Notes on Madmen: Season One, part three...

Ep. 11 "Indian Summer"

-Adam Whitman's suicide. It seems a bit too melodramatic, given that we don't know that much else about the character. It's a too easy way to get the character out of the series, isn't it? I'm starting to wonder if the real Don Draper's family is gonna start looking for him...

-The blunt way Peggy gets the 'weight-loss device' assigned to her to write copy for. She discovers it has other, er, benefits to it...

-"Red, you are the finest piece of ass I ever had, and I'm glad I got to roam those hills!" Roger's statement to Joan as she's doing his face is both bizarre and touching...

-Betty's 'distraction' while against the washing machine. (She's fantasizing about the pushy young air conditioner salesmen that Don chewed her out for letting into the house earlier.) The song playing on the soundtrack while she's lost in her um, reverie is "Agua de Beber" ("Water to Drink") by Astrud Gilberto.

-Bert Cooper's formal offer to Don to make him a partner. Bert offers to introduce Don to Ayn Rand. (I kinda hope we get to see her...)

-Pete gets a package meant for Don. (It's from Adam...)

Ep. 12 "Nixon vs. Kennedy"

-This one's a pivotal episode, in which we get Don Draper's 'origin story', if you will. In the transformation from Dick Whitman, Army private who wets himself when fired upon, to king of New York, Don Draper, he finds that trading up your identity has some immediate benefits, as the young woman who offers him a drink makes clear. The cost, leaving behind a younger brother who idolizes him, doesn't become evident until much later.

-I love how the theme of Draper's secret being unmasked is treated as anticlimactic. It's Campbell's fate that the stick he thought he had to hit Don with has absolutely no effect whatsoever on Bert Cooper. Don's panicking and running to Rachel to leave with her to Los Angeles comes to nothing. Did Don seriously think she was going to take him up on his offer? As I said earlier, a lesser series would drag Don's fear of being unmasked throughout the whole run. Once it's settled here, there's other avenues it can take which can surprise both the audience and the creators of the show...

Ep. 13 "The Wheel"

-"Nostalgia - it's delicate, but potent. Teddy told me that in Greek, "nostalgia" literally means "the pain from an old wound." It's a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn't a spaceship, it's a time machine. It goes backwards, and forwards... it takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It's not called the wheel, it's called the carousel. It let's us travel the way a child travels - around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know are loved."

Don's using his own life to sell product, with emotionally devastating results. (He has a giddy fantasy of going with his family to her parent's place. The episode ends with Don all alone, his head in his hands.) It's a powerful scene.

-Another touching scene is Betty's meeting with the weird kid of Helen Bishop, the divorced neighbour. "Please tell me everything's going to be okay..."

-Peggy's casual cruelty towards the voice actress during the readings wins her the respect of Ken Cosgrove. (That whole scene was hard to watch...)

-Peggy's pregnancy and Adam's suicide were, for me, the only false notes of this season. They have kind of a soap-opera feel to them, and in a series like this, where subtlety and nuance run the show, even if they're going to have repercussions later on... Well, they come close to throwing me out of the show.

Season Two, ep. 1 "For those who think young" notes.

-I nearly shat a walrus when in the middle of Betty and Francine gleefully/horrified-ly discussing the fate of Betty's old roommate- she's a prostitute- I realized that Francine is in fact, Heartless Bitch from the last season of House! Betty's flirting with the mechanic to fix her car for two-thirds cheaper makes us think how excited her former roommate's profession has made her, especially after her failed tete-a-tete with Don in the New York Savoy, no less.

-Funniest scene in the show: the montage showing various cast members reacting to Jackie Kennedy's T.V. tour of the White House. Joan is enthralled, as is Salvatore. (Is he married now?) Don is-meh, and then we cut to Pete Campbell, eating his wife's Valentine chocolates whilst watching a kid's sci-fi program. Pete reminds me of Dave Foley, during his 'Kids in the Hall' phase.

-Is it just me, or is Duck Phillips turning out to be a douchenozzle? His confrontation with Don had a little more acrimony in in than I'd think necessary...

-the running theme of youth: Don and Peggy's angle to pitch to the airline people, the younger-than-they-look new writers, Pete watching T.V., the young, pretty First Lady on the T.V.

-Was Peggy being helpful to Don's new secretary, or was she just passing the bitch ball along in frustration? Note how Joan demands the other office girl call Peggy, "Miss Olson". Then Joan moves the new Xerox machine into Peggy's office, much to Peggy's consternation.

