Mad Men, Ep. 13. "Meditations in an Emergency"

With the Cuban Missile Crisis looming in the background, Sterling-Cooper's merger looms in the foreground. Betty learns she's pregnant, Don comes back home to an ambivalent Betty and a failed power grab by Duck.

-We'll be seeing a lot more of Father Gill next season, I think. I like how the writers have made him a staunch hard-liner in terms of addressing his parish, without making him out to be a hypocrite (He doesn't come onto Peggy) or an asshole. He's a rare character in

televison, the idealist who pushes his values as far as he can in the real world without coming across as naive or cruel. Any conflict that he's involved with in season 3 will examine the point at which Gill has to re-evaluate his effectiveness as a priest.

-I'm torn between Betty's dalliance with the random guy in the bar. Half of me says, "You go, girl!" and the other half is disappointed. (but not surprised.) She can't take a moral high ground against Don's cheating anymore, and with the upcoming pregnancy, she won't be inclined to stray, for at least a long while.

-The showdown between Duck and Don during the merger is like watching the coyote try to catch the road runner. Duck was so sure he could put Don on a short leash, the waves of humiliation he felt after learning Don 'Doesn't have a contract' glowed red off him. Looks like there's a new replacement for 'Office Drunk' with the abscence of Freddy Rumsen...

-"This doesn't affect the merger, does it?" quips Roger after Duck's humiliation. Oh, Roger! Always with the one-liners...

Part of the pleasure of watching "Mad Men" for me is seeing how the story unfolds on a tightrope. As I've said before, we've got likeable characters doing unlikeable things, which makes it hard to really empathise with most of them. Glimpses into Duck's home life and the incredible self-loathing he has, even has me sympathising for him a bit. (He's the closest thing, besides Jimmy Barrett, to a villian on the show.)

You, along with the main characters, can't really explain why the main characters behave the way they do, it just 'feels right'. So when Betty screws the stranger at the bar, it makes sense. When Duck abandons his beloved dog on Madison Avenue, it feels like the type of self-punishing behavior a guy like Duck would engage in. When Peggy, smiling, twists the knife on Pete informing him of their kid, it feels right. (Peggy knows more than Pete how their raising a kid together would be a really bad idea. Also, she's ruthless enough to enjoy letting him know about that little fact.)

So when the show goes through it's missteps- like the 'real Don Draper's wife' bit, for example, it's disapponting. My concern is that when viewers stop watching "Mad Men", it'll turn into a soap opera in order to regain viewers, and lose the spark it had in becoming one of the most compelling shows on T.V. right now.

GEORGE W. BUSH WINS THIRD TERM AS PRESIDENT IN SURPRISE UPSET

(AP) The 2008 presidential election ended in a surprise sweep with incumbent president George W. Bush being re-elected in an unprecedented landslide. With the Bush-Cheney ticket written in electronic voting booths by an overwhelming 98% of the American population, as well as the American citizenry voting near-unanimously to repeal the fifteenth amendment- which forbids a standing U.S. President to serve more than two terms in office-the final count came as a surprise to a populace subjected to a long, arduous process previously dominated by Republican candidate and war hero John McCain, and that Negro fellow for the Democrats.

Flanked by several members of the First Brigade of the Third Infantry, President-Elect Bush expressed his surprise and delight in the eleventh-hour decision by the American public.

"Well, now...", he chuckled to a select group of reporters from Fox news. "This is an unexpected but welcome surprise. I had no idea that the American people's faith in me as their president was so deep and abiding that they would not only vote Republican, but with one voice, demand that I and Mr. Cheney be the instrument through which America guides the world for a third, unprecedented term of office. After much deliberation, and prayer, both Mr. Cheney and I humbly accept. Thank you and God bless!"

This moving speech was only slightly marred by the unwelcome appearance of some unwashed socialist leftist types yelling incoherently about 'rigged booths' and 'scandal', but they were quickly dispatched by the police with the aid of small-arms fire, drowned out by the subsequent fireworks display and Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the U.S.A."

Reactions from the other candidates were mixed. Republican hopeful John McCain refused to comment, leaving his party headquarters in his SUV in what appeared to be, "a snit", reported Republican campaign workers. Vice-President nominee Sarah Palin appeared confused for a moment, asking everyone in earshot, "So, does this mean I'm President now? Hm?" before being ushered on a car back to a plane to Alaska, her home state.

The colored Democrat candidate evidently was so enraged that he stomped his feet and raised his voice, prompting several Homeland Security officers to usher him and his staff and family to Guantanamo Bay for not only their own protection, but to ensure America's safety and security in the transitional process ahead.

While this historic and unprecedented event raises several questions about the electoral process, most of these questions are ultimately of no importance or consequence to the American public, and as of this time, it is strongly suggested that every American refrain from pursuing any alternate lines of inquiry.

In an unrelated note, the newly-created Ministry of Plenty proudly announced that the national chocolate ration will be increased to twenty grammes per week.

Ep. 11 "The Jet Set"

While Pete sorta works in L.A., Don gets caught up by some 'Beautiful People'. Peggy's attempt to connect with Kurt brings up an awkward revelation. Duck attempts to grab the reins at Sterling Cooper.

As I mentioned last time, Mad Men has episodes that are mostly set-up, and episodes that are mostly pay-off. This'un's a 'pay-off' episode, with Kurt's revelation, Duck's revealing his true intentions at Sterling-Cooper, and Don's final line.

-When is Pete not an oaf? Sitting in his suit at the hotel pool, (and lamely hitting on girls in bikinis) and bullying the hotel bartender. He seemed pretty excited over the MIRV presentations at the Kubrick-influenced meeting room. Contrast that with Don's obvious unease.

-Don's encounter with the 'jet set'. Your first thought is that these people are way too friendly, maybe they're con-artists? The thing is, Don's too self-assured to come across as a potential mark, and while it's obvious Don has money, he doesn't have enough to make a long-con worth while. So I suppose these people are what they appear to be. That is, self-involved new-rich types who live a life of rootless privilege. It's this rootless aspect which appeals to Don, which is why he impulsively jumps into Joy's convertible to Palm Springs.

-However, even a life of rootless privilege has its costs, which is evident to Don upon the arrival of a member of the jet set hauling his kids around. (It's no coincidence they resemble Don and Betty's kids.) It's that incident, coupled with Don's passing out from heatstroke and his anxiety at the MIRV demonstration - and perhaps the glimpse of the Betty doppleganger at the episode's beginning? which makes Don place a phone call and give us the jaw-dropper of the season this far:

"Hello, this is Dick Whitman. I'd love to see you soon."

-Kurt's 'coming out' is right up there with Adam's suicide and Peggy's pregnancy as one of Mad Men's false notes. (Though Sal's reaction is priceless...) Looks like Ken, Pete and Harry are gonna be doin' some queer-stompin' in the halls of Sterling-Cooper pretty soon. Yee-haw! Seriously, though, Kurt has nothing to gain from coming out of the closet, and in all likelihood, will get booted from S.C. for being a 'pervert'. ( You can imagine a red-faced, furious Bert Cooper firing Kurt: "This company has a reputation to uphold, mister- or should I say, missy!! Why can't you be a normal man like that Salvatore in the art department?" ) The only reason I can see for it is so's Kurt can be a dramatic counterpoint to the repressed Sal in season 3.

-Duck looks to be the series' 'bad guy', with his motivations for trying to get his former employers to buy out Sterling-Cooper. (It's more to spite Don and Roger than to prove his business acumen.) The results are somewhat anticlimactic, however. Roger and Bert seem to warm to the idea right away, which makes Duck's fall off the wagon over his betrayal somewhat pointless.

Episode 10, "The Inheritance"

Betty visits her ailing father and confronts both Don and Glen, that creepy neighbour kid. Betty also makes a tentative connection with an unusual contact. Paul's girlfriend asks for a bigger commitment from him. Pete confronts his family about legacies.

-"Madmen" seems to be divided into episodes that mostly set up, and episodes that mostly pay off. (Episode 13 of last season being a 'pay-off' episode, for example.) This episode's a set-up one, with the impending trip to L.A., Pete's intent to adopt, and Paul taking a 'Freedom Train' to Birmingham with his girlfriend.

-It's Betty's story here, with her realization that for all intents and purposes, she's now an orphan. It's a tribute to the nuanced writing on this show that while Betty toys with Don and Glen, she never loses our sympathy. She's going to let Don back home, eventually. It's just a question of when. (And when she kicked Don out again, weren't you thinkin' 'You go, girl!')

-We haven't seen the last of Glen Bishop, the creepy kid of divorcee' Helen. I figured she'd be back this season. She was too prominent a character in season 1 to be pitched on the discard pile. And yes, Betty putting him in one of Don's t-shirts and combing his hair in Don's 70-30 split was intentional...

-"He has no people! You can't trust someone like that!" exclaims Betty's dad, before he mistakes Betty for his late wife in the wrongest way possible. While that statement sums up Don in a nutshell, I bet Betty lets Don back home after her father's funeral.

-Pete's Creepy Family makes an appearance, and I suspect Pete and Trudy will adopt a child, more out of Pete's need to spite than out of any desire to have a real family.

-Harry's the most morally grounded character on the show. He feels genuine guilt over his drunken office fling with secretary Hildy from last season, which Hildy smooths over during the baby shower. Remember his bit of slapstick over opening Ken Cosgrove's pay stub?

-This episode's best moment? "Well, Happy birthday!", exclaims Bert Cooper as he pops his head into the baby shower.

-Paul is rapidly becoming unlikable to me personally. His treatment of his girlfriend makes me hope she dumps him in Birmingham. ("From a Marxist standpoint, the markets dictate a colorblind society. The consumer has no color," he smugly pontificates to the black passengers on the bus.) You just know when the rocks start flying, Paul'll be hightailing it back to New York, rationalizing all the way. ("Ultimately, I can effect more change in one day in my position at Sterling-Cooper than walking a hundred miles through Georgia!", he will say, than demand a double martini from the stewardess on his first class trip back home...)

Who Watches the...meh...

"Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen it's true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout, "Save us." ...and I'll look down and whisper "No."
- Rorschach's opening monologue from the comic, 'Watchmen'


"If you approach comics as a poor relation to film, you are left with a movie that does not move, has no soundtrack and lacks the benefit of having a recognizable movie star in the lead role."
-Alan Moore, writer of the comic, 'Watchmen'

For my own part, I'm gonna see the movie version of 'Watchmen' when it comes out next March. (Presuming that Fox and Warner Brothers resolve their legal differences over the movie by then...) However, I don't expect it to be anything more than a 'not funny' version of The Incredibles. (or 'The Tick', or 'Venture Brothers' or 'Dr. Horrible's Sing-along Blog' or...) One indicator that a studio doesn't have a lot of faith in a movie like this is the casting of relative no-name actors. (Billy Crudup as Dr. Manhattan is the only actor on the roster I'm really familiar with. There's also Carla Gugino, from 'Spy Kids' and Malin Akerman, who's highest profile parts so far are as a hillbilly's over-sexed wife in "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle" and the Farrelly brother's execrable remake of Neil Simon's "The Heartbreak Kid", where she plays Ben Stiller's shrewish bride. Not a good sign.)

As an unabashed comic nerd, you'd think, that on the surface, I'd want to see a movie based on an entertaining comic book. Wouldn't the fact that a mainstream medium was acknowledging my sophomoric interests by validating my previously sad-ham-with-failure-gravy of an existence? You'd think I'd want to see, say, Daniel Day-Lewis degrade himself by emoting lines like, "You'll pay for killing those orphans, Dr. Despair!" And ninety minutes of CGI explosions, giant metal robots, and lady pirate Amazon ninjas. With big, bouncy boobies?

Hold on.

To paraphrase Laurie Anderson, making a movie based on a comic is a little like dancing about architecture. That is, while in a comic the reader can go back to a previous page if they so wish, a movie can only go foreward in time, and has a limited space to tell its story. (Could, say, Chris Ware's comics be translated to film?) Like Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, the transfer of a specific medium-comics- to another specific medium- film- changes the nature of the thing being transfered. I'm getting a little pretentious here, so let me pull back a bit.

Film, in the commercial sense, is a medium that takes from other mediums and doesn't give back to them. Put it this way: If you've seen the 'Godfather' trilogy, you're not likely to seek out original author Mario Puzo's other works, like 'The Sicillian', for instance. And in the mainstream comics world, the X-men franchise hasn't seen an appreciable increase in sales owing to the recent movies. And why would they? If you are so inclined to seek out the X-men comics, you'll find yourself wandering into a narrative morass that only hours of reading on Wikipedia will enable you to unravel.

And in the case of Moore and Dave Gibbons' Watchmen, the level of reference is so convoluted in terms of a narrative, it demands you go back and read it again and again to discover more meaning in the comic. For instance, we notice early on that a random nutcase on the streets of New York is, in fact, the sociopathic vigilante called Rorschach. Little details like airships floating in the background, and the egg-like design of cars, as well as the cigarettes some characters smoke add to bigger details like Dr. Manhattan's influence on American society in this time, as well as the integration of Vietnam as the 51st state. Trying to shoehorn these details into a movie will make the movie's narrative clumsy and full of odd expositional dialogue.

I can only imagine Warner Brothers is hoping they'll cover the movie's costs with its theatrical release, and make money on DVD sales. (Director Zack Snyder talks about the cornucopia of extras that'll be on the DVD.) The whole experience is an attempt to wring as much money out of that particular sponge.

The line of thinking seems to be, "If Warner Brothers make a movie of 'Watchmen', movie-goers will be inspired to seek out the original graphic novel, and Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons will get more exposure as artists, and this will inspire them to create more and better works in the comic genre."

No, it won't. For one thing, DC comics is owned by Warner Brothers, and Moore and Gibbons were treated rather shabbily by DC when they signed the deal to do 'Watchmen'. (One of the main points of their contract was that the rights would reverse to Moore and Gibbons once Watchmen went out of print for a few years. Well, twenty-two years later, we see how useful that clause was to Moore and Gibbons. It's like they're being punished for doing superlative work...) As a result, Alan Moore refuses to work for DC anymore. What's going to happen is that the movie comes out, thousands of internet nerds bitch and argue how disappointing it is, and maybe DC pushes a couple of thousand copies extra of Watchmen over the time period. Not that either Moore or Gibbons would materially benefit from any of it, mind you.

So in an odd way, this legal battle between Fox and Warner Brothers is a good thing. Consider this: The movie's been made, and everyone who's worked on it has been paid for their work, presumably. (The only downer is that people like Snyder and the producers won't see any extra money on it if it never gets released.) If it never sees the light of day, the beetle-browed denizens of the internet who are bitching about it, like,er, me, get their wish of never having a solid work degraded to another, more popular medium. The internet nerds who want to see it get to speculate endlessly about what kind of movie it could be, and argue with each other about who'd be a better casting decision in what particular role. Everybody wins.

Well, not Alan Moore. If he put his name on the movie, he'd be decried as a sell-out who abandoned his principles for a few dollars. And if the movie tanks, he'd be the one taking the blame. ("Alan Moore's seminal 'Watchmen' flops at the box office...") And if it makes bank, Warner Brothers is going to jump to the head of the parade float, taking all the credit. ('Zack Snyder's adaptation of the ground-breaking comic, 'Watchmen' creeps up on last year's 'The Dark Knight' in terms of ticket sales...")

Mad Men backlog...

"The Gold Violin" Ep. 7

The episode's title refers to the title of the short story Ken Cosgrove lets Sal read after their shared mis-adventure (with Jane Siegel) into Bert Cooper's office to view the Rothko painting hung upon his wall. And there's a lot of 'gold violins' in this episode. (If a gold violin is an object of unattainable beauty which is, ultimately, useless.) And the hateful Jimmy Barrett drops the dime on Don and Mrs. Barrett's affair to Betty.

Firstly, we've got Jane Seigel, who is Ken's 'gold violin'. She effortlessly brushes his flirtations off the whole episode, without seeming rude or offended. I like how she sweet-talks the junior execs into sneaking into Cooper's office to look at his Rothko. She does it for the sheer perverse thrill of breaking a rule. Note how she's the first to leave- ("Mm. Interesting..." she says, disinterested.) Later, Joan confronts her on the little adventure, the claws come out, and Joan fires Jane. Without missing a beat, Jane goes to Roger Sterling to 'say goodbye', and plays Roger off against Joan. Looks like she's Roger's 'gold violin' too.

And Ken's Sal's 'gold violin'. While Ken connects with Sal over their appreciation of the Rothko and Sal's complement of Ken's writing, it's pretty evident Sal's developing a crush on Ken. (He keeps the lighter that Ken accidentally left.) I feel so sorry for Sal's wife, though. (And I'm glad the detail of whether Kitty was Sal's wife or girlfriend was cleared up...)

Even though Jimmy Barrett's the cuckold in Don and Bobbi's affair, I can't help but despise him through and through. I get the impression that his professional life feeds on the misery in his private life. His relationship with his wife is strictly business, the price of his success having to endure his wife sleeping around with their professional contacts. His humiliation feeds the latent hostility in his 'act', he gets more success, his wife/agent meets more contacts... He's in a loop. You can feel the glee in his voice when he tells off Don near the end of the episode.

One more 'Gold Violin'. Don's brand new Cadillac. ("You see that little sensor?" he boasts to Betty. "It dims the headlights automatically whenever another car's ahead.") It's a subconscious act of revenge on her part when she throws up in it after Barrett rats out Don to her on Don's infidelity...

I think Don bought the car not just for its status, ("Of course, you already walk about in elegance!" exclaims the Cadillac salesman to a dapper Don.) but to remove himself further from Dick Whitman. An early flashback in the showroom shows a younger Don as an unsuccessful used car salesman, having his 'Don Draper' persona busted by a woman from the real Don Draper's past.



"A Night to Remember" Ep. 8

Peggy's relationship with young Father Gil deepens, Don's attempt to ingratiate Sterling Cooper with Heineken's as a client backfires on the home front, and Joan's shot at a lateral promotion fizzles out.

At this point, anyone who hasn't been watching 'Madmen' from the beginning is shit out of luck. My advice: Thank God for the first season DVD. And, er, other sources... (There's a TORRENT of 'em out there, if you get my drift...)

-When I say Peggy and Father Gil's relationship deepens, I don't mean I think they'll start a romantic relationship. I'm hoping Peggy can find a true confidante. (If I were Peggy, I wouldn't trust Draper as far as I could throw him. Though he does come across as the perfect mentor for her at work.) I can't put my finger on it, but I'm sure Gil's compassion for Peggy is genuine, and not just a priest doing his 'Christian' duty. Maybe it's his Jesuit get-up.

-Betty's suspicions about Don's philandering come to a head after she feels humiliated. When Don explains to the Heineken rep he invited to dinner at his home how he 'tricked' Betty into buying Heineken beer for their little get-together, it's the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. Though the rep's wife probably left more of an impression on everyone else at the dinner.

-"Crab, Duck. Duck, Crab!" You know Roger loved giving that introduction to Duck and Crab, the Heineken rep.

-Here's the odd thing about the world of advertising: While Joan is good at reading t.v. scripts for Harry, she's not the right person for the job, as the clients notice her first, and not the work. However, Peggy's rise at Sterling-Cooper is in part to her mousy appearance. That is, clients see the work first, then her.

-It's seeing Jimmy Barrett's Utz potato chip ad on the television that's the final straw for Betty. Despite Don's cool demeanor, and Betty's inability to find any evidence of Don's cheating in his home office, she throws him out of the house. The final shot of this episode has Don at Sterling-Cooper at the company kitchen, getting a bottle of Heineken out of the fridge.


Mad Men Ep. 9 "Six Weeks Leave"

Betty spirals into depression and apathy over her and Don's split, which leads her to cut off a potential avenue for revenge against Don. Freddy Rumsen's bladder faux-pax turns into a promotion for Peggy. A drunken send-off for Freddy leads to Roger's surprising revelation.

Don Draper is a tragic hero in the classic sense. That is, while he does the right thing almost every step of the way-technically, it was Bobbie Barrett who seduced him- he still winds up making a mess of things. For example, Don's attempt to connect with Roger at the bar leads to Roger misinterpreting Don and leaving his wife for his secretary. And Don's attempt to save Freddy Rumsen's job only convinces Roger even more so that Freddy's a liability for Sterling-Cooper. And finally, Don's attempt to reconcile with Betty only antagonizes her worse. They'll reconcile eventually, maybe not this season, but given the Draper's social class, and how the divorced mom last season was looked down upon, Don and Betty will get back together, if only for 'the sake of the children'...

