the Nexus/Lexus database, and not from some nutbag with a website. Not surprisingly, the cartoon is abruptly cut off two-thirds of the way in...

"Behind the Disney Vault" turns around the skeevy stunt Disney pulls when it releases its classic films for a short while, then 'throws them into the Disney vault forever' or at least until Disney releases a new 'special-SPECIAL edition' four months later. Mickey takes two kids into the Disney vault, where they discover that Walt Disney not only froze his own head, but that of Vivian Leigh. (She was already dead!!) Plans for Disney's Civil War theme park (this is true, by the way...) and a bound and gagged Jim Henson (He wouldn't sell!) are also revealed. And of course, the version of "Song of the South" that Jew-hating, HUAC- ass-kissing, union-busting Unca Disney played at parties...(Zip-a-dee-doo-dah! Zip-a-dee-ay! Negros are inferior in every way...)

Four for Wednesday

Superman Returns- Seems more like the sequel to an earlier Superman movie starring Brandon Routh than, you know, a real movie. He's a little too, er, 'pretty' to make an effective Superman, too. Since we're dropped in the middle of the whole story, it's up to us to play catch-up. Superman's speech about 'the father becomes the son' rings hollow, since the whole movie is dependent on us all developing a deep emotional bond with the characters. The trouble is, since these are all new interpretations of the Superman icons, we don't have any chance to develop the connection we need with the characters. Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor is pretty cool, though. Nobody does passive-aggression and the 'slow burn' in the way he does it. That final scene with him and his gun moll seems more like a bit of business thrown in to please a focus group. Also, the aforementioned gun moll's second thoughts about Luthor's plans doesn't go anywhere, does it? In the original, we at least had Valerie Perrine save Superman's bacon then pleading, "My mom lives in Hackensack"...

That's My Bush-Trey Parker and Matt Stone's homage to cheeseball 80' sitcoms. In watching it's faithful replication of those old sitcom plot chestnuts,(hero has to be in two places at the same time, hero has to get a new job, opposing characters are trapped together to resolve their differences, etc.) I'm reminded of the movie, "Permanent Midnight", starring Ben Stiller. It's based on a true story by a sitcom writer(Jerry Stahl) and his struggle with heroin addiction. I've never seen that movie, but something had occurred to me. Here you have a person stuck in the depths of a grim drug abuse problem which, from all accounts will destroy not just your life, but your personality. Your existence will consist of A) stealing,lying, robbing and selling your body to obtain money to purchase heroin with. B) finding a dealer who is 'holding' and getting the junk. C) shooting up and having a very brief window of respite from the pain and misery your junkie lifestyle has become before cycling back to A. Above.

Now, in "Permanent Midnight", the Stahl character does all this and STILL manages to crank out scripts for "Alf","thirtysomething", and "Moonlighting". Doesn't that tell you all something about the level of standards in television script-writing? As for "That's my Bush", it's funny, but I suspect the premise ran dry about the time they came up with the last episode. Which is fortunate, since 9/11 happened about this time in history, which would put Parker, Stone, and Comedy Central in an awkward position, to say the least.

Casino Royale-Blonde. James Blonde. A reimagining of the Bond franchise, and not a moment too soon, I'd say. Honestly, if they kept going the way they were, Brosnan would've had to fly to Mars without a spacesuit and shoot laser beams from his eyes. In casting Daniel Craig, they've found a Bond closer to the one depicted in Ian Fleming's books ('a face like Hoagy Carmichael') than any of the blandly handsome fellows of the last two decades. Not that Brosnan and Dalton stunk, mind you, but they seemed more like 'placemarker' Bonds than the real deal. Plus, the scripts haven't been this down to earth since From Russia with Love. (If you haven't guessed by now, I'm a Connery-as-Bond kinda guy.) I'll give Craig his day in court, but I'll hold off final judgment on him 'til the next film. Hope they don't re-do 'Dr. No'.

Brick- Film Noir shot as indie film teen drama. It's closer in tone to 'Bugsy Malone' then 'River's Edge'. The thing is, the way it's shot seems more like a conceit than an actual working premise. Two things about the classic Noir drama one must keep in mind: The plot needs a 'gotcha' at the end to tie all the loose threads together("You're good, sweetheart, Real good. But you forgot that in playin' everyone else, ya also played yerself...") and secondly, we need to feel a genuine connection to the characters. There's a reference to an earlier case the protagonist handled on behalf of the 'authorities'(in this case, the school principal) which hints at some lost innocence in him.("I gave you Jerr to see him eaten, not to see you fed.") but the whole story seems more like an exercise by a high-school drama club as opposed to a real story where there's something at stake.