-Remember Don's annoyance over the V.W. ads from last season? With the younger ad men being interviewed-I'm sure those two prospects were boyfriends-, the younger men in the elevator making crude jokes and one not taking his hat off when a woman enters the elevator, and the doctor telling Don to watch his smokin' and drinkin' (Note how Don spitefully eats a big, fat, egg and sausage breakfast in the bar.) Don seems about to have a coronary over his advancing age.

Notes on Madmen: Season One, part two...

Ep. 6 "Babylon"

-This episode opens with Don's accident of slipping down his stairs, and smacking his head on the floor. This brings up a remembrance of his past as a little boy when his younger half-brother was born. Whom he rejects.

-Betty talks about her desire for Don, both physical and spiritual.

-Roger's wife and daughter pop by the office to visit Roger, who's with Don and Joan. While Joan escorts Roger's daughter off to make a hair appointment, Roger expresses some concern over his daughter's lack of motivation. This concern continues as Roger, half-dressed in a hotel, expresses his feelings towards his daughter to his mistress, who turns out to be Joan.

-In trying out lipstick for a new client, Peggy discovers her knack for clever word smithing (Basket of Kisses) which leads her career down a different path.

-Hell of a lot of characters exchanging trivia in this episode. (Betty and Don, Don and Rachel, the junior ad execs.) I notice the characters also use etymology to define words and their roots. It's another leitmotif through the series, particularly coming to the fore at the series' end.

Ep. 7 "Red in the Face"

- The big issue in this episode is Roger's not-so-subtle flirting with Betty, much to Don's contempt. We're still in the era, mind you, where if you couldn't sweet-talk 'em into your bed, chasing them down was an acceptable alternative. Don's revenge is to make the unhealthy Roger eat a shit-load of oysters with his martini lunch and walk up twenty flights of stairs (Don paid off the elevator boy to shut down the service.) Roger barfs up his vodka and oysters in front of the client.

-More of Pete's emasculation continues as he tries to return a wedding gift. (It's a Chip-N-Dip, the name itself castrates Pete every time he says it.) After an awkward encounter with a former school chum, ("Hey, it's Humps the Camel Campbell!") Pete tells the sales girl at the return counter that the guy has the clap. He gets a BB gun in exchange, much to his wife's extreme displeasure. (He is such a child...)

Ep. 8 "Hobo Code"

-One of my favorite episodes in the series. Don's past is revealed in a flashback to when he was a young boy and a hobo came to visit. Though a bum, the man is thoughtful and well spoken,and makes an impression on young Dick. Particularly the monologue to Dick about just pulling up and moving on. After being shabbily treated by Dick's step-father, the hobo leaves a 'hobo mark' on his family farm that says, "A dishonest man lives here." The scene ends with present-day Don waking up his son and assuring him he will never lie to him.

-Peggy's success on writing copy for the lipstick company leads to some acrimony with Joan and especially Pete. (At an after-work celebration, Pete sulks while Peggy dances around. "I hate seeing you like this!", he complains. What, happy?)

-Don's break-up with Midge when he realizes she's in love with one of her beatnik/hippie friends. Though he offers her his five-thousand bonus as an incentive for her to run away to Paris with him, she turns him down. Don endorses the cheque to her anyways, then walks out of her life, at least for the rest of the season. (As he leaves, one of the beats warn him that the cops are outside, and 'he can't go out there, man!" "No." responds Don. "You can't." The police politely greet Don as he leaves Midge's apartment.

As an aside, I've noticed that some people out there in Internet land are complaining that the hipsters in this series are drawn in too-broad strokes, like casting the cartoon Maynard J. Krebs in a John Updike story. This is a misreading. What these people are, are not particularly committed to the Jack Kerouac-Henry Miller outsider-artist. They like the bohemian lifestyle, and the lack of responsibility that goes along with it, but none of them have any particular insight or creative talent, except for Midge. And she's as much a part of the commercial creative world as Don is, her cynical asides notwithstanding. (The lack of talent on display is evident in the performances at the coffee shop that Don gets dragged to by Midge...) Don crumbles one guy's typical complaints about Don being 'The Man' with Don pointing out that there is, in fact, no big system controlled by 'The Man' and no 'Man', at all. ("Aw, man! Why'd you have to bring me down like that?")

-Salvatore's encounter with the lipstick sales rep. I understand the actor Bryan Batt is gay himself, I'm not sure a straight actor could've pulled off such a subtle performance. Watch his face light up as he considers the other man's offer. I suspect Salvatore is so in the closet, he doesn't know he's gay himself...