-It was a neat little touch how Betty engineered setting up her riding buddy Francine with the preppy guy who's been mooning over her this season. It removes the temptation from her, and it gives her moral leverage against Don, in her own mind.

-Marilyn Monroe's suicide sets the mood for this episode. Watching the women in the office grieving while the men make neutral comments reminded me of the schism between the sexes when Princess Diana died. Note the black elevator operator's comment on Marilyn's suicide: "Some people can be hidden in plain sight." It's Roger's lack of empathy towards Joan's grief that infuriates her. And, I suspect, starts the ball rolling for Roger to leave his wife.

-I was surprised at how sad I was when Sterling-Cooper cut Freddy loose. He's a buffoon like Pete Campbell, sure. But unlike Pete, he was genial and harmless. It was the junior executives mean comments about his losing control of his bladder that made me empathize with him when Don tore a strip off them for their cruelty. Given Don's past, there's an added layer of meaning when he snarls, "Just a man's name, right?"

-Though Salvatore's look when Freddy gives him a heaping glass of booze is priceless.

-To make matters worse, Freddy's loss is Peggy's gain. Remember, it was Freddy who pushed Peggy into a junior copywriter's slot at Sterling-Cooper. And let's face it, doesn't devout Catholic Peggy have enough guilt on her plate already? Don's solemn promotion of Peggy (and Peggy's immediate dressing-down of Pete) makes it look like there's going to be a Pete-Duck vs. Don-Peggy rivalry in the office. Which makes me think: Given Pete's complete contempt for 'sloppy drunks', how do you think he's going to react to Duck once Duck falls off the wagon again?

-While I liked seeing Don belt Jimmy Barrett in the mouth at the illicit gambling club, Jimmy's sudden appearance seemed a little too neat.

-Roger and Don go for a nightcap after seeing Freddy off. (And what a sad scene! "No, what am I going to do?" laments Freddy after Don's lame reassurances.) where Roger tries to crowbar open Don's defenses. He doesn't get too far- Don references his punching Barrett as "a real Archibald Whitman maneuver", which tells us more about Don than it does to Roger. It's Don's line about how 'life moves in only one direction- forward' that has tragic consequences for Roger and Don.

-The tragic consequences being, of course, Roger's wife confronting Don the next morning about Don's exhorting Roger to leave her for 'his secretary'. Given Joan's curt rejection of Roger's advances earlier, and Don's secretary Jane's tears, I have to assume that Roger, did in fact, help himself to a heaping slice of Jane after all.

"Maidenform"

Madmen Season 2, Ep. 6- "Maidenform"

Don't know how I missed all the 'mirror' leitmotifs in this episode- Kudos to Noel Murray of the 'Onion A.V. club' for pointing 'em out. This episode has Don punishing himself -and Bobbie!- for his lying. Meanwhile, Peggy tries to get in the boy's club and starts to take Bobbie's advice from last episode to heart, and we get to look into the life of Duck Phillips...

So, first we have Don. When him and the family are at a country club Memorial Day bar-b-que, he stands up quite uncomfortably when the M.C. asks all the veterans to stand in recognition of 'all the brave men who won't be eating ribs today'. (What a great line!) So he goes running off to Bobbie hoping she'll help him forget who he is. Big mistake, as Bobbie keeps reminding him of the past when she starts talking about her son and daughter. He ties an excited Bobbie to the bed, then when she hints about his reputation as a 'ladies' man', he angrily gets dressed and leaves her there, much to her horror. The episode ends when Don's daughter watches him shave, then says, "I won't talk anymore." Don remembers his asking Bobbie to stop talking, then slumps onto the toilet in self-loathing. The camera pulls out to reveal his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

Peggy's education into the ad men business continues as she plots to become one of the boys. As Joan points out, 'I never got as far as you, so I wouldn't know what to tell you, dear.', when Peggy comes to her for advice. While she's writing the actual work, it's Paul Kinsey and Don who take the credit, much to her chagrin. Not that it matters, as the Maidenform execs decide that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. (Well, they decided that on the way to Sterling-Cooper, but went through the meeting out of obligation.) It's not a total loss, as the Maidenform guys generously treat the S.C. execs to a night on the town at a burlesque bar. Peggy shows up in a low-cut dress and ingratiates herself into the party. Much to Pete's disapproval. (or is that renewed interest?)

Finally, I got what I wanted last week, that is, a little more insight into the misery of Duck Phillip's world. His ex-wife is getting remarried, his kids don't have a lot of respect for him, and the only member of his family who's pleased to see him is his dog, Chauncey. After the debacle of the American Airlines pitch, and the inertia of the Maidenform one, Duck winds up doing a triple gainer somersault off the wagon. What drives the point home is the way he abandons Chauncey on Madison Ave after the dog watches him struggle with a bottle in one of the art guys' office.

-After spending the episode getting emasculated by his brother and Peggy, Pete picks up a model from the Maidenform tryouts and goesback to her place. Which she shares with her mother. Egad. Pete and the girl make out to a T.V. show waxing poetic about America's air superiority. When he heads back home, he smugly regards himself in the mirror. I so wanted his wife to bust him just then. (...'And is that perfume I smell on you, Peter Campbell?'...)

-No, Pete. As a matter of fact, Duck is right. Bringing a dog into the office is a stupid idea. You oaf. (I just had a thought. Do you think Freddy Rumsen is Peter in fifteen years? And is Duck what Don will become in five? Discuss.)

-Peggy's looking better and better as the season continues. Joan's right about her fashion sense, though. She started to display some style in the beginning, but went back to her schoolmarm look in the middle.

-speaking of Joan, she's looking a little broader in the beam these days too. Methinks her impending marriage is killing her desire to be a sex kitten. Least, that's what I'm hoping. I hope it's not actress Christina Hendricks puttin' on the pounds...

-Man, Betty looks good in that bathing suit! On the topic of female flesh on parade, -and there's a lot of it in this episode- How hard must it have been to cast women now who have that specific body type that was so popular in the early sixties? (You know, the wide hips and slight pooch below the belly button?)

-Something about that model that Pete went home with struck me as 'off'. Her line about coming back from London struck me as a lie, considering that she lives with her mom. Also, she seemed to be trying too hard to be more sexy than she is. Compare her with Bobbie, Betty, and Joan, who come across as effortlessly sexy.

-Don's treatment of Bobbie is going to bite him in the ass, big-time. Either she's going to make his life a living hell in the months to come, or her husband is. And from what I saw of next week's previews, it could be both.

-Dig that old Spanish-American war vet in the corner, precariously tottering up on his crutches!

-That opening song is The Decemberist's 'The Infanta', by the way.

Robots and Bong hits

Wall-E (A) It's taken as an article of faith that large corporations care only about maximizing profits at the expense of everything else. It's kinda true-note the recent troubles in the banking community, for example. But it's not actually true. Starbucks, for instance, is frickin' everywhere, but they make good coffee. And Walt Disney cranks out a lot of product for kids that seems designed to insult them-as the trailers before Wall-E indicated-but they do have the smarts to leave Pixar alone to do their thing.

Which is kind of ironic, considering the subtext in Pixar's Wall-E is the idea that large corporations don't always have the consumer's best interests as their primary concern. The storyline being that a Wal-Mart-like mega-company called 'Buy-N-Large' has assumed control of the whole world, made it too cluttered to live in, and built giant spaceships for the population to live on while robots tidy up back home. The problem being that, after 800 years, the planet is apparently still too dirty for the humans to return to, and also, after 800 years of having their every need catered to by robots, humans have become unmotivated slugs who move around on recliners whilst sipping pizza from a cup.

This is all just a backdrop for the main story, which is about two different robots who meet and fall in love. And Pixar pulls it off beautifully. Since the main characters don't speak, in a conventional sense, the story has to unfold through visuals, which is what animation as a genre is best at. (There's an extended scene where Wall-E and EVE cavort around the outside of the giant spaceship like Astaire and Rogers.) Notice how, through Wall-E's actions, and how he reacts to the world around him, we learn all we need to know about him in the first fifteen minutes of the film. Notice how EVE acts, and how she reacts to Wall-E and his world, and how we've got two different personalities who meet and hit it off.

Now consider that there's virtually no dialogue between them for the whole movie. I understand sound designer Ben Burtt was given dialogue by the screenwriters which he 'translated' into robot-speak for the movie. The performances of all the robots in the film, in fact, are wonderfully nuanced. Notice how the little scrubbing robot spends his time chasing Wall-E down with an air of growing frustration. When he catches up with Wall-e, he scrubs away at him with an especial glee.

The only quibble I have is the use of live-action actors in certain bits, which tends to throw one out of the movie. I suppose you could say it reinforces the difference between the humans when they left Earth, and the slug-like creatures they've grown into, but it's not that necessary. (There's a neat little visual gag in the captain's cabin showing the previous captains of the ship, each more obese then their predecessor...)

Getting back to my earlier statement about mega companies, I notice a lot of people on the 'net seem to be trying to make Wall-E out to be 'Idiotcrasy Jr.' Which really isn't the case, here, folks. The underlying message in the subtext isn't, "If you place your faith in a soulless consumer culture, you'll be a fatty Mcfatterson." but, 'If you want a better life, the amount of effort you put into it will pay off in ways that'll surprise you.' Which isn't a bad message for a kid's movie, actually...

(Oh, crap! While I'm here, I might want to point out the utter futility of trying to convince kids to see a Disney or Dreamworks animated film by putting their trailers before a Pixar film. It's like putting a McDonald's poster near the entrance to Thomas Keller's French Laundry restaurant. In my case, I tuned out after the first five seconds of the 'Madagascar 2' trailer, and by the time Pixar's short, 'Presto' came up, I couldn't tell you what the other trailers were for. Wait- I think they were for Disney's 'Bolt' which is what I guess the people who couldn't get on at Pixar but had too much self-respect to work at Dreamworks have to do and 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua', which is the entertainment equivalent of Child Abuse. Seriously, if you made a kid see that, the theater staff should call Child Services and have you arrested...)




Harold And Kumar Fulfill a Contractual Obligation (D-) Not much to say, really. The first movie worked because underneath all the pot humor, there was an undercurrent of anxiety about growing up non-white in America. The trouble was, once that point was made, there's not a whole lot else you could do with the characters. As a result, this movie doesn't have a lot going on besides dragging Harold and Kumar from gross-out gag to gross-out gag. There's a sub-plot about Kumar trying to get to his college girlfriend's wedding to stop it, but given the way the Kumar character behaves like a clueless, selfish dolt, it's hard to see why Harold's still friends with him, let alone why his ex-girlfriend would want to have anything to do with him. And trying to sell George Dubya as a goofily affable frat boy doesn't float with me. He's probably more like the petty, mean-spirited Rob Corddry Homeland Security character, in the context of this film. The return of Neil Patrick Harris-tripping on 'shrooms and riding a unicorn, no less- is the only reason this movie doesn't get an 'F' from me.

