GEORGE W. BUSH WINS THIRD TERM AS PRESIDENT IN SURPRISE UPSET

(AP) The 2008 presidential election ended in a surprise sweep with incumbent president George W. Bush being re-elected in an unprecedented landslide. With the Bush-Cheney ticket written in electronic voting booths by an overwhelming 98% of the American population, as well as the American citizenry voting near-unanimously to repeal the fifteenth amendment- which forbids a standing U.S. President to serve more than two terms in office-the final count came as a surprise to a populace subjected to a long, arduous process previously dominated by Republican candidate and war hero John McCain, and that Negro fellow for the Democrats.

Flanked by several members of the First Brigade of the Third Infantry, President-Elect Bush expressed his surprise and delight in the eleventh-hour decision by the American public.

"Well, now...", he chuckled to a select group of reporters from Fox news. "This is an unexpected but welcome surprise. I had no idea that the American people's faith in me as their president was so deep and abiding that they would not only vote Republican, but with one voice, demand that I and Mr. Cheney be the instrument through which America guides the world for a third, unprecedented term of office. After much deliberation, and prayer, both Mr. Cheney and I humbly accept. Thank you and God bless!"

This moving speech was only slightly marred by the unwelcome appearance of some unwashed socialist leftist types yelling incoherently about 'rigged booths' and 'scandal', but they were quickly dispatched by the police with the aid of small-arms fire, drowned out by the subsequent fireworks display and Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the U.S.A."

Reactions from the other candidates were mixed. Republican hopeful John McCain refused to comment, leaving his party headquarters in his SUV in what appeared to be, "a snit", reported Republican campaign workers. Vice-President nominee Sarah Palin appeared confused for a moment, asking everyone in earshot, "So, does this mean I'm President now? Hm?" before being ushered on a car back to a plane to Alaska, her home state.

The colored Democrat candidate evidently was so enraged that he stomped his feet and raised his voice, prompting several Homeland Security officers to usher him and his staff and family to Guantanamo Bay for not only their own protection, but to ensure America's safety and security in the transitional process ahead.

While this historic and unprecedented event raises several questions about the electoral process, most of these questions are ultimately of no importance or consequence to the American public, and as of this time, it is strongly suggested that every American refrain from pursuing any alternate lines of inquiry.

In an unrelated note, the newly-created Ministry of Plenty proudly announced that the national chocolate ration will be increased to twenty grammes per week.