Ep. 9 "Shoot"

-Betty goes through an interesting arc this episode. A rival ad firm is courting Don, and to sweeten the pot, they offer Betty a modeling job for Coca-Cola. Obviously, she's delighted to recapture her modeling days and Don reluctantly allows it. After Don sees the proofs, he turns down the ad firm's offer, so they fire Betty. The episode ends with the frustrated Betty shooting at the neighbor's doves to his horror. I love the insolent way her cigarette dangles from her lips as she takes aim at the birds.

-Betty's nostalgia for her modeling days, working for a guy named Gianni. She gleefully models some dresses of his for her friend, Francine.

-Betty's meeting with Dr. Wayne, the shrink."You're angry at your mother," She gets defensive after he comments on her mother's disapproval of her modeling career. "She wanted me to be beautiful so I could find a man -- there's nothing wrong with that."

-Pete's clever way to counter the Kennedy ads. (Sterling Cooper's working for Nixon.) Inspired by an anecdote about throwing a funeral for his frat's mascot dog, he buys up t.v. space in states like Illinois, so the Kennedy promoters will have to put JFK on the radio over there. It's obvious he has strong feelings for Peggy, as evidenced by him sucker-punching Ken Cosgrove after Cosgrove makes a comment about Peggy.

-Tensions seem to be rising between Joan and Peggy.

Ep. 10 "Long Weekend"

-Betty's resentment over her father's new girlfriend.

-Don's outburst over the agency losing the Dr. Scholl's account.

-Joan comparing her and Roger's affair to Shirley Maclean's situation in "The Apartment".

-Joan's roommate's clumsy pass at her, and Joan's ruthless rebuff of her.

-Roger's 'after-hours' party with Don and the two twins. It takes a creepy turn when we see Roger riding one of the girls like a horse. (Don and the girl's sister look very uncomfortable.) You feel almost glad when Roger gets a heart attack...

-For the first time in the series, Don opens up to Rachel (and us.) who's he's started getting physical with. His mother was a prostitute, and when she died in childbirth, they delivered the baby to his father and his wife. His father was a drunk who got kicked in the face by a horse. When he died, his step-mother took up with another man. The last lines: "I was raised by those two sorry people."

Notes on Madmen: Season One...

So, for the next few days, I'm gonna inflict my impressions of season one of 'Madmen', AMC's offering to the increasingly crowded 'Prestige Series' T.V. Shows that's coming up on the cable channels. Mainly 'cause I just gots me the DVD of Season one, and repeated watchings of it by me have convinced me that it's now a solid 'A' in my book. So there.

Episode 1: -"Smoke gets in your Eyes"

- I think the scene with Don asking the black waiter his opinion on cigarettes is vital as it: shows Don actually listens to people and doesn't care about their social status in regards to their opinion.

-Don pulling 'It's Toasted' out of his ass at the Lucky Strikes meeting, then ripping a strip off Pete Campbell for blatantly stealing the research material Don had rejected earlier.

- Joan's (Christina Hendricks) ass in that dress! Sweet Merciful Jesus!

- the casual Antisemitism of Roger and Don. ("Any Jews in the office?" "Not on my watch!")

-reference to Freud with the German (female) psychologist. The 'death wish'

-the ads in the background show that Sterling Cooper is a very traditional company. The ads are safe and boring. Compare and contrast with the upcoming VW ads.

-Peggy's interaction with the doctor- He's judgmental, condescending towards her getting birth control.

-Joan showing Peggy around Sterling Cooper. The characters all tear her appearance apart.

-The giddy excitement the junior ad execs have to Pete's 'Bachelor Party', and the actual, boring party at the strip club. (A flabby woman does the most unerotic striptease in the background, while the ad execs try to convince themselves they're having a great time. Campbell lamely tries to flirt with a secretary, with awkward results.)

-I love Sal's line at the strip club, and the Automat girl's confused reaction.

-Rachel's smooth negotiation of the awkward meeting with Sterling Cooper. Sparks fly between Rachel and Don. "I'm not gonna let a woman talk to me like this!" Rachel and Don make a connection over the dinner later. I suspect because they both feel like interlopers into the American Dream. (Rachel is Jewish, and a woman, and Don is well, Don.) She disarms him with her comment about his fear, and that's what sparks his attraction to her...

-the constant coughing during the Lucky Strike meeting.

-We see when Don pulls the Lucky Strike meeting out of its dive to pitch the 'It's toasted' line, that this is really him. Don's success as an ad man comes from taking himself into the ad. This has deeper meaning at the last show, when he pitches the Kodak product.

-Don's treatment of Peggy shows that he is a man of his time. He has a code, and he sticks to it. he doesn't poo where he eats.