"The New Girl"

Mad Men Season 2, Episode 5 "The New Girl"

Clever title, this. It refers to A) Bobbie Barrett starting to 'negotiate' her way into Don's pants; replacing Rachel. B) Peggy's more assertive character, and C) Don's new secretary-what a little yummy!

-Everyone seems to be giving Don that "I know what you did!" look this episode. Rachel-with her new husband, Tilden Katz (?!), Peggy, Betty, Joan, Jimmy, hell, even the cop at the station.

Though in the context of the episode, leaving things unsaid seems to be the best strategy all around. When Roger Cooper and Joan discuss Joan's marriage, they wind up sniping at each other, as do Pete and his wife regarding their pregnancy issue. To be honest, Pete's wife already has a kid to deal with.

-I might be reading too much into this, but doesn't Don's advice to Peggy during her stay in the hospital seem awfully close to what he told Adam in season one? Could Don be trying to make up for abandoning Adam by mentoring Peggy? That may not be the best decision for Don, considering the leverage he's giving Peggy over him.

-Bobbie's becoming a more interesting character as the series progresses, mainly because she's the one doing the chasing, as opposed to Don, this time around. It's odd seeing her reach out to Peggy, as this worldly show-biz type and this odd mousy copywriter live on different worlds.

There's two bits of humour that come out of left field in this episode- which is where the best gags come from. The first is Pete's, er, 'visual aids' in the doctor's office where he's giving his sperm sample- there's a copy of U.S. News and World Report mixed amongst the nudie mags. The second is Freddie Rumsen's cockblock of Ken Cosgrove and the new secretary. Just as Ken's moving in for the kill, Freddie comes out and zips his fly up and down arrhythmically. "Sounds like Mozart!", he enthuses. What the fuck, Freddie?

Speaking of the new girl, while Joan's leaving 'single girl' status, she's not so willing to give up her status at the office so eagerly, as her remonstrating the new girl so bluntly demonstrates. Again, maybe it's just me, but her wiggle seems more pronounced then ever this season. (Don't tell me the writers have actress Christina Hendricks donning the fat suit, now?)

Tropic Thunder

Tropic Thunder (C+) A sort-of-clever, if not memorable piss-take by Ben Stiller on war movies and Hollywood. You know, there are probably primitive tribesmen in New Guinea who know that movie stars are insecure, that movie directors are pompous, and that movie producers are pricks. Which makes the satire in this film come across as kind of half-hearted. And half-way over the top is nowhere near over the top for a movie like this. So the only real pleasure you're going to get out of this film is in Tom Cruise's cameo as a fat, balding, sausage-fingered, foul-mouthed producer. The odd thing is, though, is that it's probably Cruise's best acting in, well, forever. The last time I saw Cruise trying to stretch himself as an actor (I haven't seen Magnolia.) was in Michael Mann's Collateral, and he didn't do too good a job then. You needed to see a blandly handsome man rotting from within in that role, and Cruise couldn't pull it off. (Maybe Pierce Brosnan or Russel Crowe, perhaps?) He was too fresh-faced and energetic to make me believe he was a world-weary hit man, and the dye-job he did on his hair just seemed like a bad dye-job.

The strange thing in this movie is that he's buried under a bald cap, fake nose and stubby fingers, and I've never seen him take off in a part like he does here. He's a close relative of one of Mike Myers' grotesque 'Austin Powers' characters, like Fat Bastard or Goldmember. I've got a sneaking suspicion that while Cruise the Scientologist is determined to show a sane, stable, and happy human to the rest of the world, it's a role like this that gives us Tom Cruise, actual person, warts and all. (His performance is like watching Cruise's actual persona squirt out like meat through a grinder...)

As for the rest of the film, eh... The rest of the characters are so one-dimensional, any satire that Stiller intended falls flat on its face. They're just the set up for a collection of one-liners. Case in point: Matthew McConaughey plays Stiller's agent, and in a climactic scene, Cruise's slimy producer tries to convince him to let his client die off in the jungle, and in return, Cruise will give him a G5 Gulfstream jet. As it turns out, McConaughey returns to the jungle to proudly announce to Stiller that he got him "Tivo in his house for the shoot!" The scene makes no sense, as there was nothing in his character previously to demonstrate any shred of conscious in him, so when McConaughey shows up in a long shot, at first you think it's the film director (played by Steve Coogan) who got blown up by an old land mine.

"Three Sundays"

Season 2, Episode 4, "Three Sundays"

Three consecutive Sundays in "Madmen", and the underlying theme seems to be, "Getting stabbed in the back." Sterling-Cooper gets shafted by American Airlines when their contact gets fired, making all their hard work for nothing. Peggy's older sister- much older- resents her growing friendship with the young Jesuit priest, and stabs Peggy in the back during her Confession. Then you've got Don dragging his heels in disciplining his son. Naturally, Betty thinks he's making her out to be the bad guy to the kids. And finally, Roger starts the episode pushing for a traditional marriage for his daughter, then ending the show sweet-talking a call girl out to dinner. (Shafting both his wife and her next client!)

-If there's a broader theme for this episode, I'd guess it's about how being responsible and doing the right thing isn't going to be rewarded. As the young priest points out to Peggy's sister, Anita, in the confession box. Don's attempt to be a better husband and father seems like an uphill battle- Betty and him get into a shoving match. Then you have Sterling-Cooper's meticulous proposal for American Airlines thrown out because their contact got fired. Don's daughter seems to be getting a free ride, while his son's getting the wrath of Betty, which mirrors the sibling rivalry between Peggy and Anita.

-You wonder if Duck was taking a perverse glee in giving the bad news to Sterling-Cooper about Shel's firing. (I didn't notice the 'last supper' reference of the presentation team's staging 'til someone on the A.V. club's board pointed it out.) I'm sure putting Shel's name on the presentation folder didn't help matters much...

-The secretarial pool REALLY doesn't like Peggy, not only since she makes more money, but she gets to hit the buffet table before them.

-Don's daughter likes that Scotch. Oh, yes.

-I hope we see more of Colin Hanks' Jesuit priest this season. I hope he picked up on Peggy's sister's spiteful gesture in Confession for what it was. I'd like to think his giving her the Easter egg 'for the little one' in the final scene was a gesture of compassion, and not a 'You're so busted, Peggy!' Maybe it's both?...

-Whadda ya wanna bet that the reason Ken Cosgrove gets 300 a week as opposed to Pete's 75 is his unofficial job as the office pimp? He knows an awful lot about call girls...

-It's funny, but even though Betty's in the right about their son, it's Don we empathise with. I have to assume his story about his dad beating him was true, even though one's first assumption is it's yet another lie.

-You can't help but like Roger, even though he cheats on his wife for the same reason he enjoys working at Sterling-Cooper. "It's the thrill of the chase", he tells Don, trying to console Don over the loss of American Airlines. Though if you can afford to buy out a call girl, there's not much thrill there, really.

-Check out Pete's tennis outfit on that one Sunday! Come on, Pete! Sal's supposed to be the gay one!

-Don's silence when Betty asks him, "Would you be the man you are today if your dad didn't spank you?"

-I can't say I blame Anita for her 'confession'. She's married to a lout, her figure's gone, and she got stuck raising Peggy's kid. No doubt her family views her as the 'baby factory'.

-Betty was reading that F. Scott Fitzgerald book the horny riding patron referenced in the last episode.

-So far, Duck's the only character who's life we haven't had a look at. It's kind of odd, given the trademark of this series is to show off the many facets of the character's personalities. They seem to be setting him up as a foil for Don in the business, but I'm hoping there's much more to Duck then we're seeing. While Don views advertising as an art form, where the pitch to the client is the bait on the hook, Duck's point of view is that if one is going fishing, why not use a grenade in the pond to get the fish? (It's a clumsy metaphor, but I just woke up...)

While I'm here, I've heard some critisism that at the end of the day, 'MadMen' is just a soap opera with a higher budget. This is an understandable assessment, but wrong, and here's why.

On the surface, it's a story about a bunch of disparate characters in a specific time and place, and how they interact with each other, and how outside events affect them. Which, in broad terms, is how a soap opera works. However, in a soap opera, its story lines could be charitably described as melodramatic, 'And Then' plotting. For instance:

For one character's story arc in a season on a soap opera, the season starts with Sweet Polly Baker's cliffhanger pregnancy from last episode turning out to be a miscarriage. AND THEN, it turns out that the kindly, handsome young minister Dr. Anderson was really the father, not her rising young hotshot executive husband Dan. AND THEN her sleazy half-brother Nathan shows up 'for a few days' to crash on her couch and work on his 'business idea' which he tells everyone is to start a surf shop in their city of Missoula, Montana but he's really hiding from the Mob and his business involves getting runaway teenage girls to pose for nude photos for the Internet, AND THEN it turns out that Polly's baby wasn't born dead but a deranged nurse stole the kid to raise as her own, AND THEN... but you get the idea.

The point is, Polly's always going to have a likable, or sympathetic personality, and her latest crisis is going to be resolved before the season ends. Unless the actress playing Polly wants more money, or wants to expand her career by doing something less degrading, like appear in a national ad for hemmoroid commercials, in which case, the soap opera producers will kill her off in a melodramatic way.

In MadMen, what defines the show is the complexities of the characters. Betty Draper comes across as melancholy and sheltered, and now her character seems to be taking on darker aspects, with her increasing impatience to her husband and kids, with an increasing awareness of the power of her sexuality. Pete Campbell initially comes across as a glad-handing, unctous little weasel, until you get a glimpse of his home life and how emasculated he is by his family. And Don Draper is one of the most complex characters in T.V. fiction. He's a man with a strong sense of integrity, who takes pride in his work and his family. Until you find that his entire life is a lie. He lied to get to where he is in the world, his job involves lying, ultimately. And he's desperatly unhappy. What compounds this is that this is the life he chose for himself, and he can't see any way out of it. (What's coming up in this season is Don's attempt to make the best of the hand that he's been dealt, and finding that not only doing the 'right thing' offers no rewards, but winds up making a complicated life even more complicated.

That's why the few melodramatic touches in the show seem so out of place. Peggy's pregnancy and Don's half-brother's suicide, for example. I understand creator Matthew Weiner was concerned that the show might not get a second season, hence why those odd touches went in. Since it looks good to continue for at least a couple more seasons, I'm hoping the quality of the series won't be brought down by bits like those.

"The Benefactor"

Since I've just started watching 'Generation Kill' as well, I'm just gonna go ahead and start a new topic, "T.V. Notes". I'll be commenting on it and Mad Men in that section, as well as any other T.V. related topics I can scrounge up.

Episode 3, season 2 "The Benefactor"

-This episode's full of uncomfortable moments, as the popular comedian hired to promote potato chips in a t.v. commercial cruelly insults the sponsor's wife. (She's pretty big.) Don is drafted to perform what is now known as 'Damage Control'. In other words, he has to get the comedian, the comedian's wife/manager, and the sponsors together so's the comedian can apologize for his behavior. The second story thread has Harry bucking for a higher star at Sterling-Cooper. (This starts when Harry opens Ken Cosgrove's paycheck 'by mistake' and discovers Ken makes a hundred dollars more than him. Meanwhile, Betty flirts with and then rejects the advances of another patron of her riding club.

-The scene with Betty and the young Lothario at her riding club make me think she's starting to extend her powers of seduction a little more than the season's premier, where she got the mechanic to install her car's belt for free.

-One of Mad Men's trademarks is how certain scenes bounce off each other in subtle ways. Note how the final scene of Don with Betty has an uneasy tone to it, compared with the scene of Harry cuddling up to his wife's pregnant stomach after he told her of his promotion. Don goaded Betty into helping him smooth things over with the chip people, and Harry's wife inadvertently goaded him into going for a raise.

-Dig how Roger gives Harry a mock benediction in promoting him to 'head of T.V.'. I bet it was an ad lib by actor John Slatterly, who has an awesome perverse sense of humour in his commentaries on the DVD.

-Peggy stands out in this episode in her one scene, since she's in the room where the 'crew' is watching a controversial episode of 'The Defenders', going on Harry's suggestion that their lipstick client may be willing to sponsor controversy to gain customers. They aren't, but the move impresses Roger Sterling enough to get Harry a promotion and a raise. Anyways, note how uncomfortable Peggy is while watching the show. It's about a teenager getting a 'rhymes-with-gagortion'. Oh, she can relate...

-and the awkward pleasantries between Sal and the lipstick rep. (who tried to seduce Sal last season. Cough.)

-What foreign movie was Don watching at the show's beginning? And why? It wasn't Hiroshima Mon Amour, was it?

-I love the near-silent scene at the beginning where Harry's trying to find a way to repair Ken's opened pay stub envelope.

-Don seems cartoonishly confident of his sex appeal this episode, as evidenced by his 'persuasion' of the comedian's wife to make her meal ticket apologize to the sponsors. Not a very sincere apology, either. We'll be seeing more of Jimmy and Bobbie. Is Don so disgusted of her (and himself) that he has to use dish soap to wash out his mouth when he gets home? Yes.

-Notice how Jimmy Barrett none-too-subtly bites his fist when the fat wife says that she's not sure she's 'big enough to accept' his apology. BTW, Bobbie Barrett is played by Melinda McGraw, who was Jim Gordon's wife in the Batman movies...

-Fred Rumsen drunkenly dozes off during the ad shoot, leading to crass comedian Jimmy Barrett to insult the client's fat wife, and his penance is a tart riposte from Ken. On the other hand, Don's secretary gets fired, simply because she didn't cover up enough for Don. It's a man's world, baby...

Da-na-na-na-na-na... Batman!

The Dark Knight (A-)

Like Iron Man, Chris Nolan's movie works because it's being played straight, no ironic winks, no over the top designs, no melodramatic set designs. And no nipples on the costumes. That kinda helps. The story, well, it's Michael Mann's 'Heat' only Al Pacino's in a Kevlar suit, and he's really a Welshman with pneumonia. (Notice the 'Heat' homage by the cameo of William Fichter as a banker for the Mob...) Really, Bale's 'Batman' voice is so phelgmmy, I half expected Commissioner Gordon or Lucius Fox or Alfred to offer him a throat lozenge.

And in this case, what gives it the 'A', is Heath Ledger's Joker. Hell of a way to introduce your bad guy, what with that 'pencil trick'. Ledger's Joker is such a walking bag of decay, I almost expected a tooth to fall out of his mouth as some point. If Ledger does get an Oscar next year, it won't be just out of posthumous pity. When you watch this Joker, it's like watching a homeless guy without any pants taking a long shit along the sidewalk, just shuffling along with a trail of poo behind him like a snail. It's funny and creepy at the same time. Note the amount of nervous chuckles in a theater when he appears.

What gives it the 'minus' in my rating is Christian Bale. Oh, yeah. I went there. First off, the mock-Clint Eastwood voice he's using as Batman gives his part a more comic edge than either Nolan or Bale intended. (Couldn't have Nolan re-dubbed Bale's voice?) Also, Bale needs to take layabout playboy millionaire lessons from Robert Downey Jr.

The only question is, where is Nolan going to go for the inevitable third movie? The remaining villians in the Batman universe are so camp, (The Riddler, The Penguin, er, Catwoman...) the current franchise is in danger of losing its 'gritty, realistic' tag. Maybe establish the Penguin as a Dick Cheney-type businessman? I suspect they may bring Two-face back, though I don't envy the actor who has to follow Heath Ledger...

Mad Men: Season Two- "Flight 1"

-Opens at a party in Paul Kinsey's fashionably unfashionable apartment in Montauk, New Jersey. Joan is disgusted by Paul's boho chic, his stealing a typewriter, and his black girlfriend. (Remember, they used to go out...) I'm kinda grossed out by his posing, as well. I wanna see more of Sal's relationship with his um, 'beard'...

-The big story is the crash of American Airline's flight to Los Angeles, and how it affects the working relationships in Sterling-Cooper. Turns out Pete Campbell's dad was on the flight, a fact the increasingly soulless Duck nudges Pete to use to Sterling-Cooper's advantage in getting American Airlines as a client. As disgusting a stunt it was, I'm reminded of how Pete's dad treated him when Pete asked for a loan for a New York apartment down payment in season one (And given his parent's finances, why Pete's dad turned him down), and so, in retrospect, in Pete's position, his exploiting his personal tragedy for Sterling Cooper's benefit is the most logical action that Pete can do...

-The scene where Pete's with his family has a creepy vibe to it. They're like zombies robotically reciting a script. This resonates with Pete's attempt to reach out to Don earlier. ("How does someone react to this?")

-Betty's behavior towards Don at the bridge party. I suspect she's channeling her aggression towards Don towards her bridge game. Note how hostile she is to the kids this season. I bet her hostility becomes more latent as this season progresses...

-We get to see the fate of Peggy and Pete's bastard child. He's being looked after by Peggy's sister. When Peggy tells her mother that she's capable of making her own decisions, her mom counters that, "The doctors and the State of New York didn't think so!". Note how in the final scene, when Peggy's mom hands Peggy her son to receive communion, that the kid starts crying and won't stop. Other churchgoers head out of the frame to receive their communion, leaving Peggy and her son alone...

- Chris Manley's work for season two is exceptional. He's captured that soft, unnatural lighting in the office that you'd see in 60's movies perfectly. The final scene with Peggy in the church has a dark visual counterpoint to the rest of the show.

-Don, for all his lying and cheating, is a man of deep integrity. It's hard to watch the scene where he cuts the Mohawk client loose. Don's assurances that it wasn't his decision don't give the client any comfort. Does Don turn down the Asian waitress as a form of self-punishment, or is he being corralled by Betty's callousness and Duck's heartlessness?

Notes on Madmen: Season One, part three...

Ep. 11 "Indian Summer"

-Adam Whitman's suicide. It seems a bit too melodramatic, given that we don't know that much else about the character. It's a too easy way to get the character out of the series, isn't it? I'm starting to wonder if the real Don Draper's family is gonna start looking for him...

-The blunt way Peggy gets the 'weight-loss device' assigned to her to write copy for. She discovers it has other, er, benefits to it...

-"Red, you are the finest piece of ass I ever had, and I'm glad I got to roam those hills!" Roger's statement to Joan as she's doing his face is both bizarre and touching...

-Betty's 'distraction' while against the washing machine. (She's fantasizing about the pushy young air conditioner salesmen that Don chewed her out for letting into the house earlier.) The song playing on the soundtrack while she's lost in her um, reverie is "Agua de Beber" ("Water to Drink") by Astrud Gilberto.

-Bert Cooper's formal offer to Don to make him a partner. Bert offers to introduce Don to Ayn Rand. (I kinda hope we get to see her...)

-Pete gets a package meant for Don. (It's from Adam...)

Ep. 12 "Nixon vs. Kennedy"

-This one's a pivotal episode, in which we get Don Draper's 'origin story', if you will. In the transformation from Dick Whitman, Army private who wets himself when fired upon, to king of New York, Don Draper, he finds that trading up your identity has some immediate benefits, as the young woman who offers him a drink makes clear. The cost, leaving behind a younger brother who idolizes him, doesn't become evident until much later.

-I love how the theme of Draper's secret being unmasked is treated as anticlimactic. It's Campbell's fate that the stick he thought he had to hit Don with has absolutely no effect whatsoever on Bert Cooper. Don's panicking and running to Rachel to leave with her to Los Angeles comes to nothing. Did Don seriously think she was going to take him up on his offer? As I said earlier, a lesser series would drag Don's fear of being unmasked throughout the whole run. Once it's settled here, there's other avenues it can take which can surprise both the audience and the creators of the show...

Ep. 13 "The Wheel"

-"Nostalgia - it's delicate, but potent. Teddy told me that in Greek, "nostalgia" literally means "the pain from an old wound." It's a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn't a spaceship, it's a time machine. It goes backwards, and forwards... it takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It's not called the wheel, it's called the carousel. It let's us travel the way a child travels - around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know are loved."

Don's using his own life to sell product, with emotionally devastating results. (He has a giddy fantasy of going with his family to her parent's place. The episode ends with Don all alone, his head in his hands.) It's a powerful scene.

-Another touching scene is Betty's meeting with the weird kid of Helen Bishop, the divorced neighbour. "Please tell me everything's going to be okay..."