-Pete's initial character unfolds. A smarmy, unctuous little weasel who makes no bones about wanting Draper's job. Draper smacks him down, twice. "Let's take it slow. I don't want to end up pregnant in the morning.." Pete mutters, "Fuck you." under his breath. Pete clumsily seduces Peggy near the episode's end.

-the show's end reveals that Don is married and has a beautiful wife and two kids at home. We see Don's been interacting with a mistress, a secretary, and a client all this time. He's got a family, as well? What a cad...

Ep. 2- "Ladies Room"

-Don and Betty have dinner with Roger Sterling and his wife. Betty's hands stop working.

-Peggy's troubles with the men at the office.

-After a minor accident with her kids, Betty starts seeing the shrink, much to Don's dismay.

"We're all so lucky to be here."

-Don's mistress and how she helps him with the aerosol campaign-accidentally...

The central theme of this season, which hits home like a hammer in the final show, is nostalgia. However, it's for a nostalgia that never existed in the first place. I think everyone in this series has a yearning for something else.

Ep. 3 -"Marriage of Figaro"

Don meets an old army buddy-calls him 'Dick Whitman'? Don's look of disgust says it all.

-Doyle-Brumberg's VW ad has the office in a state of grudging respect-Roger and Dan get defensive-the landscape is changing.

-Pete comes back from his honeymoon-he's like a kid playing grown up. You can tell by the stilted language he's using to describe it to the other ad execs.

-the dead wife joke before the meeting with Rachel-she's on the ball, the ad guys aren't. Another misogynist joke during the kid's party.

-Don hangs out with Rachel at her store-a seduction begins-is Rachel seducing Don, or vice versa? the dolphin cuff links, a leitmotif.

-"Am I supposed to live some life running alongside yours?" -Rachel.

-Don's daughter's birthday party-the divorced neighbor gets henpecked behind her back, one of the neighbors slaps a kid(not his) for running and breaking something in the house, kid's dad makes kid apologize to the neighbor. Don goes through a six pack in an hour putting his daughter's playhouse together, gulps down alcoholic punch like it's, well, punch. Pregnant neighbor smokes, drinks alcoholic punch.

-Don gives Divorced woman's kid a BB gun to play with. The Divorced Neighbor coolly rebuffs a man's advances. Later she makes a connection (non-flirtatious) with Don. Don goes to get the cake, doesn't return for a while. sits in car by train tracks, contemplating his life. comes back with puppy for daughter.

Ep. 4. "New Amsterdam"

-the junior ad execs listen to Bob Newhart in Pete's office. Pete's wife takes him to lunch, and by lunch I mean takes him to look at apartments in Manhattan. Pete's protesting that he can't afford it falls on deaf ears.

-Rachel and Don meet again. Rachel rebuffs Don.

Betty meets D.W. ex husband. The divorcees' need for a last minute babysitter puts Betty in the position of looking after her weird son. He watches her pee in the toilet, then asks for a lock of her hair. Betty's so desperate for a connection, she gives him the hair he wants.

-Pete and Don hit loggerheads over the Bethlehem Steel contract. Don suspects Pete unsold the client on the original idea.

-Pete's interactions with his parents and his wife's parents show just how emasculated he is in his life.

-Pete's attempt to assert himself by pitching copy to the Bethlelem Steel client behind Don's back gets him fired from Sterling Cooper. A conference with Bert Cooper reveals that Pete's family, though not as rich as they were, has a certain cachet for Sterling Cooper. Which saves his job. (I suspect Pete is aware of this on some level, and the fact that his family name and not his work saved his job only adds to the resentment Pete feels...)

-God, I love that cigarette dispenser in Roger's office.

-Pete and his wife's family meet the co-op board. It's obvious they're getting the apartment on the cachet of Pete's family name, much to Pete's chagrin, again. The episode ends with Ella Fitzgerald's "We'll take Manhattan" playing ironically over the credits.

What started to happen here is when my interest in Mad Men really started to grow. Initially, Don's character piqued my interest. Then, as the series progressed, we start to see our initial impressions of the characters, even the secondary ones, start to change. Peggy sleeps with Pete probably because she wants to be a sophisticated working gal in Manhattan, and gettin' boned by ad execs, well, that's just something sophisticated Manhattan gals just do. (We see she's taking Joan's advice to heart in more ways than one.)

This episode is also where I started to empathize with Pete. He's under pressure on all fronts to live up to his family name. You get the impression, given his father's disproving take on his career choice, and his wife's desire to have both a Manhattan apartment and a baby, that being a slimy little weasel is the only choice he has in life.

Ep. 5 "5G"

Don and Betty come back from an awards ceremony; Don's award is a horseshoe on a plaque, mounted prongs up so the luck doesn't run out. Hungover the next morning, Don heads to the bathroom and slams the door. The horseshoe comes loose, and the prongs point down.

-Ad exec Ken gets a short story published in the Atlantic Monthly, inspiring resentment among the other execs, including Pete.

-Peggy overhears Don's conversation with Midge, his mistress.

-scene with Don and Midge making pillow talk abruptly switches to Pete in bed with his wife while she reads his short story. (He's like a little kid, eating snacks in bed.) Pete tries to get his wife to use her connection of an ex-boyfriend in the publishing industry to get his story published.

-Peggy drops a bomb from Don's past during a meeting. We see his past in a meeting with his younger brother, Adam Whitman. The scenes with his brother are painful. Don's face is in agony for the rest of the morning. This revelation about Don's hidden past, in a lesser series, would become an engine driving tension in the series.

-Peggy reveals her confusion to Joan when Betty and the kids show up for a photo portrait

-Pete's wife gets him published in "Boy's life", an act that greatly disappoints him. It's his wife's way of keeping him in line...

-"Adam, my life goes in only one direction: forward." Don's final scene with his brother shows us how lost he really is. He tries to pay off Adam to stay out of the life of Don Draper, an act that has lethal consequences...

JOSS WHEDON AND THE DEAL WITH AIRLINE FOOD

Dr. Horrible's Sing-along Blog- (B) While I'm not officially sick of the 'deconstructed Super-hero' genre, it's starting to wear out its welcome. Not unlike at some point in the distant past when stand-up comedians actually were being funny asking about why airline food was so crappy. I think it was this season of Venture Brothers which started to turn me off it. (Don't get me wrong, I still like it, it's just that I'm starting to see as many vague 80's pop culture references in it as in an episode of 'Family Guy'. ) And once the movie version of "Watchmen" comes out, I will be officially sick of that genre.

Joss Whedon's take on it, though, squeezes some juice out of the genre in his tale of a love-sick supervillan. Actually, this three act web-broadcast is like distilled Whedon. You've got Whedon's mix of comedy with pathos, sometimes in the same sentence. And, to top it off, it's a musical! (That saves it from being yet another take on the 'deconstructonist super-hero genre.) And you know, the songs are okay, in a Stephen Sondheim-y way. (I just Whedon-ized my post! Ha!)

What's worth discussing is the media it's distributed in. It came out as a three part web broadcast. (Whedon and friends came up with it during the writer's strike this past spring.) And so far, it looks like a hit. (It's the top seller on Itunes.) So, on the surface, it looks like web-episodes are a viable way to make money over the net, while bypassing the studios. Well, for the likes of Whedon, J.J. Abrams, David Chase, and Ronald Moore, maybe. That is, T.V. creators with an established, successful track record who've already got enough money to 'put on a show with some friends'. (I can't see someone like David Simon or Matthew Weiner doing web broadcasts independently of a studio...)

Interviews with Whedon tell us that he made it for 'the low six figures' and called in a bunch of favours from friends to make it. I'd like to see more of this sort of thing, but I suspect we're gonna get a bunch of even-lower production value stuff put out over the net by frat-boy nobodys who get an audience of their friends and no-one else. And they go broke putting it on. So, again, the only people who are in a practical position to produce this sort of thing on a consistent basis that's even capable of making a profit are... the studios.

Why I Don't Play Dungeons & Dragons Anymore...

Why I Don't Play Dungeons and Dragons Anymore: A Short Film.

Cast: Brian, a skinny kid with glasses and an unruly mop of black hair.
Mark, a skinny kid with glasses and very bad acne.
Dean, a chubby kid with glasses
Kevin, an Asian kid with glasses
Mr. Pasternak, Dean's father
Two Police officers
Various background cast, some in pajamas and housecoats

THE SCENE FADES UP TO A SEMI-FURNISHED BASEMENT. THE FOUR YOUNG BOYS ARE GATHERED AROUND A CARD TABLE, ON WHICH VARIOUS ROLE-PLAYING BOOKS, PAPERS, DICE AND LEAD FIGURES ARE SPREAD OUT ON. A COUPLE OF BAGS OF CHIPS AND CHEETOS ARE WITHIN REACH, AS ARE SEVERAL BOTTLES OF SODA. DEAN HAS A LAPTOP IN FRONT OF HIM, WHICH HE IS CONCENTRATING ON AS THE SCENE FADES IN. THE SOUND FADES UP TO DIALOGUE:

Dean:
...okay, so finally you've gotten past the town guards and are in the-

Mark:
(interrupting) I still don't see why I couldn't smuggle a dagger through!