-Peggy's casual cruelty towards the voice actress during the readings wins her the respect of Ken Cosgrove. (That whole scene was hard to watch...)

-Peggy's pregnancy and Adam's suicide were, for me, the only false notes of this season. They have kind of a soap-opera feel to them, and in a series like this, where subtlety and nuance run the show, even if they're going to have repercussions later on... Well, they come close to throwing me out of the show.

Season Two, ep. 1 "For those who think young" notes.

-I nearly shat a walrus when in the middle of Betty and Francine gleefully/horrified-ly discussing the fate of Betty's old roommate- she's a prostitute- I realized that Francine is in fact, Heartless Bitch from the last season of House! Betty's flirting with the mechanic to fix her car for two-thirds cheaper makes us think how excited her former roommate's profession has made her, especially after her failed tete-a-tete with Don in the New York Savoy, no less.

-Funniest scene in the show: the montage showing various cast members reacting to Jackie Kennedy's T.V. tour of the White House. Joan is enthralled, as is Salvatore. (Is he married now?) Don is-meh, and then we cut to Pete Campbell, eating his wife's Valentine chocolates whilst watching a kid's sci-fi program. Pete reminds me of Dave Foley, during his 'Kids in the Hall' phase.

-Is it just me, or is Duck Phillips turning out to be a douchenozzle? His confrontation with Don had a little more acrimony in in than I'd think necessary...

-the running theme of youth: Don and Peggy's angle to pitch to the airline people, the younger-than-they-look new writers, Pete watching T.V., the young, pretty First Lady on the T.V.

-Was Peggy being helpful to Don's new secretary, or was she just passing the bitch ball along in frustration? Note how Joan demands the other office girl call Peggy, "Miss Olson". Then Joan moves the new Xerox machine into Peggy's office, much to Peggy's consternation.

-Remember Don's annoyance over the V.W. ads from last season? With the younger ad men being interviewed-I'm sure those two prospects were boyfriends-, the younger men in the elevator making crude jokes and one not taking his hat off when a woman enters the elevator, and the doctor telling Don to watch his smokin' and drinkin' (Note how Don spitefully eats a big, fat, egg and sausage breakfast in the bar.) Don seems about to have a coronary over his advancing age.

Notes on Madmen: Season One, part two...

Ep. 6 "Babylon"

-This episode opens with Don's accident of slipping down his stairs, and smacking his head on the floor. This brings up a remembrance of his past as a little boy when his younger half-brother was born. Whom he rejects.

-Betty talks about her desire for Don, both physical and spiritual.

-Roger's wife and daughter pop by the office to visit Roger, who's with Don and Joan. While Joan escorts Roger's daughter off to make a hair appointment, Roger expresses some concern over his daughter's lack of motivation. This concern continues as Roger, half-dressed in a hotel, expresses his feelings towards his daughter to his mistress, who turns out to be Joan.

-In trying out lipstick for a new client, Peggy discovers her knack for clever word smithing (Basket of Kisses) which leads her career down a different path.

-Hell of a lot of characters exchanging trivia in this episode. (Betty and Don, Don and Rachel, the junior ad execs.) I notice the characters also use etymology to define words and their roots. It's another leitmotif through the series, particularly coming to the fore at the series' end.

Ep. 7 "Red in the Face"

- The big issue in this episode is Roger's not-so-subtle flirting with Betty, much to Don's contempt. We're still in the era, mind you, where if you couldn't sweet-talk 'em into your bed, chasing them down was an acceptable alternative. Don's revenge is to make the unhealthy Roger eat a shit-load of oysters with his martini lunch and walk up twenty flights of stairs (Don paid off the elevator boy to shut down the service.) Roger barfs up his vodka and oysters in front of the client.

-More of Pete's emasculation continues as he tries to return a wedding gift. (It's a Chip-N-Dip, the name itself castrates Pete every time he says it.) After an awkward encounter with a former school chum, ("Hey, it's Humps the Camel Campbell!") Pete tells the sales girl at the return counter that the guy has the clap. He gets a BB gun in exchange, much to his wife's extreme displeasure. (He is such a child...)

Ep. 8 "Hobo Code"

-One of my favorite episodes in the series. Don's past is revealed in a flashback to when he was a young boy and a hobo came to visit. Though a bum, the man is thoughtful and well spoken,and makes an impression on young Dick. Particularly the monologue to Dick about just pulling up and moving on. After being shabbily treated by Dick's step-father, the hobo leaves a 'hobo mark' on his family farm that says, "A dishonest man lives here." The scene ends with present-day Don waking up his son and assuring him he will never lie to him.

-Peggy's success on writing copy for the lipstick company leads to some acrimony with Joan and especially Pete. (At an after-work celebration, Pete sulks while Peggy dances around. "I hate seeing you like this!", he complains. What, happy?)

-Don's break-up with Midge when he realizes she's in love with one of her beatnik/hippie friends. Though he offers her his five-thousand bonus as an incentive for her to run away to Paris with him, she turns him down. Don endorses the cheque to her anyways, then walks out of her life, at least for the rest of the season. (As he leaves, one of the beats warn him that the cops are outside, and 'he can't go out there, man!" "No." responds Don. "You can't." The police politely greet Don as he leaves Midge's apartment.

As an aside, I've noticed that some people out there in Internet land are complaining that the hipsters in this series are drawn in too-broad strokes, like casting the cartoon Maynard J. Krebs in a John Updike story. This is a misreading. What these people are, are not particularly committed to the Jack Kerouac-Henry Miller outsider-artist. They like the bohemian lifestyle, and the lack of responsibility that goes along with it, but none of them have any particular insight or creative talent, except for Midge. And she's as much a part of the commercial creative world as Don is, her cynical asides notwithstanding. (The lack of talent on display is evident in the performances at the coffee shop that Don gets dragged to by Midge...) Don crumbles one guy's typical complaints about Don being 'The Man' with Don pointing out that there is, in fact, no big system controlled by 'The Man' and no 'Man', at all. ("Aw, man! Why'd you have to bring me down like that?")

-Salvatore's encounter with the lipstick sales rep. I understand the actor Bryan Batt is gay himself, I'm not sure a straight actor could've pulled off such a subtle performance. Watch his face light up as he considers the other man's offer. I suspect Salvatore is so in the closet, he doesn't know he's gay himself...

Ep. 9 "Shoot"

-Betty goes through an interesting arc this episode. A rival ad firm is courting Don, and to sweeten the pot, they offer Betty a modeling job for Coca-Cola. Obviously, she's delighted to recapture her modeling days and Don reluctantly allows it. After Don sees the proofs, he turns down the ad firm's offer, so they fire Betty. The episode ends with the frustrated Betty shooting at the neighbor's doves to his horror. I love the insolent way her cigarette dangles from her lips as she takes aim at the birds.

-Betty's nostalgia for her modeling days, working for a guy named Gianni. She gleefully models some dresses of his for her friend, Francine.

-Betty's meeting with Dr. Wayne, the shrink."You're angry at your mother," She gets defensive after he comments on her mother's disapproval of her modeling career. "She wanted me to be beautiful so I could find a man -- there's nothing wrong with that."

-Pete's clever way to counter the Kennedy ads. (Sterling Cooper's working for Nixon.) Inspired by an anecdote about throwing a funeral for his frat's mascot dog, he buys up t.v. space in states like Illinois, so the Kennedy promoters will have to put JFK on the radio over there. It's obvious he has strong feelings for Peggy, as evidenced by him sucker-punching Ken Cosgrove after Cosgrove makes a comment about Peggy.

-Tensions seem to be rising between Joan and Peggy.

Ep. 10 "Long Weekend"

-Betty's resentment over her father's new girlfriend.

-Don's outburst over the agency losing the Dr. Scholl's account.

-Joan comparing her and Roger's affair to Shirley Maclean's situation in "The Apartment".

-Joan's roommate's clumsy pass at her, and Joan's ruthless rebuff of her.

-Roger's 'after-hours' party with Don and the two twins. It takes a creepy turn when we see Roger riding one of the girls like a horse. (Don and the girl's sister look very uncomfortable.) You feel almost glad when Roger gets a heart attack...

-For the first time in the series, Don opens up to Rachel (and us.) who's he's started getting physical with. His mother was a prostitute, and when she died in childbirth, they delivered the baby to his father and his wife. His father was a drunk who got kicked in the face by a horse. When he died, his step-mother took up with another man. The last lines: "I was raised by those two sorry people."

Notes on Madmen: Season One...

So, for the next few days, I'm gonna inflict my impressions of season one of 'Madmen', AMC's offering to the increasingly crowded 'Prestige Series' T.V. Shows that's coming up on the cable channels. Mainly 'cause I just gots me the DVD of Season one, and repeated watchings of it by me have convinced me that it's now a solid 'A' in my book. So there.

Episode 1: -"Smoke gets in your Eyes"

- I think the scene with Don asking the black waiter his opinion on cigarettes is vital as it: shows Don actually listens to people and doesn't care about their social status in regards to their opinion.

-Don pulling 'It's Toasted' out of his ass at the Lucky Strikes meeting, then ripping a strip off Pete Campbell for blatantly stealing the research material Don had rejected earlier.

- Joan's (Christina Hendricks) ass in that dress! Sweet Merciful Jesus!

- the casual Antisemitism of Roger and Don. ("Any Jews in the office?" "Not on my watch!")

-reference to Freud with the German (female) psychologist. The 'death wish'

-the ads in the background show that Sterling Cooper is a very traditional company. The ads are safe and boring. Compare and contrast with the upcoming VW ads.

-Peggy's interaction with the doctor- He's judgmental, condescending towards her getting birth control.

-Joan showing Peggy around Sterling Cooper. The characters all tear her appearance apart.

-The giddy excitement the junior ad execs have to Pete's 'Bachelor Party', and the actual, boring party at the strip club. (A flabby woman does the most unerotic striptease in the background, while the ad execs try to convince themselves they're having a great time. Campbell lamely tries to flirt with a secretary, with awkward results.)

-I love Sal's line at the strip club, and the Automat girl's confused reaction.

-Rachel's smooth negotiation of the awkward meeting with Sterling Cooper. Sparks fly between Rachel and Don. "I'm not gonna let a woman talk to me like this!" Rachel and Don make a connection over the dinner later. I suspect because they both feel like interlopers into the American Dream. (Rachel is Jewish, and a woman, and Don is well, Don.) She disarms him with her comment about his fear, and that's what sparks his attraction to her...