Dean:
You got searched by a third level mage! He would've detected your dagger, and he wouldn't let you into the town!

Kevin:
Right! Your barbarian was being a dick, as it was, Mark!

Mark:
(throwing up his hands) pffft! That baron had better give us weapons as well as a map to rob his rival!

Dean:
Well, first you guys gotta get to the tavern and find the baron's servant.

Brian:
(shuffling through a notebook) ...Right, right. What's the name of that bar-

Dean:
Tavern.

Brian:
-Tavern. Okay. Umm...(shuffles some more.) 'The Grinning Gryphon?' Okay, we look around for some signs or indication we can get to the tavern from here.

Dean:
Well, there's a signpost with a bunch of signs pointing in various directions to your left. Thing is, all the signs are written in Kaldash, the language around here.

Brian:
Okay...(cracks his knuckles) My Mage casts a first level 'translation' spell-

Dean:
Are you sure that's a good idea, Brian? The guard Mage told you guys the townspeople frown on strange magic users coming to their town?

Mark:
Hey, Dean?

Dean:
What, Mark?

Mark:
If this town is a major trading post, like you said, then wouldn't all the signs be in Common Tongue? I mean, It makes sense that if the townspeople want to be on a major trade route, wouldn't they try to be more accommodating to traders? Am I right? Guys?

Dean:
(sighs.) Well, Mark, the signs are what they are. Deal with it. Ok, Brian, make your roll.

Brian:
(rolls polyhedral dice) 87! I got it!

Dean:
Brian, you see one of the signs points to a tavern four blocks from here. Could be the 'grinning gryphon, could be another one. Do you guys wanna check it out?

Mark:
Hope someone speaks 'Common' at the bar!

Dean:
Tavern.

Mark:
Bar, Tavern, whatever.

Dean:
They don't have 'bars' in Medieval times, Mark.

Kevin:
So we're going to the ba-tavern, right, guys?

(MURMURS OF ASSENT FROM THE OTHER TWO PLAYERS.)

Dean:
So, after a few blocks, you come across what looks to be a tavern with a smiling griffin on the sign above.

Kevin:
(grabbing a handful of chips and munching on them.) Welp, this must be the place. Let's go in.

Mark:
Is there any writing on the sign?

Dean:
(shakes head) Doesn't need it.

Mark:
So there's no writing on the bar to tell people the name, and the signposts aren't written in Common, so we can't find the tavern unless we use a translation spell. Smart planning, dude.

Dean:
(sighs again) Mark, do you wanna argue with me or do you wanna find the Baron's contact? You guys are late enough as it is!

Brian:
Ok, so we go in and find a table. Is the bar crowded?

Dean:
Mmm...It's full but not too full. You guys can find a table, no hassle.

Kevin:
I get a beer!

Dean:
Well, hold on, Kevin. The serving wench hasn't shown up yet.

Mark:
Is she hot?

Dean:
Well, you'll have to get her attention-

Brian:
I wave in her direction.

Mark:
I shout, 'SERVICE US, SERVING WENCH!'

Kevin:
Nice one, Mark!

Mark:
Fuck you, Kevin. I want service-

Dean:
A couple of big guys are starting to head over to your table. They might be tavern bouncers.

Kevin:
Oooh, shit! I get up and try to calm 'em down. Do they speak Common?

Dean:
They do. But they demand a 'cover charge' to make up for your rude barbarian friend. Comes to ten gold pieces.

Mark:
What? That's extortion! I pull out my ax-
Dean: You can't, Mark. You left it at the guard house with your other weapons, remember? Doy!

Mark: Doy yourself, tons-o-fun!

Brian:
Guys, we gotta keep a low profile! Kevin, pay them off and apologize profusely! Mark, shut the fuck up!

Dean:
Make a roll, Kevin.

Kevin:
(rolls dice.) Er.. 63?

Dean:
They take your coins and head back behind the bar. Your party's caught everyone's attention in the bar.

Kevin, Mark, and Brian, altogether:
TAVERN!!

Dean:
Right, right. Jeez. Okay, so the wench finally comes over, and she doesn't look like she's in a good-

Mark: Is she hot?

Dean:
Well, she's not bad, looks like she's been around the block a few times, but-

Mark:
I wanna do her!

Brian, Kevin, and Dean:
NOW?

Mark:
Hell, yeahs! My barbarian's gots to get his freak on! Hah, hah, hah!

Kevin:
Mark, we gotta find the Baron's contact! We don't have time to-

Mark:
Hey, assmunch! I been following you guys around this whole time, doing what you want! I wanna do what I want to do, for a change!

Dean:
(shrugs) Ok, Mark, what do you say to her?

MARK GOES SILENT. HE STARTS TO BLUSH.
Mark:
(stammers)

Dean:
Jesus. Ok, Romeo, make a roll on your Charisma.

MARK ROLLS THE DICE.

Mark:
93! Yes! (pumps fists) I take her to the back room and-

Dean:
(chortles.) Whey-hey! Hold on there, Peter North! Your Charisma is only 8, which means you need a 95 to-

Mark:
WHAT? FUCK YOU, DEAN! YOU'RE CHEATING!

Dean:
Keep your voice down, Mark!

Brian:
Yeah, man. Jeez!

Mark:
AND FUCK YOU, BRIAN! I GOT AN '18' CHARISMA! I FUCK THE SERVING WENCH!

Dean:
Mark! Shut-the-hell-up! I got your stats on my computer here, and they say you got only an '8'! Remember when you rolled up this character, and you wanted an '18' on your strength, so I let you take points off your charisma to put on your strength!

Mark:
I took them off my constitution, Lard-ass!

Dean:
Let me see your character sheet!

Mark:
Jesus Christ, I don't believe this! I'm not giving you my sheet! Fuck you!

Brian:
(deftly passes a sheet by Mark to Dean) Here you go!

Mark:
GIMME THAT, YOU ASSHOLE!

Dean:
(picks up sheet and reads it.) Well, Mark... You put a '1' in front of your '8' for charisma...in a different pen color, no less, and you whited-out all your other stats and gave yourself '18's, '17's, in all your other stats. What the hell, man?

THE SOUND OF A DOOR OPENS, AND THE SILHOUETTE OF DEAN'S DAD APPEARS IN THE BACKGROUND.

Mr. Pasternak:
What the hell is going on down here? Dammit, boys, I told you to keep it down!

DEAN SLAPS HIS FOREHEAD AND GROANS. BRIAN AND KEVIN LOOK AT THEIR SHOES. MARK IS SEETHING. MR. PASTERNAK STARTS TO COME DOWN THE STAIRS.

Dean:
Sorry, Dad...

Mr. Pasternak:
Sorry isn't going to cut it this time, young man. You guys, this game is over. Good night, fellas-

Mark:
BUT THESE GUYS ARE CHEATING, MR. PASTERNAK! THEY WON'T LET ME FUCK THE-

Mr. Pasternak:
HEY!! YOU DON'T USE THAT KIND OF TALK IN MY HOUSE!! GET OUT, SON!

Dean:
You're the cheater, Mark!

THE SCENE CUTS TO THE FRONT OF A HOUSE ON A TYPICAL SUBURBAN STREET. BRIAN, KEVIN, AND MARK ARE BEING HERDED BY MR. PASTERNAK OUT TO THE CURB. MARK IS NEAR TEARS. BRIAN AND KEVIN ARE DEEPLY EMBARRASSED. DEAN IS NERVOU8LY SHUFFLING NEXT TO HIS FATHER, LOOKING AT THE GROUND.

Mr. Pasternak:
If you guys can't keep it down, and be respectful-

Mark:
(finally losing it as he stands on the curb, facing the others.) FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK! THESE GUYS AREN'T RESPECTING ME!! THEY WON'T LET ME FUCK THE WAITRESS, THEY WON'T LET ME KEEP MY AXE, THEY'RE PICKING ON ME ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME! YOU SUCK AS A DUNGEON MASTER, DEAN! I'M GONNA GET MY OWN GROUP AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE MORE FUCKING FUN THEN YOU EVER HAD! SO HA! YOU CUNT! (Mark is crying by the end of this tirade.)

Mr. Pasternak:
Kid, go home, or I'm calling the cops. (SOME LIGHTS ARE STARTING TO GO ON IN THE NEARBY HOUSES. SOME DOGS START BARKING IN THE BACKGROUND. SOME CONFUSED,SLEEPY VOICES MAY ALSO BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. "What's happening?" "Shut up!", that sort of thing.

Mark:
(sobbing and crying) IT'S-IT'S NOT FAIR!!! EVERYONE'S PICKING ON ME!! EVERYONE HATES ME!! I CHANGED MY CHARACTER SHEET SO I'D HAVE A CHANCE WITH YOU CHEATING COCKSUCKERS!! FUCK-FUCK-FUCK YOU ALL!! (Mark breaks down, sobbing.)

BACKGROUND SOUND IS NOW ANGRY NEIGHBORS YELLING THINGS LIKE, 'I'm calling the cops',' shut the hell up, already!', AND THE LIKE. THE DOGS BARKING HAS INCREASED. PERHAPS A CAR SIREN IS GOING OFF.