-the constant coughing during the Lucky Strike meeting.

-We see when Don pulls the Lucky Strike meeting out of its dive to pitch the 'It's toasted' line, that this is really him. Don's success as an ad man comes from taking himself into the ad. This has deeper meaning at the last show, when he pitches the Kodak product.

-Don's treatment of Peggy shows that he is a man of his time. He has a code, and he sticks to it. he doesn't poo where he eats.

-Pete's initial character unfolds. A smarmy, unctuous little weasel who makes no bones about wanting Draper's job. Draper smacks him down, twice. "Let's take it slow. I don't want to end up pregnant in the morning.." Pete mutters, "Fuck you." under his breath. Pete clumsily seduces Peggy near the episode's end.

-the show's end reveals that Don is married and has a beautiful wife and two kids at home. We see Don's been interacting with a mistress, a secretary, and a client all this time. He's got a family, as well? What a cad...

Ep. 2- "Ladies Room"

-Don and Betty have dinner with Roger Sterling and his wife. Betty's hands stop working.

-Peggy's troubles with the men at the office.

-After a minor accident with her kids, Betty starts seeing the shrink, much to Don's dismay.

"We're all so lucky to be here."

-Don's mistress and how she helps him with the aerosol campaign-accidentally...

The central theme of this season, which hits home like a hammer in the final show, is nostalgia. However, it's for a nostalgia that never existed in the first place. I think everyone in this series has a yearning for something else.

Ep. 3 -"Marriage of Figaro"

Don meets an old army buddy-calls him 'Dick Whitman'? Don's look of disgust says it all.

-Doyle-Brumberg's VW ad has the office in a state of grudging respect-Roger and Dan get defensive-the landscape is changing.

-Pete comes back from his honeymoon-he's like a kid playing grown up. You can tell by the stilted language he's using to describe it to the other ad execs.

-the dead wife joke before the meeting with Rachel-she's on the ball, the ad guys aren't. Another misogynist joke during the kid's party.

-Don hangs out with Rachel at her store-a seduction begins-is Rachel seducing Don, or vice versa? the dolphin cuff links, a leitmotif.

-"Am I supposed to live some life running alongside yours?" -Rachel.

-Don's daughter's birthday party-the divorced neighbor gets henpecked behind her back, one of the neighbors slaps a kid(not his) for running and breaking something in the house, kid's dad makes kid apologize to the neighbor. Don goes through a six pack in an hour putting his daughter's playhouse together, gulps down alcoholic punch like it's, well, punch. Pregnant neighbor smokes, drinks alcoholic punch.

-Don gives Divorced woman's kid a BB gun to play with. The Divorced Neighbor coolly rebuffs a man's advances. Later she makes a connection (non-flirtatious) with Don. Don goes to get the cake, doesn't return for a while. sits in car by train tracks, contemplating his life. comes back with puppy for daughter.

Ep. 4. "New Amsterdam"

-the junior ad execs listen to Bob Newhart in Pete's office. Pete's wife takes him to lunch, and by lunch I mean takes him to look at apartments in Manhattan. Pete's protesting that he can't afford it falls on deaf ears.

-Rachel and Don meet again. Rachel rebuffs Don.

Betty meets D.W. ex husband. The divorcees' need for a last minute babysitter puts Betty in the position of looking after her weird son. He watches her pee in the toilet, then asks for a lock of her hair. Betty's so desperate for a connection, she gives him the hair he wants.

-Pete and Don hit loggerheads over the Bethlehem Steel contract. Don suspects Pete unsold the client on the original idea.

-Pete's interactions with his parents and his wife's parents show just how emasculated he is in his life.

-Pete's attempt to assert himself by pitching copy to the Bethlelem Steel client behind Don's back gets him fired from Sterling Cooper. A conference with Bert Cooper reveals that Pete's family, though not as rich as they were, has a certain cachet for Sterling Cooper. Which saves his job. (I suspect Pete is aware of this on some level, and the fact that his family name and not his work saved his job only adds to the resentment Pete feels...)

-God, I love that cigarette dispenser in Roger's office.

-Pete and his wife's family meet the co-op board. It's obvious they're getting the apartment on the cachet of Pete's family name, much to Pete's chagrin, again. The episode ends with Ella Fitzgerald's "We'll take Manhattan" playing ironically over the credits.

What started to happen here is when my interest in Mad Men really started to grow. Initially, Don's character piqued my interest. Then, as the series progressed, we start to see our initial impressions of the characters, even the secondary ones, start to change. Peggy sleeps with Pete probably because she wants to be a sophisticated working gal in Manhattan, and gettin' boned by ad execs, well, that's just something sophisticated Manhattan gals just do. (We see she's taking Joan's advice to heart in more ways than one.)

This episode is also where I started to empathize with Pete. He's under pressure on all fronts to live up to his family name. You get the impression, given his father's disproving take on his career choice, and his wife's desire to have both a Manhattan apartment and a baby, that being a slimy little weasel is the only choice he has in life.

Ep. 5 "5G"

Don and Betty come back from an awards ceremony; Don's award is a horseshoe on a plaque, mounted prongs up so the luck doesn't run out. Hungover the next morning, Don heads to the bathroom and slams the door. The horseshoe comes loose, and the prongs point down.

-Ad exec Ken gets a short story published in the Atlantic Monthly, inspiring resentment among the other execs, including Pete.

-Peggy overhears Don's conversation with Midge, his mistress.

-scene with Don and Midge making pillow talk abruptly switches to Pete in bed with his wife while she reads his short story. (He's like a little kid, eating snacks in bed.) Pete tries to get his wife to use her connection of an ex-boyfriend in the publishing industry to get his story published.

-Peggy drops a bomb from Don's past during a meeting. We see his past in a meeting with his younger brother, Adam Whitman. The scenes with his brother are painful. Don's face is in agony for the rest of the morning. This revelation about Don's hidden past, in a lesser series, would become an engine driving tension in the series.

-Peggy reveals her confusion to Joan when Betty and the kids show up for a photo portrait

-Pete's wife gets him published in "Boy's life", an act that greatly disappoints him. It's his wife's way of keeping him in line...

-"Adam, my life goes in only one direction: forward." Don's final scene with his brother shows us how lost he really is. He tries to pay off Adam to stay out of the life of Don Draper, an act that has lethal consequences...

JOSS WHEDON AND THE DEAL WITH AIRLINE FOOD

Dr. Horrible's Sing-along Blog- (B) While I'm not officially sick of the 'deconstructed Super-hero' genre, it's starting to wear out its welcome. Not unlike at some point in the distant past when stand-up comedians actually were being funny asking about why airline food was so crappy. I think it was this season of Venture Brothers which started to turn me off it. (Don't get me wrong, I still like it, it's just that I'm starting to see as many vague 80's pop culture references in it as in an episode of 'Family Guy'. ) And once the movie version of "Watchmen" comes out, I will be officially sick of that genre.

Joss Whedon's take on it, though, squeezes some juice out of the genre in his tale of a love-sick supervillan. Actually, this three act web-broadcast is like distilled Whedon. You've got Whedon's mix of comedy with pathos, sometimes in the same sentence. And, to top it off, it's a musical! (That saves it from being yet another take on the 'deconstructonist super-hero genre.) And you know, the songs are okay, in a Stephen Sondheim-y way. (I just Whedon-ized my post! Ha!)

What's worth discussing is the media it's distributed in. It came out as a three part web broadcast. (Whedon and friends came up with it during the writer's strike this past spring.) And so far, it looks like a hit. (It's the top seller on Itunes.) So, on the surface, it looks like web-episodes are a viable way to make money over the net, while bypassing the studios. Well, for the likes of Whedon, J.J. Abrams, David Chase, and Ronald Moore, maybe. That is, T.V. creators with an established, successful track record who've already got enough money to 'put on a show with some friends'. (I can't see someone like David Simon or Matthew Weiner doing web broadcasts independently of a studio...)

Interviews with Whedon tell us that he made it for 'the low six figures' and called in a bunch of favours from friends to make it. I'd like to see more of this sort of thing, but I suspect we're gonna get a bunch of even-lower production value stuff put out over the net by frat-boy nobodys who get an audience of their friends and no-one else. And they go broke putting it on. So, again, the only people who are in a practical position to produce this sort of thing on a consistent basis that's even capable of making a profit are... the studios.

Why I Don't Play Dungeons & Dragons Anymore...

Why I Don't Play Dungeons and Dragons Anymore: A Short Film.

Cast: Brian, a skinny kid with glasses and an unruly mop of black hair.
Mark, a skinny kid with glasses and very bad acne.
Dean, a chubby kid with glasses
Kevin, an Asian kid with glasses
Mr. Pasternak, Dean's father
Two Police officers
Various background cast, some in pajamas and housecoats

THE SCENE FADES UP TO A SEMI-FURNISHED BASEMENT. THE FOUR YOUNG BOYS ARE GATHERED AROUND A CARD TABLE, ON WHICH VARIOUS ROLE-PLAYING BOOKS, PAPERS, DICE AND LEAD FIGURES ARE SPREAD OUT ON. A COUPLE OF BAGS OF CHIPS AND CHEETOS ARE WITHIN REACH, AS ARE SEVERAL BOTTLES OF SODA. DEAN HAS A LAPTOP IN FRONT OF HIM, WHICH HE IS CONCENTRATING ON AS THE SCENE FADES IN. THE SOUND FADES UP TO DIALOGUE:

Dean:
...okay, so finally you've gotten past the town guards and are in the-

Mark:
(interrupting) I still don't see why I couldn't smuggle a dagger through!

Dean:
You got searched by a third level mage! He would've detected your dagger, and he wouldn't let you into the town!

Kevin:
Right! Your barbarian was being a dick, as it was, Mark!

Mark:
(throwing up his hands) pffft! That baron had better give us weapons as well as a map to rob his rival!

Dean:
Well, first you guys gotta get to the tavern and find the baron's servant.

Brian:
(shuffling through a notebook) ...Right, right. What's the name of that bar-

Dean:
Tavern.

Brian:
-Tavern. Okay. Umm...(shuffles some more.) 'The Grinning Gryphon?' Okay, we look around for some signs or indication we can get to the tavern from here.

Dean:
Well, there's a signpost with a bunch of signs pointing in various directions to your left. Thing is, all the signs are written in Kaldash, the language around here.