Mr. Pasternak: (exasperated.) Hell with it. I'm calling the cops. (He goes back inside.)

Dean:

(softly) I am so grounded.

Brian:
I don't believe this...

Kevin:
(putting his hands to his head) Incredible...

JUST THEN, SOME FLASHING LIGHTS APPEAR. A COP CAR PULLS UP ON THE STREET NEXT TO THE SOBBING MARK. TWO COPS GET OUT. THE OTHER BOYS LOOK EVEN MORE UNCOMFORTABLE.

Cop #1:
Is there a problem here, fellas? (cop #2 is kneeling next to Mark)

Mark:
(Suddenly springing up, startling cop#2) OH! OH! ARREST THEM, OFFICERS! THEY'RE CHEATERS! THEY'RE DISCRIMINATING AGAINST ME 'CAUSE I'M HALF ARMENIAN ON MY MOM'S-

Cop #1:
Whoa, calm down, son-

Mark:
(punches cop in shoulder) FUCK YOU, PIG!! DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!! THOSE COCKSUCKERS ARE GANGING UP ON ME! ARREST THEM!

COP #2 RESPONDS BY PULLING OUT SOME PEPPER SPRAY AND BLASTING MARK IN THE FACE WITH IT. MARK BENDS OVER, COUGHING AND SOBBING.

CUT TO: THE REMAINING THREE KIDS, OPEN-MOUTHED IN SHOCK.

CUT TO: MARK SWINGING WILDLY, SCREAMING INCOHERENTLY. COP #1 PULLS HIS BATON AND SMASHES MARK IN THE TEETH, KNOCKING A FEW OUT. MARK DROPS LIKE A SACK OF ACNE-SCARRED POTATOES. THE POLICE THEN LOAD HIM IN THE BACK OF THE SQUAD CAR AND DRIVE OFF.

CUT TO: THE THREE KIDS ON THE FRONT STEP, WATCHING THE COPS LEAVE.

Dean:
So, I, um, heard the community soccer league is signing up for the 13 to 16 year old league. You guys wanna play some soccer this summer?

Brian and Kevin:
Sure, yeah.

OVERLAY TITLE READS: 'THIS WAS BASED ON A TRUE STORY'.

FADE TO BLACK.

Pop! goes the cartoid artery...

Wanted -(D) So you go into this movie expecting mindless fun, and the 'mindless' part comes through, well enough. So, 'fun'? No. Well, Angelina Jolie as eye candy is okay, and James McAvoy as Put-Upon Everyday Schmo Who Discovers He's the Heir to A Super-Secret Fraternity of Assassins is pretty enjoyable. The problem is when movies like this try to make a moral point, which in Wanted's case is like a drunk giving you a lecture on temperance.

I understand it was originally a comic book, with the premise being that the assassins were thinly-veiled versions of mainstream comic book villains. So, dropping the comic-book connection was a smart move. What bugs me is the tone of this movie, which seems like it was written by fifteen year old boys who get pantsed in gym class, play lots of D&D, and physical contact with women is but a pipe dream. (Jolie, in particular, comes across as pointedly sexless.)

The film's directed by Timur Bekmambetov, who did the 'Daywatch' trilogy in Russia. (It's warmed-over Buffy-the-vampire-slayer pop mythology.) He gives the film a flashy Wachowski/sub-David Fincher look which I guess goes with the ultra-violent storyline. (I have to admit, there's one sequence which gave me a sadistic chuckle. McAvoy smashes a co-worker in the face with a computer keyboard, and the flying letters, plus a dislodged tooth, spell out 'Fuck you' for the viewer.)

So we get about 110 minutes of corkscrewing bullets slamming into skulls with lovingly rendered CGI, improbable stunts, plot holes you could drive a space shuttle loader through (For instance, the assassins get their kill orders from a loom, which their leader, Morgan Freeman decodes. Turns out he's been taking money to deliver the wrong kill orders. Wouldn't Freeman's behavior cause the loom to spew out more kill orders to fix the wrong kill orders? Like Freeman, for instance? And- aw, crap...) in what's a R rated popcorn movie. Fair enough. Then McAvoy, after shooting Freeman in an another elaborate CGI shot- the slug goes through a donut hole- turns to us and gives us a monologue about how we should break out of our ruts, shake off the chains of our oppressive lives, and live for ourselves. His final line to us is, "What the fuck have you done lately?" Well, if defining my individuality means murdering people because a scrap of linen told me to, I'll stick with being a wage slave, thank you.