Brian:
Okay...(cracks his knuckles) My Mage casts a first level 'translation' spell-

Dean:
Are you sure that's a good idea, Brian? The guard Mage told you guys the townspeople frown on strange magic users coming to their town?

Mark:
Hey, Dean?

Dean:
What, Mark?

Mark:
If this town is a major trading post, like you said, then wouldn't all the signs be in Common Tongue? I mean, It makes sense that if the townspeople want to be on a major trade route, wouldn't they try to be more accommodating to traders? Am I right? Guys?

Dean:
(sighs.) Well, Mark, the signs are what they are. Deal with it. Ok, Brian, make your roll.

Brian:
(rolls polyhedral dice) 87! I got it!

Dean:
Brian, you see one of the signs points to a tavern four blocks from here. Could be the 'grinning gryphon, could be another one. Do you guys wanna check it out?

Mark:
Hope someone speaks 'Common' at the bar!

Dean:
Tavern.

Mark:
Bar, Tavern, whatever.

Dean:
They don't have 'bars' in Medieval times, Mark.

Kevin:
So we're going to the ba-tavern, right, guys?

(MURMURS OF ASSENT FROM THE OTHER TWO PLAYERS.)

Dean:
So, after a few blocks, you come across what looks to be a tavern with a smiling griffin on the sign above.

Kevin:
(grabbing a handful of chips and munching on them.) Welp, this must be the place. Let's go in.

Mark:
Is there any writing on the sign?

Dean:
(shakes head) Doesn't need it.

Mark:
So there's no writing on the bar to tell people the name, and the signposts aren't written in Common, so we can't find the tavern unless we use a translation spell. Smart planning, dude.

Dean:
(sighs again) Mark, do you wanna argue with me or do you wanna find the Baron's contact? You guys are late enough as it is!

Brian:
Ok, so we go in and find a table. Is the bar crowded?

Dean:
Mmm...It's full but not too full. You guys can find a table, no hassle.

Kevin:
I get a beer!

Dean:
Well, hold on, Kevin. The serving wench hasn't shown up yet.

Mark:
Is she hot?

Dean:
Well, you'll have to get her attention-

Brian:
I wave in her direction.

Mark:
I shout, 'SERVICE US, SERVING WENCH!'

Kevin:
Nice one, Mark!

Mark:
Fuck you, Kevin. I want service-

Dean:
A couple of big guys are starting to head over to your table. They might be tavern bouncers.

Kevin:
Oooh, shit! I get up and try to calm 'em down. Do they speak Common?

Dean:
They do. But they demand a 'cover charge' to make up for your rude barbarian friend. Comes to ten gold pieces.

Mark:
What? That's extortion! I pull out my ax-
Dean: You can't, Mark. You left it at the guard house with your other weapons, remember? Doy!

Mark: Doy yourself, tons-o-fun!

Brian:
Guys, we gotta keep a low profile! Kevin, pay them off and apologize profusely! Mark, shut the fuck up!

Dean:
Make a roll, Kevin.

Kevin:
(rolls dice.) Er.. 63?

Dean:
They take your coins and head back behind the bar. Your party's caught everyone's attention in the bar.

Kevin, Mark, and Brian, altogether:
TAVERN!!

Dean:
Right, right. Jeez. Okay, so the wench finally comes over, and she doesn't look like she's in a good-

Mark: Is she hot?

Dean:
Well, she's not bad, looks like she's been around the block a few times, but-

Mark:
I wanna do her!

Brian, Kevin, and Dean:
NOW?

Mark:
Hell, yeahs! My barbarian's gots to get his freak on! Hah, hah, hah!

Kevin:
Mark, we gotta find the Baron's contact! We don't have time to-

Mark:
Hey, assmunch! I been following you guys around this whole time, doing what you want! I wanna do what I want to do, for a change!

Dean:
(shrugs) Ok, Mark, what do you say to her?

MARK GOES SILENT. HE STARTS TO BLUSH.
Mark:
(stammers)

Dean:
Jesus. Ok, Romeo, make a roll on your Charisma.

MARK ROLLS THE DICE.

Mark:
93! Yes! (pumps fists) I take her to the back room and-

Dean:
(chortles.) Whey-hey! Hold on there, Peter North! Your Charisma is only 8, which means you need a 95 to-

Mark:
WHAT? FUCK YOU, DEAN! YOU'RE CHEATING!

Dean:
Keep your voice down, Mark!

Brian:
Yeah, man. Jeez!

Mark:
AND FUCK YOU, BRIAN! I GOT AN '18' CHARISMA! I FUCK THE SERVING WENCH!

Dean:
Mark! Shut-the-hell-up! I got your stats on my computer here, and they say you got only an '8'! Remember when you rolled up this character, and you wanted an '18' on your strength, so I let you take points off your charisma to put on your strength!

Mark:
I took them off my constitution, Lard-ass!

Dean:
Let me see your character sheet!

Mark:
Jesus Christ, I don't believe this! I'm not giving you my sheet! Fuck you!

Brian:
(deftly passes a sheet by Mark to Dean) Here you go!

Mark:
GIMME THAT, YOU ASSHOLE!

Dean:
(picks up sheet and reads it.) Well, Mark... You put a '1' in front of your '8' for charisma...in a different pen color, no less, and you whited-out all your other stats and gave yourself '18's, '17's, in all your other stats. What the hell, man?

THE SOUND OF A DOOR OPENS, AND THE SILHOUETTE OF DEAN'S DAD APPEARS IN THE BACKGROUND.

Mr. Pasternak:
What the hell is going on down here? Dammit, boys, I told you to keep it down!

DEAN SLAPS HIS FOREHEAD AND GROANS. BRIAN AND KEVIN LOOK AT THEIR SHOES. MARK IS SEETHING. MR. PASTERNAK STARTS TO COME DOWN THE STAIRS.

Dean:
Sorry, Dad...

Mr. Pasternak:
Sorry isn't going to cut it this time, young man. You guys, this game is over. Good night, fellas-

Mark:
BUT THESE GUYS ARE CHEATING, MR. PASTERNAK! THEY WON'T LET ME FUCK THE-

Mr. Pasternak:
HEY!! YOU DON'T USE THAT KIND OF TALK IN MY HOUSE!! GET OUT, SON!

Dean:
You're the cheater, Mark!

THE SCENE CUTS TO THE FRONT OF A HOUSE ON A TYPICAL SUBURBAN STREET. BRIAN, KEVIN, AND MARK ARE BEING HERDED BY MR. PASTERNAK OUT TO THE CURB. MARK IS NEAR TEARS. BRIAN AND KEVIN ARE DEEPLY EMBARRASSED. DEAN IS NERVOU8LY SHUFFLING NEXT TO HIS FATHER, LOOKING AT THE GROUND.

Mr. Pasternak:
If you guys can't keep it down, and be respectful-

Mark:
(finally losing it as he stands on the curb, facing the others.) FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK! THESE GUYS AREN'T RESPECTING ME!! THEY WON'T LET ME FUCK THE WAITRESS, THEY WON'T LET ME KEEP MY AXE, THEY'RE PICKING ON ME ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME! YOU SUCK AS A DUNGEON MASTER, DEAN! I'M GONNA GET MY OWN GROUP AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE MORE FUCKING FUN THEN YOU EVER HAD! SO HA! YOU CUNT! (Mark is crying by the end of this tirade.)

Mr. Pasternak:
Kid, go home, or I'm calling the cops. (SOME LIGHTS ARE STARTING TO GO ON IN THE NEARBY HOUSES. SOME DOGS START BARKING IN THE BACKGROUND. SOME CONFUSED,SLEEPY VOICES MAY ALSO BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. "What's happening?" "Shut up!", that sort of thing.

Mark:
(sobbing and crying) IT'S-IT'S NOT FAIR!!! EVERYONE'S PICKING ON ME!! EVERYONE HATES ME!! I CHANGED MY CHARACTER SHEET SO I'D HAVE A CHANCE WITH YOU CHEATING COCKSUCKERS!! FUCK-FUCK-FUCK YOU ALL!! (Mark breaks down, sobbing.)

BACKGROUND SOUND IS NOW ANGRY NEIGHBORS YELLING THINGS LIKE, 'I'm calling the cops',' shut the hell up, already!', AND THE LIKE. THE DOGS BARKING HAS INCREASED. PERHAPS A CAR SIREN IS GOING OFF.

Mr. Pasternak: (exasperated.) Hell with it. I'm calling the cops. (He goes back inside.)

Dean:

(softly) I am so grounded.

Brian:
I don't believe this...

Kevin:
(putting his hands to his head) Incredible...

JUST THEN, SOME FLASHING LIGHTS APPEAR. A COP CAR PULLS UP ON THE STREET NEXT TO THE SOBBING MARK. TWO COPS GET OUT. THE OTHER BOYS LOOK EVEN MORE UNCOMFORTABLE.

Cop #1:
Is there a problem here, fellas? (cop #2 is kneeling next to Mark)

Mark:
(Suddenly springing up, startling cop#2) OH! OH! ARREST THEM, OFFICERS! THEY'RE CHEATERS! THEY'RE DISCRIMINATING AGAINST ME 'CAUSE I'M HALF ARMENIAN ON MY MOM'S-

Cop #1:
Whoa, calm down, son-

Mark:
(punches cop in shoulder) FUCK YOU, PIG!! DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!! THOSE COCKSUCKERS ARE GANGING UP ON ME! ARREST THEM!

COP #2 RESPONDS BY PULLING OUT SOME PEPPER SPRAY AND BLASTING MARK IN THE FACE WITH IT. MARK BENDS OVER, COUGHING AND SOBBING.

CUT TO: THE REMAINING THREE KIDS, OPEN-MOUTHED IN SHOCK.

CUT TO: MARK SWINGING WILDLY, SCREAMING INCOHERENTLY. COP #1 PULLS HIS BATON AND SMASHES MARK IN THE TEETH, KNOCKING A FEW OUT. MARK DROPS LIKE A SACK OF ACNE-SCARRED POTATOES. THE POLICE THEN LOAD HIM IN THE BACK OF THE SQUAD CAR AND DRIVE OFF.

CUT TO: THE THREE KIDS ON THE FRONT STEP, WATCHING THE COPS LEAVE.

Dean:
So, I, um, heard the community soccer league is signing up for the 13 to 16 year old league. You guys wanna play some soccer this summer?

Brian and Kevin:
Sure, yeah.

OVERLAY TITLE READS: 'THIS WAS BASED ON A TRUE STORY'.

FADE TO BLACK.